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My History With Trauma

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Wolfe076

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Well to begin with i am now 58 years old and always thought i could deal with anything that life threw at me, problems i have encountered seemed to be just that, problems that everyone deals with on a day to day basis.

Now to cast back to 1976 when i was 19 i was a very keen footballer and fairly good and also very good at the Martial art of Tae Kwon Do (reaching red belt and training for black belt) so i was a very active person, then i buy a motorcycle, i buy the biggest most powerful bike you can within the laws of the UK as a first time rider,
my first real time on it i had a rather serious accident, major trauma! (can expand later) compound fractures in every bone in my leg including a snapped patella!
rushed to hospital i had lost a lot of blood but because i have a rare blood group the nearest supply was 30 miles away, i was slipping fast so a priest was called to give me the last rites (unbeknown to me as i was unconcious at this stage) the surgeon not only saved my life but also my leg but in his opinion i would never walk again and most likely have to use a wheelchair. i was put in traction for a number of weeks and then a triple hip spika plaster which i had on for 18 weeks, after that it was physiotherapy 3 times a week, i had to learn to walk again, it took me 2 years but eventually aided with a leg caliper i was able to take my first steps without crutches! now at this point i had had many 'flashbacks' to my accident even the odd nightmare but doctors told me they would subside in time,
they did, and i tried as best i could to live as normal a life as possible except all the things i loved doing , it was hard, but anyway fast forward to 2005/6.
i am diagnosed with Chronic Myeloid Leukeamia its a big shock which i try to hide from family and friends, it is then i start to become withdrawn and although i still have friends and family feel alone and dispondent, however i battle on and overcome this illness much to the amusement of my Professor who called me the 'Worst patient i have ever had to deal with' we part on good terms lol,

ok , remember my accident way back in 1976 ? well all through the years i have lived with pain, to the point that all the differing painkillers did nothing to ease, sleep also disrupted, i cannot recall ever having a good night sleep, always tired, you just fight it yeah, well the pain became so bad in the year 2000 i sought medical help, an Orthopeadic surgeon suggested to me that i needed total knee replacement surgery but as i was still relatively young to put up with the pain as long as i could otherwise i would just wear out the new joint much quicker (which meant more trauma 2 maybe 3 times more) i was used to pain now so hung on until 2012 when i could stand it no longer,
i had the surgery but due to complications i was in hospital for almost 2 weeks as opposed to the normal few days.
happy days! i have no pain !! but, my mobility has been substantially reduced despite working so very hard at the exercises etc ,

fast forward to today, and i am not sure i know who i am anymore, a caring happy go lucky man who loved to be around people , very open and with a generous nature is now someone who is becoming more withdrawn as the days pass, sleep is still non existant all bar a few of broken hours, mood swings becoming more apparent , couldn't care less attitude, not interested in life in general ( early last year had considered ending my life as couldn't see any positives) , very snappy to my partner and rarely talking to her, also and this is a worry, i talk to people in my head!
for instance.. i review conversations over and over, sometimes even when the convo is still ongoing!
my partner may ask me if i want a coffee, i say 'yes please' she waits for the answer, then asks again, at this point i snap back, ''YES I JUST SAID' the reality is that i only answered in my head and not to her directly! it all has become too much for me so after an appointment at the docs i have new medication and my chemist has gone through all symptoms with me which has relieved my anxiety to a point.

well i would be interested to read people's thoughts on my story, i never knew that PTSD could manifest itself so long after major trauma but i guess i have had trauma most of my adult life so who knows.
 
Well to begin with i am now 58 years old and always thought i could deal with anything that life thre...
You are so strong! I am so sad for all the things you have been through and continue to fight, but you know what? You are truly an inspiration! You have been through so much and still come out swinging!

I completely relate to the PTSD, the insomnia, the mood swings, feeling bad for my partner because of it, etc. I feel like you're writing from my head, except our traumas are different.

How is the leukemia? Are you in remission? Are you still in treatment? I will follow you and I hope to get to know a bit more about you. Just know that I already look up to you and the strength that you have had and continue to have. What a truly strong person and what a wonderful inspiration to others you are. You are proof, as am I, that doctors are wrong sometimes. We did learn to walk again and we do still live! YAY for us! We will conquer! :-)
 
You are so strong! I am so sad for all the things you have been through and continue to fight, but...
hi Theresa,
i had the 5 year all clear just 3 months after my knee surgery so 2012 should add that i was the worst type of patient , forgetting to take the meds, missing doctors appointments etc, actually i thought i had beaten the cancer in 2006 but it returned in Jan 2007, what followed was 3 months of intensive chemo followed by daily visits by a MacMillan nurse to my home, by sept 2007 the cancer had gone :) as for being strong, well i am no different to you or anyone else either on this forum or elsewhere, the only thing that bothers me is that all through the years has this condition controlled my behavior and this now has me trying to analyse every point in time that i have upset someone or been a right jerk.
 
hi Theresa,
i had the 5 year all clear just 3 months after my knee surgery so 2012 should add that i...
We all have our "jerk moments". We need our space to deal with our issues. I do look up to you though and congratulations on the all clear results. See, you are very strong! :D
 
I had trauma in early childhood to young adulthood. As a young adult I threw myself into work, worked with racehorses, bred them, was foal manager, worked with show horses, camped, hiked, kayaked, swam, worked out. Then I went to nursing school and became an RN. When I was 52, my back was so arthritic that it was compressing my spinal cord. I had surgery, and it didn't help the pain, or weakness. I had to quit my charge nurse job, and take a less strenuous job as a nurse case manager. I took a 15,000 dollar a year cut in pay. My pain was so awful, and the surgeon and his assistants decided I was a "psych case" and announced it in my unit in front of doctors and nurses I had worked with for years. I was mortified. I was diagnosed with Post surgical neurosis, and PTSD until 2 1/2 years later when I had a 2nd surgery and they found that it was caused by massive amounts of scar tissue. Then it was just PTSD. Assholes.

Anyway, I had to stop doing what I loved too. My job, my hobbies etc. I had to create a new life on disability since the degenerative arthritis never goes away. I never knew I had PTSD, or even remembered a lot of traumatic events. When I started therapy for being in pain, and "not having a reason, according to the surgeon", after a few months my trauma came flooding back. So I understand what you are saying. You are very strong to have lived through so much and handled it well for so long! It is not unusual for PTSD to show up later in life. It is hard to redefine yourself and find hobbies and interests that your illness allows, but it will come eventually.
 
I had trauma in early childhood to young adulthood. As a young adult I threw myself into work, worked...
Goodness, you have been through a lot. What a jerk to call out any kind of mental illness out lout in front of co-workers. WOW! To already deal with trauma from childhood and then have that jerk say those things, losing your profession, hobbies, horses, everything - boy have you been through a TON! And for you to be on here talking so sweetly to me about being strong - WOW - you are the strong one here! I can't even imagine!

Of course, being on here, I've heard some stories and talked to some people that are really amazing! I'm so glad I found this forum. It helps me know that I'm not alone or completely crazy because of some of my symptoms. It is really hard to get those without trauma around us to understand. Even those with trauma that choose to "sweep it under the rug" because they see therapy as a sign of weakness (my parents are like this). Therapy is finally helping me since I found the right psychologist. I look forward to my appointments. I'm a little nervous about my first equine session on Monday because I've never done it before, but I trust my psychologist so I'm just trying to breath deep and know it will be OK.
 
I'm glad you found this site. It has helped heal me more than therapy, I believe. We are all strong. We were convinced we were bad or weak, but we weren't. I bet you will love your equine therapy! Horses are great therapy objects, I have a mastiff service dog who is very empathetic too. What kind of dog do you have?
 
I'm glad you found this site. It has helped heal me more than therapy, I believe. We are all strong....
My dog is a Chow Chow / Black Lab / Border Collie mix. His picture is my avatar. He's very helpful. He's protective and kind of scary looking, so he helps make me feel safe. :-)
 
I am not sure if anyone has talked with you about "chemo brain." It is very real and can last a short time or forever. What you describe is very spot on with the symptoms And side effects of undergoing chemotherapy. You might try googling "effects of chemo brain" and see what information is out there. As well, you might want to find an experienced doctor to speak with about what symptoms you are having. The chemistry of the brain can be changed quite easily when taking such incredibly dangerous and potent drugs. Think about it, chemo kills all the cells in your body not just the cancerous ones. It is an intravenous systemic treatment. You don't get to say where it travels to in the body so of course it goes to your brain. It kills those cells as well!
Please be kind to yourself because this is likely something that cant be remedied without medical intervention. You can't help it. I have known a few people with similar problems and through medical intervention they were able to stabilize somewhat and enjoy a more regular quality of life.
 
I am not sure if anyone has talked with you about "chemo brain." It is very real and can last a short ti...
I will look that up. Thank you for the advice/info. I'm only on one anti-anxiety medication and pain pills, which I'm trying to get off because I just had surgery to help my chronic pain (I have a spinal cord stimulation implant now). My husband was the one who was on all that stuff when he tried to kill me then took his own life. I don't drink anymore, although I did at first turn to alcohol after the trauma, but I've been clean and sober for over a year now. Life is better than it was. I have a WONDERFUL psychologist that I'm working with on a regular basis and she helps me a lot. My first equine therapy session is tomorrow afternoon. I'm nervous because it's something new, but I'm excited at the same time - if that makes any sense.
 
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