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New To PTSD Effects - And Uncertain if I Should Tell My Dr. All Issues

Discussion in 'Introductions' started by nor, Sep 15, 2007.

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  1. nor

    nor Well-Known Member

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    Hi! I am new to this site, but am in need of some advice from other sufferers of ptsd.

    I have been going through therapy with a psychiatrist for a few years now. Initially it was for depression and medication for it. It turned into a diagnose of bipolar II (more depression than mania), and now we are into reliving a traumatic past. The childhood sexual abuse has always caused problems, but now old forgotten memories seem to be creeping back into my consciousness, and I am having trouble sorting through it.

    It started when my husband and I had a confrontation, and through his verbal abuse (in front of my son), I wound up reliving my childhood trauma in great depth. I have been discussing the past childhood abuse with my doctor (3 times this past week), but now it seems that other traumas which occurred as I grew up, are coming back to "haunt" me. I don't know if I am becoming overly sensitive and should just dismiss these other memories as my obsessing (my sister suffers from severe OCD and I have had problems in the past with it as well-but like to think I have it under control at this time-she experienced the same abuse I did). I do know that I am having great difficulty in getting over the childhood abuse and subsequent guilt-but these other events continue to shake me up as well, which adds to my anxiety.

    I am suffering from ongoing headaches, and have evolved back into an eating disorder I fought off many years ago. I now choose not to eat. I have lost weight, and feel I should lose much more. I am small to begin with.

    My question is if I should share the additional information with my psychiatrist, or just keep on course with the discussion about the childhood abuse? Will it facilitate my recovery if I just stay on one topic, or will it muddle things up if I tell him about the other times I was totally alone in my traumatic experiences. I tried to mention some of it this past week, but stopped because I didn't know if I was just going into the wrong direction.

    Has anyone else started with one traumatic event, and then had other ones rush back in? I have been trying to distract myself, but whenever there is any kind of quiet, the floodgates open.

    I haven't cried in front of my doctor yet-and don't know if it is because I don't trust him with those emotions. I was taught to not cry, when growing up-not productive and just "looking for sympathy". He insists that it would be helpful if I let out those tears when I feel safe in his office. Something inside of me just won't let me do it. Will it eventually just come - or is he the wrong therapist for me? I do trust him, but just don't know how much I should share with him. I don't want to sound like I am making things up, because I definitely am not.
    I honestly know that I couldn't start again with another therapist at this time. We are obviously making strides with my past, but it sure can't explain the conflicting emotions I have been feeling.

    Are these "normal" for ptsd? Maybe I suffer from something else? I can't possibly see reliving the past, as helpful in getting on with my future. My husband has taken on the persona of my childhood abuser, and no matter how hard I try I can't separate the two. Intimacy isn't in my vocabulary.

    If you need more information from me, please ask. I feel anonymous enough to share it here.

    Thanks
    nor
     
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  3. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    You should be 100% open and honest with your care giver. There is no way they can help you or have you properly diagnosed unless you are.

    I think you should discuss what ever is at the front of your brain. When I was new to therapy I bounced around horribly as what I needed to discuss bounced around. Eventually I everything was discussed beyond throughly. Some issues may bring something to the front that is just more pressing. Then you have to deal with it. You doctor really needs to know everything. That is the only way to get a proper treatment program, he needs to know all this is going on inside of you and what effects it is having on you. Good luck.

    And welcome to the forum!
     
    nie likes this.
  4. 2quilt

    2quilt I'm a VIP

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    Same for me

    Nor, The same thing happened to me, and I think that it's normal for people with PTSD to have all these other old feeling come back up. Tell your therapist now, and tell everything as soon as possible. It's normal. It happened to me, to my friends with PTSD, and I bet you that it has happened to others here also. The therapist can't help you if he doesn't know. And it's okay to cry, too. Crying is not a weakness; it releases toxins. That's why you feels better afterward.
     
    nie likes this.
  5. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Hi Nor, welcome to the forum.
     
  6. vera

    vera Active Member

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    i know what you mean... that happens to me all the time. guess it's something we have to leave behind if we want to get well.
     
  7. sephiro500

    sephiro500 New Member

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    I suffer from a similiar problem, where I tell myself 'it isn't bad enough' or 'I have to right to talk about these things' or 'it's all in your head. Personally I think this comes from being indoctrinated and coerced with confusing and obfuscating comments like (and this is what my mother would say all the time) 'oh you're fine' (with a partial smile on her face). So eventually once you hear that enough you begin to believe it, and then ever worse you replicated it inside of your mind. Once you are able to get away and start to live a normal life you are haunted by these strange feelings that don't jive with reality. To everyone else you may appear normal and they may just dismiss your emotions. When you appear normal (at least for me) it's even harder to explain yourself to other people.
     
    nie likes this.
  8. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Welcome to the forum, Nor and Seph.

    bec
     
  9. nor

    nor Well-Known Member

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    Thanks everyone for the warm welcome and gentle nudging. This ptsd thing is very difficult to face just now (as is evident with the eating disorder and compilation of additional traumatic experiences haunting me). I basically just want to forget everythiing, but that has become impossible.

    I have become very dependent on my doctor, and am afraid he will think I am making everything up, because it just sounds like too much to happen to one person. But I understand that he should know everything if he is going to help me. I see him tomorrow and will attempt to approach my additional memories. I thought that after we discussed my childhood sexual abuse, I would feel better. Instead, I felt worse. I am afraid to start discussing everything else because it may hurt that much more. He told me last week that I am "afraid of my memories", but that the memories are not going to hurt me, they aren't dangerous unless I allow them to be dangerous. I would love to attain the control, he suggests I have.

    I'll let you know how I do, and once again.....thanks for the welcome

    nor
     
  10. nor

    nor Well-Known Member

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    Well, I am back from the doctor's office. I did share much more of what I have been experiencing lately, and we are talking about a common thread of fear, guilt and anger. I am going to see him more often than once a week (at least two), and hope that some good will come of it.

    We didn't discuss the old eating (or lack of) habits, but it sounds like just another way that I am punishing myself for what happened.

    nor
     
  11. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    You know Nor, I really felt like that until I got here (as in my physical location) around two months ago. Since starting to recieve services pertaining to my ptsd from various disciplines, I've realized it happens to a lot more people than I think. Funnily, reading and participating on the forum didn't make that sink in!

    What we thought was unbelievable turns is out very believable after all.

    Food for thought?

    bec
     
  12. nor

    nor Well-Known Member

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    Hi Bec,

    You are so right.

    I find it just as difficult to admit the emotional turmoil I went through, along with the physical. But after talking with him yesterday about the physical traumas, I started to realize that I am not making up any them up. Each surgery/illness/treatment is documented. The problem that arises is that I will downplay the emotional abuse and neglect because I don't want to seem overly needy. Sounds stupid, but I find myself falling into that train of thought. Yesterday, he tried to correlate my fears and included the emotional traumas as well.

    It is nice to know that there are others with the same doubts, and that there may be hope in resolving them.

    Thanks
    nor
     
  13. 2quilt

    2quilt I'm a VIP

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    I just had a similar conversation with my therapist. It started out with me saying how I am wasting his time because I am not so bad off...nobody is harming me at the moment, I get the squares a day, I sleep in an airconditioned building every night, I am not at this moment in a warzone, I get a shower when I want one, why am I whining?
    I got conditioned to tell myself this line "why are you whining? you have it good" by the perpetrators. That took more than one session of therapy and several pieces of tissue.
     
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