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My Way To Fight Back

  • Thread starter Deleted member 19804
  • Start date
My dog is doing much better today. I even had to calm her down, because she felt like running around and jumping up again, which she probably won't be allowed to do for a long time. I wish I could take her on long walks again, they always make her so happy. I never knew that Frenchies could love walks so much. I can easily walk her for an hour and she'll love every second of it. Once she's finally recovered, I'm sure we'll go for lots of long walks to make up for it.

I've completely given up on my assignment for tonight. I have one every 2 weeks, so not finishing it doesn't mean an automatic fail, but it does influence my final grade. I am just so tired and stressed. I'll take this week to rebuild myself. Even though I've told myself that a thousand times already.

One good thing is that I have started dating again. It's a little scary to put myself out there, but also a nice distraction from everything.
 
I've been feeling stressed and overwhelmed and it's been very hard for me to take good care of myself. I'm so glad I have my little dog, she brightens even the hardest days. Sometimes she just makes me laugh out loud with her weird faces and silly antics.

Today I'm going to try to get some more stuff done, like writing down what I want to say to my student advisor in order to convince them to let me retake this course next semester. I just bought some groceries and did my laundry.

Yesterday I started watching this show on Netflix, where a female forensic psychiatrist interviews real convicted murderers. I watched the first episode and it was very intense. I had to watch a comedy film afterwards to make me feel better. But it was very very interesting, and it reminded me why I am interested in working in the forensic field. I think I've become pretty good at reading people, which also makes me feel safer in general, because I feel more confident that I can now effectively avoid people that may be dangerous or toxic.

It's snowing today. It's not that common in the Netherlands these days, but it's a nice view. I'll have to dress my dog in her little sweater and coat when I take her for walks. Thankfully, she has no problem wearing clothes at all.
 
A few days ago I went to my student advisor to ask if I can retake my statistics course next semester, and thankfully she said yes! I barely had to explain anything at all, she was very nice about it. So I very eleborately thanked her. It was a huge relief. All I need to do is email the teacher to ask for confirmation that I'm allowed to redo this course, including all the assignments. I'm really hoping she'll tell me yes.
It's weird, because fellow students had told me that this student advisor was pretty useless at her job and not helpful at all. Maybe she was having a good day. Maybe she read my file (the university knows about my PTSD) and felt sorry for me. I don't know. Anyway, it was very good news.

Yesterday I had a kind of depressed, tired, self-hating day. Not just the PTSD thing, just general bad self-confidence. Part of it may just be a female thing, because I felt fat and ugly and many of my female friends have told me they have days like that, too :P

Thankfully, I'm feeling much better today. Less tired, less depressed, and feeling better about myself in general. My therapist is helping me build a normal day to day routine, to eliminate stress and help me set realistic goals, so I can build up from there. Today I'm going to pick up some dry erase markers for my whiteboard so I can write down my plans for each day. I'm also hoping to find some cheap work out shoes, so I can start going to the gym again.

I'm a little worried about telling my parents about my plans to retake this course next semester. They are always very kind and supportive, but I know it disappoints them. I don't think they know how much I care about their approval, and how crappy it makes me feel to disappoint them. I already hate myself plenty for the fact that my academic performance is far subpar. Though I do sometimes need to be pushed to do better, especially when my depression is getting the better of me, the added feeling of my parents' disappointment makes me feel very sad.
 
I've been reading up on signs of abusive relationships and I do think that the friend I wrote about in a thread in the Relationships subforum is in trouble. I'm seeing her this weekend and I'm hoping to get her to talk about what's going on. I'm trying to figure out the best way to talk to her, so that she can see I'm just trying to help her and I'm not judging her at all. Looking back on past relationships she's had, I feel like I should have more actively tried to help her break the cycle. She and I have been friends for about 12 years now and I just want her to be safe and happy.

My dog's back was doing better, but now her neck has started hurting again. The vet gave her a shot of opioids earlier today, so she's high as a kite now. At least she's not in as much pain anymore. I'm worried about her. She deserves to be happy and painfree. These days, she can barely make it through a 5 minute walk. A few months ago I would easily walk her for at least an hour on end. She loves being outside and I hate having to take that away from her.

I do have some good news: I got official approval to restart my Statistics course next semester, including all the graded assignments. It's a huge relief for me. I'm going to use this month to try to prepare myself by decreasing stress and increasing my energy level and attention span. I hope I'll be able to do better when the course restarts this February.
 
Looking back on past relationships she's had, I feel like I should have more actively tried to help her break the cycle. She and I have been friends for about 12 years now and I just want her to be safe and happy.

You are a very caring person and a good friend to her. I would go really slow and be very careful to be cautious with this kind of conversation that you would like to have. Is she used to you being so honest with her because she may actually think that she is doing well right now, I do not know but she is the one that has to want to get help for herself and not just vent how she feels to you, with the intention of going back to him to work on the relationship some more as these kinds of relationships are very addictive.

I think that she could probably use some good therapy but is she open to something like that yet? There are so many variables here with her. She seems to be blindly in love with this guy to putting him first over you in your friendship with her for now anyways.

I wish you the best in good luck in wanting to help her to see what is really going on yet I have tried that and only to see it backfire with the friend continually going back to her boyfriend. It is so hard to watch a good friend in this kind of situation, I know. I hope that she will listen to you.:hug:
 
@Rain thank you so much for your help with this. You are such a great friend :hug: :hug: :hug:

I did end up having a pretty good talk with her. At first she acted like all was well, but after a little digging it turned out he has been more abusive than I thought. I tried to be as supportive and open-minded as I could, and I told her that if he ends up truly making her happy then I'm all for it. But after hearing example after example of the horrible emotional abuse he puts her through, I felt that I had to be really honest with her. I told her that I really hoped that I was wrong, but that what he's doing to her is abuse and it is not okay and I'm very worried about her. But I also said that I'm always here for her, no matter what she decides. I mean that just as much. I just really hope she gets away from that creep soon.
I sent her an article that was suggested to me. She thanked me, but we haven't spoken since. I'm hoping to see her soon, just to hang out, so that she knows that we can still do that too.


Recently, I realised that I need to do something about my fear for the male that raped me ("my rapist" sounds too much like I have something to do with him, so I'm choosing to describe him differently). Whenever I go to a party with a guest list, I check the whole thing to make sure he isn't on it. Even if I have no reason to believe he would be anywhere near the event. I still avoid the city where I was raped whenever possible, and when I am there I feel very uncomfortable and hypervigilant. I'm always checking my surroundings to make sure he's not there and that no other male around me is going to try to hurt me.

I've long finished my EMDR and I've recently been told by my doctor that I can soon start phasing out of my antidepressants. So it's all going in the right direction, I just don't feel very confident that I'll be okay yet. I am still in therapy, but it's not been very helpful so far.

I guess I'm afraid to do things alone. I'm worried that the PTSD symptoms will get worse again and it'll ruin everything. And I HATE that I'm still so afraid of the rapist. How on earth am I supposed to get over that?
 
And I HATE that I'm still so afraid of the rapist. How on earth am I supposed to get over that?

Hi, I do not think that this is something that you can get over because of the kind of betrayal and violation it is. I think it is something you have to work thru. I think it will take empowerment of you to become greater than the fear. I think taking the steps that you are is very good though. I think that maybe you need more therapy to work through the fear alone. I am terrified of so many things and I can trace my fear back to the abuses that occurred to me.

I would talk to your therapist and let them know how great your fear and terror is still:hug:
 
Hi, I do not think that this is something that you can get over because of the kind of betrayal and violat...

That makes a lot of sense, Rain. I have mentioned it to my T and she advised me to visualize how I could best react if I ever run into him again. It helps a little, but I think that you're right in that the pain he caused won't go away just like that. Thank you for sharing your experience with me :hug: :hug:

I feel silly for saying this, but I feel like I haven't really worked through the emotional side of my trauma. I'm not good at that stuff. I prefer to think and find comfort in understanding things. But I guess that represses my emotions a little bit. Perhaps I should find a way to work through that part.
 
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