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General Need Some Advice On How To Handle Close Friend With Ptsd

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technigirl

Hi all, I'm new here, and I hope I'm posting in the right place. I am just looking for some advice on how to handle a good friend of mine who has PTSD, who has recently shut me out.

I've been friends with this person for about a year, we became friends because we worked together for a while last year. We live in different cities but he's traveled here several times for work, so we have spent a fair amount of in-person time together. I've known about his PTSD from the start, as he was quite open about telling me he had it, but I didn't quite realize the ramifications of it before I became close with him. An important point is that his PTSD is untreated - he has meds but doesn't take them, and is currently not doing any therapy. Over time I experienced how moody he can be, he even cussed me out on occasion, but usually came back and we would be friends again. He never really seemed to apologize though. He's quite bossy and nitpicky, seems a little OCD, doesn't like it if you look at him for too long and sometimes doesn't like to be touched either. It all depends on the mood. BTW this is combat PTSD with perhaps a bit of childhood trauma thrown in, as he grew up in Baghdad with Tomahawks flying overhead. Sometimes he can be very nice and helpful and fun to be with, but other times he's a total a**hole. The reason I have stayed friends with him is that I could see that he's a good person under all of that, a broken person maybe, but a good one. I tried to forgive the a**holery and be understanding of the PTSD. I should also mention that I'm female, so there's that aspect thrown in. I don't think he wanted a relationship with me but he sometimes flirted with me and a couple times tried to kiss me, so there could be some attraction there. I'm just throwing that out there, not sure it's relevant or not.

Now, to the most recent happenings. He lives in a beach city and a few weeks ago I took a weeklong vacation out there and stayed with him (he invited me). There were a couple of times during the trip that he got into a mood and we got a little irritated at each other, but overall I had fun, thought he seemed to as well, and the trip went well. When I left we hugged said see you soon, he said I could come back anytime. The problems started when I got back. I noticed right away that he didn't seem to want to talk to me. When I tried to initiate chat via IM or FB, I would get either no response or a jerky one. When that happened, I would give him a couple of days then try again. This went on for about a week. Finally, one day he said some nasty things, told me to stop talking to him, and then blocked me on FB and at work. That was 2 weeks ago and we haven't spoken or chatted since. He did tell a mutual friend of ours that he "needs space", whatever that means. Would have been nice for him to tell me directly. At this point I figure the friendship is over, but I wonder if I should reach out at all? Would sending an email be helpful or unproductive in this situation? Nothing too emotional, just to say "hey, I noticed you havent wanted to talk to me for some reason, I still care and I'm here if you ever want to talk again."? Should I do something, or just write this one off as a hard lesson?
 
Would sending an email be helpful or unproductive in this situation? Nothing too emotional, just to say "hey, I noticed you havent wanted to talk to me for some reason, I still care and I'm here if you ever want to talk again."?
I have to ask, do you really still care or is it possible something else is going on? I ask because I notice in your descriptions of your friend that the negative outweighs the positive significantly. I also notice you are putting up with a lot of bad treatment from him, and wonder why. Is it possible you feel you don't deserve better? This is what I would invite you to look at. I'm sorry but I can't see a good outcome to a relationship like this. He has already shown, in your own words, what an a**hole he can be, and if he is not willing to work on himself, this is not going to change.

People with PTSD do sometimes isolate, it's part of the nature of the beast unfortunately. If that were all he was doing that worried you, I'd say yes, let him know you are still there and care, and wait for him to come back. But that's not what I see in your post. I think you need to look at why you are willing to put up with being treated this way. No one deserves that. I wonder whether working with a therapist could help you get clearer on what value you see in continuing a relationship with a person who treats you so badly.

You may also find a lot of posts in the Supporters forum from people with similar issues. I hope there is some help for you there.
 
he even cussed me out on occasion,
He never really seemed to apologize though. He's quite bossy and nitpicky
perhaps a bit of childhood trauma thrown in, as he grew up in Baghdad with Tomahawks flying overhead.
Not sure if you can imagine, but I would say having Tomahawks flying overhead as a kid is not a BIT of trauma.
I tried to forgive the a**holery and be understanding of the PTSD.
PTSD doesn't make assholes, people do. Sorry, I don't buy it is the PTSD.
I would get either no response or a jerky one.
Finally, one day he said some nasty things, told me to stop talking to him, and then blocked me on FB and at work.
He did tell a mutual friend of ours that he "needs space", whatever that means. Would have been nice for him to tell me directly.
He did tell you to stop talking to you before he told his friend that he needs space. Not sure why you didn't notice that he did tell you directly.
but I wonder if I should reach out at all?
Absolutely not. He has asked you to stop contacting him. PTSD or not, when someone says don't talk to me, that means don't talk to them.

I have to ask why you want to continue talking to someone who acts like an 'asshole', who 'cusses you out', who is 'bossy' and 'nitpicky', gives' jerky responses', is 'dismissive' and is 'nasty'. That is a whole lot of negatives. I don't know of many friends who treat others like this. Is friendship actually an appropriate word for this relationship?
 
Hmm OK, thank you all for the good responses. I guess I was attributing the jerky behavior to PTSD. It's my first experience with someone that has it, so I didn't know what to expect. If this isn't considered "normal" even for someone with PTSD, then for sure I'm better off not contacting him and not being friends with him. I don't normally put up with that sort of behavior from people, I guess I was cutting him some slack with all of his issues. Too much slack, apparently! I'm pretty sure he will come back at some point and try to make contact, not sure what I will do then. Ignore or keep at arm's length I guess.

Thanks again, these responses were very helpful!
 
Welcome to the board, Technigirl! :) I saw your post this morning and started to reply, but never hit submit because I thought for sure some better and wiser people would jump in, but it must be slow here today and I hate to leave you hanging with no responses for so long.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but it is all very "normal" for a PTSD relationship - you are not alone, and you didn't do anything wrong. The short answer is that when someone with PTSD just has too much going on, there is a good chance that they will isolate in an attempt to get their head settled again. This could take anywhere from a few days to a few months. It is important to give them space while simultaneously letting them know that you are still there and willing to talk. A short email every few days or once a week just to remind him that you're still around could go a long way to lessening, or at least not adding to, his stress.

This is the simplest way to understand PTSD. Once you see it, it will change your outlook completely.
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/#post-173963

When you write, be nonchalant and supportive. I wouldn't ask him right now what the heck is going on or try to get to the bottom of things like you might with someone who does not have PTSD. His anxiety has taken over and he probably isn't making the same decisions that he would on a "good" day. I highly doubt he will understand or appreciate your attempt to "fix" things at this moment. I've tried to do that before, when I was winging it, and just ended up digging myself a bigger hole every time I wrote him. Your words will either fall on deaf ears or he will spin them into something you never meant to convey. Wait until he is calm and back out of his shell before considering talking about this situation and his behavior.

What exactly set your friend off in this instance, there is really no way of knowing, unless he is comfortable enough to tell you if/when he comes around again.

You sound like a wonderful and supportive friend and don't seem too tore up about this. Not that you aren't angry or hurt, but it doesn't sound like it's breaking your heart, which is good for you. We have enough sniveling supporters around here, I myself was one of them when I finally reached my wits end and came here for some guidance. LOL

You've clearly learned a lot about the effects of PTSD over the year by hanging out with your friend. Start reading these threads and you will find a huge wealth of information and will learn that there are a ton of other things like the way he acts and the little things he does, that you have probably written off as just being his own unique personality quirks, that are actually common amongst those with PTSD. i was shocked at how many nuances my veteran has that are actually symptoms and not just part of the personality he was born with.

As for him not apologizing, I understand that, too. My vet doesn't apologize, however, he is apologetic. It took me a little while to figure out that, for whatever reason, he just can't seem to say the words, "I'm sorry." Problem is, I like/d hearing them if I feel/felt someone did me wrong. I always apologize if I am in the wrong, so it took a few instances for me to decide that when he is apologetic, that is his way of apologizing. Just like so many PTSD sufferers (not all, of course) around here will tell you that they dislike the word "love." It's up to the pair involved to figure out how to express their feelings, whatever the relationship status, in a way that leaves both feeling satisfied. So, after your friend is rude, bossy, or cusses you out, does he acknowledge his wrong doing in some way or just sweep it under the rug and forget about it? Because if it were me, I wouldn't stand for the latter and I think you deserve better than him pretending it never happened. PTSD should not be an excuse to behave that way. They still know the difference between right and wrong, even if it is hard to control themselves at times.
 
Peach, Thanks so much for your reply, and for the link - that is truly eye-opening! My friend has actually on occasion apologized to me, but sometimes he just seems to want to move on and refuses to talk about whatever happened. I suspect this time, when/if he comes back, he will act as if nothing happened. If I don't seem too broken up, well...I was when it first happened. For the first couple of days, I was very upset. It's been 2 weeks now though and I've gained some perspective and pulled myself together for the most part. Looking back, I can see where I pushed him a little when perhaps I shouldn't have...that said, I still don't think I deserved to be completely blocked out. The reason I didn't back off was that he acting distant in a jerky way, and I was angry about that. Maybe I shouldn't have pushed it, but I feel that I have a right to my emotions too, a right to be angry and question the jerky behavior.

Since he really doesn't seem to want to hear from me right now, I'm just leaving him alone - no emails or texts or anything. I did think about sending him a card...as in, a snail mail card lol. I thought that type of card, with just a short "thinking of you" message with no mention of feelings or what happened, might be a low pressure way to let him know I'm still here. But I'm holding off on that for now too. I feel like I'll just be setting myself up for more rejection if I do anything.

It's good to know that a lot of this is normal for PTSD sufferers though, and also thank you so much for telling me it's not me. At first, I was convinced I was at fault, but I'm realizing more and more that I'm not.
 
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That's so odd, what happened to this thread. As I implied in my first post, when I replied 12 hours later none of those previous responses were showing up for me. I'm glad there were people talking to you after all! :)

@shimmerz and @sun seeker picked up on a lot of the negative attributes you talked about. And I agree with them, after breaking it all down like that. I guess it really just depends on how rude and hurtful he really is and how honest your post was. Not that you were lying at all, but maybe your frustration at that point made it difficult to think of him in a good light and that came across in the post. It is really up to you to decide if he is worth your time and energy or if you're better off without him.

We all push a little too hard sometimes. Even when we do and they have a reaction, it isn't automatically a bad thing and, again, no ones fault. Any relationship is a two way street, you have needs and questions, and they must be asked in order for you to make an informed decision about what to do with yourself and your life. Just because he may have triggered because of something you said, doesn't mean you shouldn't have brought it up it in the first place. You don't have a crystal ball that can tell you when it is safe to broach certain topics - if you did and could sell them, you'd be a billionaire! So when he gets his head back together, he needs to be mature enough to not blame you for his issues. You have feelings and emotions and you need to listen to them. He can't dictate everything just because he has a mental illness. You can learn a lot here, already have, so if and when you two start speaking again, you may have a more sensitive meter for when to ease up and when it's probably okay to press harder.

It's always a mine field. Sometimes you can see the explosives and step around them and sometimes you'll trample right on top of one.:whistling::banghead:

Last time my army vet had gone dark, we were in the midst of a ... relationship status disagreement, I'll call it.:cautious: We were still talking, but it was short and impersonal and not really close to being resolved. So, I thought I'd send him a small package in the mail with a few small presents I had already bought him before our blowup. He lives in the UK and the last shipment I had gotten from him took 2 weeks to get to me. I mailed his box, thinking we were almost out of the woods and in 2 weeks time we'd have it all worked out and he'd get a nice gift. Imagine my surprise when the darn thing shows up at his door in only 1 week and we were just beginning to make some real headway! So I got the "you really shouldn't do this for me...don't waste your money...you can do better than me" etc. I made a joke about thinking it would butter him up and by jove, I think it did! Had it arrived a few days earlier, doom! But we had just rounded the communication corner so all was well. If you can't win someone over with a huge bag of peanut butter M&Ms then there is simply nothing you can do.;)
 
Re-reading my post, I think my frustration definitely comes out. My friend can definitely be all of those things at times - an asshole, nitpicky, etc. But he also has good qualities, for example, he is always ready to help you with anything that you need (assuming he is not isolating himself from you at the time :P). He has listened to a lot of my junk and let me vent, while trying to give me good advice. I wouldn't have been friends with him in the first place if he was 100% terrible. That said, I am still trying to decide if the good does outweigh the bad. I care about him but I'm not sure how much I can take. Perhaps against my better judgement, I did send him a short email today. It simply said: "I saw a couple of fancy sports cars yesterday and thought of you lol. I hope you are doing well. I’m here if you ever feel like talking. xoxo Melissa". (He is big into cars thus the mention of them). I expect that I will get absolutely no response to it, but I felt I had to do it for a couple of reasons: 1) Things were left on a nasty note last time we interacted, and I hate that. So this is partly for my own peace of mind, even if I never speak to him again. 2) If he's in some kind of PTSD funk, I wanted him to know that someone cares, without applying any pressure. And maybe, he won't give a foof that anyone cares. I don't know. I hope I did the right thing, but if not, well, I don't think it will change anything anyways.
 
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