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My Memory Sucks And Is Driving Me Mad

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Kintsugi

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My memory is so bad that I can't remember the thread I really wanted to write tonight.

It's so bad that I feel like I can only remember 15% of what happens in therapy, if I even absorb it in the moment at all.

It's so bad it affects my work sometimes. It poses a hazard occasionally (leaving stoves on sorta thing). It's makes my social isolation 1000X worse, because when I think to reach out or respond to someone, I forget almost immediately to do so.

I have so many problems that need solving, but my memory issues seem to team up with my wicked disordered sleeping patterns such that I seem to get nothing done at all.

It seems my memory has deteriorated lately (past month or so) to the point where my co-workers are realizing I need to be reminded of everything I said I was going to do or wanted to say to our boss, etc. And that's saying something. My memory always sucks, but this is getting a little ridiculous.

I thought about posting this in the dissociation section, because I feel like that's the root of it, coupled with the severe avoidance and isolation I've been practicing. I just don't know. Derealization seems to be running my life lately.

I wish I had some precise question to pose or goal for posting this, but I don't. I just feel like this issue is slowly destroying what I have left of a life. For God's sake, I forgot to tell my dog he could eat after I filled his bowl, then walked back in and wondered for a moment why he was just sitting there, looking at me. :banghead:
 
I have that problem too!!! I worry about leaving the curling iron on and did I do this or that and then I forgot to lock the door. I went to work and extra day and screwed up the schedule and my boss is considering firing me. Just send me home. Forget it I don't need the stress. Head injuries?too much stress? Too much coffee or too much nicotine. Not good sleep. Too much studying. Who knows. Have serious fricken key issues though!!!! Un believable. Been towed from beaches and lakes and have lost them continuously!!! Could be trauma?depression? Too many options! Haha. I learned to write things down at work and make lotsa lists. I dissociate or depersonalize too much too and that's distracting and and and haha hope it gets better for you!!!
 
I have this to a point, getting worse lately. Every time now, not every once in a while, but everytime i walk in a room i right away forget what i walked in there for and then have to walk out and remember but walking back in im reminding myself so i dont forget again.

I often forget where im going when driving and drive toward work when where im supposed to be going is in the other direction and have to turn around.

I also leave the stove on or the oven (IF i eat which is not often anymore) but blame it on my 74 yr old father lol. Its much more common at 74 than it is at 34! I usually am reminding myself to turn it off as im taking the food out.

At work im asking customers constantly to repeat their issue. I'll say "so you're having trouble with you're internet?" Cause we are supposed to repeat the issue back, and them and the customer says "no, i just told you i cant remember my email password!" Doh! Im constantly throughout the call thinking to myself, did i ask them to do that and i DID make like auto checklists that make themselves auto notes.

Also i'll open an email to send my sup something super important and then forget what i was about to send.

I bring my own 2 litera to work and we have an auto ice/water machine and notice after logging and taking calls (cant walk away) i forgot to put ice in my cup thing so i have to drink hot soda. Yuck!

I got to work one day and noticed when i went to go take my xanax, i forgot to take ALL of my morning meds, which is odd cuz i take pain meds and my pain is at its highest in the morning.

I ALWAYS lately that its around 1am and just remembered that i forgot to eat all day. Something im struggling w/ even wanting to do.

My dog also is trained to only eat when i tell him to and ive forgotten to tell him many times, ive forgotten also even to feed him or take him out before. Poor guy :( But he's an 80 lb pitbull and when he needs to go he is relentless in telling you and after a long time he's VERY vocal about it so thats not common unless he's sleeping or not bothering me.

Ive created a post here and forgotten what i was about to ask or say. I do that a lot w/ replies too; usually why im annoyed that my dad asks me a ton of questions while im on here...i dont want to forget what im about to say.

Im sure theres a ton other examples but i cant remember them lol.

I think, for me anyway, its cuz my mind is constantly non-stop running w/ stuff; never ever stopping and i think im just not paying attention or theres not enough room for the day to day stuff.
 
Sucky memory - pick the pieces that suck least, and of the ones that don't suck, how to use them to make a picture of the rest ;):D Harder done than said, but use your strength.

So that question goes other way: How do you remember & how do you bridge gaps?
 
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I have similar problems (But not such well behaved dogs!)

One other thought. Supposedly one of the effects of growing up with PTSD is your amygdala kind of develops in preference to your hippocampus.(probably misspelled!) The hippocampus has a role in learning and memory storage. We all know what the amygdala does. I wonder if this is a factor?

My T recently mentioned something he'd read about this. I asked him if it was possible to "grow" the hippocampus. He smiled and said, "I think that's what we do here in this room, all the time." Who knows? But I've noticed that my ability to remember stuff seems to depend a lot on circumstances. Often circumstances that seem unconnected. Like if there's a crisis in one part of my world, remembering ANYTHING is harder. Also, I remember the conversations with my T about his race car WAY easier than I remember a lot of other stuff. (I remember his stories, no problem. And, these days, he's taken to using a LOT of stories to make his points.)
 
@The Albatross I'm realizing increasingly in therapy that I am very rarely present. It seems to be all the time, lately. I'm noticing more and more that I blank out during conversations, even if they aren't emotionally demanding. I miss swaths of a story I'm being told, even if the story is quite entertaining. I dissociated in the shower the other day, and when I gained an awareness of myself, the water was nearly cold.

I'm not sure I really know how to be present, though. Even when I'm cooking dinner at work--which I love and find very grounding and cathartic--I seem to drift off, and then I do things like open the mug cabinet looking for the milk or opening the pan cabinet when it occurs to me that I'd like some water.

@Cashew The thing I'm really, really good at remembering as a general rule are words that I read or write. I can often remember things verbatim, even if I don't fully understand them (think medical reports). I also have learned to set timers for things I know I'm likely to forget, although I've really let that tactic fall by the wayside, and I need to get back to it. Also, it sounds silly, but I'm less likely to forget something if I remind myself in the moment in a sing-song voice.

I'm starting to wonder if the reason my memory seems to be worse and worse is that my avoidance of things is worse and worse. I spend so much time remembering not to think about things and people that I'm avoiding, maybe I'm throwing the baby out with the bathwater. I know the constant and seemingly unstoppable sleep isn't helping, because spending as much time dreaming as I do awake is making me feel extremely foggy, and derealization seems to thrive in that circumstance.

Oh, ETA: something I did in college to remember things was to write them down in ink on my arm immediately, which meant I was always walking around with my arms covered in notes, but it really worked, and I've definitely noticed in the past year or two that when I think of something really important, I think, "It's okay, there's no way I'll forget that," so I don't write it down on my skin, but then... I totally do forget. :rolleyes:

This is really frustrating, because I remember that I had a really revelatory thought concerning myself or my healing or something recently that was really important, but I did that thing where I was like, "There is no way I'll forget this tomorrow." And... it's gone.
 
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