Peer support subsequent to trauma contributes to full recovery

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New Here - Long Distance Relationship with PTSD

Discussion in 'Supporter General Discussion' started by blueeyedgirl, Jan 29, 2008.

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  1. ty kathy. i just hate seeing people go thru this pattern, its soooo hard to try to show them what its like from the 'outside'.
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  3. samsara

    samsara Active Member

    Sorry babe, he's playing games. He is being a selfish nightmare, and it's almost like he's getting off on making you feel as down as him -- that's not your shit, it's his.

    Listen, I think the reason you can't get on with your new career life is because your head is so obsessed with what he is doing, how he is feeling, when he will next call, what does that message mean etc etc. I have been in your position, and as soon as I decided to look around at my life, I relised I was so much better off without him. I grieved, I got sad, Depressed for a while. But I kept busy, and discovered life again and I'm sooo happy for it. I am a sucess now, career wise, physically, mentally. It was only after I left that guy that another door opened a year later to the guy I love now, and has PTSD, and he always treats me with respect and allows for my insecurities and respects my need for communication.

    YOU DESERVE BETTER. Concentrate on yourself. If it is meant to be, he will sort his shit out, but I recommend you leave him for now, and concentrate on yourself -- he's making you feel like shit and you don't deserve to. Take some responsibility for your own happiness babe.
  4. blueeyedgirl

    blueeyedgirl Member

    Thank you Samsara!

    Well, I did hear from him last night...

    About 3 weeks ago, I'd sent him a text asking him to just let me know he's ok.

    LAST NIGHT he msgs me, "Still alive here, thanks for asking"

    I didn't know how to respond.... I mean, THREE weeks? It's like he wants to ignore the fact that he's been MIA and just move on. So, I responded, "k". Was that mean???
  5. Nicolette

    Nicolette ♡ Supporter Admin ♡
    Supporter Admin

    No, Blueeyedgirl, saying you are ok only is not mean.

    The question I ask you is this (which I have asked you before).... is this really the type of relationship you want? Do you deserve a text message once every 3 weeks or do you deserve more? You have a say in this relationship too!

    Sorry to be so harsh but I honestly think you need to seriously ask yourself these questions. I understand love and all that entails but at what price? You only have one shot at life so please think about your happiness too.
  6. blueeyedgirl

    blueeyedgirl Member

    I know that I deserve more. And if this is what a relationship with him means, than I don't want it. However, I did have a relationship with him (when we first met, before I moved away) that was healthy and open. It only seems like his ptsd has worsened to such a degree that makes it impossible to have a healthy relationship at this point.

    The thing is, I remember those good times before the ptsd got bad and really started to show, and I know that he can be a really kind person. We had fun and it was great. But, little by little, he's changed into this person that I don't necessarily like all the time.

    Even still, I do care...too much. And I want the best for him. I want him to get healthy. And if he does call (bc I'm not going to), then I'm going to tell him straight out that he needs therapy. Meds only mask the issue, making him think he's fine. And, obviously he's not.
  7. samsara

    samsara Active Member

    Nostalgia can play some awful tricks on us when it comes to wanting love and wanting to be loved. What he used to be like and what he is capable of being like and what he is actually like appear to be particularly divorced from one another. Don't do that lame woman thing we all do - "Oh but he used to be so sweet, we used to be great" Wise up, it's past tense, full stop.

    You really need to give your life where you are a good shot. stop worrying about him, he's being a game playing prick. PTSD or not, the way he is behaving is just pain immature and attention/pity seeking.You really need to concentrate on your own life. Start looking after yourself, wallowing in the possibilities of what could have been will leave you emotionally paralysed, it's not worth it. Look after yourself, to be blunt -- Get your own life and start to enjoy it. Sounds like you have a great job there, you're still quite young and there are endless possibilities there, start a yoga class, photography class, a sport, anything to get your mind off him and meet new people in this new lease on life you have.

    Pay reverence to what Nicolette above me mentioned, you only get one chance at this thing called life and its up to you to enjoy it for all it's worth. There is a better man out there for you, there really really is. Now concentrate on your life there, I bet you really have not given it a proper shot because you have been so caught up in your boyfriends selfish manipulative world. he's no good for you or anyone right now. Don't wait in hope, do something about yourself, you're worth more than this crap.

    As Beth Orton so eloquently put it in her song Comfort of Strangers:

    "I'd rather have no love than messing with the wrong stuff".

    Nuff said.
  8. Nicolette

    Nicolette ♡ Supporter Admin ♡
    Supporter Admin

    Good and valid points Samsara. I agree with a lot of what you have written.

    Personally though, the one differring thought I do have is that I believe "it is better to have loved than not loved at all" and receiving love is a wonderful thing. I do not however encourage staying in a relationship where you are not treated with respect nor have any of your needs met. If someone truely loved you they would not treat you like a doormat unless they have a really warped way of showing it.
  9. blueeyedgirl

    blueeyedgirl Member

    Well I did it!

    I sent him an email telling him to go to therapy. Told him that he didn't need a relationship. Told him that he needs ... well heck, I'm so proud of it is!

    "I'd call, but I honestly don't feel like it. This is really more than you deserve from me. So, let's call this closure.

    Am I still moving down? Does it matter? I asked, but of course you chose not to respond.

    You: Said you wanted to try again. Said nice things. Things that made me smile. Little by little, you stopped saying those nice things. Until you did stop. Only to respond to a concern for your well-being weeks later. Weeks way too late for me. Go to therapy. Medication alone is not a solution. Learn to like yourself. Learn to like others. Learn to stop being angry. Learn to be happy alone. Learn to give more than you take. Maybe then, you will be ready for anything close to what a relationship requires. Because, in the world of adult relationships, open communication, giving and compromise are necessities.

    I'm sure the very thought of doing the things said above will make you want to do the opposite. But, just know that your unhappiness is ultimately your responsibility."

    Thanks to you all for giving me the strength to say these things!!
  10. Nicolette

    Nicolette ♡ Supporter Admin ♡
    Supporter Admin

    Well done Blueeyedgirl in making a decision. While you now have said your peace, it is important that you follow through and look after yourself. If it is closure, then take the time to find it for yourself and move on...if that is what you truly want.

    Take care.
  11. blueeyedgirl

    blueeyedgirl Member

    i have to admit - it *is* closure for long as it's closure for him. meaning, there is part of me that is waiting for him to come back around. i wish that there wasn't. but, because it's been 2 yrs of back and forth, part of me wonders if it really is over... and, if he really does love me, wouldn't he fight to keep me? or is the ptsd too strong? ugh, i dunno...

    ...not to mention, i just got laid off, so now i'm moving back to georgia in three weeks and only hrs away from him by car. i've not told him.
  12. samsara

    samsara Active Member


    I got all choked up with pride for you. You must feel like you've taken your self respect back, I bet it feels strong!.

    That is excellent. Don't let him manipulate that either. He may do it with silence or words. Just be sure of your decision and move on into your life there. Sounds like you have some great opportunities you need to explore.

    WELL DONE! xxxxx
  13. samsara

    samsara Active Member

    PS> You don't need to tell him you are moving back. It's of no concern to him.
    concentrate on yourself. Are you sure you need to move back? It's a big deal and very unsettling if unnecessary. Maybe you could find another job there?
    Or go to a city you have never been to and always wanted to, Have a new adventure, start afresh?
    The last two years may have been about him. Now it's time to stop him dictating what and where you go. It's your life now, enjoy it and nourish your spirit.
  14. blueeyedgirl

    blueeyedgirl Member

    Wow, you sound as if you know exactly what I've been feeling! Because, yes, I have to admit, the past two years since I've been here in Boston...well, they have largely been about him. So much so, that I've been unable to truly find a life for myself here. But, I also cannot deny that acclimating here has been extremely hard. I'm a Southern girl. That may not mean much to you in Australia, but consider moving to some place in northern Europe! Very cold, very different, and you don't know a soul. Not only that, but no one really cares to know you. That's been my life for two years!

    I'm not close to my family, but I do have a few extremely good friends in Georgia. They are my family. So, I'm going back there. Actually, a girlfriend of mine is actually willing to break her lease just to get a place with me!

    My moving has nothing to do with him. Although, I cannot help but think about how/if things would change once the distance is gone. But, that's really moot at this point...because he DOES need therapy. And, thank you for your words of encouragement! I simply couldn't wait for another month or so until I hear from him again to tell him what is so obvious. I just hope he listens...

    Thank you again! :)
  15. Cowgirl

    Cowgirl Active Member

    Good for you, to look after yourself. PTSD does not have to mean a complete unavailability to a relationship, as it has with him. From your descriptions, I think he has more problems than "just" PTSD. I'm going to give you some unsolicited advice, though. Do not move near him. Do not seek out his haunts. Do not feed and nourish that part of you which hopes to rekindle anything with him. Instead, understand that you will grieve the loss of the relationship, even though it hasn't been happy and healthy for a long while. Give yourself some time to grieve, and time to heal. Don't launch into another relationship, but be open to casual dating. Get out and do things you really enjoy. Pursue hobbies. Get involved in groups that promote those hobbies. Meet interesting people of all ages, for friendship and camaraderie, not romance. Nurture yourself. Best wishes! Cowgirl
  16. samsara

    samsara Active Member

    Could not have said it better myself cowgirl! The best advice on here.
  17. Nicolette

    Nicolette ♡ Supporter Admin ♡
    Supporter Admin

    Yes, good advice Cowgirl.
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