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Need More Tools

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Hell, yes.

In 2 parts.

1... When I'm doing badly, I honestly forget my coping skills. I cannot remember what works, and what doesn't. I know they're out there, but it's durn near impossible for me to remember what they are, much less how to apply them. It's like reinventing the wheel.

2... It feels like there should be "more" out there, somehow. What's even worse than forgetting what to do is the idea that there isn't anything left to do. That I'm already doing everything. It makes my head hurt, because that can't be right. There has to be something I'm missing, or forgetting, or haven't found, yet. Still trying to process that one. <grin> And still trying to find more! But perhaps refine is what needs to happen. I'm not sure. It's an evolving thing: knowledge & application.
 
I feel this way too. I have gotten my sleep mostly regulated. I am going out and about, not without it being painful, but I'm doing it every day. I just don't know how to feel good about myself, and I have no tools for this. I just feel worthless. Sometimes I feel less worthless and sometimes I feel a little more worthy, but I don't know how to not loathe myself at all. I don't know how to teach myself how to not loathe myself. I guess this will be the next topic of discussion in therapy. I'm also frustrated because I started therapy in March, and am grateful for the help, but to be honest, it isn't enough, not by a longshot.
I'm tired. The scenery is changing, but not quickly enough, and it's still ugly.
 
Okay this was from the sparkpeople website, these are not my words but this is similar in tone to the safe place work I'm used to...

To begin sit down or lie down in a comfortable position. Gently close your eyes and keep them closed lightly. Focus your attention on any tension in your body. Start releasing any tension from your toes to your scalp with each exhale of your deep slow breathing. Allow your breath to gradually slow down. While slowing your breath being to picture in your minds eye your safe place. The place you feel most secure, calm, and happy. Notice what first comes to your mind. Is it a secluded beach or forest? Is it a mountain or a beautiful valley? What type of place does your mind choose as a safe place?
If it's a beach what do the waves look and sound like? Is the water crystal clear or a deep blue? Is there a soft breeze blowing through your hair, sprinkling light ocean mist on your face? Do you taste the ocean salt on your tounge? Are there any seabirds overhead? Listen to the birds chirping and singing.
Allow yourself to feel the ground beneath your feet. Is it dirt, sand, or rock? What does the ground feel like beneath your feet and notice if it's warm or cool on your toes and heels. Are there any trees providing shade on your beach? Now find somewhere in your safe place to lie down or sit, whether in the sun or under the shade of a tree. Notice the warm earth beneath your body. Allow that warmth to relax you even further and increase your feeling of safety during this meditation. Feel the weight of your body on the earth and allow gravity to help release your remaining tension into the ground. Imagine the tension being washed away with each wave that laps on the shore or washed down and away in a running river or babbling brook.
Look at the sky. Is the sun shining bright with lots of warmth? Is the sky clear and blue? Feel the warmth of the sun relaxing your body, mind, and soul. Allow the sun to fill you with a sense of peace and calm from the tips of your toes to the top of your head. Become a part of your safe place becoming more rested, relaxed, calm, and at peace. Find your inner light at this time and let it shine out for everyone to see.
Now, when you are ready, come back to this reality and this room from your safe place knowing you can return to that place at anytime you need and want. When you are ready open your eyes but stay in your relaxed position. Continue your relaxed, smooth breathing. Take a few minutes to experience and enjoy your calming and relaxing guided meditation. Remember, whenever you need your safe place it is there.
 
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https://litemind.com/mental-sanctuary/ I like the addition of many rooms in this. My safe places always had hidden sleeping spaces, then big sunshine filled rooms for doing artwork. My safe place in the beginning could only be reached with a boat as it was a tiny island, then later it was a glass sided house in the deep forest. For awhile It was a house on a boat. I changed them as my needs for safety changed. I would always draw them though, and sometimes my therapist had me label certain areas.

This is a soothing guided imagery for creating a safe place.
 
When I first started therapy my T had me focus on creating a safe place in my house. She asked me what felt good and what I would like to change, then encouraged me to change it. Over the course of a few months I bought a new wardrobe, painted some furniture and added some furnishings. Doing that helped me claim the space as mine and changed my feelings towards it. It's hard to explain why it worked but it did.
 
Always looking for more tools. I think the worst is when I feel really frozen or shut down, I have an incredibly hard time accessing ANYTHING. I'm noticing that sounds and sound vibrations help in those situations (so like a little instrument or headphones with bells or simple sounds). I'm playing around with that lately.

Walking helps all the time, even when I don't notice it as feeling particularly good. It's something I can do to feel that I'm not trapped.

I'm trying to do loving kindness meditation. It's very hard for me to internalize good feelings. It's like scratching a chalk board...like good doesn't feel "good." If that makes any sense. So tiny bites. Sound helps for now because it is something that feels good that I can internalize, and it's totally nervous-system-related and not connected to my having to change thoughts or beliefs...just let my body feel something better. For me I guess that's a big thing because I'm stuck with very bad body feelings often...earlier traumas probably not connected to cognitive stuff I can work with, but stuff of very basic regulation.

Artwork or anything that absorbs my attention is often helpful when I'm not feeling frozen but sort of a scattered mess. Finding that internal quiet and organized core seems very challenging overall. I can't totally describe it, but I typically exist in a space outside my body. Music is one thing that I can hear outside but also feel inside my body. Sounds in nature help me feel connected too. And sometimes other sensations, like warm water or hugging a pet.
 
@Tanishq on amazon you can search for EMDR Therapy session, EMDR Music therapy, EMDR and Guided meditation audio albums. Some of the tracks you can also find on YouTube for free. They help with creating safe space and calming down. I find them working better if I first do them when I'm relatively calm. Also practicing them often helps. You might feel tired or exhausted after listening to one track and that is normal.
 
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