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Relationship New Here.... My Complicated Story About Ex's Ptsd....

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Saec

Learning
I've been reading through this forum for awhile, and thought it might help me a little to post my story.

My ex and I met 10 years ago when he had just joined the military-he was 19. He left for Iraq right after 9/11 and we never saw each other again-although we did keep in contact for 10 years off and on. There were always feelings between us but we never acted on them. He has been in combat 3 times since then, the last time was last year for 10 months. He is now in the reserves.

A few months ago we started talking again right before be was to go to Afghanistan as private security. During his time there things finally came together and we completely fell for each other. We talked constantly, first through texting and then phone and finally video. We learned so much about each other and had so many things in common. He would tell me that he never felt anything like this before, that I was always right there and he never knew it, that he'd always cared about me since we first met. He was excited that we were together, and so happy that someone finally got him. He said he felt safe with me and comfortable in a way he's never felt before. When I would ask if we were rushing things he'd say, yes if we had just met. But that he's known me and wanted me for 10 years so no, not rushing. We spent a whole afternoon getting the courage via video to say those words.... He finally said I truly love you and we couldn't stop saying it after that. He bought me tickets to come see him when he got home, and we made plans for him to spend a few weeks here at Christmas and then we were going to go somewhere crazy for New Years, like NYC or New Orleans.

He found out that he was leaving early because he did not agree with what was being done there, so he resigned. He called me and said he wanted to come see me before going home. He said he couldn't wait anymore and I was the only thing getting him through where he was. A few weeks later he left Afghan, flew to Dubai, and then to wear he lives, only to turn around and take a flight to where I 6 hours later (he had to re-route from his home to mine cause they would t change his flight info).

That's where things start to change. The whole way here he was texting and calling saying how much he loved me and couldn't wait to start a life with me. When he got here he looked happy but very tired. We stayed in a hotel where he was affectionate but maybe not very communicative. Awhile later he was gone. It's like he just became someone else. He started to develop flu-like symptoms and then told me something was wrong. He said he felt very detached and distant, he couldn't feel feelings for me like he was numb, and he felt like he should be doing something. He started to change everything around, now instead of saying its been 10 years and we need to make up that time to saying we havnt seen each other in 10 years. He said that whenever he's come home from deployment, he was always slowly integrated back into civilian world by the army, and didnt realize how important that was until he came straight here and didn't have any military support. He said he wanted to go home to talk to someone and figure out what was going on. He said he thought it was PTSD-he's someone who reads alot, has an interest in psychology and wants to be a counselor for vets. So i figured he kinda had an idea what was going on. At one point I offered to leave him alone for a bit to give him spa e, but he got a confused look on his face and said he didn't understand why I was trying to leave. He wanted to know why I just couldn't sit next to him and just "be". The next day we went to my apartment and after opening a bottle of Jameson, he actually relaxed a little and started to joke around, even pulling me onto his chest to relax-and that was before being drunk. The next day tho he was ice again. Left me saying that maybe we were together so I could learn to open myself up to someone else. And this was 3 days after he told me he wanted me in his life forever and if I would ever give up my last babe for his.

Since then its been a little over a month and not much change. I sent him an email when he got home just saying I was there for him. He texted a few days later but sounded so normal that I got a little confused and hurt, kind of shut down in him. He said he was confused I was acting like that and shut down himself. A week later he texted me that he knows he hurt me and he's truly sorry, that he never said he didn't care just couldn't commit. When I asked him why that changed when he got here he just said not sure. He also said that emotions and feelings are too hard to talk about right now. I messed up and did what we usually do, text and email alot instead of leaving them alone. I know now what a mistake that was, but all he told me in afghan was how good it felt to have someone really care about him and he's never felt that before -so I was trying to still do that. He won't talk to me on the phone, except for one time when he was pissed that I wouldn't stop texting him. Says it didn't feel right when he got here and he doesn't know why, that he needs space to figure it out.

We had it out the other night-I told him I finally got it and would leave him alone-he asked why I have to be so crazy and can't I just be patient-that if I truly cared about him I would. But in the sane conversation said that he can't love anyone right now, and he doesn't have those feelings for me, he's sorry. I tried to get him to see how something is wrong if he loved me so much and then the SAME DAY turned cold and distant. That that's not normal. He doesn't really answer when I say those things. The last thing we talked about over a week ago was that I havnt respected him and given him space... And I kno I was wrong for that. I have just been so confused and hurt. I feel like I lost my best friend.

It's so much more confusing cause we actually had a real friendship for 10 years-not just this relationship. And now he can't even talk to me AT ALL. It hurts alot. And I miss him so much. He's like a completely different person-almost like the man I know and love was left behind in afghan and just never showed up-sending this person in his place. He told me when he was angry that maybe it was just the thought of me for 10 years and not real feelings, and that maybe afghan was just afghan-pretty much taking back everything I knew to be true about us. But when I called him on that one day he said I JUST NEEDED SOME SPACE. At one point i told him that a friend of mine says he just sounded lonely in afghan and i finally figured that out-he got mad and said I didn't figure out s@$t, don't kno him or what he's been through.

So that's where I'm at now. Havnt talked to him in about 1 1/2 weeks-sent him a text a few days ago letting him kno I'm trying to learn about what he's gone through and continues to deal with-that I value our friendship and will always be his friend, no matter what. I said that he was partly right that i only know the him he let me see, but theres a side of him and what hes been thru that i dont know at all.... that maybe he can share it with me one day. He didn't respond. He said he wanted to speak to someone but I don't know if he is. I know nothing about his life anymore. It's hard cause he asks me for patience and space, but then says something like he may never have cared about me. I'm so lost right now. Sorry that this was so long.... It's been a few months of being pent up flooding out..... Any comments would be greatly appreciated :)
 
I think it might be best to let them heal at their own pace. You can't rush it. I view my guy as having actual brain damage/injury...you can't force healing. When my guy doesn't feel good, I step back and let him heal in God's hands. That is the best place for him. I am no match for God's healing.

Sincerely,
Dallas.
 
Whoops... Sorry about above. Anyway, just got off the phone with him. It's pretty much over. He called me to tell me to leave him alone.... I told him that I just sent a message to make sure he was ok and that I was here for him. He said space is no contact whatsoever. I tried to explain why all this was so hard for me.... He doesn't care. When I brought up our time together during Afghan he said he doesn't even know what that was, basically denying he ever cared.

He said I killed anything we had because I couldn't give him space. I told him I he really cared then he would understand why it was so hard for me and not just stop caring about me cause I couldn't do what he asked. I said that we don't talk to each other like this, and that the him I knew would never talk to me like this, or want to.... He said he does when backed into a corner. I asked if he could ever understand my side of things, that I lost something too with no explanation and he said not right now.

So I feel awful.... I know I pushed him but I missed him so much. I do miss him so much. But when I ask him if he misses any part if why we had he says he doesn't even think about it, he has so much else going on. At one point I said remember you told me that nothing I could do would push you away or scare you away ever.... And he said "I was wrong".

Asked him why he doesn't want someone there who loves him and would do anything for him.... He said he doesn't want that right now. There's nothing I can do anymore. Especially when he says he doesn't know what that was in afghan.... And he sounds like he believes it. That his feelings for me are just gone.
 
Aye yi yi.....

He's really messed up. You can't trust what he says cos he doesn't even know himself.

You definitely need to let him be, but don't expect anything. He may have had issues before going in the military as well - war just adds to it.

Sounds like he needs to sort out his own life. It's hard to stay away and not think about it, but you need to focus on your future and not by his empty promises.
 
Thanks for the reply... I thought I may just be going crazy. I couldn't get him to see my side for ANYTHING, where normally most people could be like, I understand but you need to back off. He dies have other issues. Told me while I'm Afghan that his stepmother used to verbally abuse him and make him feel like nothing as a kid until he had no self esteem... And his dad didnt do anything to help it. So after high school he joined the army to become something. So those issues are still there.

So after this knock down dragged out fight, I texted him a few things to day goodbye. He ignored them of course, but when I wrote one thing about it hurts so bad and its a pain I hope he never goes through.... He texted: times it by 10 and you might know a little of what I went thru overseas. So I asked if he'd ever be able to share any of it with me in the future and he said I don't know. But how shocked was I that he actually wrote something....and it was something about the army even if it was just a tiny thought. Not something meAn like I said leave me the hell alone.... Something to help give me insight?

So I thanked him for opening up a tiny bit, told him I would try to be a better friend in the future by giving him what he needs (space) and asked him to let me kno he was ok every once in awhile and left it at that. I'm still really hurt by the comment that afghan wasn't real. Not sure if he truly believes that or not.... He really sounded like he did. But I know I can't do anything else. He wants to be left alone.
 
He said I killed anything we had because I couldn't give him space.
Wow, that's a PTSD comment if I've ever heard one. Saec you have not killed anything - the illness he has is preventing him from being able to act in what one would consider a normal and rational manner. It is hard for him too and I am sure he is in a lot of pain.

The cruel reality is that you have to decide whether you can deal with such 'lashings' while he struggles. He may also not let you in even if you decide you can. It doesn't sound like he is currently capable of giving you want you are wanting which is a really difficult position to be in. I wish you both well as it is a tough gig and not for the fainthearted.
 
It's hard... He doesn't understand my strong reactions to what has happened in the last month. We talked once more a few hours ago and I asked him why he feels afghan and what we had isn't real. He said he can't explain. I asked him If its due to what he's dealing with that maybe he's shutting off emotions to me..... Or does he think he really doesn't care about me. That if i had given him space would he care about me now. He said he doesn't know. He just knows he does not feel that way for me right now. That that is why he wants to see someone and try to figure everything out.... Cause he has no answers to any of my questions.

I won't have to worry about trying to go through it with him..... He made VERY clear that he want me to leave him COMPLETELY alone.... No contact whatsoever. For what sounds like a few months. It hurts a lot. I asked if he ever thought he might have feelings back for me in the future.... Says he doesn't know, and doesn't know the future. I told him that it worries me cause he doesn't seem to be the kind of guy who can forgive and forget once he thinks you betrayed or disrespected him.

He told me that maybe I need counseling for my extreme emotions. I told him that my emotions were due to the fact that I gave him my heart and now he doesn't even seem to care about me. It ended with him saying if we were to ever even be friends I need to leave him alone for awhile. He says he has a ton of work to do on himself and so much going on right now. I guess I should be happy he at least recognizes something is wrong and wants help when so many others aren't even t that point. But it hurts.

And I miss him a lot. And now I feel like I've lost him for good.

I get so mad at myself for not giving him space when he first asked...wondering if anything would have been different. I don't know.
 
It's also difficult to think its the illness when he sounds so calm and straight forward about everything. He doesn't sound irrational or like he's not making sense. Everything sounds like he believes what he's saying and is well thought out and it's perfectly normal to feel that way. Is that how it usually is?

I'm sorry I'm so all over the place. I almost feel like maybe I am going crazy. He says that afghan wasn't real so logically that it makes me doubt it.... Even though it felt very real, as did both of our feelings. And now it almost like he thinks I'm crazy to think that those feelings should still exist? I want to believe its part of this big mess he's dealing with.... But I just am not sure about anything anymore. No matter what I was always sure those feelings for both of us were real.... Now I'm second guessing....
 
It's also difficult to think its the illness when he sounds so calm and straight forward about everything. He doesn't sound irrational or like he's not making sense. Everything sounds like he believes what he's saying and is well thought out and it's perfectly normal to feel that way. Is that how it usually is?

Hi saec

The above about says it all about a lot of things. How they think is different now to how it was pre PTSD. They say things that to us is way of line, but to them makes perfect sense. My husband came out with all sorts of crazy stuff at one time, even sitting with a knife on the kitchen table, to protect the house while I was out. It took me a while to get him to understand how wrong this was, as he could not see why it was wrong.

I think for now, hard as it is, you will have to start taking better care of yourself. If you need a counselor to help put your own thoughts into perspective, then find one.

If he has asked you to leave him alone for now, then please respect his wishes and do that. If he gets in touch with you then fine, but for now, let him have his space.

Try and go out with friends, see family who do understand, but do not sit at home waiting for the phone to ring.

Amethist
 
Thanks Amethist. I realize now I should have given him space all along, I just couldn't see past my pain and confusion. I asked him tonight if he'd ever understand that- he only said he doesn't know, not right now. His answer to everything is I don't know. It hurts that I can't help him, and it hurts that I was so close to this guy a month ago but now he thinks it was never real. Most of the threads I read about say that they say they need space but they still care.... He hasn't said he cares once since he came back except for a text that said, never said I didn't care, just can't commit. I know he def has many PTSD issues but now I'm not sure if I'm lumped into that or maybe his feelings for me really weren't real. But they sure as hell felt like it at the time.... For both of us I know. What does it sound like?
 
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