• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Sufferer New to these forums, struggling with negative self talk / self judgements

Status
Not open for further replies.

Joeythething

New Here
hello. I am new to these forums. I am 30, female, and have been suffering for about 14 years now.

I feel like I live in a bubble separate from everyone else. I am a horrible person, and everyone who sees me seems to just be able to tell. Butterflies live in my stomach full-time. Going out in the cold or dark is terrifying. Every time I leave my house I feel like it's going to burn down and I'll have to live outside. Loud noises make me cry, toys and buses and nice people make me cry. I get a small disability allowance but I really really want a job again.

I want to be better. I want to start being normal. I really really want to be like everyone else.

I am so sorry for all of my complaining. Thank you for having me, I hope to get to know some of you as time goes on. I would love to make meaningful connections with people who might understand why I am so stupid all the time.
 
Welcome!
You are fighting for your life. You are not stupid. I find it very brace of you for sharing. Espec...

It means a lot to hear someone put it that way... I have been looking around and you all seem like such wonderful strong people. I hope I can absorb some of that. Thank you so much for answering!

I say I'm stupid... but I don't know. My IQ is normal. I just can't seem to be normal! I look at other people, who can wake up and go to work and not think about bad things, or at least not react to them. I am so good at taking care of my son and cleaning but that is all I am good at. In my home usually I feel ok, almost normal for at least half the day, but I go out and it all falls apart!
 
You are not alone. I can only work part time and that is after 2,5 years in good therapy. Had 2 years of bad therapy.

I cry in the office bathroom every now and then from flashbacks. I have emotional flashbacks that constantly eat away on me.

You are not alone. This is not your fault. This is not your choice.

Are you in therapy?
 
You are not alone. I can only work part time and that is after 2,5 years in good therapy. Had 2 years of ba...

I have been in therapy on and off for a long time. My first therapist when I was 16 ended up getting arrested for something gross and I very suddenly never saw him again. We had forged a deep connection, I knew he really cared about me. And then he was just gone. It's a long story, but along with him I lost every single item and photograph from my childhood, which he had in his possession because I was homeless. That impacted me so deeply and even though I have been in therapy for periods of months and even years since, I have never been able to open up to another counsellor about the actual source of all my trauma. The actual source, anyway, has been buried under years of literally just trying to live and I am so, so tired.
 
All the things you feel and do make sense, you are normal and in a way still fighting for your life.

You have been through a lot in life, things have happened to you and I that don't happen to most. Our bubbles make sense because we are trying to protect ourselves. I'd be worried if we didn't create bubbles considering our past.

Understanding ptsd more gives me an opportunity to recognize and understand these feelings and states. Which gives me an ability to change. Information and understanding gives me a fighting chance.

Fire is a terrible thing. Can be anywhere, undetected and will quickly grow to ingulf everything impossible to understand and kill you before the heat. It's all consuming an unfeeling
 
Haha, you guys are going to think this is funny... or pathetic, maybe... I am so happy that everyone is being so nice to me but it is super overwhelming! I am happy but I am crying and I do need to take a small break... I will come back and respond to all of you very soon. Thank you so so much for so readily accepting me. I am flabbergasted in a good way.
 
All the things you feel and do make sense, you are normal and in a way still fighting for your lif...

Yes! You share my thoughts on both fire and recovery... I want to know more about PTSD and why I do some of the things I do. The more I know about things, the easier it is to look at them logically and maybe overcome them. I try to channel my inner Spock when I feel like I am slipping out of control. But that is hard, too, and I need to come out of Spock mode, too.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top