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Trauma Diary

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Healing Reins

MyPTSD Pro
I think it's time I finally start to post about this, I'm tired of keeping this in. It's only been like 6 days since it happened but mostly I just need to write out what happened for myself. I need to process this, and figure out if I'm going to be okay. It just doesn't seem real to me. I also just want to write out what happened while it's still so fresh.

Last saturday I went to a party. I was told by several people on here that going to the party would probably not be the best idea. I took what they said for granted. I thought I knew better then them, I thought that I could handle going to a party..after all I'm 18 and a senior..I should be able to handle a party...right? I went to my friends around five. We were sober up until 7:00pm. Around 7:15 I started drinking beer. After about my third beer I felt buzzed. I'm not a fast drinker, but for some reason I felt the need to keep up with my friend. Around 9:00pm we went to the party.

When we pulled up to the house it was unreal. It was like a movie, cars parked everywhere music blasting, red solo cups on the front yard..(not sure why people were drinking outside...it was freezing.) But when we walked into the house there was this girl serving shots. Already buzzed I decided to take a couple of shots. I thought that was going to be the end of my drinking for that night, but I was wrong. I don't know why (again) But I wanted to keep drinking. I'm not addicted to alcohol...I'm addicted to not feeling stressed out. That night Alcohol was helping me not feel so stressed out. I have to pass my state test in Math which is really hard and I needed something to take the edge off, so alcohol was going to be my coping skill for the night. Over the course of two hours I probably had around 3 more beers and I probably had 4 shots in total. that doesn't sound like a lot, but I'm tiny, and I can barely handle 4 beers, so I don't know how I was able to stay standing for as long as I did. Around 11:00pm I felt like I was going to pass out. I talked with my friend earlier that night and she said to always go upstairs and pass out in a bed instead of on the floor. So I went upstairs to find a bed, and I passed out....

I'm not really sure what happened between 11:00pm-1:00am

I woke up around 1:00-1:30am (The only way I knew it was 1:00 was because I went through my text messages that my youth group leader and I sent back and forth that night) I felt sore all over, at first I thought it was the alcohol, but then I saw my underwear next to me, and my shirt had a little tear in it. I had my phone with me so I texted my youth group leader. She was up, so I just had a light conversation with her. I asked her how she was, asked if she was doing anything. She figured something was up, but I'm not sure what she thought was going on. At this point I was still confused as to why my underwear was next to me and why I was sore. After she called me to check on me it suddenly hit me.... It's really funny how stuff like this can sober you up.

After that it is just really blurry. I remember talking to my friend. We went to safe way the next day to get Plan B. I have a gyno apt. this week..

What is really bothering me is though is I feel like I can't tell anyone. I keep trying to tell my youth group leader what happened, but I keep freezing up.

What has happened with me telling her is I told her what happened, and then I told my parents about it (Well I told them I had sex) They got really mad at me and threatened to kick me out of the house so I told my parents and my youth group leader I lied about it for attention. My parents are mad at me because I 'lied' to them, and my youth group leader is convinced that something more than just sex happened, but she doesn't know what happened.

What is weird though is at the same time that all of this I feel like I'm going to be okay. I've had worse happen, and I feel like I'm going to be okay. I have a crush on a boy for the first time in a long time. I don't know if it hasn't hit me yet or if I'm like in a honey moon phase, or even if this is going to be a trauma for me.

I guess all of this is really ironic because a year ago on wednesday I was raped by my ex.

But my questions are the same:
1) What happened?
2) Am I pregnant...(I don't think I am)
3) Is this trauma? Does that mean I'm going to have to start all over in therapy

Oh in therapy I tried to tell my therapist and she basically told me not to tell her because she is a mandatory reporter. I feel like I can't tell anyone. thats why I'm writing it.
 
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Wait, are you a minor, or are you 18? I don't know about the laws for minors, but I know that if you are an adult and say "I was raped, molested, etc" and there is no identifying information, then there is absolutely nothing to report. I've been through this in two different states, and yes, I was allowed to talk about what happened to me, rather I wasn't allowed to give identifying details as it is the details that tips the scale and makes something reportable. But, if you are a minor still, then the laws are likely different, so then never mind what I just said.

I know you're a bit young and no, I'm not trying to lecture, but yes, you had a bit much to drink, even if you weren't a tiny person. What happened to you is NOT your fault in the least, so please don't think that's what I'm getting at because I'm not. I used to be able to go shot for shot with my best friend and a bottle of vodka....yes, I was a heavy drinker as a teenager. Now if I do drink (which is once in a blue moon), I can have one beer and be totally buzzed, which kinda ticks off my drinker friends because I need so little while they're downing a lot more. So my point is that unless you've been drinking for awhile and have a high tolerance, then yes, I'd say you did have a lot to drink. Again, NOT blaming you for what happened, rather I want to encourage you to be mindful in the future of your safety. Alcohol/drugs/etc are things that can make us less safe and when that happens, we're more prone to having bad things happen to us. I guess my point in saying this is so that you'll be mindful of your drinking in the future so that you can have a good time, and stay safe. OK, with the disclaimer that you'll be drinking once you're 21, because at this point it's not entirely kosher for me to be giving this advice to someone who is under the age of 21 lol.

In terms of this being traumatic, nobody can tell you how much this will affect you in the future. I hope you can talk to your parents and tell them the truth, that you did NOT give consent and rather woke up in a state which indicated that someone had raped you. Yes, this is rape.

Please keep posting about it here until you can talk to a trusted adult about it. I really encourage you to find someone who can help you. Again, what your therapist told you is incorrect information IF you are an adult, and to be honest, she is simply scaring away people from actually talking about their rapes. I mean think about it, if there is nobody to report, then the reporting process would simply involve the victim making a statement saying "I was raped". Well, that's not how it works. The information collected is to identify the perpetrators, not the victims. No identifiable perpetrator means there is no mandatory reporting, that is for adults. So if you will be 18 soon, then you could always wait until you are legally an adult and then talk about it in therapy.
 
"What Solara said."

The best way to deal with this is by dealing with it now. Maybe your parents aren't the best place to start, I don't know. Your youth leader sounds like a good person to talk to. You'd probably just be confirming her suspicions anyway. And you should be able to talk about this with your therapist. That's kind of the point of "therapy". If you're an adult, like Solara said, there's nothing here the police can use. But, the perpetrator definitely doesn't deserve to be running around loose either!

Another thing you should probably talk about with your therapist is the use of alcohol as a coping mechanism. Been there, done that, not a great idea, I now know. Which doesn't mean it's not still a tempting "solution" sometimes.

Sorry this happened! Keep doing stuff to make sure you're going to be ok.
 
I agree with what others have said.

Consuming that much alcohol means you were likely unable to consent to any sexual activity and having sex with somebody who is passed out drunk would legally be considered rape.

You did drink a lot of alcohol. It would be classified as binge drinking. Alcohol will kill brain cells, which won't really help you with your test.

Almost all alcoholics use alcohol to cope with pain. The sooner you stop self medicating with alcohol, the sooner your PTSD can get better too.

In the US if you are over 18 and if the adults in your life are still legally required to report things like this, it likely means they consider you what is called an "at risk" adult.

They could also just really care about you and want to protect other possible future victims.

It is so good that you are writing/talking about this now and processing it. I hope you talk to your therapist too. I'm sorry your parents were not more supportive.
 
Glad to hear that you are 18. That means you call the shots. I think you should tell the truth to your parents if you think they can handle it. You can always tell them later if you are not ready yet. They may become sympathetic if you tell them, look, the reason I told you it was consensual was because I didn't want you to be mad at me for drinking or sad that someone did this, but then you were angry so I tried to take it back, but really I need help and here's the truth.

I understand it is hard to confide in parents, and they can be angry at what seems like a ploy for attention. Honesty can relieve the pressure/tension, though honesty with your parents is super difficult at that age. Here's a quick story.

I saw a high school guidance counselor about my anxiety and trouble sleeping, (at this point I had nor recalled my trauma yet, it was still buried) but she notified my parents, and they were mad because 1) I didn't go to them first 2) they thought I wanted attention. Another trauma happened since then, which my parents know of, and now my parents mostly accept I need professional help, though they only know some things not all things that have happened. There are some things I can never tell them because they will likely refuse to believe me, because I do not think they can handle it. I understand it can be tricky there.

Also, if your therapist doesn't want the responsibility of hearing your story, you should look for another one. You are paying the therapist to help you and if they cannot help, you should look for someone who can. Mandated reporters should only have to report when you or someone is a risk to himself or others. And if you do not identify the person, they have nothing to report anyways.

Also, 6 days is not much time to be getting used to this yet. Please come back to this forum if things become more difficult for you. Right now, you still sound a little numb. That is ok. Just remember there is more help available from us as you figure out what to do. You sound like a smart person who is working through the options to get what she needs. Be proud of yourself for that. Good luck at your gyno. exam.
 
@Healing Reins - I am so sorry that this happened to you again. No part of it is your fault at all. I'm not sure I agree that there is no identifying evidence. If this only just happened, then there will be bodily fluids from the man who did this to you still on your clothes and maybe even inside you. Also, were the police to investigate, it could very well be that someone who attended the party knows who entered and exited the bedroom you were in. You may not wish to report at this stage, but please, in case you go on to change your mind, do consider getting a rape kit done. It will still be your choice whether you proceed and at what stage.

Please also bear in mind that you will need to get tested for STDs (horrible as it all is). It is not just a question of whether you are pregnant. Whoever did this won't have been thinking about your safety in any way. He may do this regularly. He will very likely do this again to someone else.

I was raped so I know what happens to you in the aftermath, so I wish I could just come and help you and give you a big hug. You are in very great shock now, even if you don't know it. Your body will remember this, and you are right, it is not clear whether and how this is going to affect you in the future. Please take the greatest care of yourself, and maybe think whether that care ought to include getting what evidence you have together, even if you don't wish at this stage to report.

I think you recently changed your name on this forum; am I right? Am I right in thinking you are the person whose group leader was treating them badly in relation to dissociation and flashbacks at camp? If this is the same person you are talking about, I'm not sure she is the person best placed to help you. I would suggest if you don't yet want to get the police involved, that you go to a rape charity so you have some really supportive, expert help. You can then decide gradually what you want to do after that. As you know, sometimes support is one of the key deciding factors in whether you go on to get PTSD from a traumatic incident or not. Please let people help you get the best outcome for your ongoing health.

When you've got that all sorted out, and only then, then maybe consider the stuff other people here have mentioned about alcohol. It is NOT the first thing to consider at the moment. Please keep in mind you did nothing wrong. No-one had the right to interfere with you in any way. It is rape and that person is a rapist.

Please keep talking to us, and don't let anyone, yourself included, blame you for any part of this.
 
Re telling your parents, I would suggest you do at some point, but if, at the moment, you would additionally be having to deal with their responses to what has happened, then maybe get expert support first. If you feel you need to have someone go with you to any appointment, maybe your friend would be a better option. I don't understand your therapist's response. How is this the right way to treat someone who has just been raped? I am without words on that one.

You are an adult but you need some really good support right now, not everyone around you getting involved in a psychodrama that just makes you feel worse.
 
At this point I do not want the police involved. I have too much going on, that I can't handle the police interrogating me. I hope that makes sense.

As for my parents, I talked to a counselor at school - not giving details- and she said if right now lying to my parents is what I need to do, then I need to keep doing that. At this point she thinks that I need to focus on graduation and keeping myself safe.
 
How do I tell my therapist about this? I don't want to come off attention seeking.
 
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And yeah it's the same youth group leader...she has done research on flashbacks and we talked more about what happened...so she and I are good. She's been super supportive of all of this, and she knows something is going on she just doesn't know what.
 
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