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Childhood My Mother Didn't Stop The Abuse

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I just had a meltdown in my psychiatrists office unloading about my current situation. I had schedule...

My gosh, it's so hard when there are problems with the professional team that is supposed to help us. ESPECIALLY when going to someone for help can be such a triggering event. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I find that it can be a challenge to find any health care practitioner who is not dismissive or who does the job right. We really have to be our own advocates for our health.

I currently am fortunate to be medication free (except for some temporary meds for tendonitis - can't wait to get off of it). I rely on yoga, meditation, aromatherapy and nutritional supplements to help me with flashback management. However, medication is definitely a good choice for many. I have friends who have other health issues besides PTSD where medication gives them relief but doctors can really give a hard time because they don't know a lot about her sickness (lupus). But with medication for a mental health issue, I imagine it's even worse.

I would be so pissed if someone told me "Maybe you should! (go to the mental hospital)." I guess she thought she was putting her foot down if she thought you were trying to manipulate for meds.

You made it sound like you are currently in an abusive situation. Is that true? Have you talked to someone to plan to get out of it? Or was that in the past?
 
I just had a meltdown in my psychiatrists office unloading about my current situation. I had scheduled a Med consult because that is what has been the course of my treatment (ADHD)
Hi @Taraxacum. Welcome to the forum.

I don't see how this is relevant to Sweet_E's thread about caregivers/guardians/parents turning a blind eye to abuse in childhood. I suggest starting a thread in Medications & Substances or Therapy about your experiences.
 
Sorry for the novel but I'm really trying to make sense of some stuff.

My back-story: My step-dad use...
Sweet_E, I have the upmost admiration for you having to deal with this and making it thru to where you are now.
I saw your thread and had to read it. Because I also told on my abuser. She didn't believe me either.

We were the "perfect" family. Going to church every week and keeping a lovely house and yard. No one knew what was going on behind closed doors. I have memories of me "participating" (for lack of words) and I can see my mom in the hallway. She clearly saw what was going on--then left to go back down stairs. How could she just walk away??

Then when I was finally married in my 20's. I had "forgotten" what had happened when I was a child. I told her how I was having problems with my new husband (in the bedroom). She just listened. Then, when we had divorced, 3 years later. She told me how they had "just thought" that he was raping me back then !!

I wish that I had just screamed at her--"if that is what you thought--why didn't you stop him?"

I have a letter that I wrote to God, that confirms for me that I told her. I have little doubt now. I also tried to tell on him and everyone accused me of lying. I don't talk about it anymore. I just paint on a smile and pretend it never happened--when I'm with them. (one of my favorite sayings is "the elephant in the room" )

I think that it's true about mothers not knowing what to do with the situation, or how to handle it. I have turned my attention these days to study my mother's position on this and to try and understand her place in all this. Back in the 70's, things were different. I can look back and see how she had nothing to rely on and no where she could go. (At least that was how she probably saw it) She also had 4 kids and no job. I would like to think that she was just lost and alone. I will never know. I have to spend time with her a lot these days to help her. However, I will never bring it up to her again. For, as much anger I have inside of me, I can't see any good it would do. I decided that if I tried to talk to her now, and she passed away soon after--I would blame myself-forever. I decided that I had been thru enough pain and would find other ways to deal with it. Alone, outside the family.

I have been reading lots of books on how some mothers are not just "not sure what to do" or they "can't bring themselves to do anything". Maybe she was afraid of him too? I often watch her, and her ways of dealing with problems and life around her especially when "he" is around. I honestly don't think that she is able to give "anyone" the love they want. I don't think she knows how. How sad for her.
 
I am so sorry for what you have gone through. I know how painful it is.

My dad groomed me, starting when I was a toddler (I think). I never remember a time when I wasn't a sexual object for him. he groped me and pinched my butt (in a sexual way) all the time, out in front of the whole family. my mom's response to that was that she had been told by his parents that we were a " butt pinching family". sometimes if he was grabbing me, she'd sort of tiredly and halfheartedly tell him to stop. Often, she seemed it was glad it was me, not him, he was messing with. She never objected to making really blatant sexual comments about me and my body. There was a time, when he went to bed before the rest of us and she would send me in to say goodnight to him. He'd also come into my bedroom at night. He'd molest me during those bedroom times.

When he was groping me, in front of the family, I often told him to stop. I'd even slap his hand away. This was all a "game" to him and I distinctly remember my mom once telling me "he does it to me too" as if that made it ok. I don't think I tried to resist during the bedroom sessions, I'd just freeze.

My relationship with her was mixed. In some ways we were very close. At least when she was being the nice mom. From the time I was 12 to about 18, I was her care taker as she had a lot of health and mental health issues and refused to get medical care. She never really approved of me and could be verbally and on occasion, physically abusive. She could also be fun and enjoyable to be with. Being her caretaker was hard and as she got more and more dependent, and I was just a teen, I began to resent her a lot. As an adult, I was pretty guarded around her, because she would become dependent and demanding more and more emotional support if I let her. If she'd been at all willing to get medical/therapeutic help, it would have been different but she wasn't willing.

As a teen I tried to tell her what he was doing was sexual abuse. She said she doubted that was true and we came from a butt pinching family and got all weird and evasive, said she'd talk to him, and made it clear the conversation was done. Nothing changed. Nothing really changed until I moved out. Years later I had an online journal. My SIL new about it. I was starting to set better boundaries with all my family. My brother's relationship was up and down. During one of the good, close times, I asked my brother if he had seen any sexual abuse and he said no. (apparently the public groping didn't count to him).

During one of the down times, when I was trying to set healthy boundaries with the brother, my SIL shared my online journal with my whole family. On my birthday, my brother and SIL, refused to see me because of the healthy boundaries I'd set. My parents confronted me about the journal. What was public, and they could see, was poetry. Much of it dealt with sexual abuse. It talked about fathers abusing their children. Some of the poetry was about my mother and the ways she had let me down. My mother was angry and went on and on about how awful I was. I was selfish and a liar. I was slandering my father. It didn't matter that the journal was anonymous I was a horrible person for writing that lying poetry. I never trusted any of them again.

I guess I always felt responsible for my mom though, and still kept in touch with the family. After she died though, things changed and I cut contact with the rest of them. (This was a process that took several years). Going through some of my mom's stuff and understanding abusive relationships, allowed me to understand her more. She was a very dependent, unhealthy person. She couldn't deal with her own mental health issues. There was no way she was going to be strong enough to acknowledge and deal with what the dad was doing. She believed she couldn't care for herself, so what would happen if she'd really tried to deal with things. Would she end up alone? Alone with kids? I think as much as possible she kept herself from knowing. I think she was glad when he was messing with me and not her. She may have been jealous too. I know have a lot of empathy for her. Her life was incredibly hard and got worse over the years. I still feel angry, hurt and betrayed by her. Reading this thread made my brain spin some because the feelings are so strong. I'm not sure if that ever goes away.

I hope you don't mind I wrote a novel back. I hope you feel a little less alone in your experience.
 
Sweet_E, I have the upmost admiration for you having to deal with this and making it thru to where you are...

Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your story. It feels validating to know that I'm not alone in my experience. Yet I'm sorry you went through that.

I'm not completely sure I was clear when I communicated to my mom. When you mentioned your letter to God it underscored that it is important to me to know that it was obvious that I needed help- I'm not sure why. Maybe so that I don't blame myself? Maybe I want to attribute some responsibility/blame to her as part of my grieving process? It dawned on me that at the very least she was aware that it was not a safe and healthy environment due to his alcoholism. Eventually she took us to a social worker to do an intervention for him. I remember the LSW pointing out my scared body language when we'd talk about him and also when he was in the room with us.

I also have chosen not to discuss with my mom so far because I do not want to hurt her. In fact, I've thought about telling her in general terms that I know she couldn't always provide everything she would have wanted to provide to me (thinking safety in my mind) but that I've forgiven her. I just don't know how that would come across.

I do want to avoid hurting her. At the last session with the LSW, to my surprise, an ambulance came and took us both to have her admitted to the mental hospital. She must have been in danger of committing suicide. What I don't understand is how the LSW didn't intervene so I wouldn't be left alone with my abusive step father. Fortunately, my aunt got creeped out by him while visiting one day and pulled me out of there. I stayed with our church's assistant pastor for a month until my mom came out of the hospital and we moved in with my grandmother.

Thanks again for your story.

I'm with @Friday on this one.
I've been both the abused who told her mother an...

Thank you so much. I cried when I read your perspective. I know my mom is a caring, loving person and it kills me to think she knew but didn't care. I think maybe she either didn't know or was disassociating and didn't know how to deal with it .

I am so sorry for what you have gone through. I know how painful it is.

My dad groomed me, starting whe...

I don't mind you writing a novel back at all. This has been so therapeutic to hear these stories that validate some of what I've been through. I'm sorry you had to go through that and I will never understand how someone could abuse a toddler like that.

My parents (mom and step-dad) would also openly smack me on the butt when I was a preteen and maybe my teens, even though I would get angry and tell them to stop. It probably justified to my step dad that his behavior in private was okay because I didn't have ownership over my own body. I also remember a creepy comment about my body when I was just starting to develop. I also remember him chasing me around the public swimming pool like he'd do at home before he'd molest me. The instance I remember was when we were the only two there except for the lifeguard. I was terrified and hated it even though it was just "play". I had the comfort of knowing he wouldn't do anything in front of the lifeguard but still, it was so stressful and mind-f*cking (can I say that?) to experience his preamble to the abuse out in the open with someone watching. I can't imagine how it would feel to have actual abuse witnessed by another family member.

Again, I'm so sorry you went through all of that and I'm very grateful for your sharing.
 
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I think that there are lots of people who just don't want to deal with it or even admit that it happens.

It has always amazed - when I look back - how many people 'should' have seen it. But, it is always easier to look back. I saw a child phy. for quite a few years, and during each appt., he spoke to me for a few minutes, he would talk to my parents! Even he - a trained professional for children" didn't see what was going on. Amazing!
 
I think that there are lots of people who just don't want to deal with it or even admit that it happens....

Interestingly, the pastor of my church once directly asked me if I was being abused. At that point, I had already tried to get help and failed and had gone into a completely disassociated state. I answered his question with a No! But a part of me knew I was lying, but I couldn't talk about it because that would involve me facing that it had happened to me. I was not ready to do that.
 
Sorry for the novel but I'm really trying to make sense of some stuff.

My back-story: My step-dad use...

When I started remembering my abuse. I told my mom (at that time I knew I had been touched and that was it), and she said it was Don and I said I am sorry what? It was Don, I was shocked I didn't know who it was. So then I had to go through the same thing. Does that mean my mom knew but didn't stop the abuse? So yeah. Don was my baby sister's husband. I am sure she knew what he was doing.
 
In my house, it was my father who didn't protect us from my mother. She was physically and emotionally abusive, and there's no way he couldn't/didn't know... she would rage & yell at the top of her lungs, throw things, break things, beat us. He was in the house when this would happen, he could hear what was happening... he made the choice to be in another area of the house, he made the choice not to intervene. He was afraid or disinterested (I have no idea) and let his little kids pay the price for not confronting his wife about her abusive behaviour. Better us than him. I don't remember when I discovered he wouldn't help us, I just remember KNOWING that's how it was, and that it was wrong. She was the perpetrator, He was the enabler. I was sexually assaulted when I was about 6(?) at our babysitter's, I didn't bother telling either one of them, I knew they wouldn't help, and I'd probably be the one in trouble.
 
@Friday TheMuppetShow Muppets ARE scary! Especially the two old dudes and the guy with the frankenstien head with the beak. You make a great point though.

No one did anything about my abuse. I was pretty vocal about it near the end because I wanted to go live with my mother. Not only wasn't I believed, but I was punished for telling.
 
My whole family witnessed my father physically abusing me on a relatively regular basis during huge fights. My memoty is super fragmented, but I do remember between the ages of 3-5 my mother telling me that I can't tell anyone or they would take me away. I think this was a much more tangible threat to me because my oldest sister was adopted from an abusive household. I confirmed that this actually happened with my other sister, but she took a similar flippant attitude of most of my family, basically saying "yeah we treat you like shit" but as much as they acknowledge this they never do anything about it. I don't know if anyone knows about the sexual stuff. My memory of any of it is fuzzy at best. I think my brain quite grasp yet that someone could have known and done nothing, it's too much. At this point, I am never going to talk to anyone in my family about it though because I will only get a negative response.
 
Sure this happened to me also. Nobody would save me from my mother and "her second husband " whom we never refer to as step father. I used to go to my mom when he was gone out of the house back to his wife so my mom would bel home with me drinking alone. I'd say ( but not really out loud or completely) let's go ma now we can escape. She'd be like 'escape from what?' Make me a Hi Ball.

I was about 12. When I was not doing that with my mom I was getting beaten up or being sexually promiscuous with anyone I could. Is that what you mean?
 
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