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Relationship My Mothers Guilt About The Abuse ...don't Know How To Help For Her

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IrisL

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So the story is quite long - I would summit up quite shortly what's happened.

So we start at my parents divorce. My mum wanted to divorce, but she is a person who hates to hurt anyone. So she had a psychological storm inside her - she had suicidal thoughts because of what she did with my dad( by the way my dad wasn't bad dad he just not exactly attention to my mum- Young marriage, but that was normal on the time)she told me the only thing let her keep away from do harm to herself was her kids my brother and me...
She got together with a person - they moved together- and that no words for his action I was several (don't remember how many times) raped me... Pulled out my bed how my brother and my stepbrother and -sister slept at the same room to he can do what ever he wanted with me- I was so scared I couldn't have a courage to make a voice is kept on how we putting together the clues of my brain with my mum from at least my 7years old me until 16...
I told to my mum when I was 19 - she reacted with a psychological block and she didn't beleive it's happened... So I left in silence. On 2013 September wrote to my dad and after a few month that letter I try to tell to my mum again - something changed in her, but not enough ... So I started my war with my mum to understand what happened (I could do that because of my partner gave me strength to I have the right to tell again and again if I want to)so most of the time when I started to have more and more flashbacks I called my mum and tell to her what I remember... Shouted with her and what's so on... I crashed her psychological block ... She moved out 2-3 months ago...
But my mum got back herself - that's how I remember of my mum when I'm really mini - she made him confessed !!! To my mum.i mean my stepdad.
And now my mum has a guilt to why he rejected what I said, why she didn't see it and how the hell could that happen when she has a good person observation.which is true.

My answer was to my mum because pedophile working by nature on people who can be used and used up and out. So that disgusting shot is used my mum vulnerability(my mum shouldn't get together with anybody after her divorce that soon for her , so they moved together and my nightmare started which been told by him is normal for me what's happening and so many times he told me my mum likes that mum likes this... I don't go on details - told to my mum these things, she asked me what I remember ... She is like my therapist.

Told to my mum I do not have any reponsibility towards my stepbrother&sister because I never ever chose them to my life and it was my mum who took that responsibility - so I told to her that's her job to tell them.
Okay we talking now quite a lot of these things too... So my mum plan when his two kids will be there my mum want to force him to confess in front of his kids, and my mum told me if he will not she will put down all of my memories on the table in front of them.
So huge plan and I think it's have to be done and even if not easy to do - is will be a mini justice to my mum which may ease her guilt.that was her idea not mine... That's how she would like to do it... But I think is a better solution then to just tell them or whatever.

Told to my mum is in a way her fault because of her sudden decision without she was strong with herself. She was blind by her sorrow she hurt somebody who she loves but she can't see her life with my dad.but to not notice?! I couldn't answer - I told her the story when he pulled me out how my brothers and sister slept at the same room as me, Howe he used every opportunity to do what ever he wants with me...obviously my refuse equaled threat,when I realised that's not okay what's happening with me...I

Now:
told to my mum I don't need her to be guilty - I need her to support me and that's f*ck head(way to gentle towards him) stole more than 20years not just from her but from my brother and I didn't have a childhood, which a base of every human establishment as a personality.

Told to her I see her how I remember of her and I really don't need her to be guilty... She told me at least somebody has to... Told her If she is guilty and feel herself guilty she will can't help to me, because she will again just rejects what's in the present.
Told her now even if I grown up I have a hurt vulnerable child inside of me which needs her mum.


I'm not sure how to help to my mum - but neither can. To myself but I don't like the fact to ... Sometimes I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't open my mouth I just should slip away and be invisible... Think maybe I done selfish things... I'm not sure I did the right thing, but I couldn't let the things how it was.

And now my mum feels guilty and no clue how I can ease that feeling for her.
I don't want her to feel bad, never was my attention ...

Feels like in the pat you for destroyed by a narcistic abuser and now if you want to say the truth you will hurt eveybody... Like he is winning.

How it's can be erased to not to feel guilty for my mum... What else shall I say to her... I need to support her, but I know that's selfish, but I didn't have a childhood and I'm totally f*cked up as a human thing, creature.


Maybe I shouldn't tell - maybe that would be better for everyone if I keep in silence?
But that's just so disagrees with me...
I beleive I did the right thing, but seems the outcome not so great for other people ...feel like I just hurt other people because I told that...

Opinion?
 
@IrisL you are not here to make your mom happy. Thats on her. She has a choice how she reacts. She did nothing aND even said you were not telling the truth in the past..... that is on her. You are important. You deserve to be heard. You deserve healing. I totally understand feeling guilt. Hell I feel like my name should be "hey there's that invisible guilty worthless shit"...those are all lies. Even though I can't believe them as lies...logically they really are. My problem is I feel responsible for how I should not ca use anyone pain because I'm not worth anyone's time. And if I cause them pain ....they will reject me....so I will not complain or say how I really feel cause at least I will feel something and know people will listen to me if I block the pain...memories...reality. ...

That is what I did. Still do at times. Actually I struggle to NOT do that. Point I'm trying to make. Try to not let the lies of you not deserving to be heard because it could hurt others. You deserve to heal for you. Heal for you. You deserve it.

I hope I said helpful things. I'm pretty f*cked up in the head today. .
but I hope is said things that speak to you. If not just know I hope you believe you deserve to heal. And if it hurts someone else that is their responsibility not yours!!!
 
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