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New Carer Trying To Find How Best To Help Him Without Destroying Self In The Process.

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Hi Chantico and Damiea, both welcome to the forum.

Chantico, I think what your saying is quite accurate towards not becoming stuck within a destructive relationship, one where one feels compelled to stay for all the wrong reasons, instead of the right reasons. Often one feels the other will change, but they don't, and even if they do, can the other really forgive them for all those wrongs?

Your case is a little more interesting though, and I can see exactly where bec was coming from in relation to reading your story, in that it does sound more like one from a sufferer than a carer. I say that because you have endure years of trauma uniquely before meeting this other who then continued that abuse cycle you outlined, being the attraction to others that understand you because they have suffered similar. All a bad thing, though we often must only learn that from experience.

I say well done to you for your efforts, though I must say honestly, not only is this possibly about you as a carer, but maybe as a person who needs to heal their own trauma!
 
Hey Anthony. Nice to 'meet' you!
I definately do not think I have PTSD, and the stuff from school...it's in the past. I think I've dealt with it - when I joined karate the physical stuff stopped. Self defence classes really work miracles on people. I don't tend to look back on the bullying, but I remember it, I just choose not to - there's no point dwelling and I'll never get answers.

It happened to a different person - I'm not that pathetic little doormat any more. I'm not little girl who spent breaktimes hiding so her peers wouldn't find her, who skived a lesson once so she could wash someone elses spit from her hair, who got up and appologised when someone purposefully barged into her and knocked her to the floor, who hid split lips from her parents by hiding in her room (I heal fast). I don't even recognise that girl except for the odd stab of humiliation.

Now I'm the person who can beat a 13 stone man in a grappling match, cycle nearly 400km down the Nile for charity within a few weeks of dislocating and breaking my shoulder, who finally has real friends (bridesmaid a couple of weeks ago (that girl is a success story!) and godmother-to-be for another friends beautiful daughter, who can beat most guys she knows in arm-wrestles and can write poetry that reduces people to tears.

Thing is, yes he was abusing, but it was limited to second term, (with a bit of spill out to third term) when he was a complete mess.
He could barely get out of bed somedays.
And it made me finally realise that I didn't deserve that treatment. I know now more about myself than I did, so I'm trying to take the good from what happened. The first term, when we met, he spent a long time trying to undo my convictions of worthlessness.

I'm still so angry at times, at both him and myself. I'm trying to get rid of the anger because it's not constructive, it wont help him or me and I don't want it to tear us apart and I've just realised I've started to cry so I'll stop there.

I have to forgive him - half the time he didn't know what he was doing or why, and I can't really hold him responsible for conduct patterns his parents set in him and he was unaware of - all i can do is point out to him what he was doing so he has a chance to stop/change/remedy it. There are things he should have realised would hurt me, but he just doesn't think (not a generalisation but I've noticed a lot of guys at this age don't seem to have a concept of consequences)

And if I don't forgive him I'll end up carrying this resentment and hurt around for years to come, so I have to (and have) forgive him for both our sakes, and it's now my task to make myself okay with everything that's happened.
 
Chantico, I think you may have a lot more healing to do than you realize. Just reread your postings here from an outsider point of view. I think you can see it if you step back for a minute and you will find yourself being helped and in turn doing what is best for those around you.

I am just curious why you would have to hold yourself to such high standards and not let in hurt but a "tough girl" fight attitude but at the same time make excuses for others around you as if they have no personal responsibility for their actions? It is OK someone poos on you because they were hurt but you are not hurting from abuse because you are tougher than that? Why can you accept that and expect others who had crap to not some take personal responsibility in daily life? No one and I mean no one gets better with out it.

I see a pattern that is not uncommon. You have to step back and see it. You are trying to cover your own pain helping, or you just have not accepted you need to heal and you see being hurt as a weakness.
 
Chantico, I say damn well done, and congratulations to yourself for being strong. You haven't grown, from what I see, for the wrong reasons (ie. revenge), but more the right reasons, life growth and personal well being. I already have a good idea how mentally strong you now are, which far surpasses physicaly strength, as I have a lot of martial arts experience behind me, and I will clearly state, my mental strength from martial arts has 100% helped me throughout my life. I used to allow people to better me, I then could better them, though didn't use it unless needed. Saying that, I did have times when I got PTSD that I was out of control physically.

I think you've have really done a lot of work on yourself, and its actually great to hear your words towards forgiveness. Many say it, very few mean it. I am impressed, and I really give you credit for your strength to fight through, and not dwell. Well done... and I am sure many off us here can learn from your experience. I certainly plan too.
 
Oh dear, I re-read my responses of yesterday, and I realized I was quite terse towards both of you, Chantico and Damiea. That was not my intention, I did not explain myself well at all I'm afraid. And I did not say welcome to the forum! For both errors I apologize. Our family has been under a tremendous amount of stress of late, though that is not an excuse. So let me begin again. A most sincere welcome to the forum to both of you! It is lovely to see new members, enjoy your time here.
 
Chantico:

I'm sorry I was so harsh yesterday. (sometimes it takes me awhile to be able to look back) I have to learn to breathe and give myself some room when I'm overwhelmed, not post right away when it's a huge effort. I get rather short and harsh when I'm overdoing it or overwhelmed. In no way meant as mean towards you. As my girlfriend says.. please hang up and dial again! LOL

bec
 
Well done bec... cole is having an effect on you after all. Best advice is often the advice we give ourselves, that solid positive advice that only benefits us personally. Well done bec.
 
lol I tend to be able to read a lot and sum up what they are trying to get across. Comes from reading lots of books all the time! and I don't take offence to much at all.. everyone has there right to say whatever they want. its up to you how you take what they say and how your going to respond. Also as to Chantico being a sufferer and not a carer.. is not sometimes a type of healing done when you are helping others heal themselves? it sounds like Chantico gets the type of self confidence to face her issues by helping others through there troubles. and thank you for the welcome to the boards!
 
Oki, so much to respond to!

Becvan firstly - for the appology and also because you cited concentration difficulties. Appology accepted - I over-reacted to your initial post, I think because I'm so used to going to 'guard mode' where this subject and person is involved.
I really appreciate the appology though, and I hope it wasn't the length of my post that had you feeling overwhelmed or any of the contents that made you irate. If I accidently triggered you, you have my deepest appologies - I really didn't mean to and I'm so sorry if I did.

Damiea, hey again :)
You've hit an interesting point. Have you ever given advice to someone only to find that in a few days you realise that the troubles you were trying to work out at the same time were helped/would have benefitid/been resolved by the things you said to others?
It's happening more and more frequently to me these days.

Veiled, up until I started this thread, up until you and Anthony started asking questions I couldn't ignore, I genuinly thought I had dealt with that section of my past.
I ended up a little frantic and teary, but it forced me to make some conclusions about myself that I hadn't before.
1) Recently I have become an emotional self-harmer, but (just about) refrained from an old habit of using my finger-nails to slice the top of my arms. Never really realised I was doing it when I did, until afterwards.
2) I haven't dealt with a lot of the stuff from years ago. I simply pushed it away and didn't think about it. Never really felt it was that bad. Until I started telling people and they were angry and shocked.
After I read yours and Anthony's post, this guy came online, and I ended up unloading on him all the stuff from long before he met me - I have a copy of the conversation and will figure out how to attach it if that's oki
(ironic how I've been looking after him all year and yet the last 3 or 4 breakdowns has been me, and he's been the optimistic positive influence pulling me to my feet again?)

Anthony, the thing about forgiveness? Thankyou, although I don't deserve that - it's a very important lesson I learnt from one of my greatest friends - she's been through so much, and yet has sorted out her life with the help of her now-husband, and has gone from this broken, angry, vulnerable person to in all seriousness, one of the best, most inspiring, beautiful people you could ever meet.
I've realised her words for myself now, so it was a lesson I learned that I said, but she taught me. In her words, all that hate and pain and anger took up space inside her, and she didn't want it anymore - she wanted that space for love and hope for her future and for her step-sons and for her life.

Done a fair bit of work on myself, but have a fair way to go yet!

Veiled - I don't know why I hold mystelf to standards that I don't expect of others. You're not the first to ask that. I'll find the answer one day.
You're also not the first to note that I help people a lot, and ask what I gain by it. Again, not sure if I do gain or not. Could be purely selfish in that I LIKE my friends and want them to stick around and not kill themselves or self-destruct!
I would briefly hazzard that perhaps I know what it feels like to have no-one stand by you, to be lonely and helpless and scorned by nearly everyone who comes across you. And I don't want others to go through that.
I know that if I was going through things like that, I would be ashamed but at the same time so grateful of anyone willing to spend their time on me (realised I initially put 'waste their time on me', which I deleted, but then felt that self-accusation was an important insight I needed to examine. Don't you just love train-of-thought writing?)

I'm not religious, but 'Do unto others, anyone?'
My life will be worth something if I can ease someone elses pain just a little. Their time with me will be justified. I'll be worth something.
And the next step that that thought process has just exposed in me - I know how this sounds...I'll be valued by them, not discarded so easily. My goodness, that's rather a selfish reason to help people isn't it? It's certainly not the only reason - finding my own self-worth (which I think I have, just there's a time gap between that self-finding and the setting of that conviction) and thus removing that reason, would not stop me from doing all I can to help those I love.

You might be able to take it to some soppy sentimental level in that me helping and protecting others is trying to do the same for the person I once was, but that sounds a little far fetched and 'Disney'. The concept just amused me.

I'll post this now before it turns into actual essay proportions.
 
*hugs you*

that I could read! lol

Ya know, the more I read, the more you sound like a sufferer? Sure you don't have flashbacks, nightmares, bad stress reactions? LOL

Everyone on here gets triggered by numerous things. Don't apologize for that. If we were all afraid of posting because it might trigger someone, we would have an empty board! lol

Ugh brain mushy.. had thoughts and they went poof. More later.

bec
 
Right, I hope this works. Seriously, it's nothing much so if you have better stuff to do please do.
Just a conversation triggered by this thread that helped me.

Oh, and Kathy, no worries - I've gleaned snippets of your current situation around the forum, and you're entitled to be terse even if you weren't struggling with things anyway. I have that effect on people.

On another note, I have another friend who keeps hospitalising herself with suicide attempts every other month or so. I don't live close to her so rarely see her and she's very touchy about anyone trying to help her so I've accepted there's nothing I can do except try and be as happy as possible to buoy her mood when she calls. She's an old, old friend of mine, and I think she would benefit from these forums...I guess this post doesn't really have much of a point except to steel myself against a potential explosion if I dare try and prod her in this direction. Sorry.

Hope the attachment works.
Chantico.
 

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  • Remember..doc
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Poofy thoughts. Funfunfun.
Glad you could plough through it, lol!

I have nightmares a fair bit, but then all my dreams are intensely vivid. The run-of-the-mill dream involves people chasing me or hunting me down and everytime I find a place to hide they find me, everytime I turn to fightthey are so much bigger and more powerful than me - my punches have absolutly no effect, like I had slapped them with paper. Or i'm just not quick enough, like my arm's moving through treacle. (Not that i've ever tried to move my arm in treacle before, forgive the cliche)

Those don't bother me so much. When I see friends die in my dreams I end up with my face wet with tears.
But the scariest dreams is when I am literally running for my life - you know that feeling where you FEEL something reaching out to touch your back, and there's no sight of the persuer but it's an all-pervading presance.

But I've woken from those ones with the fear and the presence from the dream still intact, still advancing, and I physically can't move even though I am actually awake. Can't move, can't open my eyes, can't even scream although I've tried, even if just to get something moving so I can get my body to fight back.

That last bit is actually what the inncubi/succubi legends are based on. It's a malfunction in the waking process called hypno-golgic/pompic hallucinations (can't remember which - one is for it occuring when waking up, one is for when dozing off) where the brain is awake but the barriers in place that stop your body physically moving when they brain is sending movement signels to you in your sleep (the same brain processes are going on, just blocked, when say, you're dreaming of running)

By flashbacks I presume you mean the passing out/reliving the event I've seen my ex do? No, I don't.

What do you mean by 'bad stress reactions'? My heart-rate is normal, I think. It used to be a little slower than normal because my fitness was so high - I used to do a lot of swimming for my country and oh crap.
Had forgotten that.

Oki, after processing that, just remembered something I never paid any thought to after the event.
Just remembered a few occasions when people tried to hold me under and I got hell for cutting their arms and back with my nails (think I took a chunk of of a guys hair at one point) But to be fair they had hold of my hair and were using it to keep my head underwater. There was a time earlier than that when two girls did it too and i managed to get away by kicking away from them using the side of the pool and their stomachs. I was very small then, I remember they were big but couldnt have been too many years older than me.

And another time when someone pushed me into the water but I resisted and thus had to sit out of the training because I couldn't move my elbow properly coz I brought my full weight down on it on the side of the pool when I fell.

Oki. Moving on.
And here was me thinking I never remembered being scared in any of it.

But yet I'm not scared of water? Why not? Should I be? But then again, I had a bad cycling accident just before my 19th birthday which crippled me temporarily and still cycled the Nile a few weeks later (Hardcore!)
For a few months afterwards I was having bits of memory of the accident (predominatly the flight path as I catapaulted those 11 feet, lol!) that I couldn't remember a few days after the accident. For a while my memory went from realising I was going to crash and knowing I couldn't do anything about it straight to realising I was on the floor and screaming.
Still. Not scared of cycling, or bikes, or the place I had the accident. Went back a few days later to make sure I wasn't scared.
Moving. On.

Hehe, I suppose you're right about the empty board. I guess the people know what they're sensitive to and avoid the topics that normally trigger them. I'll try to be more careful in the future. Just didn't think.

*Hugs back, feeling a bit bemused*
 
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