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Need Some Advice Regarding Reactions

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by superd, Oct 10, 2006.

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  1. superd

    superd Member

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    Hey everyone,

    As I've written before, my wife is PTSD and is currently seeing a therpist and has been for several years now. However, they have just really gotten into the heart of things a few months ago. My wife has always had multiple health "problems", the garden variety, if you will, of symptoms that seem to accompany untreated PTSD. So she is seeing her therapist, and the symptoms have gotten better (especially the headaches), but the problem, from my perspective, is this. She still gets "sick" the morning of appointments sometimes. This morning she woke up and had a stomach ache, and her appointment is after lunch. If I were a betting man, I'd put all the money in the bank betting she isn't going to that appointment. The therapist charges you if you fail to cancel 24 hours in advance, so that's another $85 gone. I'd say that my wife misses every third appointment, so that's several hundred a month wasted.

    In the past, I would angrily confront my wife over this and demand that she "work through" her "illness" of the day to get to the appointment. That approach has done nothing but start fights of epic proportions...with the money still wasted. I find myself getting angrier and angrier as this pattern goes on (we are to the point now where her PTSD MUST be dealt with or our marriage will not survive, as I have told her, which started the ball rolling a few months ago). So she tells me she has a stomach ache this morning and I feel the anger rising...wow, what a coincidence! :doh: So I ask her what time her appointment is today and she immediately gets defensive..."why?" she asks. "I'm just asking, I say". "One" she says. I say, Do you think you might need me to bring you to your appointment today?" Angry sigh..."I don't know". She rolls over away from me. "Are you leaving?", she says. "Yes", I say. "Bye". She says. I give her a big hug and tell her I love her, and I try as hard as I can to show affection, but she's on the defensive now, and it doesn't matter.

    This has happened over and over...sometimes my anger gets the best of me and we fight...but I think I am finally learning that fighting over this isn't going to change things...part of me wants to support her lovingly and say thats all rght, don't worry about the money, just go when you can, at least you are going sometimes...while another says f**k that, you've been putting up with this shit for almost five years now, how much of YOUR money has been pissed away on crap like this? How dare she require you to understand and say nothing...she's lucky you don't leave her right here and now!!!! GET UP AND GO TO THE DAMN THERAPIST, STOMACH ACHE OR NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    This is how it's going to be, according to her. This will be done on her time, not mine, her schedule, not mine. Do I just accept it, and go to work? Are there any other options here I am missing?
     
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  3. Boo-Damphir

    Boo-Damphir Active Member

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    Hi Superd, I just wanted to pop in with my few pennies worth. Is your wife seeing her therapist for Depression? How long has she been going? Is she on (and taking) any meds?
     
  4. superd

    superd Member

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    She has been on anti-depressants since 1999. She's currently taking Lexapro, and says she likes it. Her therapist says she has GAD.
     
  5. Kims_Man

    Kims_Man Active Member

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    Superd, I can so relate to the whole "open your mouth and start WWIII" thing. It is especially true if I'm pointing something out that she did that upset me. God forbid I get upset at her. She has PTSD, remember? Can't I be more understanding and tolerant?

    As for getting her to therapy, maybe it's the therapist him/herself that your wife is avoiding? Any possibility of changing? Or getting her into a group therapy setting?

    I don't know, just thoughts. Hang in there, dude. We're all here for you.
     
  6. Kims_Man

    Kims_Man Active Member

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    Oops, accidentally posted the same message twice. But it won't let me delete the second post, so I'm editing it to this. Have a good day!
     
  7. Kells

    Kells Active Member

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    Wow, I can see why you're frustrated. Speaking from the standpoint of having PTSD myself, I can understand stomach aches all too well. However, I can see your side of it too, that the stomach aches will get better as she gets the therapy she needs to lessen the anxiety causing the stomach aches to begin with... And, that IS an awful lot of money to be losing to frequent missed appointments due to last minute cancellations.


    I honestly can't think of much to suggest, as I would honestly feel the same way you do. I would also feel like the stomach ache thing has become an excuse to not go when she doesn't feel like going. Although, objectively, I can see where there would be times where she would have legitimate stomach problems where she literally can't go - Please forgive me if you've already tried this, but perhaps have a sit down talk with her explaining that you understand that there will be times where she doesn't feel up to going anywhere, but that you really do need a little advanced notice so arrangements can be made to where you don't lose so much money due to the frequent last minute cancellations. But do remind her gently that she will indeed feel better (less stomach irritation included) if she commits to the therapy designed to help her get past the anxiety that's causing her stomach problems to begin with? Again, please forgive me if you've already tried this approach, I'm just kind of tossing an idea out there that would help me to get back on track if I slipped into the same predicament she's currently in.


    Ah, you're in a tough spot. I'm sorry I couldn't offer up more. I do still admire all of you, all of the spouses who are so lovingly committed to helping your loved one get the help they need. If I could offer up one piece of advice to all of you it would be this. Remember to take care of yourselves too. Also, remember that PTSD is not an excuse for any kind of abuse, if anyone is suffering abuse, you are not obligated to stay and tolerate such behavior. I give that advice not because I think any of you are being abused, but because I have seen many suffer abuse at the hands of the PTSD sufferer and mistakenly think that they are obligated to stay because their loved one suffers from PTSD and they would feel like they weren't fully honoring their vows if they left such a volatile environment.


    My heart goes out to all of you, and although I can't speak for everyone who has PTSD, I'm sure I'm speaking for most when I again extend my sincerest thank you for sticking through stuff that most would probably run from.
    Much love,
    Kells
     
  8. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    What you go through and the stress of the appointment may be bringing on stomache upset. That is a very common stress problem. Knowing what you have to go chat about is stressful.

    And the rolling over with angry sigh. Uh, that is just a female trait in general. Haven't you guys figured out we expect you to mind read? Really though, it is hard to say yes, I feel like crap and I would like for you to take the time out to drive me and I need you. Sometimes we need it. We know what we are going to feel like coming out of there. Sometimes going or coming home and having to drive is a lot more than we are willing/capable to do. My husband still takes off 90% of the time or more to drive me. It is more costly him doing that than me missing my appointment too. He knows if he is there to take me there I don't miss it. He tries to tell me it is fine, other times it is obvious he is annoyed and I feel plenty guilty and that makes it impossible to ask for help when I think I may be made to feel even worse. When he could not take me I made myself go.

    Sometimes I just get upset at him leaving for work, though rationally I know he has to go, I just need his presence it seems. Don't want to talk to him, just have him around.
     
  9. YoungAndAngry

    YoungAndAngry Well-Known Member

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    I'm probally a little less understanding when it comes to wasting money.
    I can understand stomach sickness (as I still battle this daily) but I have found ways to deal with it when I need to.
    My therapist is government funded, so I don't pay, but the way I see it... I don't have very many commitments, so no matter how I feel, I force myself to go. I want to get better, and sitting home on my ass isn't going to help me.

    My advice would be to give her some "Tums" (or other anti-heartburn tablets/remedy) and make sure she goes to her appointments.

    If the stomach aches are that bad that she can't make her appointment, ensure she mentions this to her doctors, to rule out the possibility of actual stomach promblems, and get her concentrated on getting better.
     
  10. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

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    Veiled says
    Sometimes I just get upset at him leaving for work, though rationally I know he has to go, I just need his presence it seems. Don't want to talk to him, just have him around.


    My husband says this as well he just needs to be near me! When I was working elsewhere before I bought my business he would come in to work and hang around I would ask what was wrong he would say he just needed to be with me.
    He had his first counselling today which is the lead up to the PTSD clinic and he went no problems he is a bit drained tonight but at least he went.
    Jen
     
  11. jods

    jods Well-Known Member

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    Hi Jen

    Great news that hubby went to the appt!!!!! It's going to be hard for both of you but hopefully worth it. Please promise me that you will look after yourself while hubby goes through this because you need time to for you too.
    Hope you have a nice anniversary (is it this week?)
     
  12. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

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    Hi Jods anniversary is next Tuesday I said to hubby tonight dont stress over getting anything for it ( which he was starting to do ) we will go out for dinner one night when he feels like it.
    It sounds like your hubby talks to you about his feelings which is a good thing mine wont talk about feelings at all.
    You sound like you are supporting him pretty well as long as he appreciates it.
    Jen
     
  13. Boo-Damphir

    Boo-Damphir Active Member

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    Superd,
    What is GAD? (there are so many acronyms around)

    You probably already know this, but depression often has phsical symptoms (headache, stomach ache, etc.) It's called a psychosomatic illness which is a word I hate because it sounds like you are insinuating it's all in the head. But it actually refers to the way the psychological is tied to the physical body.
    What to do? That's tough, you know your wife better than I do. But from personal experience, when my depression gets to the point where I'm immobilized (cancel appointments, etc.) I need a giant shove to get my ass out of the house and on to my appointments. My husband (xoxo!) will ask me, "Do you need me to take you to the hospital?" or "Do you need me to check you into an inpatient psych unit?" And I know he's prepared to do it, even if it means calling for an ambulance.

    When he says this it makes my blood run cold with fear. Going there means I'll give up control, they'll try different meds on me, etc...
    It gets my butt in gear every time!

    You might try a push or shove like that. It's so horribly sad to say but ultimately she is the only one who can make herself better. That's another aspect of Depression that keeps me motivated - the high percentage of relationships that don't make it. I can't imagine life without my husband, and I know he's human and can only take so much... I do things I don't have the energy for out of fear of losing him too. Whatever it takes, whatever works - as long as the outcome is a healthier person - that's the goal.
     
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