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Sufferer My Story

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Tropic Loner

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When I was 17 I was in a self defense (model mugging) class as part of my blackbelt training. In the class, I had to be under my instructor for a moment, which caused me to panic. This had happened a couple months prior in a black belt class as well, but not to the same extent. I started going to therapy thinking it must be related to some bad sex I had with my first boyfriend. I dissociated while we were having sex, and after I assumed it was because I was not bisexual as I thought I was, I thought I must have dissociated because I was gay. When I was telling my therapist my story, it also came up that my father had been verbally and emotionally abusive, I have not seen him since I was 13. She asked if he had ever abused me sexually, and I said no. But for the rest of the week I couldn't get the question out of my head. I obsessed over it. It just made so much sense. At my next session, I told my therapist about my worries, and per her suggestion I tried EMDR for the first time. Through EMDR, I remembered him standing in my room, then he pushes me over (I'm laying in bed on my side facing him when he comes in), and gets on top of me. Although nothing else came up in the emdr, this was enough to convince me that I was indeed sexually abused. Since then, I have done brainspotting around the same memory, but only to process it, and it did not lead to the recovery of other memories. I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was hospitalized for being suicidal. As time has gone on, I have had memories come up of single moments in which I am being raped, but they feel more like a dream than reality. When I was 18 I met my current boyfriend (so yeah, I guess I'm not totally gay, but I don't ever check men out, only women, and if I were to be single and dating again, I would only date women) and when we moved in together (I was 19 at this point) my life stabilized a bit - I used to sell drugs to pay off the couch I slept on. But once my life was stable, I fell apart. I had said that the sexual trauma happened, but I hadn't dealt with it, I hadn't been in a safe enough place to deal with it. It used to break me down everyday. Wake up, cry, cry cry all day, cry myself into bed, it was bad. I'm doing much better now. I still have my bad days and my melt downs, but I am doing better. I am not on any prescription medications and I am not in therapy. I have been spending the past year building myself a more pleasant (therapy sucks major dick) and more natural treatment plan. I joined a group for female victims of sexual violence, which helped me, and which also made me realize I could help other people. I moved states, so I can't attend group anymore; but, I hope that if someone here thinks that they are hopeless for hating meds and therapy, that I can help them find something else to help. I even wrote up a little list of non therapy non med treatment options if anyone wants it. Mostly what I do to stay sane now is a combination of exercise (yes, I did get that black belt!), and mindfulness. I also take a bunch of vitamins, and I have a workbook that I do on my own. At any rate, I am recovering, and I'm here to help other people recover too.
 
@Tropic Loner Welcome to the forum! :)

As you read, you will find several threads and posts where members have taken a more holistic approach to symptom management. This is a great place to exchange ideas.
 
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