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Relationship My Husband Wants A Divorce, I Don't

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adviceplease

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My husband and I have been together for six years. We got married last August. We have had some serious ups and downs, but we always talked it through. He is active and we have been together through 2 deployments and just as many break ups.

A year and a half ago he was assaulted, arrested and charged with a DUI. Work finally made him go to counseling for alcohol abuse and he was diagnosed with PTSD and ADHD. In the assault his 2 front teeth were knocked out and he had extensive surgery. I was there with him the whole time, holding down a full time job, while going to school full time.

The first year of marriage after so much drama hasn't been easy, but I thought with time and love we could work through it like we always have. Unfortunately, he continues to drink, stay out all hours, and disengage himself from our lives. He was going to his therapist regularly at one point and even had a few non drinking past times and was working out.

About 2 months ago, I broke my foot. I got a cast and crutches and was homebound. I really had to depend on him, much like he depended on me when he was injured. It put a lot of strain on us, and I have to admit was depressed and not happy.

2 weeks ago he said he had enough and without even considering an alternative told me he wants a divorce. He stopped sleeping in our room, stays away days on end and won't communicate with me. I am still homebound and on crutches, and this is devestating to me. I have tried for days to change his mind to, get him to commit to counseling. He agrees and then changes his mind, doesn't think there is anything to save, and says he hasn't been happy for a long time, claims to be a bad person and that I shoukd fins someone else.

I don't know what to do, my insurance won't cover couples therapy and he says the army doesn't either. I want to believe there's hope for us, WE had good times and were happy, but he seems to have forgotten that and the whole vow 'in sickness and in health'. If I ask him for help he comes home for the task and heads back out the door.

I don't have military spouse friends, I don't have anyone to talk about his PTSD. We're on hold and in our state you have to seperate for 6 months before filing for divorce, but I have limited mobility and the stress of this situation is hindering my recovery. My friends, who don't have active spouses all suggest moving on and distancing myself, but we're married...and I can't let go.

I'm just looking for advice from any supporters who have had similar situations with their spouses. Did time and counseling help heal? Or did you have to let go? Are there options in the militants health system I can access?
 
Hi adviceplease

It sounds really awful what you are going through. :hug:

I am a sufferer of PTSD, and I am also a supporter. I write from the perspective of being on both "sides" of the struggle. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You deserve so much better.

Until he is willing to take responsibility and get help, any help he can find, I don't think it is wise to plan on him changing. Even if you got back together again, I think it's almost inevitable that he will again try to run from the relationship again - and from whatever pain he is trying to drink his way out of.

One free option for support is to go to al-anon. I found it to be a place of great support for myself until I was able to find other support. Initially, I didn't think I needed to go and that my loved one's drinking wasn't an issue - but I found that the group was really a huge support for not just the getting drunk, but all the other behaviors and how to cope with it all.
Unfortunately, he continues to drink, stay out all hours, and disengage himself from our lives. He was going to his therapist regularly at one point and even had a few non drinking past times and was working out.
Sounds like he is in quite the downward spiral... I recommend finding all the support you can for you.
I don't know what to do, my insurance won't cover couples therapy and he says the army doesn't either.
If your insurance will cover it (and it should) individual therapy and support for yourself is probably another good option to look into. This is not because there is something wrong with you, but because even if you stay together, this is really tough stuff you are going through. It is going to take time to work this all through, and you deserve all the support you can get.

As for couples counseling, first of all, it's my understanding you can get couples counseling through the army. I don't know if it is the best support or not, but it is at least an option. This is one source for info on that: http://spousebuzz.com/blog/2012/02/how-tos-of-military-marriage-counseling.html It has links on who to call and where to go.

While couples counseling might be an option the army offers, it won't work unless he is willing to do it and he is willing to work on himself. He may not be ready to do that. He may never be ready.

I have a feeling he will find any way he can out of his own therapy, or any couples counseling. You can't change him. No one can. He's gotta hit his own rock bottom. This is one of the very hardest things about loving someone with a battle against PTSD and alcoholism.
Focus your effort on getting all the support you can for you. That is the very best chance you have of anything changing for the both of you is to focus on the one thing you have any control over: you. It's the best way you can support yourself and him.

As far as if the relationship can change or not... no one can really say for sure. I do think it is wisest to plan on him staying just as he is now, maybe even worse. It is rarely wise to stay in a relationship on the hope that someday the other person will change. This almost never works out well for either party. I recommend getting support for yourself and taking time for yourself to evaluate if the relationship is worth it or not to you to stay in it if he didn't ever change.

That being said, it makes a lot of sense that it is really hard to let go. There were reasons you fell in love with him and have stayed as long as you have. It's a lot to let go of - and that may be what you need to do for your sake, and his. Be kind to yourself and get all the support you can. Glad you are here. :hug:s to you.
 
I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I was divorced 1 1/2 yrs ago after 30 yrs of marriage. Now I am dating a vet that is a recovering Alcoholic now 29 years. I know he is a completely different person. He has been such a support during this difficult time for me. I can tell you what I think he would say. Your husband has to face the 'isms' in his life. He says they call it 'Alcoholism' but Alcohol is not the problem. It is a complicated issue that your husband will not fight and must not be ready and willing to fight yet. Maybe if you were separated and he hit bottom and got the help he needed eventually you could have a relationship again.

But right now I wouldn't think he is able to handle one. It isn't fair to yourself to have to live through that hell if he isn't getting the help he needs. It is a very hard decision to make. The love was gone in my marriage but I wanted to try and save it somehow but my ex didn't want to go to counseling. It took a long time for me to make up my mind to finally leave him and start another life. But I had to do it for my sanity.

Take care of yourself. There is always someone on here to talk to almost anytime. You are not alone!!
 
Hi adviceplease

It sounds really awful what you are going through. :hug:

I am a sufferer of PTSD, a...
Thank you for you kind words. I get lost in my own thoughts at home all day long and I needed to share. I postponed my individual counseling because of my injury, but I am looking to speak with someone soon. I can't help but think he'll snap out of this episode to be my husband again, but thinking like that is fruitless. And you're right he needs to take the steps necessary to heal himself.
 
I am so happy I stumbled across this forum, and many thanks for taking the time to read this and offer advice. It is comforting to know others care. I agree alcohol isn't THE problem, it fuels several problems.
 
My ex husband was active duty, and we got marriage counselling, with pretty much no wait, absolutely free, and on post from the Army. Do you have a chain of concern with the spouses? Maybe you can find out who teaches the AFTB classes and ask them. Or look in the base directory, or check the base "information channel" on TV.... Usually it's a part of Army Community Service or the Chaplin.
 
I know what you mean about being happy to find this forum. I just found it this past weekend. I had no one to talk to about what I have been going through. It has already been such a blessing for me.
 
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