I've been reading through this forum for awhile, and thought it might help me a little to post my story.
My ex and I met 10 years ago when he had just joined the military-he was 19. He left for Iraq right after 9/11 and we never saw each other again-although we did keep in contact for 10 years off and on. There were always feelings between us but we never acted on them. He has been in combat 3 times since then, the last time was last year for 10 months. He is now in the reserves.
A few months ago we started talking again right before be was to go to Afghanistan as private security. During his time there things finally came together and we completely fell for each other. We talked constantly, first through texting and then phone and finally video. We learned so much about each other and had so many things in common. He would tell me that he never felt anything like this before, that I was always right there and he never knew it, that he'd always cared about me since we first met. He was excited that we were together, and so happy that someone finally got him. He said he felt safe with me and comfortable in a way he's never felt before. When I would ask if we were rushing things he'd say, yes if we had just met. But that he's known me and wanted me for 10 years so no, not rushing. We spent a whole afternoon getting the courage via video to say those words.... He finally said I truly love you and we couldn't stop saying it after that. He bought me tickets to come see him when he got home, and we made plans for him to spend a few weeks here at Christmas and then we were going to go somewhere crazy for New Years, like NYC or New Orleans.
He found out that he was leaving early because he did not agree with what was being done there, so he resigned. He called me and said he wanted to come see me before going home. He said he couldn't wait anymore and I was the only thing getting him through where he was. A few weeks later he left Afghan, flew to Dubai, and then to wear he lives, only to turn around and take a flight to where I 6 hours later (he had to re-route from his home to mine cause they would t change his flight info).
That's where things start to change. The whole way here he was texting and calling saying how much he loved me and couldn't wait to start a life with me. When he got here he looked happy but very tired. We stayed in a hotel where he was affectionate but maybe not very communicative. Awhile later he was gone. It's like he just became someone else. He started to develop flu-like symptoms and then told me something was wrong. He said he felt very detached and distant, he couldn't feel feelings for me like he was numb, and he felt like he should be doing something. He started to change everything around, now instead of saying its been 10 years and we need to make up that time to saying we havnt seen each other in 10 years. He said that whenever he's come home from deployment, he was always slowly integrated back into civilian world by the army, and didnt realize how important that was until he came straight here and didn't have any military support. He said he wanted to go home to talk to someone and figure out what was going on. He said he thought it was PTSD-he's someone who reads alot, has an interest in psychology and wants to be a counselor for vets. So i figured he kinda had an idea what was going on. At one point I offered to leave him alone for a bit to give him spa e, but he got a confused look on his face and said he didn't understand why I was trying to leave. He wanted to know why I just couldn't sit next to him and just "be". The next day we went to my apartment and after opening a bottle of Jameson, he actually relaxed a little and started to joke around, even pulling me onto his chest to relax-and that was before being drunk. The next day tho he was ice again. Left me saying that maybe we were together so I could learn to open myself up to someone else. And this was 3 days after he told me he wanted me in his life forever and if I would ever give up my last babe for his.
Since then its been a little over a month and not much change. I sent him an email when he got home just saying I was there for him. He texted a few days later but sounded so normal that I got a little confused and hurt, kind of shut down in him. He said he was confused I was acting like that and shut down himself. A week later he texted me that he knows he hurt me and he's truly sorry, that he never said he didn't care just couldn't commit. When I asked him why that changed when he got here he just said not sure. He also said that emotions and feelings are too hard to talk about right now. I messed up and did what we usually do, text and email alot instead of leaving them alone. I know now what a mistake that was, but all he told me in afghan was how good it felt to have someone really care about him and he's never felt that before -so I was trying to still do that. He won't talk to me on the phone, except for one time when he was pissed that I wouldn't stop texting him. Says it didn't feel right when he got here and he doesn't know why, that he needs space to figure it out.
We had it out the other night-I told him I finally got it and would leave him alone-he asked why I have to be so crazy and can't I just be patient-that if I truly cared about him I would. But in the sane conversation said that he can't love anyone right now, and he doesn't have those feelings for me, he's sorry. I tried to get him to see how something is wrong if he loved me so much and then the SAME DAY turned cold and distant. That that's not normal. He doesn't really answer when I say those things. The last thing we talked about over a week ago was that I havnt respected him and given him space... And I kno I was wrong for that. I have just been so confused and hurt. I feel like I lost my best friend.
It's so much more confusing cause we actually had a real friendship for 10 years-not just this relationship. And now he can't even talk to me AT ALL. It hurts alot. And I miss him so much. He's like a completely different person-almost like the man I know and love was left behind in afghan and just never showed up-sending this person in his place. He told me when he was angry that maybe it was just the thought of me for 10 years and not real feelings, and that maybe afghan was just afghan-pretty much taking back everything I knew to be true about us. But when I called him on that one day he said I JUST NEEDED SOME SPACE. At one point i told him that a friend of mine says he just sounded lonely in afghan and i finally figured that out-he got mad and said I didn't figure out s@$t, don't kno him or what he's been through.
So that's where I'm at now. Havnt talked to him in about 1 1/2 weeks-sent him a text a few days ago letting him kno I'm trying to learn about what he's gone through and continues to deal with-that I value our friendship and will always be his friend, no matter what. I said that he was partly right that i only know the him he let me see, but theres a side of him and what hes been thru that i dont know at all.... that maybe he can share it with me one day. He didn't respond. He said he wanted to speak to someone but I don't know if he is. I know nothing about his life anymore. It's hard cause he asks me for patience and space, but then says something like he may never have cared about me. I'm so lost right now. Sorry that this was so long.... It's been a few months of being pent up flooding out..... Any comments would be greatly appreciated :)
My ex and I met 10 years ago when he had just joined the military-he was 19. He left for Iraq right after 9/11 and we never saw each other again-although we did keep in contact for 10 years off and on. There were always feelings between us but we never acted on them. He has been in combat 3 times since then, the last time was last year for 10 months. He is now in the reserves.
A few months ago we started talking again right before be was to go to Afghanistan as private security. During his time there things finally came together and we completely fell for each other. We talked constantly, first through texting and then phone and finally video. We learned so much about each other and had so many things in common. He would tell me that he never felt anything like this before, that I was always right there and he never knew it, that he'd always cared about me since we first met. He was excited that we were together, and so happy that someone finally got him. He said he felt safe with me and comfortable in a way he's never felt before. When I would ask if we were rushing things he'd say, yes if we had just met. But that he's known me and wanted me for 10 years so no, not rushing. We spent a whole afternoon getting the courage via video to say those words.... He finally said I truly love you and we couldn't stop saying it after that. He bought me tickets to come see him when he got home, and we made plans for him to spend a few weeks here at Christmas and then we were going to go somewhere crazy for New Years, like NYC or New Orleans.
He found out that he was leaving early because he did not agree with what was being done there, so he resigned. He called me and said he wanted to come see me before going home. He said he couldn't wait anymore and I was the only thing getting him through where he was. A few weeks later he left Afghan, flew to Dubai, and then to wear he lives, only to turn around and take a flight to where I 6 hours later (he had to re-route from his home to mine cause they would t change his flight info).
That's where things start to change. The whole way here he was texting and calling saying how much he loved me and couldn't wait to start a life with me. When he got here he looked happy but very tired. We stayed in a hotel where he was affectionate but maybe not very communicative. Awhile later he was gone. It's like he just became someone else. He started to develop flu-like symptoms and then told me something was wrong. He said he felt very detached and distant, he couldn't feel feelings for me like he was numb, and he felt like he should be doing something. He started to change everything around, now instead of saying its been 10 years and we need to make up that time to saying we havnt seen each other in 10 years. He said that whenever he's come home from deployment, he was always slowly integrated back into civilian world by the army, and didnt realize how important that was until he came straight here and didn't have any military support. He said he wanted to go home to talk to someone and figure out what was going on. He said he thought it was PTSD-he's someone who reads alot, has an interest in psychology and wants to be a counselor for vets. So i figured he kinda had an idea what was going on. At one point I offered to leave him alone for a bit to give him spa e, but he got a confused look on his face and said he didn't understand why I was trying to leave. He wanted to know why I just couldn't sit next to him and just "be". The next day we went to my apartment and after opening a bottle of Jameson, he actually relaxed a little and started to joke around, even pulling me onto his chest to relax-and that was before being drunk. The next day tho he was ice again. Left me saying that maybe we were together so I could learn to open myself up to someone else. And this was 3 days after he told me he wanted me in his life forever and if I would ever give up my last babe for his.
Since then its been a little over a month and not much change. I sent him an email when he got home just saying I was there for him. He texted a few days later but sounded so normal that I got a little confused and hurt, kind of shut down in him. He said he was confused I was acting like that and shut down himself. A week later he texted me that he knows he hurt me and he's truly sorry, that he never said he didn't care just couldn't commit. When I asked him why that changed when he got here he just said not sure. He also said that emotions and feelings are too hard to talk about right now. I messed up and did what we usually do, text and email alot instead of leaving them alone. I know now what a mistake that was, but all he told me in afghan was how good it felt to have someone really care about him and he's never felt that before -so I was trying to still do that. He won't talk to me on the phone, except for one time when he was pissed that I wouldn't stop texting him. Says it didn't feel right when he got here and he doesn't know why, that he needs space to figure it out.
We had it out the other night-I told him I finally got it and would leave him alone-he asked why I have to be so crazy and can't I just be patient-that if I truly cared about him I would. But in the sane conversation said that he can't love anyone right now, and he doesn't have those feelings for me, he's sorry. I tried to get him to see how something is wrong if he loved me so much and then the SAME DAY turned cold and distant. That that's not normal. He doesn't really answer when I say those things. The last thing we talked about over a week ago was that I havnt respected him and given him space... And I kno I was wrong for that. I have just been so confused and hurt. I feel like I lost my best friend.
It's so much more confusing cause we actually had a real friendship for 10 years-not just this relationship. And now he can't even talk to me AT ALL. It hurts alot. And I miss him so much. He's like a completely different person-almost like the man I know and love was left behind in afghan and just never showed up-sending this person in his place. He told me when he was angry that maybe it was just the thought of me for 10 years and not real feelings, and that maybe afghan was just afghan-pretty much taking back everything I knew to be true about us. But when I called him on that one day he said I JUST NEEDED SOME SPACE. At one point i told him that a friend of mine says he just sounded lonely in afghan and i finally figured that out-he got mad and said I didn't figure out s@$t, don't kno him or what he's been through.
So that's where I'm at now. Havnt talked to him in about 1 1/2 weeks-sent him a text a few days ago letting him kno I'm trying to learn about what he's gone through and continues to deal with-that I value our friendship and will always be his friend, no matter what. I said that he was partly right that i only know the him he let me see, but theres a side of him and what hes been thru that i dont know at all.... that maybe he can share it with me one day. He didn't respond. He said he wanted to speak to someone but I don't know if he is. I know nothing about his life anymore. It's hard cause he asks me for patience and space, but then says something like he may never have cared about me. I'm so lost right now. Sorry that this was so long.... It's been a few months of being pent up flooding out..... Any comments would be greatly appreciated :)