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Sufferer New Here, Not Getting Better

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ArgArg25

New Here
Hey all,

My name is actually Grace. I was diagnosed with PTSD (mild) three years ago after getting raped (although it's a very grey situation which has been difficult to deal with because of that). Since then I have been suffering from a very low self esteem and I have been raped again.

I'm dating a great guy who has overcome tragedies that are far worse than mine and he is wonderfully adjusted and very strong. He's bee supportive but I can sense he is as frustrated by my low self worth as I am. I am constantly concerned about him finding other women more attractive and leaving me and I have come to think it's because I don't deserve happiness. I'm trying to not sound whiny, but maybe you guys have a specific thread with suggestions or experience that is similar? I'm trying so hard to love myself and it would kill me to ruin something because of this. It would be letting the rapists win.

Thanks all,

Grace
 
The rapists of the world want you to feel unattractive, to have low self-esteem, difficulty loving yourself, and feel like you don't deserve happiness. That's how the trauma re-programs your brain.

The greatest threat to the rapists is for you to recognize how things really are: that you are attractive, deserve self-esteem, love yourself unconditionally, and know that you deserve purpose and meaning in life.

I'll recommend a couple of books, but please browse the articles section of the forum: Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman and the PTSD Sourcebook by Schiraldi. I recommend these because I'm familiar with them; I'm sure there are many more.

Welcome to the forum!
 
Hi, and welcome to the forum! I can't think of any threads off the top of my head, but hopefully you'll get others who wander in and can give you some good advice.

I think that self-esteem issues are prevalent in PTSD. I know that its one of my biggest struggles. I'm getting to know a guy right now and this is his one complaint about me (not that he complains about it but it does affect him in a negative way, if you KWIM). It is SO hard for me to even take a simple compliment! Even simply hearing "goodnight, beautiful" makes me want to fight back and argue.

I really do want to encourage you to work on this issue (well, it already sounds like you are!) as it can indeed push people away. However, it sounds like you have a great guy right now so hopefully he's willing to work with you as you work on trying to love yourself?

I think that sometimes this is an issue that really does need to be taken in baby steps. That is, you can't just take it all in with one bite and think that self-love will overcome you and all will be peachy keen once more. I think its really about willing to look at the small things and then building those small things up into something bigger. In my case its a matter of accepting that he is being sincere when he calls me beautiful. I accept it as truth and not a manipulation or lie. (He has no reason to lie to me.) If he sees me as beautiful, then can I start to see myself as beautiful? And if so, can I have a greater self-worth? I'm not saying to build up your entire concept of self-love on what other people think, but it does give you a stepping stone on which to build those positive feelings.
 
I'm trying really hard to be patient with myself, but I've put my boyfriend through 18 months of this, I feel as if I'm running out of time. I know it's not about other people, but I have never had a healthy relationship before and I refuse to let this one end because of something other people do naturally. Has anyone ever said this to someone they were dating long term? How do I ask him to keep being patient without compromising his own happiness?
 
but I've put my boyfriend through 18 months of this, I feel as if I'm running out of time
It sounds to me like you may be manufacturing your own relationship vortex here. You are the one applying pressure to yourself it seems and putting expectations on yourself. This can well be a vicious circle. I wish you could just 'be' and leave it to your Bf to decide all by himself how bad you are. I bet his ideas are very different from yours.
How do I ask him to keep being patient without compromising his own happiness?
The Survivor's threads may well have a bunch of experiences and wisdom that may well help you sort through this.
I wish you much luck. Enjoy your stay here.
 
Hi Grace,
Welcome to the forum. I am truly sorry for what you have been through, and how it has affected you.

Your feeling of low self-esteem and feelings of not deserving happiness are truly classic symptoms of having been traumatized and abused. PTSD is a liar. It will tell you things like this. It will convince you that you are not worthy of anything good, and it is so easy for us to believe it. We have to learn to recognize it for the liar it is.

I truly hope you are able to see yourself in a different light, other than the one PTSD, and your rapist have given you.

You are deserving of happiness, and you are deserving of good things happening to you and for you. You deserve to be in a relationship with a wonderful guy, and be happy in that relationship. You are worthy of being loved.

I do hope you can learn to recognize the truth of these statements and recognize the lies of PTSD for what they are: Lies.
 
@ArgArg25 Welcome to the forum!

For many years, when my husband would compliment me or offer praise, I would find a list of reasons why "he was wrong" and put up arguments to show how "worthless" I was. What I didn't take into consideration was how hurtful this was to him, as it was devaluing what he thought of me and the importance his opinion should have in our relationship. I was choosing the words and thoughts of abusive people over his.

I honestly just didn't get it and could understand how my own viewpoint of myself could cause him distress until we got down to what he found distressful about it. Then it made sense and it was something that I realized I needed to work on, as my negative self-image was not only harmful to myself, but it was harming my relationship not only with my husband, but with my children and friends.

I will not assume this is your situation, but you should talk to your boyfriend about this and work to change this for yourself primarily. It isn't easy, but it can be done over time and something as simple as "thank you" when a compliment is given is a great first step.

I hope you find this site helpful and that you learn to see yourself as an amazing individual. Its OK to be human.
 
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