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Undiagnosed Never Been In A Relationship. Nearly 30 Years Old. Ptsd Might Be The Cause.

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Cali0487

New Here
Hi there. I just wanted to introduce myself.

Not sure where to start, but I've recently become a miserable human being. Most days I hate myself, don't want to wake up and sometimes even want to die. I can't form a relationship with a man because there's some sort of barrier I can't get past. It's hard for me to communicate with people in general.

I've recently had suspicions that I was raped as a child, but have absolutely no memory. I'm just gonna throw some instances out there...maybe they'll make sense to someone else...maybe they're unrelated. I just need to get them off my chest because I've never told anyone.
[COLOR=rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961)]
- I have an irrational fear of black males. A legitimate fear. For no reason that I can think of. Whenever I'm approached, I feel like an ostrich that wants to stick it's head into the sand. I'm half black. I have a black parent, black siblings & friends, but when it comes to (male) strangers I can't deal.

- I was sexually "active" at an early age. Like 7 years old. Me and my female neighbor friend used to stick our hands down each other's pants and rub each other.

- I love men. I am strictly heterosexual. In my mind I'm an awesome person who has a great boyfriend, but I get scared when it comes to the sex. I've only ever had one night stands. Even if I don't want to have sex with a guy, I will anyway because I just don't want to say no and I fee like it's what I should do.

- I recently tried to get an IUD. As soon as the doctor put the speculum thing up there, I FREAKED. I'm usually ok with that stuff, but this time it was a male doctor. I was immediately in tears and had to get the hell out of there. He hesitantly asked if I was a victim of sexual abuse. He said I showed signs, but I didn't know what to say to him.

I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I've always been told I was gorgeous. I have an interesting racial mixture and my looks have gotten me a lot in life. I have no problems getting attention, but once I get it I get scared. I've been a shy, introverted person for as long as I can remember and it's never caused me problems until now. I feel like I can't be the person I want to be and I hate it.[/COLOR]
 
Hi @Cali0487, and welcome to the forum.

I think the first thing you might want to investigate is finding a therapist who can start to talk with you about these issues.
I've recently become a miserable human being. Most days I hate myself, don't want to wake up and sometimes even want to die. I can't form a relationship with a man because there's some sort of barrier I can't get past. It's hard for me to communicate with people in general.
These are signs that something is wrong. It might be a lot of different things. A professional can help you start to untangle things. And please, look around here for information, insights, and things that you can expect from therapy.
 
I know it's easy to jump to conclusions. I did it over and over early in my recovery. Like mentioned above, there could be other things that could be the trauma. When I started dealing with my lack of relationships I went right to sexual abuse. While sexual abuse existed in my past, there were other issues that were more pervasive and destructive. Be patient and give yourself some time to discover the true nature of what you are dealing with.

Welcome to the forum. This is a great place to find like minded individuals.
 
You've got some good advice already. We really can't say if it is or isn't. Everyone here has a different story.

If you need a place to start, I would try to contact the doc that you had with the insertion of the IUD. He would be able to point you in the right direction, get you a referral if needed and check over your insurance to make sure you are covered. Be warned that it might be a wait.

I see some similarities in your history with mine. But like Intrepid said, it might be other issues. Almost always, it's more complicated than it seems.

Welcome to the forum.
 
LOL

Your own statement indicates that introversion is the problem but you also talk about PTSD being the problem. So which is it? Are you single because you're an introvert or are you single because of PTSD? PTSD and introversion have nothing (and I do mean nothing) to do with each other.

I could slam you for a few things but I won't. You obviously have a chip on your shoulder. It was a question related to your misunderstanding of what introversion is. If you take it the wrong way, then that's your problem, not mine. Text has no tone.....
 
@Cali0487 Welcome to the forum!

I will encourage you to seek the assistance of a mental health professional as to have prolonged period of self-hate, suicidal ideation and loss of interest in life are signs that something is wrong. There is information on this site that you may find helpful with some of the symptoms, but therapy will be the best way to determine what is wrong and to get a plan for making your life better.
 
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