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My Marriage - A Direction of Impact Nearing

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by anthony, Jan 25, 2007.

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  1. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    I thought this might be quite interesting actually, to do exactly what Andrea recently did by looking for those on the opposite side to give their opinions. I will detail things here, and would love to have spouses input and advice, and maybe even see when looked at broadly, the impact on sufferers spouses and relationships play.

    I posted in December last year within the private PTSD forum about the issues currently going on within my own marriage, not healthy to say the least, let me just say that. Kerrie has issues, I have issues, I am working on mine, IMO Kerrie falls very short on her side of things, as she doesn't work on her own problems, instead only raises PTSD as an excuse to lure and shift blame from herself.

    To give you an idea, Kerrie had abuse issues as a child, and she has had many anger issues whilst with me, anger issues which she even exposed to her own family as being my fault again, when I was left with little choice but to defend myself and protect myself by forcing her against a wall, or pushing her out of the way to get myself out of the situation, yet when expressed, I was the one at fault. Funnily enough, just like Somaliaspouse did recently, gave half the story, until her husband Paul found the information and gave the full story. Half stories are wonderful, but not very helpful.

    I have been a bastard in life, have no doubts, but I know what I have done, how I have been, and even today my emotional issues with withdrawal, yet I know what my problems are and work on them constantly. Kerrie seems that she is above having to work upon her own issues, just me apparently.

    Kerrie took the two little one's and went to her Mothers in December, and has been their since, because she had another outbreak at my older son and kicked him whilst he was seated on the lounge. It was most likely a harmless kick, one of those soft one's to get a teenager moving, yet when asked, she denied it. When it happened my teenager yelled for me through the house, but did not retaliate as I have told him not too, and he repected that wish thank christ, other wise things could have been a lot worse. Anyway, Kerrie used to hit me and be quite abusive physically when she lost her temper, though she has not done that too me in over a year now, as I was walking out the door otherwise; however now she seems to believe that my teenager is fair game to abuse instead, mostly emotional but now the same tactics as she used on myself.

    Yes, I was emotionally abusive to Kerrie, and everyone in my life when my PTSD was uncontrolled, absolutely, and I would be a liar to deny it. I failed to be a father to my teenager, I failed to be a loving husband, yet I fought through everything to become a much happier person, at peace with myself to move within life without such constant anger and irritation. Logan is just as bad as Kerrie, have no doubt, and as a teenager with a stepmum can be quite a cheeky little smartarse, to say the least, yet trying to control him and an adult who acts more like a child is wearing, to say the least. Anyone with a teenager knows what I am talking about, how to respond to their cheek, and how not to respond to them. If you feed and respond, they will continue to act that way, because they know it hurts you. Why? The same across the world, often hormones, social pressures, their finding themselves within the scheme of life, learning, etc etc... teenagers are brutal, and you must be an adult to handle them, not resort to their own tactics, because it doesn't work.

    So you can see the issues I have been dealing with, and would love to hear valued input on how spouses see these issues and their advice. I don't want sympathy, because its not warranted, I want advice, I want experience, because at the moment, I am nearing walking out of my own marriage, and the longer Kerrie stays away just helps me with this. I spoke with her tonight briefly, as she was telling me her plans for weeks away in attending a clinic where she is for young Caleb, etc etc, meaning she won't be home anytime soon. To be honest, do I want her home for all these reasons above? I want my kids home... that much I can say.

    As you can see, not everything in relationships has to do with PTSD, yet spouses often think so, and they even believe it, even once healed. How do you think that makes me feel? Well, its makes me feel like I wasted my own time in order to heal, because my own wife judges me the same, whether something is PTSD related or not. I can say this, because she called our acupuncturist a week or so ago to give to me a call, and see if she can do a treatment for me to help my PTSD! Interesting ha? I thought so. You see, Kerrie is sitting at her mothers ringing people here in Melbourne because she thinks PTSD is at fault, but cannot see her own fault in this, and once again confusing PTSD with relationship realities. Relationships are tough at the best of times, yet somehow when PTSD is present, spouses seem to always think everything is PTSD, even once healed.

    My own PTSD has been fine until tonight, when this just really pissed me off, in that she took my children away from me, without my consent, expected me to then follow her for Christmas like a good little boy, then thought she can just plan away and continue her little holiday keeping my own children away from me. About a weeks time, that will be two months away from me she has taken them. Now, why do spouses think everything has to do with PTSD? I will tell you... absolute ignorance often off their own involvement within relationship issues, looking to shift blame that rightfully belongs to themselves. Now I am healed, and put up with all this for two months without issue of PTSD, until now... so imagine what someone who hasn't healed trauma, and how long do you think they would last, and what do you really expect their reaction to be? I can tell you, KABOOM!

    Again, I would love to hear spouses input into these situations, their experience and knowledge, not just the one line BS statements either, but valuable input and advice from their side of things. Me, I am close to packing up Kerrie's shit, putting it on a truck and sending it all to her mothers, one way, no return to sender. Why? Because I am sick to death of seeing PTSD being used for an excuse in all situations, and my own spouse who cannot even see where real issues lay, and self failures to help themselves at the same time, instead just look for blame.
     
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  3. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

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    Anthony I had to read your post several times so I could do a reply first of you dont want sympathy sorry you have got it. I dont read the Private Forum but I thought there must have been problems as Kerri had been away so long.
    I really feel for you this must be bloody hard especially with the new baby you must be missing the children terribly you could understand it if you had gone on a course or gone out bush for a couple of months and not seen the kids for this time but to have them taken away like that is very sad.
    Would it be in your interest to go and visit Kerri or is that not possible?Physical confrontation would have to be better than phone calls.
    Kerri has some anger issues there and is taking them out on your son. You can talk to him until you are blue in the face on how to behave we all know what teenagers are like they have this attitude these days that the world owes them.
    Sometimes I think us spouses use PTSD as an excuse for behaviour.
    Hubby used to do things that would piss me off before he was diagnosed.
    Not many days go past that I think life for me would be so much better without him in my life ( people have told me this ) BUT that is not going to happen I have learnt to live and put up with this life I feel a responsibility towards him as well he is my husband and I do love him.
    Kerri needs to have a good look at what she is doing to you and your children they need to have their dad around at these early years.
    You have done so well to live with your PTSD gee if my hubby had as much willpower and determination as you Anthony I would be one very happy lady you have done so much and should be proud of yourself it is such a shame that Kerri cant see this in you!
    Jen
     
  4. Andrea42

    Andrea42 Active Member

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    Hi Anthony,
    Responding is a bit intimidating considering a lot of us in a way see you as a leader and you are usually the one who breaks everything down so perfectly for us... yet still goes to show that we are all in the same boat at one time or another. I have read this thread a few times now (Like Jen lol) and it’s a tough one now that the tables are turned.... It was easier when I was the one asking the questions I guess.
    If I may ask Anthony, Why did you decide it would be interesting to do what i did??! Get input from the other half of the relationship?? I did it because i was desperate and am unable to talk to my husband...because I didnt know where else to turn :( I am at a stop and cannot move forward anymore until there is some idea of what is coming ahead…... not sure how you feel but it seems that you are at the end of your rope with putting up with the shit you are going through. Also, I will try my best to be careful with what I say so that people don’t get the wrong idea.
    This is very interesting, I have done the same for many years only that I didn’t have PTSD to blame until now so instead I blamed everyone around me... of course i have problems and thats why i feel my thread in the PTSD section went so wrong! because of me and my personal problems :( and I know everyone keeps asking me what the hell my problem is.. But trust me if I knew I would tell you guys and you will be the first to know once I see a doctor and get an answer myself. I never meant to upset anyone but considering i am not well right now (and have not been) i blamed everyone else for this and that when it was me who took something the wrong way and exploded for no good reason(when in fact i was given what i asked for, the truth… and I do still appreciate it) I always see the things i do too late... i have always been known for speaking too soon or in order words speaking without thinking and believe it or not it has gotten a lil bit better, none the less i still do it and I did it in that thread. I did apologize, and i still think about it everyday hoping that i will still get to hear from the sufferers because everyone here is full of great advice and even though the spouses help a ton with support, the people with PTSD have been the ones who have educated me. So I don’t know is your wife feels guilty about the things she says or does a lil too late but I know I do.
    Also, in my case i tend to do it to everyone not just my spouse. I try to tell my husband its not personal but alot of the time it seems like it to him because i spend most of my time with him.
    I can tell everyone here and Anthony you already know that growing up for me was not fun either... my parents fought in front of me most every single night for years and years and did horrible things in front of me that a child should not see. I too, have anger issues. I have hit, or thrown stuff at my husband in the past... I stopped doing it when we separated and I came back to him because 1) i finally realized it was a problem because he was no longer going to tolerate it and he was going to leave me and 2) because i actually saw the fear in his face when i would get angry. (not fear of being hit, but fear of not knowing what i would do because i am a very unpredictable person) so i have not done it for over a year now but what i do now is abuse my own body when I get angry which is not good either.... i am trying hard to stop that. Besides all that, nobody deserves to be abused in any way, under any circumstance. After all the shit I have done to my husband he continues to stay with me. Proves to me how much he really does love me… but does not mean he will tolerate it either if I start again.
    I am very good at pointing fingers and it’s not intentional but more and more my husband is making me realize that i do it!! And the thing is that i don’t even notice it! (and i feel bad because i know its not his job to freakin make me understand the what looks like "childish" things i am doing... but its a prob, and its not on purpose) to be honest for a long time i thought it was ok to do that and i thought i was right. Like, i am a bad wife and i have a horrible life because of my parents, i hit myself because my husband makes me angry.... I always look to put the blame on someone other than myself
    I hope that when i find a doc she/he can help me out with that because i still dont understand why i do it..to a point its uncontrollable :( and it becomes very annoying to everyone around me.
    I just wanted to point this out and say that you have not wasted your own time and you know it. She sees it all the same because she has problems and she needs to get help for that. I have done it too im sure… where i tell me husband he’s full of shit because of the things he does and i blame it on his PTSD when he is thinking clearly and acting on it because he chooses to and it has nothing to do with PTSD... its easy to blame it on something…anything.
    I just feel that Kerrie did not do the right thing by leaving and taking the kids for so long with no explanation. She has no right to keep the kids from you. I don’t know what lead to this (maybe she did want you to follow her) but like you mentioned you did well by not following her like a “little boy” like she probably wanted you too. You always say don’t put up with our shit (PTSD sufferers) but don’t forget that while we are not putting up with your shit, we the supporters might start taking advantage of you guys in a way.. To be in control…to have the power in the relationship. I really hope that’s not the case..but my husband has even told me before that he feels I am happier when he is at his worst…I don’t like that.
    I don’t know if I have not done my homework or it has not been mentioned but does Kerrie want to get help? If so, whats keeping her? And are you supportive of her? Some of us do need a little push (like me, without that push, I could stay in bed all day and not do shit for myself or anybody else) You might be the stronger one in the relationship right now Anthony… Maybe it seems that she is doing all this shit because she feels desperate with all that is going on between you guys and the problems she has within herself. It has to be hard with the kids too…. I am not a mother yet so I cannot relate but I can imagine the stress. Maybe she is just at a really weak point I am saying this because that is how I feel right now…. I am so weak that it is hard for me to do anything for myself or anybody else… I believe things can get that bad. I am going through it.
    All in all Anthony, I understand you are sick of PTSD being used as an excuse…you seem angry as well. Im sure that doesn’t help you with staying on top of things and getting better… you say that your own spouse cannot see the real issues…how can she?? She is not well…remember when you didn’t know what your issues were?? Maybe she has not looked into it, in which she should be doing, especially now that she is away. But perhaps she has no clue of whats wrong with her and she doesn’t know where to turn, just like I feel. I highly doubt it is on purpose Anthony. When we have problems it seems like we do heartless or horrible things to hurt people, but we really don’t even realize it. That’s how troubled we are. On top of that she has been there with you through all the bad moments you have had and I can tell you that after a while it affects us too…. I really think you guys should have a talk. And i dont mean a quick phone call either. You guys should do it face to face. Ask her what she is planning on doing… Why she is away and When she is coming back home. And if she thinks about how its affecting you that she is keeping the kids away. Its hard for all of us but communication is the key. Me and my hubby still suck at it but we keep trying.
    Kerrie needs help. I see that she has tried to be strong for you from conversations that we have had..but it seems that she needs to do something about what she is going through. She cannot ignore it forever. It wont go away. Im sorry if this is messy and I don’t make too much sense…I am at work and can get in trouble if I get caugh so if something doesn’t sound right please let me know…. I am not sure if I explained my situation well, but I do have a point…if I didn’t make it, I will re-read this tonight again and make the corrections. Thanks for listening to our side Anthony. I know you are in a tough situation. I, like Kerrie am the ones who does this to my own husband…its not fun. And I wish I would stop it.
    This has to do alot with the children (though i have decided to stay away form that subject at the moment) there seems to be more problems than i know....so i dont want to give an opinion yet. But i clearly see that you miss your kids (of course) If she needs time to take care of herself, im sure you are up for it... but you guys need to talk about the kids because what she is doing is not fair... Have you asked to see them? or have you gone to see them at all?? just wondering....well Anthony, again my post is very different than Jen's but i am looking at it from Kerrie's point of view (because i am the same) sorry i cannot give much advice.... but i hope to read more on whats going on..
     
  5. Andrea42

    Andrea42 Active Member

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    Jen,
    Lately i feel that my life would be better, and/or easier without my hubby because i feel its easier to worry about yourself and do for yourself and nobody else. not worry about bills, money, attitude, the home... nothin.. At the moment i feel like nothing but a house wife. I work, come home, clean, feed the dogs, clean the yard and thats about it...same thing every day. But i do love my husband and i love being with him and thats why i stay
     
  6. wildcritter44

    wildcritter44 Active Member

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    :hello: Hi Anthony,

    I remember reading the baby is 3 months? I think! Is is possible Kerrie has Post-partum blues? Which of her parents were the abuser? Since I don't know either of you, I am just bringing up the "ifs" kinda thing.

    you know the things that make a relationship work, like love, trust, honesty, etc. & those need to be a two-way street of course. It takes a lot of hard work from BOTH people. Kids (teenagers in particular) can make life difficult.

    If Kerrie has not "adjusted" to her past life, then it will be very difficult for her to "fix" the future.

    I was somewhat abused more emotionally than physically. I was told I was "worthless" and "good for nothing" and because I am female "I didn't have a brain", etc. I could never measure up to my dads standards. He yelled & screamed, cussed & cursed at me. Occasionally I got beat in his "fit" of anger. By no means is any of this very severe. So ooo many others here, have had it so much worse than I. I really have nothing to complain about.
    I was 26 yrs when I decided I wanted a child. I was 28 yrs when I had my daughter. I did well the first year. The second year I found my self "sounding just like my dad" and OH MY GOD -- DID I EVER HATE THAT!
    I talked with a girlfriend (she had six kids). She was one of 14 kids. Needless to say she knew a lot about families. She told me ONLY I could change me. Another friend gave me a book, Author "Anthony Robbins", title
    "Unlimited Power" I read this book cover to cover. I MADE myself change for my daughter, so she would not grow up believing she was "worthless" and "good for nothing." All her life, I told her how much I love her, how wonderful, special, fantastic she is, how I am SO lucky to have her as my daughter. I told her that she is smart, beautiful, and could do anything that she sets her mind to doing. She just has to work to get there.
    My daughter (firefighter chic) is a wonderful person, very loving, caring, and a super special person. Yes, if she did something "unsafe" I did spank her, like two swats on the butt (not beatings). If she wanted to do something that I thought she should not, we would talk about it. If she wanted to disagree with me, she had to do so "respectfully" and give me valid reasons why I should change my mind. We did this even when she was a teenager. Sometimes I did change my mind, sometimes I didn't.
    What I am saying here is: Kerrie has to want to change herself because of her past, not pass it on to her children. Change is never easy, as I believe, I have read in your posts.
    My questions are these:

    Do you love Kerrie? Does she love you?
    Are you BOTH willing to "work" at fixing this issue?
    She does need to "Fix herself" to some level as you know. You have to "fix yourself" with the PTSD.

    I have never forgotten how I was treated. My dad was a "butt head" to put it politely. He disowned me for marrying ranger. Which was fine by me. I was then able to have my own life. FINALLY! (I was 44YRS)

    I think we all get "tired" of working at our relationships at some point in life. Most especially if the spouse is not trying.

    I guess I do somewhat the opposite of Kerrie, in giving ranger to much slack because of the PTSD. Mostly I try to be understanding. But there are times when I just want to be alone. I need to think. I need to re-charge so to speak. I read, take photographs, I use to horseback ride and travel. His bursts of anger get to me. (reminds me of my dad) unfortunately, but ranger is not verbally abusive to me. If he starts to get that way, I tell him to knock it off.
    When I get depressed I go into the funk mood of believing I am worthless, good for nothing etc. After 40 + yrs, it is still hard to keep reminding myself that I held a good job for 15 yrs then moved on to another good job for 4 yrs and I raised a wonderful daughter (she's 22 yrs now). That I am a :cuckoo: reasonably good person. I have to keep myself in check (not an easy task!, help ranger with his PTSD, w/Dr appointments, school, finances, etc. (life kinda stuff).

    maybe do the PRO/CON list and see if Kerrie will do it as well. See if you both are on the same page.

    you have helped so many people don't put yourself down in any way. We all have a past. It's history and really can't be changed, only our future can be changed, by the things we make ourselves work on today, tomorrow, & the next day, etc.

    Life is short! As Athony Robbins says in his book Unlimited Power --"Live Life With Passion!"

    Hugs to you Anthony (we really do need a smiley face that hugs)!
    I wish you & the whole family the very best life has to offer.

    Take Care

    D (wildcritter)
     
  7. Andrea42

    Andrea42 Active Member

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    Just wanted to explain further on what i meant about this. It affects us in the way that Its easy to forget or ignore your own problems when someone close to you is going through a hard time..its almost as if our own problems dissapear for a little bit.... maybe she was so into what you have been going through that she forgot about herself...Now that you are better... she is back to being worse... and all her problems are back to haunt her.....
    I also agree with the other memebers that the kids play a huge role in this... there is no way this could be easy, it just depends on if you guys want to work it out or if you are done dealing with it.
     
  8. jods

    jods Well-Known Member

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    Sorry to hear that things haven't been going well for your family lately.

    Hmmm,now i'll just do dot points to throw some questions/thoughts at you:

    Is it possible that Kerrie-Ann is post natal? Only ask because of chicken pox & the issues she had after your first son was born.
    If she is, are you prepared to put on the boot & stand by her during her recovery process.

    If it's good enough for one of you to say get help or I'm gone once before then maybe you need to do this again.

    Are you strong or well enough yourself to support her if she seeks help & will need your support.

    Do you still love her enough to want her back in your life?

    If you think that it's over, do you think that between the both of you that you can come up with an user friendly custody arrangement.

    Is family counselling an option for yourself,Kerrie & you teenager?

    Only you & Kerrie-Ann knows what really goes on behind your doors.
    The question is... Who is willing to make the first move to see if you wish to open the door & work through it together or close it because it's easier to keep it shut so you don't see the mess it's left behind.
     
  9. waynes

    waynes Member

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    Concrete-operational thinking

    Antony,
    You know, without a doubt you love your kids. You have the right to go and see them. I'm sure they miss you terribly!
    Please make arrangements to go and see them. If you must, try to do it without their Mum present. In this way you can reassure your little ones that you love them and not have any confontation with Kerrie. I would save that for later, when both of you have figured out what comes next.

    Wayne
     
  10. vcc123

    vcc123 Active Member

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    me too

    Anthony.. I'm a newbie here.. in my heart & head I feel like my marriage is over. Fear & guilt are whats keeping me here right now.. moment by moment. My husband is a cop.. he has alot of his own issues & isnt working on them. He has chosen to drink, I've watched him go from non drinker to early alcoholic over the last couple of years. I've been down this road before and I wont do it again.. I've told him so. Its impossible for me to work on me when there's so much other crap being piled on. Its the opposite here, I dont want to take our 4 year old son away, but I can leave him either. Its making me sick inside.. nauseous.. cant eat.. cant sleep.. I'm so sorry you're on the receiving end of it.. I truly am.
     
  11. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Hi all, thank you for your advice and experience, much appreciated. I have been having some time off, as all this made me quite ill over the last week, so I have been resting and taking it easy to get well again. Taken onboard lots of good points from personal experience above, and much appreciated. I haven't spoken with Kerrie about this, as its the same thing over and over again, this has been going on for quite some time. She is good for a week, then angry, aggressive and so forth again... really just a revolving circle. From all counts speaking with her family and those who have known her longer than myself, she has been angry most of her life. That doesn't mean she is angry 24/7, but usually daily, and multiple times during the day. She gets angry, then is fine... and everyone else is supposed to just accept this apparently. Interesting... I am not angel, far far from it, but I feel that this is just becoming a ridiculous excuse for a relationship to be honest. If she doesn't sort herself out now, its not going to be pretty, let me just say that.
     
  12. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

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    Hi Anthony you need to watch yourself with this you dont want to start going downhill to much as you know it is struggle to pick yourself up again.
    You need to start looking after yourself that is advice I see you give to people all the time on this forum .
    Gee what you are going through would be hard for any man PTSD or not. Take care of yourself Anthony hopefully something can be sorted soon before it hits the fan.
    Thoughts are with you.
    Jen!
     
  13. johnny_longtorso

    johnny_longtorso New Member

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    hey anthony--
    It is very difficult to make momentous decisions when there is no "right" solution apparant, and there are so many uncertainties involved. Remember that my advice is worth exactly what you paid for it.
    I don't know Karrie-Ann that well, but my spouse tends to be very resistant and defensive when she is confronted. I have to push sideways with my suggestions instead of taking her head on. In matters of her recovery and healing, sometimes I have to be content with her jumping off of the cliff in the right general direction instead of giving her step-by-step directions on how to descend the cliff face in the manner that makes the most sense to me.
    Take care of yourself first.
    You can't fix her, only she can.
    Try to establish some sort of communication with her.
    Remember that your wife stood by you while you came to grips with your condition. As the mother of your children, even if you call it quits right now, she will still be a part of your life for the next 18 years, married or not, and there will be some interaction with her.
    Try to give Karrie-Ann all the opportunities that you possibly can to realize that she needs to work on her problems.
    Don't take any irreversible actions unless there is no other choice. There are a lot of lives that will be impacted by the decisions you make.
    Good luck, I'm pulling for you.
     
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