Healing Reins
MyPTSD Pro
I think it's time I finally start to post about this, I'm tired of keeping this in. It's only been like 6 days since it happened but mostly I just need to write out what happened for myself. I need to process this, and figure out if I'm going to be okay. It just doesn't seem real to me. I also just want to write out what happened while it's still so fresh.
Last saturday I went to a party. I was told by several people on here that going to the party would probably not be the best idea. I took what they said for granted. I thought I knew better then them, I thought that I could handle going to a party..after all I'm 18 and a senior..I should be able to handle a party...right? I went to my friends around five. We were sober up until 7:00pm. Around 7:15 I started drinking beer. After about my third beer I felt buzzed. I'm not a fast drinker, but for some reason I felt the need to keep up with my friend. Around 9:00pm we went to the party.
When we pulled up to the house it was unreal. It was like a movie, cars parked everywhere music blasting, red solo cups on the front yard..(not sure why people were drinking outside...it was freezing.) But when we walked into the house there was this girl serving shots. Already buzzed I decided to take a couple of shots. I thought that was going to be the end of my drinking for that night, but I was wrong. I don't know why (again) But I wanted to keep drinking. I'm not addicted to alcohol...I'm addicted to not feeling stressed out. That night Alcohol was helping me not feel so stressed out. I have to pass my state test in Math which is really hard and I needed something to take the edge off, so alcohol was going to be my coping skill for the night. Over the course of two hours I probably had around 3 more beers and I probably had 4 shots in total. that doesn't sound like a lot, but I'm tiny, and I can barely handle 4 beers, so I don't know how I was able to stay standing for as long as I did. Around 11:00pm I felt like I was going to pass out. I talked with my friend earlier that night and she said to always go upstairs and pass out in a bed instead of on the floor. So I went upstairs to find a bed, and I passed out....
I'm not really sure what happened between 11:00pm-1:00am
I woke up around 1:00-1:30am (The only way I knew it was 1:00 was because I went through my text messages that my youth group leader and I sent back and forth that night) I felt sore all over, at first I thought it was the alcohol, but then I saw my underwear next to me, and my shirt had a little tear in it. I had my phone with me so I texted my youth group leader. She was up, so I just had a light conversation with her. I asked her how she was, asked if she was doing anything. She figured something was up, but I'm not sure what she thought was going on. At this point I was still confused as to why my underwear was next to me and why I was sore. After she called me to check on me it suddenly hit me.... It's really funny how stuff like this can sober you up.
After that it is just really blurry. I remember talking to my friend. We went to safe way the next day to get Plan B. I have a gyno apt. this week..
What is really bothering me is though is I feel like I can't tell anyone. I keep trying to tell my youth group leader what happened, but I keep freezing up.
What has happened with me telling her is I told her what happened, and then I told my parents about it (Well I told them I had sex) They got really mad at me and threatened to kick me out of the house so I told my parents and my youth group leader I lied about it for attention. My parents are mad at me because I 'lied' to them, and my youth group leader is convinced that something more than just sex happened, but she doesn't know what happened.
What is weird though is at the same time that all of this I feel like I'm going to be okay. I've had worse happen, and I feel like I'm going to be okay. I have a crush on a boy for the first time in a long time. I don't know if it hasn't hit me yet or if I'm like in a honey moon phase, or even if this is going to be a trauma for me.
I guess all of this is really ironic because a year ago on wednesday I was raped by my ex.
But my questions are the same:
1) What happened?
2) Am I pregnant...(I don't think I am)
3) Is this trauma? Does that mean I'm going to have to start all over in therapy
Oh in therapy I tried to tell my therapist and she basically told me not to tell her because she is a mandatory reporter. I feel like I can't tell anyone. thats why I'm writing it.
Last saturday I went to a party. I was told by several people on here that going to the party would probably not be the best idea. I took what they said for granted. I thought I knew better then them, I thought that I could handle going to a party..after all I'm 18 and a senior..I should be able to handle a party...right? I went to my friends around five. We were sober up until 7:00pm. Around 7:15 I started drinking beer. After about my third beer I felt buzzed. I'm not a fast drinker, but for some reason I felt the need to keep up with my friend. Around 9:00pm we went to the party.
When we pulled up to the house it was unreal. It was like a movie, cars parked everywhere music blasting, red solo cups on the front yard..(not sure why people were drinking outside...it was freezing.) But when we walked into the house there was this girl serving shots. Already buzzed I decided to take a couple of shots. I thought that was going to be the end of my drinking for that night, but I was wrong. I don't know why (again) But I wanted to keep drinking. I'm not addicted to alcohol...I'm addicted to not feeling stressed out. That night Alcohol was helping me not feel so stressed out. I have to pass my state test in Math which is really hard and I needed something to take the edge off, so alcohol was going to be my coping skill for the night. Over the course of two hours I probably had around 3 more beers and I probably had 4 shots in total. that doesn't sound like a lot, but I'm tiny, and I can barely handle 4 beers, so I don't know how I was able to stay standing for as long as I did. Around 11:00pm I felt like I was going to pass out. I talked with my friend earlier that night and she said to always go upstairs and pass out in a bed instead of on the floor. So I went upstairs to find a bed, and I passed out....
I'm not really sure what happened between 11:00pm-1:00am
I woke up around 1:00-1:30am (The only way I knew it was 1:00 was because I went through my text messages that my youth group leader and I sent back and forth that night) I felt sore all over, at first I thought it was the alcohol, but then I saw my underwear next to me, and my shirt had a little tear in it. I had my phone with me so I texted my youth group leader. She was up, so I just had a light conversation with her. I asked her how she was, asked if she was doing anything. She figured something was up, but I'm not sure what she thought was going on. At this point I was still confused as to why my underwear was next to me and why I was sore. After she called me to check on me it suddenly hit me.... It's really funny how stuff like this can sober you up.
After that it is just really blurry. I remember talking to my friend. We went to safe way the next day to get Plan B. I have a gyno apt. this week..
What is really bothering me is though is I feel like I can't tell anyone. I keep trying to tell my youth group leader what happened, but I keep freezing up.
What has happened with me telling her is I told her what happened, and then I told my parents about it (Well I told them I had sex) They got really mad at me and threatened to kick me out of the house so I told my parents and my youth group leader I lied about it for attention. My parents are mad at me because I 'lied' to them, and my youth group leader is convinced that something more than just sex happened, but she doesn't know what happened.
What is weird though is at the same time that all of this I feel like I'm going to be okay. I've had worse happen, and I feel like I'm going to be okay. I have a crush on a boy for the first time in a long time. I don't know if it hasn't hit me yet or if I'm like in a honey moon phase, or even if this is going to be a trauma for me.
I guess all of this is really ironic because a year ago on wednesday I was raped by my ex.
But my questions are the same:
1) What happened?
2) Am I pregnant...(I don't think I am)
3) Is this trauma? Does that mean I'm going to have to start all over in therapy
Oh in therapy I tried to tell my therapist and she basically told me not to tell her because she is a mandatory reporter. I feel like I can't tell anyone. thats why I'm writing it.
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