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My Mom Passed This Morning

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Im trying to let myself feel...anything. i need to do laundry and havent yet, in my PJs, not had a shower in 2 days. Just sitting, sort of spaced out, and noticed that its hard to breathe and im trembling outside and inside. Anxiety. Bad anxiety. I can pinpoint that. I know theres very intense emotions under the numbness. They were there when i heard she was dying and numbed them protecting myself from my family...i get that....but family arent bothering me. My dad & step mom leaving me alone, and im struggling to feel anything. Cant say its the seriqueol xr (deadens emotion a bit) because i was on the same dose when i first heard.

It started to come out a bit last night. Maybe im just numbing it in the day because of my dad & step mom. Or because thats just what i do to be functional. Compartmentalizing and numb most of the "boxes" to function. I dont know.
 
@lostforgottensoul

i think you are actually doing quite well:happy: at letting the chaos/confusion just 'be' what it is.
not forcing anything
just letting the waves come

the urge to cut is the 'need' to break stagnant emotional energy loose....it is stuck...trapped

when emotional energy stops flowing a pressure builds and builds and if nothing relieves that pressure, we get the urge to cut

the act of cutting and the endorphins that follow allow some trapped energy to be released

the act of cutting breaks the stalemate.........at least temporarily.

when i experience the urge to cut i have learned to ask myself "What(specifically) am i NOT letting myself feel?"

the answer will come.....be patient......tell yourself "I have the strength to face whatever i feel"

You WILL get through this!:hug:


May peace replace your pain.:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
 
Even normals go numb at first LFS, it's too much for us to process. And when the person was also the abuser, it's complicated... the fact that you are sharing and not acting things out is a tremendous amount of growth. Remember, I shared with you, that even this will not undo what you have learned and put in place... the feelings will come... you are not crazy, you aren't hard hearted.... and the what if's.... those are normal too, believe it or not... had your relationship been perfect, you would still be asking what if....
I hope you don't try to make the feelings happen.... it won't work.... you are setting with what ever is going on.... that takes a lot of courage... and self discipline.... you are grieving.... it will take time... keep sharing as things build up... or what ever you need to share....
So many of us here understand.... so take care of yourself first.... your T will be back soon... and then you will have your safe place to let go.. we are here.....
 
your T will be back soon

Not soon enough! I swear ive finally found insanity! :wacky: <-- that smilie made me laugh.

you are setting with what ever is going on

Like my friend on the other site says "sit with it like a brick in your lap" though this "brick" is tied to my ankles in water... Poor guy, I havent spoken to him in weeks. Just seems too much. Everything seems too much. My cat touched me and I jumped 10 ft high.

Sigh! At least i know just about anything is going to end up triggering me. Im so trying to stay as aware as i can. If I can...

Thanks for the encouragement! It helps! :hug:
 
Man...I don't know what to say....

it is hard to know what to do.

I lost my father several years ago (dec 2012), and he was one of the many abuse perps...

..it took awhile to sort out things out, but I had made my peace with him before he passed and I suppose that made it a bit easier, but still there is not a day goes by that I don't miss him and I often wonder why he didn't love me when I was a child.....I guess he did in his own sick and twisted way and that is the best that he could do....

Still, a child tends to hunger for the love of their parent(s), for better or worse,....I just hope that you will grieve in your own way, in your own time, and that you will be healed of the past hurts...

......you deserve to be happy and at peace and this is my wish for you!!!
 
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