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New to forum.. Husband diagnosed with PTSD...

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by dazednconfused, Oct 30, 2006.

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  1. dazednconfused

    dazednconfused Active Member

    My husband was recently diagnosed with OCD and PTSD. On September 16 he decided (after being started on Lexapro) that he did not know his feelings for me after 17 years of marriage and we are currently separated.

    He has always had issues with being controlling and has had trouble managing finances. He handed all the finances, so now I am just "thrown to the wolves" so to speak as he has walked out and left my child and I along with all the bills.

    He has always had issues with anger since we were married, but it has seemed to escalate. Our child has been diagnosed wtih ADHD and now in retrospect, I can see how that would aggravate his current conditions.

    He in May spanked our child and left bruises. I had him seek counselling for this where he was diagnosed with OCD. We went to the counselling sessions, but really he did not listen to anything the counsellor said.

    The counsellor told him that he was playing "mind games" with me in the marriage and that he was not being honest with me and that he did not know which one of us would leave the marriage, but before long one of us would. Within 1-2 weeks, my husband left me. Says he is never coming back, etc... Not sure of his feelings for me, and seems "detached" from me and my child.

    His parents think he has suffered a nervous break down as mental illness runs in the family. He has told the psychologist that diagnosed the PTSD that he was abused as a child and I have spoken with the family and they said he was never abused as a child.

    Right now he lives with his parents whom he has told has abused him.

    I just don't understand what has happened to my husband. He was a loving person to me, other than the controlling part and the anger part. I could deal with him getting angry, but could not deal with him hurting our child and certainly cannot deal with the fact that he has separated from me and is talking of divorce and does not know his feelings for me, when we have always loved each other since the day we met.

    Could the drug cause this? I have looked this up on the internet and it said sometimes people will leave their spouses when on an antidepressant and it will not be because they do not love their spouse, but because of the drug.

    I would hate to lose my "sweetie" and my child not have a good relationship with his father because of a drug. I am about at the end of my rope and do not understand the diagnosis of PTSD when everyone in the family says my husband was not abused. He received spankings, but not to the point of Abuse. My husband on the other hand did abuse my child on that one instance and I had to put a stop to it.

    Now he says he had to separate from me because "his nerves are so bad" that he would hurt himself, me or my child. Then he started the "crap" about not loving me. One day he is like himself when I talk to him and the next day he wants nothing to do with me or my child and is very distant.

    I just do not understand this at all. Help!!!!!:mad:
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  3. veiled

    veiled I'm a VIP

    Sorry to hear of your troubles. PTSD is not pretty. But not hereditary as in family mental illness history.

    I don't see why a family who would abuse be admitting it. So if you ask them I would expect them to say no and many are just are just in ignorant bliss. You say he received spankings but not abuse. Where is that line drawn and by who? How can an adult strike a child and not leave damage? What you may or his family deems abuse may be very different in his eyes as a scared child. My step father spanked my sister with a belt for something my fault. To my parents it was "a spanking" the blood blisters left made me feel Guilt as my mother hushed me as I said he should not it was my fault. She said no sense in us both getting it. I still feel terrible and as a kid I wasn't a sympathetic person.

    Anger is common when PTSD is flaring up or uncontrolled, and violence is not unheard of. This in no way excuses violence. Detachment can be drugs or from PTSD.

    Did he bruise the child after or before drugs and PTSD diagnosis? How old is the child?

    If he has been so out of control to bruise a child I would not be so quick to be upset at the seperation as your child does not need to be set up for the PTSD condition to develope from abuse being passed down, it happens. People who are abused can and do turn into abusers, not all. Your first concern should be for the safety and welfare of the child. Children are defenceless. As a parent you do what is needed to keep them safe.

    Trust him for making a huge step in having enough sense to seperate himself from you not to harm you or the child further. Very big step to ensure no damage. Hurt feelings are better for the child than striking. The child has enough to cope with having ADHD.

    With PTSD and not healing don't expect him to be the same day to day as he is most likely feeling beyond confused as to who he is also.

    I suggest you read as much of the info section you can and browse.

    Is he actively in treatment now for PTSD besides meds? Threapy? What is he doing to actively help himself? And yes, meds can make anything possible. Hell, sometimes you get lucky and they help! Poke around the spouse forum and you will see and hear a lot of understanding people with us in their lives. I hope you can find info to help you understand the complexity of PTSD.
    AngelkeeperJ/AKJ likes this.
  4. anthony

    anthony Master of none!

    Hi Dazed, welcome to the forum. Was it the medications that made him leave? Not really I believe. Understanding PTSD is the tough question here, in that if he does love you, then what he is doing is actually leaving you because he is scared of what he may do, and with PTSD controlling him at present, that could be anything if he has anger issues. Basically, he has no idea what is going on within him, and more to the point, he is most likely leaving you because he feels that that is what he must do to also protect you from suffering any longer. If he has suddenly realized that he is the problem, then instead of discussing it with you, as we males do, we run and discuss nothing, instead we find excuses and hurtful statements to help us keep you at bay, being seperated. Whether he actually wants to be seperated or not, only he knows, but their may be underlying aspects that not even he understands if PTSD is at play here.

    Questions to him such as; are you scared your going to lose control and hurt me or my son? Do you actually not love me, or you say you don't love me to protect me? This type of reasoning must be used to get to the core of the issue with PTSD. Get creative in questioning... but also don't hound him as such, more try and slip them into a rational conversation with him.
  5. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt!
    Premium Member

    Hi Dazed. Welcome to the forum. I have a question (or two.) How did the counsellor diagnosis your husband with OCD where the spanking is concerned? Are there other factors that were brought into the open in the sessions? Was OCD explained to you?

  6. dazednconfused

    dazednconfused Active Member

    He was not on meds when he spanked my child. I agree that if he was going to continue it is better for him to be separated. That is why when this happened, we were separated for 10 days until he saw the counsellor and he assured me that with the proper med (Lexapro) that he would not be a danger to my child. He has not spanked my child in this manner since then and I would not stand for that.

    I do believe in spanking, but not as you put it with the blood blisters, etc, but done in the right way as they do in school with a paddle.

    Mainly now with my child, I used "time out" and things of that nature though, because the "spanking" did not seem to be effective and he responds better to different things.

    Thanks for your comments. I just want my husband to get help. He is going to therapy he says with the psychologist. He has shut me out of his life and his medical care. He has left that to his parents, which I do not understand if they are the ones that abused him. That just does not make sense. I can do nothing, but watch him get worse. His Anxiety and anger on the meds is not getting any better, seems worse to me, but I can do nothing, but pray for him.
  7. dazednconfused

    dazednconfused Active Member

    OCD not really explained to me. He just said that because my husband was manipulative and compulsive, etc..with the way he was treating me in our relationship and with him losing his temper with our child, that is what he diagnosed him with. He never even saw a physician. The physician put him on the Lexapro and he started acting differently and just "disappearing" and we did not know where he was for hours at a time and I called the doctor and they referred him to a psychologist telling me he had "mental problems". He also pulls the hair out on his chest and they said that was part of the OCD. The CRNP at the psychologist office with the psychologist reviewing his record, said that he had PTSD after he said he was "beaten" as a child. He also told me before he left that he felt like I had been raping him for 17 years. He never really was into intimacy very much, but "sex" is not the most important thing in a marriage and although there were squabbles of course, because I have a very high libido, I could live with that issue, the anger with my child I could not tolerate and that is why we were separated for 10 days the first time until he sought help with the counsellor.

    There were financial issues also as he managed all of the money. My check went to the bank and I had no control over our money situation for the 17 years. I finally stood up when going through counselling and said I had to be a part of the finances as I worked and we had just had to file bankruptcy. He did not like this. Also, I told him I would not put up with all his "female friends". I believe that when you are married, you should not run around like a single guy and I am true blue to my husband and he did not like this either. After the Lexapro, he even went and seen an old girlfriend of his. After this he decided that he was not sure if he was in love with me, but I think this is just an excuse, as he has always told me he was never in love with this girl. I think he is afraid he will hurt me or my son and that is why he has chose to live "alone". He is looking really bad though and there is nothing I can do to help him.

    I love him so much and I just know that we could work things out if he could control his anger and not treat me like he is my father and I am his child, but like husband and wife.

    I was not even allowed to go to Wal-Mart and I was not even allowed to go to the mailbox. In therapy it came out to be because he did not want me to know how bad the finances are. There has been about 80,000 in credid cards spent and he cannot even tell me where it went. He says I spent it, but I have not. I have no idea what is going on. I mean I had a few credit cards here and there, but I made enough money to cover all this and then some. He told me before he left that my money had paid all the bills, so have no idea what his money went for.
  8. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt!
    Premium Member

    I don't see how losing his temper with your child fits into OCD. The puling hair on his chest and contolling finances could fit.

    This is the criteria for OCD diagnosis:

    DSM IV Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Criteria

    A. Either obsessions or compulsions:

    Obsessions as defined by (1), (2), (3), and (4):

    (1) recurrent and persistent thoughts, impulses, or images that are experienced at some time during the disturbance, as intrusive and inappropriate and that cause marked anxiety or distress

    (2) the thoughts, impulses, or images are not simply excessive worries about real-life problems

    (3) the person attempts to ignore or suppress such thoughts, impulses, or images, or to neutralize them with some other thought or action

    (4) the person recognizes that the obsessional thoughts, impulses, or images are a product of his or her own mind (not imposed from without as in thought insertion)

    Compulsions as defined by (1) and (2):

    (1) repetitive behaviors (e.g., hand washing, ordering, checking) or mental acts (e.g., praying, counting, repeating words silently) that the person feels driven to perform in response to an obsession, or according to rules that must be applied rigidly

    (2) the behaviors or mental acts are aimed at preventing or reducing distress or preventing some dreaded event or situation; however, these behaviors or mental acts either are not connected in a realistic way with what they are designed to neutralize or prevent or are clearly excessive

    B. At some point during the course of the disorder, the person has recognized that the obsessions or compulsions are excessive or unreasonable. Note: This does not apply to children.

    C. The obsessions or compulsions cause marked distress, are time consuming (take more than 1 hour a day), or significantly interfere with the person’s normal routine, occupational (or academic) functioning, or usual social activities or relationships.

    D. I another Axis I disorder is present, the content of the obsessions or compulsions is not restricted to it (e.g., preoccupation with food in the presence of an Eating Disorder; hair pulling in the presence of Trichotillomania; concern with appearance in the presence of Body Dysmorphic Disorder; preoccupation with drugs in the presence of a Substance Use Disorder; preoccupation with having a serious illness in the presence of Hypochondriasis; preoccupation with sexual urges or fantasies in the presence of a Paraphilia; or guilty ruminations in the presence of Major Depressive Disorder).

    E. The disturbance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition.

    As you can see, the diganosis does not really make sense. Was the therapist a pyschiatrist, social worker or other? (sorry can't spell this morning.) In laymens terms: OCD involves rigidity, excessive degree of orderliness, perfectionism, difficulty expressing feelings, difficulty dealing with the unknown, and meticulousness work habits. It's marked by the obsessive or compulisive behaviour. Spanking a child is neither of these.
  9. dazednconfused

    dazednconfused Active Member

    I know. I don't understand the diagnosis of OCD or PTSD either as far as my husband. I know he is not a hand-washer and is certainly not neat. As far as the things growing up, I think a lot of people got spankings.

    I lean more toward adult ADHD myself, but I am no therapist. The doctor seeing him now is actually an MD, but does psychiatry. The other guy was just a licensed counsellor.

    He has just about all the symptoms of adult ADHD and I believe had ADHD as a child is the reasons he received so many spankings. As my child had the ADHD, when they gave me the literature for him it also listed the adult ADHD criteria and he would seem to have this more than either one of the above.

    He had always told me that he had gotten spankings, but he never seemed traumatized by his growing up and has always really bragged on his family until this time in his life and now is living with his parents, so if they were so bad and they are "triggers" and he is trying to get over the PTSD, why would he live with them.

    I think if they put him on some Adderall like my son is on, he would probably be a lot better off, of course, the diagnosis of ADHD is just where they are starting with him. She said he has features of Aspergers and even mentioned bipolar disorder. This is scary stuff. My husband has the features of bipolar disorder too, so I don't know what is wrong, I just know my "sweet" husband who loved me to a fault and was there for me and always had to "protect" me from everything, has now left me and my child and says his nerves will not let him be around me or my child for very long at a time. This is so hard on my child and I both. He also was in Church and loved God and now he never talks about God and doesn't want you to either and does not go to Church and has turned his back on his faith also it seems. He just keeps talking about going off into the "darkness" and he also mentioned "hearing voices" once to me. That I have heard could indicate schizophrenia.

    There are people in his family the family is telling me now have been institutionalized. His family will NOT get involved with his medical/psychological care and I have been shut out, and with the confidentiality clause ( I work as a transcriptionist and know a lot about confidentiality), they cannot and will not talk to me. He listed his parents as the person they could talk to and he told them though if they "push" him in any way he will just quit his job and live under a bridge or just "disappear" and so they will not talk to the doctor.

    I wish there was some legal way I could help with his care, but I have been told there is no legal way to do this. He is at least functioning partially right now, but has missed days at work for being "overwrought" as he put it, so I just don't understand this mess and want to help him, but feel so helpless.

    I have just had to concentrate on me and my child as I have to work 2 jobs to just make sure our mortgage is paid and we have food on the table etc... He gives me what money he wants to and so, he is responsible for none of the bills. He only gives me money because of our child. He has told me that he will pay none of the bills even though he helped to make them. I am not pushing this for right now, because I believe he is suffering from some type mental illness or at least definitely something is wrong with him and God has really been blessing me and so far I have not missed a mortgage payment, etc.. I have been blessed with a good living and I type from home and so I don't have to put my child with a babysitter, so God knew what he was doing when he opened doors for me in this career. I just thank God that I am able to take care of my child and he has a lot of love and attention from me right now. His Daddy calls him every night during the week, but on the weekend nobody knows where he is or where he goes and he just says he just "drives around", so I really worry about him.
  10. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt!
    Premium Member

    Dazed: Follow this link and read about what PTSD is and the link within the thread about the symptoms of PTSD. That should help you determine if you feel the PTSD diagnosis is correct or close.


    #9 becvan, Oct 30, 2006
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 21, 2015
  11. anthony

    anthony Master of none!

    Dazed, if there is a genetic string off mental disorders, then I think the doctors are just clutching at straws at present, labelling and branding their little hearts out, taking guesses at what is wrong, in hope something comes from it all. If your husband was abused by his parents significantly enough to give PTSD, he would not return to his parents nor have a close bond with them at any stage during his life.

    He has gambled, drunk or squandered your money away though, that I have no doubt, because he is mentally ill in some regard. PTSD??? Not sure about that one either, because there was far too many disorders raised above for me to think the doctors really know what they are doing or what is actually wrong with him at this point. They are too busy loading him up on medication first in an attempt to find what is wrong, which just shouldn't be done, but seems to be the norm as such nowadays for their profession. Medicate first, ask questions later. Stupid irrational thinking.

    How much don't you know is the real question? If he has a genetic line of mental disorders, then PTSD does not come with that genetical disposition as such, because a significant trauma must still be introduced into an individuals life in order to imbalance the brain for PTSD. If the brains neurological stability is genetically defective already, then the symptoms of PTSD may be present, but that doesn't mean it is PTSD itself, but more a schitzoid disorder possibly!

    I can completely understand why your pulling your hair out though dazed, because this has dropped upon you out of the blue. It could have something to do with you taking control in the relationship, as he now has to justify what he does, and he lost total control as such, which isn't healthy anyway, but it could have something to do with it all. Not sure!
  12. dazednconfused

    dazednconfused Active Member

    Thanks you guys. I appreciate all the input. I believe it has a lot to do with control issues and I do not think the spankings he got as a child would have been enough to have traumatized him this much. I think they are "grasping" also and I don't like them messing with a person like that if they don't know what is wrong. I wish he would just get off the meds. I don't know how things are going to turn out, but I just have to put it in the Good Lord's Hands. He made us all and I am sure he can fix us all. Just keep us in your prayers.
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