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New And Tired Of Being Scared All The Time

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by Lotusflower, Feb 8, 2007.

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  1. Lotusflower

    Lotusflower New Member

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    Hello Everyone,


    I have chronic PTSD from multiple traumas. For years I have been trying to deal with this, and I am at the worst point that I have ever been with it now.


    I have seen several therapists over the years. Most were no help at all a few were down right incompetent. The last one I saw, a few years ago , correctly diagnosed the PTSD.
    He wanted to do EMDR therapy but for some reason he chickened out at the last minute.
    (He was very vague about why, just said he could recommend someone else…) I moved, (a LOT) and have not seen any one since.

    I didn’t have too many, (problems PTSD wise), until my late twenties. I used to be a strong, confident woman, who could handle pretty much anything that life threw her way.
    (In spite of early trauma, which I would’ve sworn on a stack of bibles, I’d dealt with remarkably well.)

    I was loving, creative, energetic mother to my four sons. I am nothing like that now.
    When I feel anything at all, it’s usually fear, in the form of extreme anxiety. Sometimes I swear I feel like I am vibrating inside like a tuning fork! (This feeling is ALWAYS accompanied by tinnitus oddly…)

    My Son’s are grown, but I have a two year old Daughter, and I am desperate to recover SOME feelings of joy, hope…


    I try to be as loving with her as possible, even when I’m in literal pain from the stress. (I feel almost every day like I’ve been beaten by a gang with baseball bats from the stress I am currently under.) But I know she is getting shorted SO much.

    I have to force myself to play or dance, sing with her. I am finding it harder and harder to do at all uuhhggg! I laugh and smile, but I do not feel much. I know she picks up on my anxiety too.

    I want to help myself so badly! I have long known that our best hope of healing from anything lies within ourselves. . I used to pride myself on being smart and strong. I feel so ashamed and defeated to be falling apart in spite of my best efforts to help myself!

    Reading here really cranks up my anxiety, so I come and read as much as I can tolerate every day and then I take a break. I’m still not sure how this all works, but I know I have found something different here. Thanks to all those who share there work here!
    LB
     
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  3. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Welcome to the forum. Count your blessings on the guy chickening out. Some of the things I have heard about multiple trauma and that treatment has not been good. Made me chicken out any way myself.

    I know how much we want to try get our life back on track especially when we have little ones at home. You can do it, we all can and strive for it daily. Read the information section for lots of useful information relating to PTSD and the symptoms of.

    Reading the posts here, well, you are very normal for it to raise you anxiety levels. The best thing you can do for yourself is take breaks. But hit the information section it can help you a lot.
     
  4. Lotusflower

    Lotusflower New Member

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    Thank you Veiled,
    I have a *gift* for reading/comprehension (thank you God!). So I have actualy read through most of the information, forms, diaries...I am now trying to piece myself back together with tips from others posts lol!
    Thanks for your message,
    LF
     
  5. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Hello Lotus, welcome to the forum. Whilst you feel beat at the moment, let me just say that healing will get worse, however; the other side to what you alredy know, being you must do the work yourself, is a pretty damn rosy picture, to say the least. Living once again is nice, especially after a year or two off very hard work pulling yourself apart, rediscovering yourself even... everyone and anyone can do it, you just really have to want it, because the initial pain is intense, to say the least.
     
  6. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    :hello: Welcome Lotusflower! Hope the forum helps you much and motivates you to seek and find the healing and joy you need. I quoted what I did above, bc I share the same difficulties as you. I relate. Have chronic PTSD too, and though I don't have a 2yr. old, which we all know requires a great deal of energy, I have two 7yr. olds. I hear you loud and clear when you speak about trying to be as loving as possible, and having to force yourself. It hit me abruptly. Bam!...depression, when my children were about 3 1/2 and me wondering where had most of the joy gone. It became and was a great struggle.

    Do you have any trusted, competent family, friends or other support who occassionally help and relieves you? Are you able to get the sleep you need?

    ONE place I started to help myself was in the trauma diary here, on the forum. It allowed me to receive desperately needed feedback, as prior to this what little feedback there was in my life was unintelligible.

    I will say even though I certainly agree that the initial pain is intense, that I am also if only at times during this process, experiencing a greater joy with my kids. This I didn't expect and had thought would only be likely after all the healing. I'm feeling a wider range of emotion than before helping myself....much like a freeing of pent-up joy and love, and so I'm discovering my attitude and resolve lightens the whole healing process. And, though I know none of this is easy and the sh't is going to hit the fan again, I'm trusting it's all worth it.

    Lotus, my thoughts are with you and your children, and I'm glad you want to help yourself so badly bc that yearning, is enormous in all this. And, combined with your Hard work and new skills, I'm trusting there is great strength and reward for you and your children on the other side of this process.

    As I was so badly filled with fear, that any relief and progress from any of it, I so deeply appreciate.
     
  7. Lotusflower

    Lotusflower New Member

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    Hi, Thanks to all who replied!
    I have question…I have read the book, “I Just Can’t Get Over It” ( Trauma and Recovery, and several others as well). According to the book, one of the first things needed to begin recovery was a “safe environment”.

    Some months ago, I entered a domestic violence shelter. I have been in three different ones. I had to get out of the system and stay with friend, because I simply could not handle the abuse that goes on within dv shelters. I’ll spare you the details.

    However I am far from able to afford even the tiniest apt on my own, so I will most likely have no choice but to re-enter a shelter, and apply for subsidized housing.

    My question is what happens to new (albeit possible not “Life Threatening”) trauma that occurs while you are working on the root traumas?

    I am looking into options other than shelters, because I really despise the whole coercive atmosphere, but my choices are limited. Also I would not have internet access, (please don’t suggest using the local library, it’s just not realistic when you have a toddler.)

    Should I wait? I wish I could get started right away…What do you think?



    LF
     
  8. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    I think if you read up on the section of secondary wounding it may help since you did not go into details.

    How committed and open is your friend to you staying there? Because once you really start to dig it may be better for you there if they are supportive of that. But this is a choice only you can make. All I can say is go with your gut on how and where you choose to heal, long as you choose to.
     
  9. Lotusflower

    Lotusflower New Member

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    Hi Veil,
    Yes… I read about secondary wounding, rather unavoidable for anyone really, I guess what I wonder is, can you do some exposure therapy than have to stop for (possibly) an extended period of time, will you retain any gains you made or will it all creep right back up on you again? I suppose it depends on whether you’ve excised some of the most significant trauma (?)
    Thanks for the quick response, maybe I’m just worrying too much lol!
    LF
     
  10. cookie

    cookie I'm a VIP

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    welcome to the forum, flower.
    cathy
     
  11. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    LF, it is really hard for me to say as I know so little about what you have, are, and contemplating going through.

    For me once I started therapy there was no turning back. It was a snowball. I functioned without therapy and without addressing issues while being exposed. That was because all my coping skills (all unhealthy by the way) were still in place. Now once I started therapy and exposure is not therapy, but open up about my issues, discussing them, examining them and putting it out there for my doctors and forum members to pick it apart with me and see things I was missing... Well, then there was no turning back and my coping skills no longer worked. I had to go through the bowels of hell before I got a breath of air. Once you really start trauma therapy there is no turning back. It is best to have yourself set up to handle some rough hell for the next minimum 6 months to a year. This was my experience. I hope this answers what you are asking. Having a slow brain day so sorry if I did not answer your question.
     
  12. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Hi Lotus! Welcome to the forum...

    I can't comment on the book as I don't have it yet.. so I ordered it despite not being able to afford it.. I can't afford not to get it! LOL

    Will chat more with ya later..

    bec
     
  13. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Lotus, the problem with trying to chip away at symptoms and smaller issues with exposure therapy, is that your trying to fix the wrong things, and it doesn't work. You just chase your tail around in circles... ie. I do all this work, and nothing good comes from it. All this does is make you believe the very things that do work, don't work, because your using them in the wrong order, the wrong way. Trauma must be attacked at its core first, that means your going down for many months, to your worst, in order to allow you to help yourself later on with exposure and other techniques. The root of the problem is your trauma, not the residual effects PTSD causes.
     
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