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Sufferer New Here-i Am Quitting Therapy And Need Advice

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marken

New Here
Hi,
I wanted to introduce myself. I won't get into the details now but I really need honest opinions. I have seen the same therapist for 3 years, most of the time 2x a week. I have a trauma background and am working very hard to get better. I suffer from anxiety, panic, depression, derealization, and ED. I started to get better but have sort of struggled in a big way the past 2 months.

Up until a few weeks ago my therapist and I had an understanding. If things got too bad between sessions, I could email and he would reply with a simple "I'm sorry things aren't going well. Lets talk about it at out next session" or something similar. That was enough to make me feel not alone (as I have no support network I feel comfortable with). Sometimes I would go weeks with no need for support between sessions, sometimes I had to reach out several times. But as soon as I got a reply I was ok. He told me he understood my need for this knowing my story and he did not mind.

A couple of weeks ago he stopped responding. This immediately sent me into a huge panic as I had been struggling anyway. The next session he told me that I could reach out but he would not respond as he had very limited availability. I was really crushed. It is VERY hard for me to trust anyone and to reach out for help is something I just don't do. I couldn't believe he would do this without having a discussion about this first and helping me find alternative means of support if he was no longer available. Especially since I have been having thoughts of just not wanting to live anymore.

I got very angry with him at our last session (NOT something I have ever done before but I was just hurt beyond words). He is on vacation this week and I am not going back. Am I wrong to feel so upset at the way this was handled? I can't thank you enough for honest opinions. I feel abandoned.
 
Your feelings can never be 'wrong'.

This has been handled badly I agree, but it may be a case of your therapist taking a step back (though this should have been discussed with you in depth first) at some point in time you will need to learn to handle these times of anxiety alone, your therapist wont be there forever.
So perhaps that is their thought.

However I think they're an arse for not preparing you properly for it.

Just start reaching out here when you feel like that instead, there's always someone around that can offer a friendly word of encouragement.

Welcome to the community btw!!
 
From what you've written, I think you're overreacting.

I wouldn't say wrong to be upset, but sometimes life happens (power out, sick with the flu, kid in hospital, cancer treatments, change in jobs, etc.) and demanding that your therapist never have anything to wrong in their lives and need a little compassion/understanding? To quit working with someone you've been working with for 3 years because they made one mistake? Yes. I'd classify that as an overreaction.

If this were a new relationship, or a pattern of behavior in a long time relationship, my answer would be different. But, especially as "you couldn't believe" he'd do this? Even had a list of expectations based on how he usually handles things? Actually shows that there's both been quite a lot of trust built up, and that things have been handled so well in the past that any mishandling at all has shocked you. That's even more of a reason to stay, not go.

Would it have been better to discuss ahead of time "what if" (he's unavailable) when you message him? Absolutely.

Would it have been better to not immediately shift into contact me but my availability is limited, so I won't be able to respond as I have been, following him being unexpectedly unavailable? Clearly. ((Although that may well not have been possible. I can think of roughly 200 possibilities why someone's availability would suddenly shift in such a way that they can no longer guarantee a response, that are completely outside of their control / unplanned. And once they start? Are likely to continue.)) But whether born of necessity, or something he'd been planning on doing anyway so he judged making a clean shift to be better than back and forth? From what you've written it sounds like not going back is a) throwing the baby out with the bathwater & b) missing an opportunity to work on several things with someone you already have a solid history with (making mistakes, being angry, trust, moving past those things, etc.).
 
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Thanks so much for your reply. I understand if that was his intent, but to just spring it on me in a time that he knows I am massively struggling with no suggestion of other resources was a lot for me to handle. I don't trust him at all now. Thanks for the offer to reach out here. That definitely helps :)
 
Thanks Friday.

I have a very hard time trusting people and this put up huge red flags for me. I don't want to get hurt or depend on something that isn't real. Believe me, I am about the least demanding person on the planet but I don't want to put my trust in someone and get hurt. I am really struggling right now aside from the issue with the therapist.
 
I am mostly dealing with being pretty severely depressed and looking for a reason to keep going. Life is just so painful right now I want to give up.

I have been trying to work through the PTSD, panic attacks, anxiety and the eating disorder and thought I had a handle on it. But the past 2 months have been hell.
 
Oh depression is the WORST huh?

Anxiety and panic I can talk myself down (given I catch them before they progress too far) but there's no talking yourself out of that black hole of depression.

I can sit and stare at a wall for days without ever thinking of food or water once, so i can truly empathise.

Are you on medication at all?
I'm not a huge fan of it but some cases just really call for meds, especially while in active therapy.

I hate when people me offer this advice when I'm too down to even dress but if you can manage it, get up and out of the house.
Go for a walk, preferably somewhere green and leafy.
Force yourself to eat.

Do you sleep ok?
 
I don't want to get hurt or depend on something that isn't real.
The relationship we have with out T is real, but it has limits and your T's limit has changed. Yes, he handled it poorly but I do agree that if he's been solid and reliable up until now I'd be cutting him some slack and trying to understand why things have changed.

You just don't know what happened during that week for him to realise he's not able to offer a commitment to reply to email. While you just need one short reply to an email, he may have 12 clients who need the same thing and of they all are in crisis at the same time, you can see the amount of out of session time he'd be spending replying to clients. That isn't to say your need for support is wrong, not at all, but that part of your support needs to come from somewhere else.

If he's been steady and secure for you for 3 years, I think leaving is an overreaction. Think of the work you'll need to build a relationship with a new T, putting that energy into repairing things with someone who, by your own admission has been there for you, might help you in building and maintaining trusting relationships outside of therapy.
 
Mary: depression is the worst. I tried antidepressants (after much coaxing) but had awful side affects. The dr. told me to stop cold turkey and I went through awful withdrawal. I am too scared to try anything else now. I try to get out for a walk but that can be a struggle. No, I don't sleep well.

Suzetig: I just can't get past the feeling that he doesn't care. I am feeling pretty emotionally fragile right now and literally have no one else to talk to. He knows that. I am sure my overreaction is because I have no reserve left right now.
 
You sound at the end of your tether, I wonder if just meeting him to talk through how this has felt for you and exploring your outside support options might help? Having no reserves left doesn't seem like the best time to take away a support that's worked for you before.
 
Suzetig: I did discuss my feelings at my last appt before he left on vacation. I never get angry at anyone and hate conflict, but I was angry the way this was handled. I told him that I was angry and hurt and did not trust him at all anymore. That he knew how badly I have been doing and to just do this without a conversation or help with other resources was just not right.

This is not a matter of me not being understanding of his needs. This is a matter me barely holding on and desperately needing help and he knows it. Yet he shrugged his shoulders and said he had no idea what I was going to do because he had limited availability. No help with any outside resources or anything- and he knows that I am barely holding on right now.
 
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