I'm a 23 year old female struggling with PTSD, anxiety and depression. I'm a mom, a full time college student and I work full time. I've had PTSD for many years but it wasn't diagnosed until about a year ago, due to not completely opening up to any of my doctors.
I'd like to start with saying a large amount of my childhood memories just consist of sexual abuse. The first memory I have was laying in bed at night and my mother was working overtime and my older sister ( same father different mother ) asked if she could sleep with me which I didn't think anything of it she was my sister and I was a child I was only 7 or so. Of course I said yes and then I remember her playing with my hair and then she started rubbing my back and eventually made her way down to my private area. After that I remember nothing I've blocked the memory completely except the information i just explained.
After that it continued with her brother and i know they were also abusing my brothers and sisters ( same father different mother ) because we all knew about sex. We all knew how to please someone. I was the oldest out of the group being abused. I never told anyone because I didn't know it was wrong.
Not only was I dealing with sexual abuse as a child I also got to witness my father pushcially abusing my siblings mother on multiple occasions. I still didn't speak up I kept my mouth shut and so did my siblings. My mother didn't even know about the abuse. Once she found out she still wasn't aware that I had witnessed it. The worst part of witnessing the pushcial abuse was that my brother was there ( same mother different father ) so we were a lot closer because we lived together he was three years younger then me. I was so embarrassed because he always had a good dad he wasn't the best dad but he wasn't anything like mine. It was so embarrassing watching my brother be so afraid of my dad. I was so embarrassed til this day. I spent my childhood trying to protect my brother from my dad and sexual abuse. I still don't know til this day if anything happened to him. He wouldn't tell if it did. I just remember always looking for him if I couldn't see him I would freak out. But he's never said anything so I just assume nothing happened to him.
Now I'm going to fast forward, as we all grow up my mom made a few house moves and school changes not for any reason other then every couple years she'd get a raise more money meant we could up grade our home and live somewhere better. I loved moving so much we didn't go far we stayed in the same state but it was so exciting a new bedroom, new house, new chance.
But after all the moving we managed to not have the same people in our lives. I lost contact with all my siblings except my brother because well he lived with me lol but we will fast forward to my freshman year of high school.
I really couldn't complain about it I had great friends and I was a star basketball player already playing jv as a freshman. So I had a lot of friends but all I cared about was mt best friend he was awesome he was always there for me we'd been friends since the 7th grade one night after my basketball game he texted me and told me he was having a party at his house so I was like hell yeah I'm in but I wasn't blessed enough to have a car so I had to make the short 10 min walk to his house. Once I arrived there was no one there, I was caught of guard and I was like where's everyone at he then proceeded to tell me the cops shut it down. Which I could see because there was solo cups everywhere. And I lived in a small city so the cops let the parties slide and just told everyone to go home normally. He said he tried to call me but my phone died while I was walking so I believed him. He told me I was already there so I might as well hang out. So I figured yeah I just walked all the way here so we took turns checking Facebook and then watched tv
I remember going to the bathroom because I was on my period and I needed to change my pad I forgot to bring one I figured his mom must have had one in the bathroom so I was searching and I remember him coming to the door and asking me what I was doing I told him to hold on I'd be out in a min and I remember him trying to open the door I was was trying to keep it shut and his cat scratched my leg and he pushed the door open and I told him I wasn't doing anything and that I hadn't peed yet and I'd be out in a min and he left the bathroom but kept the door open so I closed it and used the restroom.
The next thing I remember is sitting on the couch and I remember him trying to take off my clothes and he was on top of me and I like I was laughing because I was so nervous I only have two reactions when I'm scared or nervous I either cry or laugh no control over either. But all I remember was him on top of me and me trying to keep my clothes on and the sound of my clothes ripping. The next thing I remember is him inside of me and I could feel the warmth of the fresh tears running down my face and I was looking at the ceiling and I remember telling him I'm allergic to cats and your cat scratched me so I will go into anaphylactic shock of I don't go home and take my meds. He was young and dumb and didn't know that wouldn't happen but I had to find my way out. I told him how would he explain me being dead in his house with torn clothes. He removed himself from on top of me. And said I could leave. I remember putting my clothes on.
The next thing I remember was walking down the street and it was raining and my sweat pants were torn from the pockets down the leg and my underwear were so stretched out that I could barley put them back on they wouldn't stay up and my phone was still dead luckily I found a pay phone and called a family friend whom is only maybe 13 years older then me. She came and got me.
I went to the bathroom I needed to get out of the clothes and shower and I felt so dirty and no matter how long I showered or how much soap I used I felt so dirty. I didn't go to the police or tell anyone because I only said no one time but my clothes were evidence enough. But too me I didn't want to shake anything up. I just wanted to forget which I did a pretty good job evacuate I can't remember everything about that night. He stopped talking to me and I never spoke to him. But he did proceed to tell the school that him and his friends all had sex with me that night. His friends lied with him. Ruined my reputation in school completely I was a whore and a slut.
After the rape and the molestation I felt like I was nothing more then just sex. I started having sex for attention, affection and love. I never got any of those the way I needed them. So I blocked out most of my teenage years. A lot of my friends like to come over and we drink wine and talk about all the silly things we did as teenagers but I don't remember. All I remember is the negative stuff so I just laugh and sometime form memories of things I don't remember. They know I don't so they get joy out of telling me things I've done and we laugh.
For a long time I thought maybe just maybe it wasn't rape maybe I forgot to say no maybe I was playing hard to get I was a virgin technically so maybe I was making him work hard. I kept telling myself it may have been consensual because I don't remember all of it. Until I moved back to Ohio from Florida and my friend insisted on taking me out so I got dressed up all nice and decided I was going to let loose and have fun.
I did I had a great time that night and a lot of people I went to highschool with go to that bar so it was like a highschool reunion because I knew almost every person there. Sadly, I knew almost every person. After a few hours we ran into some guys we hung out with in highschool and we were all catching up and then jokingly one of them started interdicting everyone even though we knew each other and as much as I didn't notice him standing three feet from me. He didn't notice me. He was having a different conversation facing the other direction and when our eyes met I froze and I was flooded with so many flashbacks and emotions I froze and I couldn't move I couldn't think I just stood there. And the look on his face was pure terror and that's the moment I knew it was never consent. Ever. He raped me. And he knew it. All I could do was cry I ran I ran to the bathroom I excused myself. And I ran to the bathroom and I was followed by my friends and I cried and cried and cried and there were so many people asking what's going on is she okay and I just remember one of my friends telling me not to let him have so much control but I couldn't help it. She kept telling me how he looked more afraid then I did. She forgot. She forgot what happened. She was the only one I told. She forgot or she wouldn't have taken me she apologized for weeks after.
I decided I needed to open up and get help. Because the flash backs wouldn't stop. Everything would flood back in my brain all at once and I couldn't control it and I just wanted to lay on the ground I was over powered by the images and the thoughts and I could feel his hands on me. After that it wasn't just memories of him it was memories of my childhood.
I tried to commit suicide. Yes my child was already born and she was a year and a half old. And I tried to take my life. My mother found me in her bathroom on the floor. I gave my mother temporary custody and accepted that I needed help and was admitted to the psych ward. After I was realsed I decided I would Go to school for psychology. I want to specialize in helping teens and young children through this. From anything from abuse to rape to suicidal attempts and self harm.
My life and now lived trying to learn how to live with the cards I was dealt because they all made me a stronger person. I'm an open book I will tell my story to anyone. But I always leave out names I still protect my attackers because I don't want to ruin their lives. My life was already messed up because of them I don't want to deal with them any longer.
But my life goals are to help others, protect myself from anything happening again, and to make sure none of this ever happens to my daughter. The filth I feel, the self hate, not knowing what it's like to be affectionate. I would never wish this on anyone. But I will use all of this to help me help others.
I'm still learning triggers. Somethings during sex are hard for me. I can be having a great time having sex with my boyfriend and he can do or say something and instantly I feel like I'm being raked all over again. I'm thankful he's so patient with me. But I will never forget my story and I will share with everyone. And I will help anyone who wants it. If anyone wants to talk to me. I'm an open book and I listen well. I'm full of advice. And I'm a very nice person. And I don't judge.
I'd like to start with saying a large amount of my childhood memories just consist of sexual abuse. The first memory I have was laying in bed at night and my mother was working overtime and my older sister ( same father different mother ) asked if she could sleep with me which I didn't think anything of it she was my sister and I was a child I was only 7 or so. Of course I said yes and then I remember her playing with my hair and then she started rubbing my back and eventually made her way down to my private area. After that I remember nothing I've blocked the memory completely except the information i just explained.
After that it continued with her brother and i know they were also abusing my brothers and sisters ( same father different mother ) because we all knew about sex. We all knew how to please someone. I was the oldest out of the group being abused. I never told anyone because I didn't know it was wrong.
Not only was I dealing with sexual abuse as a child I also got to witness my father pushcially abusing my siblings mother on multiple occasions. I still didn't speak up I kept my mouth shut and so did my siblings. My mother didn't even know about the abuse. Once she found out she still wasn't aware that I had witnessed it. The worst part of witnessing the pushcial abuse was that my brother was there ( same mother different father ) so we were a lot closer because we lived together he was three years younger then me. I was so embarrassed because he always had a good dad he wasn't the best dad but he wasn't anything like mine. It was so embarrassing watching my brother be so afraid of my dad. I was so embarrassed til this day. I spent my childhood trying to protect my brother from my dad and sexual abuse. I still don't know til this day if anything happened to him. He wouldn't tell if it did. I just remember always looking for him if I couldn't see him I would freak out. But he's never said anything so I just assume nothing happened to him.
Now I'm going to fast forward, as we all grow up my mom made a few house moves and school changes not for any reason other then every couple years she'd get a raise more money meant we could up grade our home and live somewhere better. I loved moving so much we didn't go far we stayed in the same state but it was so exciting a new bedroom, new house, new chance.
But after all the moving we managed to not have the same people in our lives. I lost contact with all my siblings except my brother because well he lived with me lol but we will fast forward to my freshman year of high school.
I really couldn't complain about it I had great friends and I was a star basketball player already playing jv as a freshman. So I had a lot of friends but all I cared about was mt best friend he was awesome he was always there for me we'd been friends since the 7th grade one night after my basketball game he texted me and told me he was having a party at his house so I was like hell yeah I'm in but I wasn't blessed enough to have a car so I had to make the short 10 min walk to his house. Once I arrived there was no one there, I was caught of guard and I was like where's everyone at he then proceeded to tell me the cops shut it down. Which I could see because there was solo cups everywhere. And I lived in a small city so the cops let the parties slide and just told everyone to go home normally. He said he tried to call me but my phone died while I was walking so I believed him. He told me I was already there so I might as well hang out. So I figured yeah I just walked all the way here so we took turns checking Facebook and then watched tv
I remember going to the bathroom because I was on my period and I needed to change my pad I forgot to bring one I figured his mom must have had one in the bathroom so I was searching and I remember him coming to the door and asking me what I was doing I told him to hold on I'd be out in a min and I remember him trying to open the door I was was trying to keep it shut and his cat scratched my leg and he pushed the door open and I told him I wasn't doing anything and that I hadn't peed yet and I'd be out in a min and he left the bathroom but kept the door open so I closed it and used the restroom.
The next thing I remember is sitting on the couch and I remember him trying to take off my clothes and he was on top of me and I like I was laughing because I was so nervous I only have two reactions when I'm scared or nervous I either cry or laugh no control over either. But all I remember was him on top of me and me trying to keep my clothes on and the sound of my clothes ripping. The next thing I remember is him inside of me and I could feel the warmth of the fresh tears running down my face and I was looking at the ceiling and I remember telling him I'm allergic to cats and your cat scratched me so I will go into anaphylactic shock of I don't go home and take my meds. He was young and dumb and didn't know that wouldn't happen but I had to find my way out. I told him how would he explain me being dead in his house with torn clothes. He removed himself from on top of me. And said I could leave. I remember putting my clothes on.
The next thing I remember was walking down the street and it was raining and my sweat pants were torn from the pockets down the leg and my underwear were so stretched out that I could barley put them back on they wouldn't stay up and my phone was still dead luckily I found a pay phone and called a family friend whom is only maybe 13 years older then me. She came and got me.
I went to the bathroom I needed to get out of the clothes and shower and I felt so dirty and no matter how long I showered or how much soap I used I felt so dirty. I didn't go to the police or tell anyone because I only said no one time but my clothes were evidence enough. But too me I didn't want to shake anything up. I just wanted to forget which I did a pretty good job evacuate I can't remember everything about that night. He stopped talking to me and I never spoke to him. But he did proceed to tell the school that him and his friends all had sex with me that night. His friends lied with him. Ruined my reputation in school completely I was a whore and a slut.
After the rape and the molestation I felt like I was nothing more then just sex. I started having sex for attention, affection and love. I never got any of those the way I needed them. So I blocked out most of my teenage years. A lot of my friends like to come over and we drink wine and talk about all the silly things we did as teenagers but I don't remember. All I remember is the negative stuff so I just laugh and sometime form memories of things I don't remember. They know I don't so they get joy out of telling me things I've done and we laugh.
For a long time I thought maybe just maybe it wasn't rape maybe I forgot to say no maybe I was playing hard to get I was a virgin technically so maybe I was making him work hard. I kept telling myself it may have been consensual because I don't remember all of it. Until I moved back to Ohio from Florida and my friend insisted on taking me out so I got dressed up all nice and decided I was going to let loose and have fun.
I did I had a great time that night and a lot of people I went to highschool with go to that bar so it was like a highschool reunion because I knew almost every person there. Sadly, I knew almost every person. After a few hours we ran into some guys we hung out with in highschool and we were all catching up and then jokingly one of them started interdicting everyone even though we knew each other and as much as I didn't notice him standing three feet from me. He didn't notice me. He was having a different conversation facing the other direction and when our eyes met I froze and I was flooded with so many flashbacks and emotions I froze and I couldn't move I couldn't think I just stood there. And the look on his face was pure terror and that's the moment I knew it was never consent. Ever. He raped me. And he knew it. All I could do was cry I ran I ran to the bathroom I excused myself. And I ran to the bathroom and I was followed by my friends and I cried and cried and cried and there were so many people asking what's going on is she okay and I just remember one of my friends telling me not to let him have so much control but I couldn't help it. She kept telling me how he looked more afraid then I did. She forgot. She forgot what happened. She was the only one I told. She forgot or she wouldn't have taken me she apologized for weeks after.
I decided I needed to open up and get help. Because the flash backs wouldn't stop. Everything would flood back in my brain all at once and I couldn't control it and I just wanted to lay on the ground I was over powered by the images and the thoughts and I could feel his hands on me. After that it wasn't just memories of him it was memories of my childhood.
I tried to commit suicide. Yes my child was already born and she was a year and a half old. And I tried to take my life. My mother found me in her bathroom on the floor. I gave my mother temporary custody and accepted that I needed help and was admitted to the psych ward. After I was realsed I decided I would Go to school for psychology. I want to specialize in helping teens and young children through this. From anything from abuse to rape to suicidal attempts and self harm.
My life and now lived trying to learn how to live with the cards I was dealt because they all made me a stronger person. I'm an open book I will tell my story to anyone. But I always leave out names I still protect my attackers because I don't want to ruin their lives. My life was already messed up because of them I don't want to deal with them any longer.
But my life goals are to help others, protect myself from anything happening again, and to make sure none of this ever happens to my daughter. The filth I feel, the self hate, not knowing what it's like to be affectionate. I would never wish this on anyone. But I will use all of this to help me help others.
I'm still learning triggers. Somethings during sex are hard for me. I can be having a great time having sex with my boyfriend and he can do or say something and instantly I feel like I'm being raked all over again. I'm thankful he's so patient with me. But I will never forget my story and I will share with everyone. And I will help anyone who wants it. If anyone wants to talk to me. I'm an open book and I listen well. I'm full of advice. And I'm a very nice person. And I don't judge.
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