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New Memory

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Poofycat

MyPTSD Pro
I new memory came back this morning. The story of the event that caused my PTSD has been pretty unspectacular. Just a dumb girl sleeping with someone she didn't necessarily want to. Not the first or last time that happened. But this particular time just really messed me up and made me want to die every time I thought about it. Previously I remembered being outside sitting on a picnic table, then being naked in his bed with condoms on the floor, then my friend standing near the top of the stairs looking for me.

For a little while now I thought I must have wanted to use the restroom and that's how I got in the house because I know where that room is in relation to the stairs. So I was thinking about that this morning when I had a memory flash of him grabbing me around the throat and slamming me into a door jam. His fingers are right where I've had a strange feeling on my neck for a couple of months now.

It's real, right? Why would my brain make that up? Are more going to pop up? (I realize you can't actually answer any of these questions)
 
I'm really sorry that happened to you. Sometimes stuff is so awful that not remembering seems a whole lot better.

Is it real? Yeah, the odds of it being something your brain has made up, together with making up tactile flashbacks (hand on your neck) to go with it, are really really remote. And unfortunately, at some point, your brain is going to give you more detail.

I've had so many T's tell me over the years that our brain instinctively knows when we're ready to have more access to our memories - your brain decided you were ready to know that. Doesn't make it any easier.

Be gentle with yourself for now. You just learned something really awful about your past. And if you can, use it as validation for your symptoms and your suffering. They're real as well, and now you have a better understanding about why.

Talk to your T about it as well. Any T with reasonable trauma experience will understand the piecemeal way that our memories return, and will be able to support you through what is a really difficult and confronting time.
 
It's real, right? Why would my brain make that up? Are more going to pop up? (I realize you can't actually answer any of these questions)
From my experience: Yes, your memory is real, your brain is not making it up, and more about the incident may or may not pop up.

You are doing good work; allowing more to come to mind, is an important aspect of working through trauma.

In case it is helpful: therapy, was a great place for me to process memories. Due to a similar experience, I also needed to take speaking/acting voice lessons to turn around the throat trauma. And I support you to work through the memory knowing and staying true to what your memory is. (Since people you know, therapists, the perpetrator, may ask you to question your memory.) Your memory is your unique experience/perspective to process.
 
The tactile memories ( body memories ) really get me to believe.

I guess it's easier to think that we did something stupid, because that means all we have to do is *not make that mistake again*. Oops! Gosh! How dumb!
It means we made a bad decision and were in control.

If some guy overpowered you, dragged you upstairs, choked you, smacked you into things...then you were pretty helpless to stop him.
Which is a LOT scarier...a LOT less foreseeable and preventable.

Who would expect a nice day in the park (?) and a seemingly harmless guy chatting you up in a public place would turn into...THAT?!?

:hug:

Look, even if all you did was say "no," and have the guy ignore that...or even if you did not say yes?
It's your body.
People ought to get clear consent -a clear yes- before they assume they have any business getting physically sexual with you.
If they do not, that is sexual assault.
Sexual assault is ALWAYS the assailant's fault. Always.

...and I hope all that bloviating was somewhat useful :shy:
 
I felt pretty stupid posting this because they are SO MANY posts on here about recovering memories and how they're probably really. It's just so strange when it actually happens. Like my brain has been lying by omission to me for a really long time (16 years in this case).

@Stickler That's what my T said when this all came out. My narrative was always that we were both drunk and he didn't mean to do anything wrong. When my T suggested that the guy didn't care of I gave consent it was just the most horrible thought. Unfortunately it wasn't an innocent meeting in a park, I met him in a club and we were drinking in a park after the club closed. So I definitely put myself in a dangerous situation.
 
Okay, so not the greatest way to look after yourself. And Lady Luck wasn't on your side that night.

But I'd echo the above posts - nothing you did, or didn't do, or should've done or not done, gave this guy the right to smack you round and have sex with you. Even people who end up agreeing to sex in those situations to save their own hide - it's still the same. It's rape. You were raped. He's a rapist. That's the awful truth of the situation.

Again, really sorry you're having to deal with that. Try and go easy on yourself. You survived, and you're going to keep surviving it even now that the memories are coming back. It gets easier.
 
I have always hard a hard time of wanting more evidence or proof that my memories are real. Some incidents I never forgot so I know they happened but others were more like flashes and came to me over time.

I wish I could remember who on here I could give credit to but one day I read on here....it doesn't matter. You still treat the memory. If you remember it and it happened you deserve love, help and understanding. If it didn't happen but your body and mind thinks it did...you still deserve love, help and understanding.

My therapist had told me basically the same thing but it just didn't click until I read it on here and put like that.

That idea freed me up a lot. I quit trying to verify every single memory and it was a huge step forward for me.
 
I emailed my T yesterday and heard back this morning. He thinks the memory is very likely real. He also said that my ability to reexperience the memory without dissociation is a sign of progress. I think he might be right!

Feeling ok today btw. Got some good sleep by knocking myself out with trazadone and prazosin. Self care is top priority.

Thanks for the validation everyone. It really helps to know you're not the only one this happens to.
 
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