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New Partner Of..

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Page

New Here
Hello I am really new to this forum thing, but feel that I need to find a group of people to talk with to understand and try to get some perspective.

My partner is not particularly stable at the moment and has PTSD from Childhood abuses and active Military Service.

I haven't been able to convince him that he should stop running and start getting help other than that I have been giving him with support. He has now disappeared and I fear he is again a danger to himself. He has been off the radar now for over 2 months.

I feel lost and alone, my friends are all uninterested as they cannot relate and have turned out to be "fair weather friends" they are use to me solving their problems and being bright and sunny.
 
Hi Page,

Are you able to get into contact with any of the guys from his Unit? He may have contacted them and they may be able to assist you in convincing him getting into counseling.

If you truly feel he is a danger to himself you could also report him missing to Law Enforcement. They can pick him up and he should be assessed by a Mental Health Professional to determine his stability. He doesn't have to know that you're the one that reported him.
 
Page,
I am sorry to hear that you haven't been in the best shape recently. If you don't have any friends to talk to even though you feel that you need it, maybe you should try to turn to some support groups or come here and chat with other carers.

What do you mean that you are not brigth and sunny any more? If you feel overwhelmed by your problems you may also be exposed to risk of depression.

Don't give up on your husband, but please look after yourself as well.
 
Thanks everyone, I am not a danger to myself. I just feel confused. It is really helpful reading on this site, I can see what you are all doing and that I am not completely without resources for information at least knowing more about this is giving me some answers. I didn't know what it was until it had blown up at me. So it does help "hearing" others talk about it.
 
Feeling like I have done everything wrong, even though for so long it was all fine, now this needing space and running. I made sure that I sent encouragement and my love via txt etc regularly, but is this wrong? Am I suppose to completely forget him until he decides to talk to me?
 
Page,

You cannot force anyone to help himself. With some people it takes time to realise that they have problem. Sometimes even though they know they still live in denial. It takes time sometimes.

I used to blame my husband for all my problems, but now I know that it is not truth. He creates some problems, but the way it made me feel is my part of the story.

If your partner is not a danger to himself or others, you may try to leave him some space, so he could find out for himself where his problem is. Also sometimes being alone helps meditations and concetrating on treatment, so maybe this is something that he needs.

But don't give up on him, make him aware that he can come back when he's ready.
 
Just because a person has PTSD never do they have the right to treat you abusively. As a carer you are aloud to state what is and is not acceptable treatment towards you. PTSD can be all consuming but that never has to mean that you give up all of your needs. Part of his illness is that he needs to know what is consistent and unchanging in life. Like a child that needs healthy boundaries. By you clearly stating your boundaries it helps him know where things stand at home. If he can't seem to value that, at least you will have made it clear what YOU need.
Illness never gives the person the right to be the only one with needs in a relationship. PTSD sufferers become "selfish" almost, but out of necessity to heal. It is a tricky balance to figure out how much you are willing to put up with and what you just cannot. No one can make those choices for you.
O
 
Hello Page welcome to the forum.

I can only really echo what O has said. You need to look after yourself too, and to do that you do have to be clear and strong in your message to him about what is and isn't ok. We do retreat, hideaway. We can be in the same room, and still not be with the ones that we love and love us, but rest assured he can come back but so that you can continue to support him you will need to tell him what you want and feel too.

Please keep posting if you find it useful.
Nicky
 
Thank you for your support.

At the moment I have no way of knowing what is happening, he just ran away after a problem with his family and didn't sit still long enough to do anything with lasting positive effect. Also has a painful legal matter that he is trying to clear up although I am not sure if that is just another way of hiding from dealing with his emotional problems by channelling his anger and resentment into prolonging the legal entanglements. (Focusing and encouraging on being a victim)?

While I understand that space is important (everyone needs this) my biggest concern is that he doesn't know why he is having trouble. Has no idea what is causing his fear and flight response, and is running blind, with no one helping him and he has been so depressed in the past that I had to shock him out of doing anything to harm himself (the only way to get threw to him because of limited time).

His family are ignorant of the problem and blame everyone else for his depression, they triggered the symptoms recently by attacking his self-confidence to maintain control of him.

He has been out of touch now for a couple of months. I haven't given up on him.

So many problems though. A parent with PTSD from WWII (F). Family that exhibits no understanding or compassion for others. Child abuse. Bitter acrimonious marital failures (all members of the family). Military and Childhood related PTSD. (Don’t believe any have had counselling let alone diagnosed).

Now I see the symptoms I wonder why no-one realised.

I don’t see all this as insurmountable, I consider problems manageable or solvable with patience, knowledge and compassion. I understand a lot of what he has been through as my childhood was no picnic, so those that ask why bother with someone so damaged, show me someone who hasn’t had some sort of trauma.

I guess there will come a time that if he doesn’t get back in contact I will have to try to get at least one of his family members to do something to help him. They are very unfriendly to me and I am not sure that they would use any information I give them in his best interest but re-institute and reinforce their attempt to control him.

At the moment I am doing what I can for myself, I know that I need to look after me, no point compounding the problems, as I feel like the only one in this partnership with any stability of mind. I’m upset but still here for him when he decides to take responsibility for his actions and wants to heal and help himself and us.
 
Page,

I'm so sorry this happened. The ones we love can sometimes bear the worst of it because we can't see past our pain to the pain we cause them. Sometimes, we just don't think things through.

Chances are, he probably thinks he's doing you a kindness by running. Perhaps he thinks you're better off without him. I think after two months, you've given him enough space. If you can't convince him to come home then I'd call the local law enforcement. They can get him the help he needs.

Please remember that although he's suffering, you don't deserve to suffer too. Take care of yourself.
You didn't mention if you have children, but if you do, then perhaps get them to a psychologist or youth counsellor. Having their father away from home, without explanation, for so long could be detrimental to their psychological development.

I hope he comes home soon and that, in the meantime, we can offer some support for you.

Love and Light,

Aine.
 
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