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Undiagnosed My First Time Was Rape

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Ashley5112

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I'm sorry if this is to long for an introduction. I really wanted to put it all out there. I'm here for support and advice so I won't hide anything if possible. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

I was sexually abused as a child by my uncle. I'm not sure how much detail is appropriate or expected, but the abuse consisted of foreplay (for lack of words) and oral abuse. It's strange to me that my childhood abuse doesn't effect me as much as it does others.

As the title suggest, I lost my virginity to rape. It was 2 weeks before I turned 13 and my best friend at the time done it. He was 16, lived in my neighborhood that lacked kids to play with, so we were stuck with each other in a way.

He flirted with me and I thought he was the "cool older kid". Needless to say, when he wanted me to come over and hangout I immediately said yes. We watched TV for a while in his basement/bedroom his parents had set up for him. When I was ready to leave he said he wanted to show me something so I followed him into the "bedroom" where he proceeded to show me his secret 'weed' stash. I said played it off like nothing and went to leave again. He then offered me a drink (an opened pepsi) for the walk home. I took a few drinks waiting for him to get his shoes so he could walk me.

I don't know how much time passed but I ended up on his bed, unable to move my body. I can't confirm he drugged my drink but I also can't rule it out based on my inability to move and my complete consciousness during the entire event. I lifted my arm (or so I thought) to fight him off and it didn't move at all, neither would any of body parts. I laid there like a doll, knowing what was going on, telling him to stop, crying, and him telling me the whole time I like it if I stop acting "that way".

I was in denial and convinced myself that I had asked for it by flirting and going in his bedroom. It took me 1.5 years to tell anyone and another year to start really accepting what happen. Its been 6 years since the incident. I'm scared to sleep because of nightmares. I have emotional flashbacks in which I feel like its happening again without visual memories or physical memories. I have no support right now. I counted on one person during my recover process and he is no longer in my life. My husband doesn't seem to understand as well, I'm assuming because he jumped in my life in the middle of recovery rather than being there from day 1 like the other person.
 
Welcome to the forum. :)

I am very sorry you went through all that. I think that was a wonderful introduction. :tup: If you have not already I think it is a good idea to find a therapist. The forum can offer support to a point but wont take the place of a professional therapist.

Start by checking out other parts of the forum. When you feel comfortable, join in.

Best wishes.
 
Hi Ashley, and welcome to the forum. My first time was a rape too. I was drugged also. I never told anyone. I understand how you feel. There was alot of guilt for me as I knowingly took the drugs. He knew what he was going to do. i hate him for what he did to me. I felt I was ruined. I was so devastated. It was a branding experience.

I am glad you found the forum because it is a very healing community. I have gotten so much help and support since I have come here. It is nice to meet you. You are not alone.
 
Welcome to the forum :)

There are many great threads here and people too.

Also there is a sister site:-

[DLMURL]http://www.mysexabuse.com/[/DLMURL]
 
Hi and welcome to the forum.

There is great information and support to be had here. It is nice to realise that you are not alone.

I would also say the help of a professional is IMHO invaluable.
 
Welcome to the Forum! I'm sorry that you need the support, but glad that you have found it. The sooner you get professional help, the sooner the healing will start. Don't let the years go by, and end up unhappy all the way through.

Here, you will find compassion and caring people who really want to help and have great words of wisdom to share.
Reaching out is a huge step, and you have taken that step by writing here!

Blessings of courage and peace being sent your way, by me, AKJ!
 
Welcome to the forum :)

I have just had similar discussions with my T. I said something about my 'first sexual experience' and she said no, it was NOT a sexual experience. I did NOT lose my virginity. It was an act of control and power- nothing sexual about it. She said sex is something you have control over, something you agree to and something you like. And that made me cry...

She is right. Because we had something forced upon us that we did not want, does not mean it was sex. It was all about control and power. And I hope one day you can accept that too. It was not your 'first time'. It was simply an act of violence you were subjected to.

I am saying this not only to you, but also to keep reminding myself. The more I say it, the more I will believe it!
 
I'll pass on your thanks to my T, because she is the one that told me. It has moved me quite a lot! :) All the best for your healing journey :)
 
Hi,

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I stumbled upon this site searching for support myself, and I had to reply because you share so authentically. My heart goes out to you–I said the same things, about it not affecting me as much as it did, but I've struggled with sleep since, and I know that emotional flashbacks are the WORST. Sending you hugs.

I've been in treatment for abuse that took place when I was 13-16, so similar ages. I'm trying to think of some support for you. Could there be any survivor's groups or even DBT groups in your area?? I know that reaching out and staying in connection with the friends I've made in treatment has been a lifesaver to me. Also, my therapist gave me the book Healing from Trauma: A Survivor's Guide to Understanding Your Symptoms and Reclaiming Your Life. It explains some of the symptoms (like the emotional flashbacks) that you may not think are symptoms, so it helps with feeling less alone and more supported. Keep reaching out and don't give up!! As you gain help to manage the emotional flashbacks, the sleep should get better.
 
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