I finally got diagnosed last week; I guess I got PTSD from 8 months of caring for my partner, who was left for dead by pretty much everyone (some on purpose, some by negligence, some by incompetence...I really wish I were exaggerating, but I swear I'm not inflating this), and who suffered agonizing nerve and psychological pain for the next 8 months as we tried over and over to find a specialist who could help. We don't have any family, so there was basically nobody but her, me, and 24/7 hell. Around month 7 we started arranging our affairs (she couldn't reasonably be expected to continue to live when every moment was literal agony, and I couldn't imagine living in a world that had let her die like that), but in month 8 we finally happened upon a pain specialist who prescribed a medication that totally did away with the (physical) pain. We were both floored. This was about a year ago.
We both more or less tried to get on with our lives. I've been trying to push forward and to keep myself afloat because I didn't fight this hard just to lose the cold war, so to speak, but I'm exhausted, almost constantly overwhelmed by the slightest stress, prone to sensory overload from noise or crowds, and most of the time, I crave annihilation.
At the same time, having the diagnosis feels really validating, as though I don't have to second-guess my distress anymore. The trouble is that I don't know where to get support... I have very few friends (and none in this city), especially since I more or less fell of the face off the earth two years ago without explaining anything to anyone (it's a really, really long story, and has some controversial bits that I KNOW people will judge. That's what we get for being queer). Reaching out again is frightening; I don't want to have to be disappointed anymore.
I also don't know which treatment approach to take on for the other stuff (hypervigilance, easily startled, low-quality sleep, dissociative episodes and memory lapses, suicidal ideation, etc.), since lots of modalities seem to focus on traumas relating to single events or to replacing notions of negative self-worth with more "adaptive" self-conceptions... but I don't hate myself or feel worthless! I just lost all confidence that people will do the right thing, and I'm also terrified of being misunderstood and set back by people in power (bosses, psychiatrists, therapists, etc.) if I show signs of dysfunction or reveal details relating to the whole situation.
Sorry for the longpost. Just hoping to find some other people who are in a similar boat so we can commiserate, compare notes on the types of therapy that work and don't work, stuff like that. Thanks for reading =)
V
We both more or less tried to get on with our lives. I've been trying to push forward and to keep myself afloat because I didn't fight this hard just to lose the cold war, so to speak, but I'm exhausted, almost constantly overwhelmed by the slightest stress, prone to sensory overload from noise or crowds, and most of the time, I crave annihilation.
At the same time, having the diagnosis feels really validating, as though I don't have to second-guess my distress anymore. The trouble is that I don't know where to get support... I have very few friends (and none in this city), especially since I more or less fell of the face off the earth two years ago without explaining anything to anyone (it's a really, really long story, and has some controversial bits that I KNOW people will judge. That's what we get for being queer). Reaching out again is frightening; I don't want to have to be disappointed anymore.
I also don't know which treatment approach to take on for the other stuff (hypervigilance, easily startled, low-quality sleep, dissociative episodes and memory lapses, suicidal ideation, etc.), since lots of modalities seem to focus on traumas relating to single events or to replacing notions of negative self-worth with more "adaptive" self-conceptions... but I don't hate myself or feel worthless! I just lost all confidence that people will do the right thing, and I'm also terrified of being misunderstood and set back by people in power (bosses, psychiatrists, therapists, etc.) if I show signs of dysfunction or reveal details relating to the whole situation.
Sorry for the longpost. Just hoping to find some other people who are in a similar boat so we can commiserate, compare notes on the types of therapy that work and don't work, stuff like that. Thanks for reading =)
V