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My Grandmother Is In Town And I Want To Ask Her Details Of My Abuse ....

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.... But I'm not sure it would be helpful.

I don't remember most of what happened to me. I know I was young - I know it happened several times because my haircut changes in the memories. I know it happened - my grandfather, the shower, me and my sister .... I know he abused us sexually. Over and over. I can't remember how he got us alone and I don't know why or how it eventually ended. My sister could have corroborated my story, but she died half a lifetime ago.

I shouldn't ask

But I want to know.

It's little details - like details about the bathroom, the white tiles, the fauny plants. I want to know that my memory is intact - that the fragments I have originated in that bathroom, that the violation and hurt and pain and humiliation I felt at six and seven and eight and nine was real.

But would these questions help? I'm worried that they won't, that answers aren't answers. And I think everyone knew, especially my grandmother who was married to him. People knew. They looked the other way. They let him hurt me.

Should I ask? Should I not? And should I even bother to see her? I hate her for being an idle stander-by. I hate her for not doing anything to intervene, but she's my one link back to that period of my life .....
 
I am afraid that she will have denied it was going on, or she will blame you for it?

I would ask her about details surrounding the abuse, but once you bring up the abuse itself, communication is likely to shut down.
 
I don't think I could possibly ask her about the abuse itself. I don't think anyone would believe me, or acknowledge it. My memory is so, so fragmented, that what I really want are just details about the house they lived in. Things that would confirm that my memories are, indeed, from that place and not confabulated. But it's hard to bring up - how do slip these things in without being obvious? So hard. And can I handle it if I'm wrong about what happened?
 
@joeylittle That's a great idea; thank you. Benign. Reminiscing. But painful, painful: I hate thinking about being a little kid, especially a little kid that was abused by people who should have protected her .... But, I want answers. Or maybe not answers; maybe I just want verification that I'm not the crazy woman my family has always purported me to be.
 
Depending on her age, it may not be odd to do sort of a "I just wanted to talk about what I remember from being in your house while I have the chance" thing. From my experience most people like to talk about themselves/their past and a lot of older people, particularly when some dementia kicks in, like to talk about the thing they knew well and therefore most remember. If you can just get her talking maybe you can slip in things like "I have this memory, but I don't even know if it was in your house I was so young, did your kitchen have this wallpaper? (or what have you)". If your relationship is at all good, probably she won't think it odd and will just be glad to talk to you. If she's super hesitant to discuss certain things, that might tell you what you want to know also. But if she's in denial or wasn't aware, then basic questions shouldn't be too strange- out memories when we're young can be very jumbled whether there's trauma present or not. The photo album idea is great too, because then if it gets awkward you can always just turn the page and ask "who's that?"

Just my two cents. I hope it goes well.
 
I chickened out on talking to her. BUT, she volunteered some information I wasn't expecting:

I have a distant family member around my age, that I haven't really been in touch with for years. I guess this person recently came to my grandmother and disclosed that she had been molested as a young girl, around the same ages as I. She named a different perpetrator than my grandfather, but man, the connection and similarities in our stories are uncanny.

I could barely handle that conversation. I just wanted to blurt everything out, but I also felt so immobilized. This is the first time there has ever been a suggestion of sexual abuse within our family, and I was astounded that people have believed her. I wonder if they would believe me as well ....

I'm staying with relatives for the second night in a row and I am crawling out of my skin to get back home and be alone with my thoughts. This information feels like too much to handle, even though I've wanted some validation for years ...
 
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