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My Mother is Clueless

Discussion in 'General' started by hollyberry, Nov 24, 2007.

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  1. hollyberry

    hollyberry Active Member

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    I want to thank everyone who put up with me today. Im sorry for what I said in chat room and I'm beginning to understand the rules around here.(and why they are in place) I'll try real hard that it doesn't happen again. The pain I felt earlier today was so intense. I'm so new to this intense pain. Ive been dealing with this since 85 but its never gotton this bad. Probably because the drugs and alcohol is no longer a issue for me. Pretty much been off them for 12 years.


    Also learning about the disassociation and the age that I was is really hard for me. It feels like a totally different person inside me. And man does she hurt. I believe she was out for most of the day and is still real close to the surface now.

    I'm beginning to believe because the age I was it was probably my oldest brother that first abused me. He is either 11 or 12 years older then me. So when I was 3-5 he was, I quess 14-16. My sister who is 7 years older has told me of some stuff he did to her he should not of.

    Today when that little child was out, I was crying to my mom on the phone, telling her what I believed about my brother. Here I was crying my heart out, feeling like that small child and my mother said "well that happens in lots of families."

    I could not believe she said that to me. Since my ptsd has been triggered this time I have tried not to hurt my mom. Ive been trying to deal with the stuff she caused without hurting her. My dad died when I was 13 and 10 weeks later she found a new family that didn't want me. Last 2 years of high school I lived in trailer with 2 brothers and she lived 20 miles away. Most of my known trauma was caused by her. Ive pretty much have stopped calling her this past month because I didn't want to hurt her. I want to scream and yell at her how could you choice a man over me. I needed you to help me through losing my dad. I needed her and she left me. And here I am trying to protect her and she said that to me today. omg. What is wrong with her?
     
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  3. Seeking_Nirvana

    Seeking_Nirvana I'm a VIP

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    Holly, maybe your mom didn't know the right words to say, because she was feeling your pain.

    Sometimes our parents don't do the right thing by us because they don't know any better, or are dealing with issues from their past.

    Maybe next time you talk to her see if you two can talk without crying. Maybe she will be able to help you, and think of something better to say. I know that when I've been dealing with my issues and some one complains about their problems, I have said "That's life" because I didn't know what else to say.

    Sorry you feel so bad and I hope things get better soon.

    Peace
    Tammy
     
  4. hollyberry

    hollyberry Active Member

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    I want to call my mom so bad because I feel like this small child that needs her mommy but after yesterday I know I cant. She only hurts me more. I'm wishing I had friends I could call. But ran most of them off because im too "needy" as they say. I have some close people I work with but calling them causes them more stress. Me not being at work is enough stree for them. If I loss it with hubby hes going to take me to hospital and I really don't want to go there. It really doesn't help me. They don't have a clue what ptsd is. I keep hearing things like stop living in the past. that stuff happened years ago. One time one of the counclors told me I had to go 24 hours with out crying. yea right. When I'm like this its hard to go 10 minutes without crying

    I must dream at night time but can't remember them. get up ever morning a mess.
     
  5. txmomof3

    txmomof3 Active Member

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    I can relate to where you are at right now. When my step-daughter moved in with us 4 years ago (she was 12), her age REALLY triggered me. I was already triggered by several other things and on a downslide. The tipping point was not her moving in...but her age. The first hospital I went to saw mostly chemical dependency patients. They dealt with PTSD by dosing you up on Ativan during the day and then a night "cocktail" of Haldol, Ativan, and Benadryl. I stayed 3 days and then left.

    I thought I was better...but really decompensated 3 weeks later. I did a lot of research during this time (with the help of my therapist) and found a great hospital that actually dealt with PTSD. I spent almost two weeks there and really learned alot. When I went for my intake, they did not have any beds and were going to send me to a different hospital. After my husband and I explained the situation, they "reserved" a bed for the next day and we went and stayed in a hotel that night. That hospitalization was truly invaluable to me...though I am just now recognizing and really using what I learned.

    I wish I had stayed the recommended 3 weeks and done the IOP program for 4-6 weeks. However, with 3 kids at home...this was not an option at the time. With my kids in school right now, I could do the IOP now. When I start really digging into my core issues in January, I know that the IOP will be a great safety net below me.

    I hope you have a better day today. PM me if you would like some info on this hospital...I really did not want to go, but my family knew I needed to.
     
  6. hollyberry

    hollyberry Active Member

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    well I did it, I am now on FMLA. I have 13 weeks to get my shit together and the company will hold my job till then. After 13 weeks they get to decide if I can come back. Its a real stressor that I did this 4 weeks before xmas. I called my old district manager(DM) and asked him if it would be less stress for my DM if I went out on FMLA or kept missing 3 or 4 days a week. He said taking the FMLA would be better for him.

    My boss and I have alot in common, he lost his dad when he was 10 and has said his mother acted like a damn teenager. Hes also told me his step dad abused him. He doesn't understand my ptsd. he is good to me but doesn't understand it. Well his mom died last saturday with out any warning. I feel like such a scum bag for causing him all this stress. He hasn't even buried his mom yet and he had to be in my store yesterday. I run the highest volume store in district (13 stores) Shit its 6th in the region which is 140 stores. This is really messing with my seif esteem....Only thing I had was I was a damn good manager. There was talk about me becoming a dm myself in Feburary. I HATE THIS DAMN PTSD
     
  7. logan

    logan Guest

    you didn't ratlle my cage

    you we're fine with me ok:hello:
     
  8. Seeking_Nirvana

    Seeking_Nirvana I'm a VIP

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    Holly, there are other support groups online that you can join as well as keeping up with what you need to learn here.

    Maybe if you join a depression support group, and maybe a positive thinking group on yahoo, you will have enough people to help you between all of these groups.

    I am in PTSD, ADD, and 2 dream groups, plus I moderate one of these dream groups, psychology group, paranormal group, and a positive thinking group. Not because I am needy, but because I'm want to learn about all of these things. I have found in each group that there is always some one willing to lend a hand to another in need. So I think if you feel you are needy maybe consider joining more forums and groups that pertain to your issues and it wouldn't hurt to join groups that pertain to your hobbies.

    On the ADD forum they have a section on co-morbid issues that a person can join and there are about 6 sub groups there.

    Peace
    Tammy
     
  9. hollyberry

    hollyberry Active Member

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    Thank you tammy, I'm going to try that
     
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