NovemberStar
MyPTSD Pro
I've been seeing my T for a few months. I trust her more than any other T I've seen (in 20 years of therapy. I've begun to explore things I have never ever been prepared to even contemplate talking about, let alone talk about them. I've been experiencing transference issues, and am being honest about this - it is the hardest thing I've dealt with in therapy. For the past couple of weeks, my T has started to appear in the intrusive memories / images I've been having for the past few months. It's taken me days to acknowledge even to myself that she IS in them.
Has anyone else had this happen??
On one hand, I see it as a positive thing - I must trust her enough to 'place' her there. The particular memory that keeps replaying over and over in my mind, was the aftermath of something happening that left me terrified, alone, incredibly hopeless and suicidal (I was about 9 or 10 years old). Back then I definitely needed desperately, for someone kind and caring to BE there, when there was no one. I think it's quite telling that in the flashes, she wants me to re inact these aria that is causing me so much pain and fear. At one point in the memory, i put myself in my bedroom cupboard as it's the only place I feel a little bit safe. It's when I come out of the cupboard I dread reliving because it's then I feel suicidally hopeless and a huge sense of 'there is no escape and it will always be like this!!!' In my recent flashes when my T is there too, I want her to come in the cupboard with me but she won't. It's something she needs me to do alone but she will stay in the room. There's no talking or words exchanged - it's just what I KNOW.
You don't have to be a psychologist to work out what all that means!
But it's also terrifying - the past and present are so mixed up I have periods of fearing the present isn't real and any moment I will wake up and be back in that bedroom as a child. I start doubting the present is REAL
More scary - I find myself doubting my T is real - does she actually exist outside her office?? if she isn't real, then I am alone again in having to face the trauma.
It's also damn hard because going to see her each week is now fraught with fear - and thinking of her or about going to see her inbetween sessions TRIGGERS more intrusive memories.
Going to see her used to feel SAFE - now it's mixed with the past, it is at times almost unbearable. I see her this Friday and it will be the first session since I emailed her the details of how she appears in the images / memories.
I've tried googling to find anything about this but haven't found anything
Has anyone else had this happen??
On one hand, I see it as a positive thing - I must trust her enough to 'place' her there. The particular memory that keeps replaying over and over in my mind, was the aftermath of something happening that left me terrified, alone, incredibly hopeless and suicidal (I was about 9 or 10 years old). Back then I definitely needed desperately, for someone kind and caring to BE there, when there was no one. I think it's quite telling that in the flashes, she wants me to re inact these aria that is causing me so much pain and fear. At one point in the memory, i put myself in my bedroom cupboard as it's the only place I feel a little bit safe. It's when I come out of the cupboard I dread reliving because it's then I feel suicidally hopeless and a huge sense of 'there is no escape and it will always be like this!!!' In my recent flashes when my T is there too, I want her to come in the cupboard with me but she won't. It's something she needs me to do alone but she will stay in the room. There's no talking or words exchanged - it's just what I KNOW.
You don't have to be a psychologist to work out what all that means!
But it's also terrifying - the past and present are so mixed up I have periods of fearing the present isn't real and any moment I will wake up and be back in that bedroom as a child. I start doubting the present is REAL
More scary - I find myself doubting my T is real - does she actually exist outside her office?? if she isn't real, then I am alone again in having to face the trauma.
It's also damn hard because going to see her each week is now fraught with fear - and thinking of her or about going to see her inbetween sessions TRIGGERS more intrusive memories.
Going to see her used to feel SAFE - now it's mixed with the past, it is at times almost unbearable. I see her this Friday and it will be the first session since I emailed her the details of how she appears in the images / memories.
I've tried googling to find anything about this but haven't found anything