• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Dom Violence Needing Help Because He Tells Me It's My Fault

Status
Not open for further replies.
Trust me. I know how I sound. I do. Irrational and stupid for staying despite all the odds being against me. I need to leave. I know this. Part of me staying is the love I have for him. That look in his eyes when he is sorry. The fact that I somehow became dependent on him financially. The promises he made if I did let him. And I am silly enough to hold onto the memories of when we were happy. It feels like a dream now. And I know what I need to do. It's just really hard to let go.
 
It really hard to let go. :hug:

I don't think you sound irrational or stupid. You sound traumatized. That is quite different than irrational or stupid. You have been surviving this the best you can. It's not silly to remember the good times. That's normal.

I think you may just be strong enough to let go. You are already had to strength to connect with your friend and send her photos and to reach out to folks around you and here online for help and advice.

It is so hard to let go and it's a process that none of us should have to go through alone. But things can get better. In time, things will be much different - better than they have even been in the past, if you make changes. You deserve so much better than what has happened.

You can do this and get through the horrible pain of letting go. You know what you need to do - so what is your next step? Try not to get overwhelmed by figuring out everything right in this moment, but just think through what your next step is going to be.
 
@Ambs, it gives me hope that you can see that you were once a happy person full of life, that you know there is a difference. However, the longer you stay, the further away that will feel, until there will be nothing left. Yes, finding that person who you once were is a long, hard road, but it is worth it, you are worth it. And the sooner you get out, the sooner you will be able to see that person fully in the mirror again.

Can you use the holidays as an excuse to get out? If he's not at work today, maybe you can pack a bag, have someone pick you up, and say your plans changed for the holidays? (And then go somewhere where he can't find you?) Also, do you have any pets? If so, arrange for them to go somewhere else as well, so they are safe, too.

You know what you need to do. You just need to believe in *yourself* enough to go do it. We believe in you, even if you don't so much right now. You can do this. You are worth this. :hug:
 
Everyone else has been doing a really good job of saying what I would have said on most of this. I've just got two things to add.

He is an army vet with PTSD.
You mention the PTSD a few times. I feel the need to stress: this situation is not about his condition. This is about the fact that he is violent, unable to control himself, fueling the problem with alcohol, and unwilling to seek help or take responsibility. PTSD does not condemn someone to becoming an abuser. He has the same responsibility to maintain control of himself and prevent himself from doing physical harm to others as everyone else, arguably more-so. Further, he is hiding from responsibility for his unacceptable actions behind his diagnosis. This indicates even more strongly that he is not ready to begin healing and that nothing is going to change. Because he feels justified it will likely escalate instead as you've been seeing.

And I am silly enough to hold onto the memories of when we were happy. It feels like a dream now.
This isn't silly. One of my first relationships after my initial trauma was really happy until he turned violent about a year in. I still sometimes think wistfully about that first part of the relationship, and you know what? That's ok. I was happy. And then things changed and I needed to get out in order to preserve my safety.

This happens in relationships where people have simply grown apart too. It's definitely not only you. The problem is in your situation it's more important that you get through this phase quickly for your safety. I think the key is to not become so blinded remembering what was once there or by romanticizing potentials that you allow yourself to continue in something that is unfulfilling, or in your case dangerous.
 
Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. It has meant a lot and given me much to think about. Unfortunately he doesn't work anymore and hasn't for a few months now. He had a great job but felt his coworker and boss were out to get him. It wasn't a very happy job environment. So he quit. He is an engineer and is supposed to be studying for a test to get his Engineer in Training. We pay the bills with his disability from the VA. He gets 70% between his foot and the PTSD. He is trying for 100% but doesn't go to his appointments when he makes them. He was supposed to go about a week ago and didn't. He didn't reschedule. I have things in place when things go down. He says he hasn't been happy. Yet the next minute he says he loves me and kisses me as I am cooking. It's a mind warp. I don't know what to do or believe anymore. My stomach is always in knots now. I know I need to leave. I just have to do it right not to have it blow up.
 
Dealing with abusive loved ones is a mind warp! When I had to deal with a loved one that I lived with who was abusing me, I wanted so much to believe they would change. They did care about me and there were good times - that is part of what makes the abuse so damaging to us. It's really common to feel like you don't know what to believe about the abuser when you are in the middle of it. It sounds like you have some good instincts though and you are wisely reaching out for outside input and support as you sort it all out. Trust that gut level feeling that this isn't healthy for you to stay in this.

The women's shelter folks are a good resource to tap into. You can talk to them with no commitments to anything and they usually don't cost anything. Even if you don't need their assistance for immediate shelter, they commonly help women plan out when they will leave and how. They really understand a lot of these dynamics. You can always talk to them and decide to not use their support too.

This is really hard stuff to go through. My heart goes out to you. :hug:
 
It's so hard because he is always here. He spends his days playing video games. In the year we have been together he has done the dishes maybe 4 times. His ex was still living with us and get did most of the housework because she didn't pay for any expenses. I worked full time and my boyfriend was in school full time. Since she left I took over the housework while he worked. And I was perfectly ok with that. But since he doesn't work he doesn't do any house work. He does cook which is great, he is a great cook. But I just feel like he is the child and I am the parent.
 
You know I was just thinking right now about when I was in my abusive marriage, I felt guilty for leaving him. Isn't that crazy? I felt like I was abandoning him even though he was hurting me daily it was hard for me to actually walk away. I dunno why I went through those emotions but I struggle with them still some days.
 
There is a problem with the way we talk to victims of domestic violence. Ideally we would talk to the perpetrator and tell them to stop their behaviour and to let you go. But there is a reason we don't. That is because they are not going to change. What do you think his reaction would be like if he were reading these comments instead of you?

So we try to convince the victim to leave the situation which only adds to the victims sense of feeling to blame and ashamed of "what they are letting happen to them". The victim already feels pretty bad and knows they want it to stop but it is not as simple as just leaving. You cant just leave an abusive controlling partner in the same way you would leave a healthy relationship. The abuser wont go away.

It is a long difficult process because it is unsafe to stand up to your abuser and secondly because he has led you to believe you cant win against him.

It is also a lot more complicated than that. He is confusing you, he wants you to think that the way you eat your steak is shameful, the way you put your hands in your pocket is shameful. He wants you to question your own judgment so you can no longer think yourself. The more we are around a person or situation the more it influences our realty.

Our realities are based on what is consistent in our lives. Protect yourself from this as much as you can by spending time with other people as possible and doing things that you enjoy. You will need to make a plan and when you do decide to leave call on the support of police, friends family, support workers anyone you trust and can reach out for to.

You are strong for all you have faced but you cant stand up to him on your own. He is counting on that which is why he is isolating you from those that care about you.

The fact that you love him and you see the sadness in his eyes shows that you are a compassionate person (also look up Stockholm syndrome which could be contributing). But he will take full advantage of that too.

When you leave he will pull out every trick in the box. Its likely that he will end up in hospital for another suicide attempt and if you go to see him he will look like a broken man. He will be sorry and cry and say it is all his fault and that he never wants to hurt you again. That he has a demon inside of him which he hates. He wants you to see the demon inside of him because that allows him to separate his behaviour from himself. So that you can believe that deep down he is a good person.

He probably does love you but he is not capable of caring about you. He doesn't treat you with basic dignity and respect.

When you do leave you will need therapy for a while afterwards. You may have to give up your money, car and some friendships. You will have to turn your back on him and his suffering and your love for him which will be hard and you will have to be brave as its diving into the unknown. It will be hard but it is a small price to pay for what will happen if you stay too long.

There comes a point where a persons mind can be damaged in a way they can never come back from. Domestic violence usually has one of two ends, either someone dies or the abuser moves onto another victim. For me it was the latter but I still live in fear of my life and my children's lives.

I wish more than anything I had of gotten out sooner. Sadly one day after he just took it a bit too far it was the final straw for me and I felt something in me break which I know can never been fixed.

Adding this:
There is a good chance he is going to try to encourage you to have a baby with him. Do whatever it takes to protect yourself even if you have to lie to him about it. He will be quite forceful and manipulative. He will use guilt and he will try to flatter you by "proving" how much he loves you because he wants to have your baby. He will try to break your will. Having children will complicate things much, much more. It will make leaving harder.

You will probably think the law will protect your children from him but it wont. I have 2 children with my ex husband. The eldest lived through violence for 6 years and the youngest only did for a year before I was finally able to get away from him. My youngest is ok but my eldest child has been in therapy for years and suffers from a lot of mental health issues. The pain you feel now will only seem minor compared to the pain you feel when you see you child suffering too.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
There is a good chance he is going to try to encourage you to have a baby with him. Do whatever it takes to protect yourself even if you have to lie to him about it. He will be quite forceful and manipulative. He will use guilt and he will try to flatter you by "proving" how much he loves you because he wants to have your baby. He will try to break your will. Having children will complicate things much, much more. It will make leaving harder.

You will probably think the law will protect your children from him but it wont. I have 2 children with my ex husband. The eldest lived through violence for 6 years and the youngest only did for a year before I was finally able to get away from him. My youngest is ok but my eldest child has been in therapy for years and suffers from a lot of mental health issues. The pain you feel now will only seem minor compared to the pain you feel when you see you child suffering too.
It is important not to get pregnant when you are in a domestic violence situation and relationship. The children, like me, suffer so much.
 
You know I was just thinking right now about when I was in my abusive marriage, I felt guilty for leaving him. Isn't that crazy? I felt like I was abandoning him even though he was hurting me daily it was hard for me to actually walk away. I dunno why I went through those emotions but I struggle with them still some days.

Oh so true for me too. I don't struggle with that any more. It takes a lot of time to get out of the fog of all the guilt making an emotional abuser brain washes you with.

DV counselling helps so much . If you are thinking it is him trust your gut and talk it over with a dv counsellor.

www.ncdsv.org/images/powercontrolwheelnoshading.pdf

I used this power and abuse wheel to tick off every section of how I was being abused. It is a real eye opener. Still took me years to not doubt and blame myself. I'd recommend looking at that wheel and if you can recognise the abuse, it is him not you.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top