Hi there. I just wanted to introduce myself.
Not sure where to start, but I've recently become a miserable human being. Most days I hate myself, don't want to wake up and sometimes even want to die. I can't form a relationship with a man because there's some sort of barrier I can't get past. It's hard for me to communicate with people in general.
I've recently had suspicions that I was raped as a child, but have absolutely no memory. I'm just gonna throw some instances out there...maybe they'll make sense to someone else...maybe they're unrelated. I just need to get them off my chest because I've never told anyone.
[COLOR=rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961)]
- I have an irrational fear of black males. A legitimate fear. For no reason that I can think of. Whenever I'm approached, I feel like an ostrich that wants to stick it's head into the sand. I'm half black. I have a black parent, black siblings & friends, but when it comes to (male) strangers I can't deal.
- I was sexually "active" at an early age. Like 7 years old. Me and my female neighbor friend used to stick our hands down each other's pants and rub each other.
- I love men. I am strictly heterosexual. In my mind I'm an awesome person who has a great boyfriend, but I get scared when it comes to the sex. I've only ever had one night stands. Even if I don't want to have sex with a guy, I will anyway because I just don't want to say no and I fee like it's what I should do.
- I recently tried to get an IUD. As soon as the doctor put the speculum thing up there, I FREAKED. I'm usually ok with that stuff, but this time it was a male doctor. I was immediately in tears and had to get the hell out of there. He hesitantly asked if I was a victim of sexual abuse. He said I showed signs, but I didn't know what to say to him.
I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I've always been told I was gorgeous. I have an interesting racial mixture and my looks have gotten me a lot in life. I have no problems getting attention, but once I get it I get scared. I've been a shy, introverted person for as long as I can remember and it's never caused me problems until now. I feel like I can't be the person I want to be and I hate it.[/COLOR]
Not sure where to start, but I've recently become a miserable human being. Most days I hate myself, don't want to wake up and sometimes even want to die. I can't form a relationship with a man because there's some sort of barrier I can't get past. It's hard for me to communicate with people in general.
I've recently had suspicions that I was raped as a child, but have absolutely no memory. I'm just gonna throw some instances out there...maybe they'll make sense to someone else...maybe they're unrelated. I just need to get them off my chest because I've never told anyone.
[COLOR=rgba(0, 0, 0, 0.701961)]
- I have an irrational fear of black males. A legitimate fear. For no reason that I can think of. Whenever I'm approached, I feel like an ostrich that wants to stick it's head into the sand. I'm half black. I have a black parent, black siblings & friends, but when it comes to (male) strangers I can't deal.
- I was sexually "active" at an early age. Like 7 years old. Me and my female neighbor friend used to stick our hands down each other's pants and rub each other.
- I love men. I am strictly heterosexual. In my mind I'm an awesome person who has a great boyfriend, but I get scared when it comes to the sex. I've only ever had one night stands. Even if I don't want to have sex with a guy, I will anyway because I just don't want to say no and I fee like it's what I should do.
- I recently tried to get an IUD. As soon as the doctor put the speculum thing up there, I FREAKED. I'm usually ok with that stuff, but this time it was a male doctor. I was immediately in tears and had to get the hell out of there. He hesitantly asked if I was a victim of sexual abuse. He said I showed signs, but I didn't know what to say to him.
I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I've always been told I was gorgeous. I have an interesting racial mixture and my looks have gotten me a lot in life. I have no problems getting attention, but once I get it I get scared. I've been a shy, introverted person for as long as I can remember and it's never caused me problems until now. I feel like I can't be the person I want to be and I hate it.[/COLOR]