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General My Sufferer Has Feelings Of Inferiority And Jealousy Towards Me, Help?

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Hello everyone,

My sufferer is my best friend of 10 years, our relationship so far has been purely long-distance. For context, I would like to think that I've been and extremely lucky person...I have good parents, I have been supported by them, I have made some very good friends and got many opportunities to experience things like Girl Scouts and a bit of travelling in my childhood. Meanwhile, my sufferer...well, her parents were constantly dismissive and emotionally abusive, the only person who seemed to support her in her childhood was me, she was pent up in her home 90% of the time against her will, and she never really had a proper support system or circle. Like...ever. Her friends never seemed entirely supportive...more like they were the highschool people you hung out with for the sake of hanging out with them.

As a result my sufferer experiences extreme affects of loneliness, due to the fact that me and one other person are her true friends, and we're both long distance. She has no one IMMEDIATE that she trusts, and the fact that I have friends and a boyfriend and hang out with them typically every weekend makes her feel, and I quote, "extremely inferior to me, like I can just move on without her." To be fair, she feels this way towards everyone, but since I'm her best friend, she compares herself to me the most because I'm an "example of normalcy".

This makes me feel extremely guilty for simply being out of the house and having friends. Frequently does she also text me when I'm out, expressing her feelings of loneliness. The worst part is, she's tried to make friends, she really has - she's tried to join many groups and volunteer at many places but they only made her feel more alienated, and she didn't relate to anyone in group therapy either...

I guess I'm just asking, is there anything I can do to cope with these feelings of guilt? I feel like I'm being unreasonable, but at the same time I really hate that she compares herself to me. Furthermore, is there anything I can do to help or support her?
 
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Her stuff is hers to own. You haven't done anything to feel guilty about. You can be her friend and l...

I guess so...it's just that I'm scared she'll hurt herself. She already expresses extreme distress at the fact that we have distance (even though our friendship has been long distance since the start) and has constant paranoia of abandonment. I'm just unsure what to do in this situation.
 
If she hurts herself it isn't anybody's fault but her own. You cant hold yourself responsible for her actions. Codependency isn't good for either of you guys.
 
Dear Receeding Moonlight,

You must not allow her to make you feel guilty. It's a shame that she's lonely, but that is her responsibility, not yours.

I had, HAD, a friend who was very needy and clingy. She tried to manipulate me, using complaints and guilt. Whatever I did for her, it was never enough. She was like a black hole, sucking all my time, attention, energy. She never was appreciative for the time and significant help I gave her - she always wanted more.
I finally felt totally drained, I had set aside other, very important friendships because of her great needs. In spite of everything I gave her, she still was jealous, manipulative, used guilt like a sledgehammer.
She was hurting me. I finally had to distance myself in every way. She started bad-mouthing me to everyone, so I sent her a letter, with no details, just that I loved her, and cared very much about her, but that for my own health and safety, that I couldn't be in her life anymore. I wished her well. Last month, we ran into each other, and we were glad to see each other, but after a couple of sentences, I let her see a kind but solid barrier, she respected that, and we parted ways. She's doing just fine without me.

You can always be kind and gentle, but it's time for you to stop accepting being the "bad" person that is a garbage can for her manipulative guilting. There are good reasons she doesn't have friends - she's driving them away. She really needs therapy. You can care about her, but you can't fix her or make her well.

This is the time for her to work on her own coping and social skills. Trying to rescue her by being her world isn't going to help her. She has to learn how to find the inner resources to cope with being lonely. She has to learn how to interact with people in healthy ways. You are not the one that is responsible to teach her that.

You need some good, healthy boundaries.

When you're out with your friends, you might want to turn your phone off, or at least do not respond to her texts, until you get back home. Focus on your friends, don't let her suck that time and joy from you.

I would recommend 2 very good books that can be very helpful for you in so many relationships, now and to come:
"Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life", Dr. Henry Cloud
"Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't", Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

You've already done a lot for her. You have nothing to feel guilty about, no matter how much she tries to guilt you so she can have more of you. You're a very, very good person. You're caring, sensitive, kind and compassionate - and these very, very lovely qualities are a gift to treasure, and that also make you vulnerable to exploitation. You need to learn how to detect toxic behavior and how to protect yourself. Otherwise, in life, you can pick up worse relationships than this.
It's very good that you have physical distance from her.

Have you spoken with your Mom and Dad about this, and how you feel? They might be able to help you, and to help shield you and strengthen you.

:hug: Deer
 
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Yikes. I've been there, not in the long distance sense, but in a co-dependent relationship with a sufferer. It was hell on earth. Like Deer said, no matter how much of your life you throw at them, it's never enough. It is in every way like dealing with an addict. Nobody can save them but themselves, and they'll devour anyone available in order to avoid that. They don't 'mean' to hurt people, but they do just the same. I know this because I've been on both sides of it.

As stated before, you aren't (and literally cannot be) responsible for this person's decisions. Those boundaries are hard to establish, especially once you've settled into the roles of victim/caregiver... but it must be done. There will be great wailing and gnashing of teeth, and possibly some threats. But it's either that or destroy your own life in vain to try and fill a hole in another person.

In my case I had to go with the nuclear option.. just stopped associating with that person in any way. And no sooner was I gone than he found somebody to take my place.
 
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Are you being deliberately hurtful? If not, then there really is no need for guilt. You are being as supportive as you can, but you can't put your life on hold, because that wouldn't be fair to either of you.
 
Thank you all of you for the kind words. You are right: I do need to set healthy barriers. It's just really, really hard because she's plagued by suicidal feelings and she hasn't learned any kind of life coping skills. I have an intense phobia of suicidal behavior or sudden disappearances due to past events, so it doesn't help.

There was one time in the past that I accidentally hurt her feelings and made her feel isolated without meaning to at all - I was 15 and I was stupid and I've done everything in my power to correct and appologize and never do anything like that again. She considers this event a trauma - something that made her feel inferior to other people. This is a problem because her feelings of isolation were caused by the fact that I talked and engaged with other people. This stresses me out because I don't want to purposefully hurt her, but being away from her and being with friends causes her to be triggered by her traumas. I /know/ this. Therefore when I go out with people, I am actively making the decision to trigger her. And yet, going out with people is taking care of myelf. See my problem? It's a vicious cycle and it's so aggravating because I CAN'T just dedicate myself to her constantly, that's not goddamn fair for me, but being with other people causes her to be triggered by her PTSD and I just. Do you all see my dilema? I don't WANT to hurt her. But I CAN'T be constantly catering to her in order to keep her in balance, that's not fair.

But you're all right...it,s not fair to me. Her feelings and emotions are overwhelming and have caused me to feel stressed and terrified to the point where I can,t focus properly in class. I can't let this affect my education. It's just hard to establish boundaries after I've been stupid and enabling her without knowing it for 10 years.

I love her, I truly do. But I need to focus on me before I blow up here.

Thanks for the help, all of you, it's so, so appreciated.
 
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Wow... Even though you are long distance, you can't spend time with other friends or you "trigger" he...

I just...I don't know. She's a very broken and lonely person. She doesn't have any friends that drag her out of the house. She has self esteem and self image issues. She's been constantly invalidated in the past so therefore she assumes that everyone's default response is that she's not really suffering, she's faking it, she can't have PTSD because she's not a war veteran, ETC. and it pisses me off but also it makes me want to scream. She appologizes constantly for her behavior - she KNOWS it's wrong is the thing. She's working on it. She's been getting better as of late and has started to take up costume-making. These feelings of inferiority and fear of abandonment are instinctual it appears; not voluntary. She constantly tells me she feels alienated and disconnected from the world and that no one could possibly understand, which I hear is common with people with PTSD. I just. Ugh. I hate being the target of legit all of her negative emotions. She has really no one else to turn to and I'm just sitting here like listen friend you have issues. Your problems matter but me being with other people doesn't mean you are devalued or unimportant I just. Egh.

Sorry yall if I'm practically ranting at this point. I've had 10 years worth of frustration pent up and I'm just NOW learning to gradually let those frustrations be heard by people. Cause I've always felt like other people had it worse than me, so my problems or issues paled in comparison to people who feel terrified and exhausted every day.
 
You know what though? None of that is your fault, or really your problem to fix.

Do you understand what we mean when we say codependent?
 
Our triggers are OUR responsibility. Absolutely no one else's. Ever.

You are not responsible for her triggers.
You are not responsible for her feeling lonely.
You are not responsible for her feeling inferior.
You are not responsible for her suicidal ideation.

How we choose to deal with our emotions? Also not your responsibility.

She could be learning from you.
She could be happy for you.

Instead? She is choosing to take your joys, your successes, your life... And useing them as a weapon against you (and against herself), by making it all about her & her negative thought processes. Instead of being happy for a friend she's sad for herself. Worse, she's trying (and succeeding) in making you feel bad about the healthy/happy things in your own life.

ETA... If you've ever wondered WHY battered wives apologize to their husbands, and blame themselves for being hit? I'm so sorry, I won't do that again, etc. This is why. You are not "choosing to trigger her" by living your life. It's not their fault for "making" their husband angry, and it's not your fault for "making" her (lonely, triggered, insecure, whatever).
 
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