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Other My Friend's Husband Made Himself Believe He Cheated On His Wife, Possibly Out Of Affection

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littleoc

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Hello. This post may be disturbing to some, so I'm really sorry.

Although I have PTSD, I'm rather uneducated about it. But lately I've been really wanting to help my friend's husband. Here's what happened: He was captured, controlled, and tortured. During the torture, he was forced to have a child.

He really, really loves her (the child). Don't worry -- she's being raised by a couple who's close to my friend and her husband. But unsurprisingly, he can't seem to handle how she came to be. That's where the trouble lies. He has created a delusion (?) where he believes that the daughter's mother is actually his ex, and has convinced himself that he actually cheated on her. He feels guilty and ashamed of "cheating" even though it is impossible that he did. (The ex is not the woman in the couple raising her.)

He keeps reliving the torture on top of this. A while ago, he kidnapped his daughter from the couple, thinking that she was in danger, and hid with her in a "fort." Luckily she was unharmed and not terrified -- he'd done his very best to keep her calm, despite the episode.

My friend isn't sure what to do. On top of this, her husband is of course having to heal from the torture itself. She isn't sure if she should try to help him out of his delusion of thinking he cheated on her, in order to help him begin to heal (or even how she could do this safely, on his terms), or if she should let his brain continue to protect him with the delusion until he is "more ready" (will he ever be?). His daughter means so much to him, and he wants nothing more than to know she's safe and well, but all this... Any advice?

Thanks in advance.
 
Hi, and welcome to the forum. This case is a bit more unusual, so I think the best thing you friend can do is consult with a therapist. Is the husband in therapy? Would a joint session with his therapist be possible? It would also be beneficial for her to have her own therapist, and couples counseling for the both of them as well.

I know this isn't easy, and you need to be commended for trying to support both of them while dealing with your own PTSD issues.
 
It reminds me of Stockholm syndrome. It's not the same thing, but it is along those lines of trying to make sense of severe trauma in some way. The best person to help your friend and her husband make sense of this is a therapist.

I think the best support you can offer is I just be there for them and listen and continue to give feedback that his thinking is very trauma based thinking and not accurate. It's even more important that you also keep boundaries too and don't get too overwhelmed by their healing process as you go through yours - keep in mind that the best kinds of supporters don't try to rescue, especially not beyond what they are able to do.

I'm so sorry for what they went through and they are blessed to have a good friend like you who is seeking to help them.
 
Ummmm.....who's opinion is it that the snatched child was safe? How far is this guy going to go before she is permanently traumatized? If that had been my daughter I would have called the police. He needs a thorough psych evaluation preferably by a forensic doctor. These delusions can amplify and then all hell will break loose. Does this guy have weapons?

Yes, yes he is troubled and needs intensive help. It doesn't sound like any steps have been taken to secure the little girl.
 
I know some people who either got pregnant or fathered a child while in captivity.

If you were sitting across from me you'd see me scrubbing my face, cause the whole area is difficult/murky. Some people struck up relationships, believing they were going to die or not, families at home or not. Other people literally had a gun to their head (or battery clamps, whatever), others were one offs comforting a cellmate following rape. The whole thing just gets really, really messy. The idea of normal rules just really doesn't even begin to apply.

I'm guessing that either bio-mom was someone he felt close to (so he took responsibility for the child,regardless of the father), or this was an entirely different situation than the one I'm familiar with (parentage would have been impossible to tell, but then, while most of the women got pregnant, beatings and being zapped usually induced miscarriage, and most who didn't aborted later. Very few carried to term. Sometimes inside, and then the babies were punishment objects. I know one person released late term. She put the baby in a fire station drop off... But others, who do the kidnapping for profit thing, pregnancy is a medical release. That wasn't my situation), or somehow everyone's DNA was run and his popped.

Regardless... The normal rules not applying thing? They simply don't. If he believes he cheated, then he believes he cheated...Whether he had a choice or not. It's an element of control, the belief of choice, and/or the assumption of guilt. But since there is often actual choice, choosing to bond with someone, or help them through a hard time? Even if it's an uncontrollable situation....Gah. Like I said. The whole durn thing is murky.

I keep in contact with one person, one, from that time period...And we have to keep our distance. Because normal rules still don't apply. We have zero boundaries with each other. And we have lives we'd like to not screw up. I have military friends I'd drop everything for... But I'm still moderately responsible about it. But this guy? No rules. Trying to describe him to others is kinda impossible. And don't get me started on the rest. Those relationships are if anything, even more impossible to describe. Both their ultimate & zero importance then, and zero & negative value now. Like they don't exist. Even if they were standing in front of me.

So I get your friend trying to attach some sort of title to biomom that shows the level of importance / value to him then/now, and how that conflicts with relationships then/now. To steal from Dr.Who... You know a jell-o mould? It's absolutely nothing like that. There just aren't the words in English to define things correctly. It's not a delusion. Even if she doesn't find it a betrayal, or isn't hurt by it.

Strong 2nd on therapy. But it's hard to find people conversant in kidnappings for ransom, POW, etc.
 
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Therapy. The husband needs to find a trauma therapist. You can advise your friend to help him get into therapy. It will take a bit of experimenting to find the right therapy for him, I think. As a survivor of torture myself (whew, it's still hard to write that) I can say that EMDR was too intense for me, but there are other things that work. I've been reading up on somatic experiencing and craniosacral therapies lately; personally, I do a combination of EFT and talk-therapy.

He needs to be getting help from a professional, and not his wife.

The sufferers' supporters section on this site is really great, and you might encourage his wife to look into that as well. But really: therapist. Possibly also psychiatrist. Is there a reason he's not in therapy, besides possibly avoidance?
 
Therapy. I posted a response for your other thread also.

This isn't something his wife can actually help him with - nor can you. I'd say she could check out the supporters section on this site and might get some great sense of community there.

Is there a reason he's not in therapy, besides (perhaps) avoidance?
 
He is in therapy with a very skilled doctor, and he was improving. It's mostly just doubt. I'm just afraid he won't heal, and that the delusion will stop him, or that he'll get hurt or hurt someone else because of them if he is encouraged to keep them until he's "more ready." From seeing the answers, I feel better. I know it might seem silly to post this knowing he's already in a professional's hands, but, well...

Hugs to you, by the way. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. Thanks for your reply, it was very helpful.
 
Solara, thank you. :) The husband is in therapy. Would it be beneficial if they both have the same therapist? They do joint, and separate, with the same guy.

Justmehere, thanks so much. That was very helpful.

KwanYinGirl, I appreciate and understand your concern. Police were involved, and measures have been taken so it doesn't ever happen again. We won't wait for something bad to happen. It's difficult for him, yes, but her health and protection is being held up even higher. He didn't have weapons, he was only trying to free her, and luckily he harmed no one in doing so. She spoke to someone after to check her health. Thank you for pointing it out.

FridayJones, I didn't think of that. I'll bring it up to my friend or actually the counselor and see about it. Thanks.
 
It is good that he is in therapy. But if you ever become genuinely concerned about the reality of him hurting himself or someone else, then it is best to report it. It's never nice to see a friend involuntarily sectioned, but I imagine it would be better than seeing a friend live with something he has done in a delusional state.
 
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