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My Son Brian

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by Kathy, Sep 1, 2007.

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  1. Kathy

    Kathy I'm a VIP

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    This morning I was reading in the PTSD Success Stories and noticed Evie's entry about being positive and dealing with her anger and hurt over Brian's death. I am very proud of her. As a result, I felt it was time I too wrote something about my son here. It's now been close to 5 months since his death, and Jim and I have not discussed him much here. It has simply been very painful for all of us. Evie has a very open way of dealing with her pain, everyone knows how she is feeling, anger, rage, sadness or what have you, she puts it all out there. And that is good as she can't afford to keep things bottled up. However my husband and I have been more closed, though that doesn't mean we are hurting any less, or are any less angry about it.

    I find myself crying nonstop about Brian today, and feeling much sadness and guilt about his death. Intellectually I know there was nothing any of us could have done to prevent it. Brian was an adult, 35 years old, and drinking and driving often has dire consequences. However, I can't help feeling we could have done more. We knew he had PTSD, and we knew what horrible consequences could result from that, from previous experience with my brother-in-law Eric. But we felt so helpless! :crybaby: Brian would not listen to us. We could not convince him to come home or accept our help. I often advise others that they must let their PTSD sufferer go, and I wish now I could take my own advice.

    As Evie mentioned in the PTSD Success stories, thank you all for your kind words at the time of Brian's accident, we did very much appreciate it. Of course I will never recover from the death of my baby, my firstborn, however it is comforting to have such lovely people here.

    Perhaps I will lie down for a while. I am feeling quite poorly. Thank you for "listening".
     
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  3. Alienne

    Alienne Member

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    Dear Kathy,
    I just want you to know that my thoughts are with you and your family at this moment, reading about your sadness and pain due to the loss of your son, Brian. There isn´t much one can say-it´s not fair that the babies leave before the parents...but that is a sad reality sometimes.
    I´ve been in here reading a lot by now and am struck by your words of kindness and concern for everbody´s issues. Thanks Kathy, you´re a GEM.
     
  4. Damiea

    Damiea Well-Known Member

    I know there really isn't anything I can say to help you feel better... nothing but time really helps that kind of hurt. and then it never really goes away.. it just dulls some. 5 months really isn't all that long ago so I'm sure its still very fresh in your minds and hearts and the pain is very intense still.

    I do believe that when someone dies.. no matter who it is.. it was ment to happen in a way. There really is nothing you can do to prevent it if it is going to happen.. you can maybe delay it sometimes but then again by doing even that you never know if its a good thing or a bad thing. As in for instance.. how long do you leave life support on? Life and death is one of the biggest mysteries in the world.

    Have you ever heard of the "pennies from heven"? Its an old belief that when you find a penny laying on the ground.. floor.. where ever.. its from the person who has died to show you they are with you watching over you and letting you know they love you.
     
  5. She Cat

    She Cat I'm a VIP Premium Member Sponsor $100+

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    Dear Kathy,

    As you know....We all deal with death differently. We all mourn differently. I also believe that it is a very private thing if one chooses it to be. Your not speaking of it here shouldn't even come up as an issue. It has been your choice to do so. Plain and simple.....

    Kathy as a parent we try......We try what we can and the rest is up to them. Kathy if it was possible for you to be able to get within our heads even for just an hour, you would know that there is nothing that you could have done or said that could have changed anything, until Brian was ready to accept what was being offered. All of the what if's in the world can not change what is. Yet I know you will still ask yourself, What if........

    I'm also not sure that given everything that you have been through with Evie in the past with her Cancer, surgeries, her PTSD and problems, if you and Jim have even had the time to truly grieve Brian's death......Now might be a good time....

    Kathy, I am truly sorry for your loss.....As I have said many times before to others in your place...I hope to god that I never have to go through what you are now. A very selfish statement.....I know. I also don't know HOW you do go on after the loss of a child...I can't even fathom the pain and suffering you go through on a daily basis.....You and Jim are amazing people, with the strength of many.........

    I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.

    Wendy
     
  6. Jim

    Jim Well-Known Member

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    Thank you all, much appreciated. The wife and I have been grieving all along, attended grief therapy and so on. However. Some days are more difficult than others. Though she doesn't have PTSD, Kathleen was "triggered" by something today. Did bring Brian to the surface once more. She should feel a little better after a rest.

    Myself... have similar feelings of sorrow and guilt. However. Some anger as well. Would like to kick my son's arse to be honest. Stupid thing, drinking and driving. Understand it was the PTSD, but still difficult to accept. Family is left to pick up the pieces. Left a 4 year old son without a father too. Infuriates me whilst feeling sadness at the same time.

    Jim.
     
  7. Arashi

    Arashi Member

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    Kathy, as a parent as well I can only echo She-Cats statement about not being able to fathom the loss of a child, no matter how old.

    My heart goes out to you and Jim and Evie. I can only say to try to maintain perspective that although Brian was unable to accept the illness he suffered and take the outstretched hand you offered to him...at least Evie has and you know that you have done right by her and you can be proud of her accomplishments and use her success as a source of strength in regards to any seen "failure" with your son.

    Peace be with you.
     
  8. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Talking about it is the best medicine for what medicine there is available. Just thought I would reiterate that point, even though you both know it already..... trauma makes us close up, that's how most off us have PTSD in the first place; we just stopped talking about what hurt us most and what we felt.
     
  9. Nicolette

    Nicolette ♡ Supporter Admin ♡ Supporter Admin Sponsor $100+

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    Kathy and Jim please take care of yourselves and take the time to rest as you are dealing with so much.

    I hope I never have to experience such grief as there would be nothing worse than having to bury your own child.

    Like Anthony has said, please talk about your feelings and we are all hear to listen and support you in any way we can.
     
  10. Claire

    Claire Well-Known Member

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    Take care Kathy and Jim. 5 months isn't very long really and what happened was very shocking and tragic. Look after yourselves.

    Claire
     
  11. Kathy

    Kathy I'm a VIP

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    Thank you everyone for your very kind thoughts and wishes. I do very much appreciate it. Yesterday was quite difficult for me, however I had a rest and feel somewhat better. I am going to discuss Brian a bit more here from now on. I honestly did not feel ready until this point. To clarify, Jim and I have been discussing and grieving between ourselves, and we did go to grief counseling for a time. Only we have not been discussing our feelings much with anyone else, and obviously not on here.

    It is actually the contrary Wendy, Evie has helped us tremendously to discuss and grieve over Brian's death. It is not mentioned here often, as this is the area in which we "vent" about her, however Evie is a very active and important member of our family. As much as we give to her, she gives back. She is a compassionate person in her own right, an inspiration to us, and helps us in many ways. Were she not around, I believe we would be even more closed about it. Her cancer, PTSD and surgeries were around long before Brian's death, they are a given, that we simply accept as part of her life, and they in no way interfere with anything else.
     
  12. She Cat

    She Cat I'm a VIP Premium Member Sponsor $100+

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    Kathy,

    I truly didn't mean that in a negative way.....I know that Evie is a huge part of your family, and just how sweet she is. Please don't think it was a negative statement, I didn't intend it that way.
     
  13. Jim

    Jim Well-Known Member

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    Thanks again all, much appreciated. Difficult thing to lose a child. Don't blame those who said they don't want it to happen to themselves. Wouldn't wish it on anyone.

    Certainly you didn't mean it negatively Wendy. No worries please. Kathleen was simply clarifying. More for Evie's sake than anything else. Evie constantly struggles with believing she is a burden on us. May peek in here occasionally. We would hate to have her read here and feel she is to blame for our lack of dealing with Brian's death.

    Jim.
     
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