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New Here, Hoping For Help. I Think He May Have Ptsd And Wont Admit It, Or Seek Help.

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revelry

MyPTSD Pro
I have a special person in my life that may be suffering from PTSD. He's Special Forces, and been deployed a lot. We met in October and things have been wonderful, until recently. He has only ever brought it up in a conversation once, and when i decided to re-visit it later, he got Very angry , snapped, and asked if i was a pshychiatrist. So I dropped it for the time being. Meanwhile, I started doing some research and found similarities in behavior. He's been more agumentative, flying off the handle, he's admitted to his alcohol use increasing and then "getting a handle on it" again. He's spending a lot more time concerned about who's doing what in his town, and following the crime postings in the paper. He's even made comments about people "coming up the stairs behind him and "getting him" in his apartment. He has trouble sleeping, but thinks everyone does, and has made comments that people think that hes "changed" since he came back. He's starting to mis-trust me, and thinks Im accusing him. He went from hot to cold, litterally, overnight.
Although, We knew it was perfect early on, I had plans of moving, (he's in another state), finishing my career, so i could travel with him, and possibly have kids (hes 41, im 35--- not our first time in a relationship, we knew what we wanted). Now after a small argument over a poor choice of words that hurt my feelings, he has decided to be passive aggressive and isn't returning my calls. I had sent him a few lengthy e-mails, he responded to a couple, but has shut me out again. This is NOT the man I knew, theres something really wrong. im not sure how to bring it up to him again, without pushing him further away. Does anyone have any thoughts??
 
My advice is not to ask him about his deployments, or anything related to what he did. Be there for him, but don't probe him. Encourage him to seek therapy either through the VA or a more private means if the situation comes up (don't randomly suggest it); whatever makes him more comfortable. Do things with him that will keep him away from looking at the papers, and other people's affairs. Though I need to say don't do anything that involves large crowds like going to the amusement park or what have you. Do something quiet with him so both of you can relax and spend some quality time together.

When you have PTSD it is VERY hard to open up, trust, and even talk to people without putting up a barrier of sorts. Aggression is one such barrier. Just work on regaining his trust and being there for him. That helps a great deal even though it might not seem like it At the same time read up on PTSD and gain some understanding about what's in store. Many relationships fail because the person who doesn't have PTSD doesn't understand what's involved with their loved one who has the disorder. We'll help you out wherever we can. Hope you found this advice useful.
 
I appreciate the advice, I have been pretty lost lately. Im just really struggling because of the miles and I feel so helpless because he wont talk to me. i read some posts that some sufferers will look at their phone when it rings and want to answer it but can't. I wonder if that is what might be going on with him. I love this man dearly and im willing to accept the good with the bad, i kinda already knew this going in. I knew that there would be more deployments, and the long distance would have it's burdens, and so would years of service and traumas that go along with it. He's been in Korea, Kuwait, Afghanistan, Iraq, Jordan, and Haiti, those are the delpoyments that i know of, although he wont tell me how many times he's actually been deployed in 14 years. I want to help him heal, but its difficult when he wont open up to what's really going on. He's made comments that the military doesnt exactly look kindly on issues like this, and im sure he's concerned about his status, his rank, and security clearance if this were to ever come front and center. I have been trying to give him space, keeping my messages light, keeping the focus off of the bigger issues, but i feel like he's slipping away from me. I though about taking a trip to see him, but im afraid he may take it the wrong way. I dont want to screw this up or cause him any more anxiety.
 
I want to help him heal, but its difficult when he wont open up to what's really going on.

He won't tell you what's going on regarding his feelings or his deployments? Try concentrating on his feelings rather than the details of what brought them on such as his deployments, because he won't be able to tell you the details anyway. If he's feeling angry, let him vent it out in a conversation with you. If he's sad be there to take the edge off the dull pain he's feeling. Make yourself available, and above all, predictable. When you have PTSD anything predictable and solid is a welcome change of pace to the hectic world and emotions that we deal with on a constant basis. Remind him that the military is one thing, but you are separate from all that. There aren't any psych evals with you, and there isn't anything that would suggest that you are out there in the world while he's trapped in his prison.

The biggest problem is that we pretty much feel separate from the world, and everyone else is pretty much normal and able to enjoy life. The way I describe it is I'm on "time out", while the other kids get to play. I'm alone, isolated, and nobody out there even cares they're too busy playing. By you spending time with him while he's on "time out" you pretty much are his port in the storm, the one who actually cares.

He might not open up to you completely, with his traumatic memories I honestly find it extremely hard to put things out, express them emotionally myself, and when I do I immediately harden because I felt vulnerable. You said you wanted to take a trip to see him? Take it. But work things out with him concerning a date and time. You don't want to show up unannounced. Every time someone knocks on my door I immediately have a surge of adrenaline and anxiety. I look through the peephole, if I can't see the person I don't open it. If there is a stranger I immediately assess him and the threat he might pose. And when I talk to the stranger It's usually me listening while in my mind preparing for the worst. Every time someone comes over and rings my doorbell I get ready for a fight. But if I am expecting someone I usually ask them to give me updates. If he wants you to come over be sure you communicate frequently, and if you are going to be late inform him.

Communication is a HUGE deal with us who suffer from PTSD. Once that is gone what else is left? Communication is linked to love, trust, friendship, emotions, feelings, you name it. It's our only window to the world. Keep that and maintain it the best you can.
 
I am so glad that i found this site. I will admit that I knew very little about PTSD. Im learning, and Im actually learning more form the people that have it, than any Med site that might be out there. (They are all pretty "clinical" and kinda unrealistic when I read the posts from "You know PTSD when..." and made some comparisons )

I look back and think that there were probaly some things that I did wrong early on (kinda beatin myself up about it), I didn't know any better, I didn't really know what was goign on. He didn't really tell me. He was kinda cryptic, even though he swore he wasnt. I cant change that now. I can learn from it, but cant change it. I just hope that he can forgive me. I just want him to feel safe again.

I found both of your replys to be very open, honest, and heartfelt, I appreciate that. I know it takes a lot to tell someone about their own private hell, Im no different, I've had my "issues" as well, but was always under the impression that I had to "tough it out"..... I figured out now....@ 35--almost 36... that really isnt the case, but it really doesn't make it any easier.

I'm going to send him an E-mail, asking if i can visit, and keep it light, but quiet. Maybe he'll find some security in me. I do love him, unlike anyone, EVER, and i know that hes a good man, he's spent hours on the phone with me, we've sent care packages back and forth, seen movies together( him in his town, me in mine, and then we would call and talk about it later :) ) I always wanted a guy that would toss me down in the sand on the beach, laugh, and roll around, then brush the sand off my my feet later........(loving sigh.....) I found it in him, I just dont know what I did that triggered his recent mood. I hurts, but Im trying.
 
caliaviator,
I also want to add, that you made the comment about feeling vuneralbe, I can understand that, but your emotions are YOUR emotions. You shouldn't feel vunerable about that. how you feel is how you feel, no one can change that for you. If someone around you can't respect that or understand that, then that becomes THEIR problem, not yours. You are a human being and a good person, and we all have our "vunerable" moments. That doesnt make you differnent, that makes you honest, and true. It's not a bad thing. If more people "opened up" .... life might not be so hard sometimes.
Hug.
 
I appreciate that. But how I got to have PTSD was that from an early age on I was in a position of weakness. It was me against the many. I would get into fights constantly because I was always the new kid on the block, I wasn't trendy, and my body frame was small at the time. I blocked off what I wanted to feel in order to survive. I saw being angry and malevolent as a mechanism for survival, and so I carried that throughout my childhood on up. I saw that as being much better than being afraid and vulnerable so I stuck with it. My positive emotions were suppressed by anger, terror, and hatred for so long I didn't know how to properly "access" those positive emotions. After high school I went into the military with the same mindset. It seemed like second nature to be able to shut off and suppress my emotions, and I was in an environment where it was encouraged. When I got out due to an injury, I started getting worse. Anger and hatred were pretty much at the core, everything horrible that was suppressed in my very core was starting to come out. How I felt towards the average person was they are a potential threat unless proven otherwise. It's still the case with me to this day. My experiences dominate how I view the world, and the lessons that I learned regarding survival are still applied to this day; even though it might not be necessary to still survive in that manner, I still do it.

When you do something you haven't done before in a long time such as love, care, smile, laugh, and generally live life it's extremely hard, and naturally you will feel vulnerable. When you are accustomed to a certain way lifestyle, which is SURVIVAL instead of LIVING life (caps to emphasize the two key points) you will feel vulnerable when you start to live. In my mind there is a difference between surviving and living. Surviving is when you do whatever it takes to preserve your life in hardship, living is when you are generally secure and you're free to enjoy your world. I'm learning how to live, and so are many others that are here. I'm sure most of us here wants to start living, rather than surviving.

Though when someone encroaches on my right to live it becomes my problem, even if it might be theirs. I then switch to survival mode and I, through reflex, do whatever it takes to preserve my well being against that threat. The problem is when you know more hardships than peace you start to view everything in a "guilty until proven innocent" point of view. I know I shouldn't feel vulnerable, but based on the life that I went through I do anyways. We shouldn't have to instinctively check our surroundings for danger, be on the defensive, have to deal with these surge of emotions that we can't predict, struggle with everyday conversation, be afraid to say what we feel, want revenge for what happened to us, hide our memories in the darkest corner of our minds and be the our own Cerberus that guards our own hell, but we do not because it's a choice, but because we feel the need that we have to guard ourselves from future pain.

Sometimes a wounded animal doesn't know friend from foe and will treat them both like foe equally. We're wounded, but are making the effort to restore something that we lost because of something that happened to us without our consent. PTSD is a lifetime disorder. We would like a cure, but we'll settle for the treatment that can at least give us a part of what we lost and manage the rest. I don't open up because it's easy for me. It hurts like hell every time I do. But I reached that point in my life to where If I don't open up I'll just implode. And if I open up it relieves some of that pressure. I'm essentially backed in a corner, and the only direction I can go is forward. And my mentality has become either move out of the way, help out, or get the blast. Sure I feel like giving up most of the time, like I want to disappear from my problems, but instinctively I want to make it through.

The best thing about these forums is I can move forward and we help each other along. We want the same thing, but we also know we can't do it alone so we divide the burden amongst each other and move. I'm glad you came on these forums to understand what we are going through, and in essence what your loved one is going through. Hopefully through what we all shared with those willing to learn you can be prepared for the long road ahead.

Just remember we don't get what we deserve, when the world has a problem with us it becomes our problem whether we want it to or not, and anything we haven't done in a long time because we had to survive instead of live will always make us vulnerable.
 
The information that you have shared has given me a lot of insight regarding my SO, Im not necessarily saying that the situations are exact, but iit gives me some perspective and explanition to some of the more recent events. I hope that the time might come where him and i can really talk about his struggles, but im pushing ( i now know better). I just have to learn better patience and more understanding. I just wish i would have found this site earlier... It might have saved me a lot of heartache.

As far as being on the defensive and trying to protect yourself, I think everyone does that to a degree. No one want to be hurt, it sucks, and we all look for ways to keep it from it happening, but there are times when we let our guard down, let people in, and it doesnt always end well............. what's that saying again???? better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all........

But i imagine that after someone is hurt time and time and time again, you start really putting up some barriors, like "great wall of china" kinda barriors... and you just exist, or in your words... survive.

my mentality has become either move out of the way, help out, or get the blast.quote]

I like how you put that, ive been there myself.......many times...lol
 
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