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Newbie - Complex Ptsd, Possible Did - Help Me Help Hubby To Understand

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Debbi

New Here
Hi folks, Bad bad bad childhood like most here no doubt. Became a state ward at 13, been dealing with mental illnesses ever since, though not as intensely as the past 3 years. Have been in counselling with Psychologist using EMDR ... have now been tentatively diagnosed with a dissociative disorder, likely to be DID. I don't have pronounced 'alters' like on the tv show United States of Tara ... but I do seem to have no control over how I handle a situation, sometimes just an every day situation, like dropping my toast can leave me with black eyes from punching myself repeatedly in the face. I always forget things halfway through, and I rarely remember what I said or what was said to me in an argument. The things I used to believe about myself just don't stand up to scrutiny. I believed I was empathic and compassionate and kind, but my behaviour toward my long suffering husband just denies that entirely. I used to believe that I never took offense, even when it was intended, but these days I see everything as a personal slight, even things that obviously have nothing to do with me. Areas of my life that I thought I had some weird aversion to, have now been outed as fully blown phobias. Etc Etc Etc....

My husband has reached the very end of his tether. I believe that living with me has led him to develop some mental illness as well, although to be honest, I can't really trust WHAT I think about anything, I recognise all too well that I often 'choose' to believe whatever I need to to feel better about myself and this may be a part of that. However, where he used to be compassionate and supportive of my illness, now he is just angry and frustrated that I always attack him, don't make sense in arguments, forget what I said and then insist that I didn't say it etc etc etc ... he is somewhat socially phobic himself, so I have had no luck in getting him to connect with support networks.

Any suggestions from anyone?
 
Hi Debbi

Welcome to the forum.

It is hard to understand when they have no proper information, or support. Is it possible you could suggest he had a look on here, even if he does not register to begin with. Maybe then in time he will join us and find some support for his own frustrations with all this. He can be completely anonymous if he wants.

If he refuses for what ever reason, then you could always print some of the articles off for him to read.

I hope you can persuade him, he will be welcomed, the same as any other carer.

Amethist
 
I joined and found out that my 17 year old son had already joined! Nice start I guess, although he already wanted to know everything about what was going on.... I hope my husband does join. At our worst, he says that he thinks I just use mental illness as an excuse to do whatever I want and attack him whenever I want and make out that he's in the wrong for getting pissed at me for it. That's one of the things I find really hard to assess - whether I am just being a child about it or whether I really do become like that child... actually there's lots I don't get.
 
Hi Debbi, welcome!

It sounds like everyone is worn down and frustrated.

You are very insightful and aware of some ways you respond which frustrate him, or feeling as you said that behaviours, comments etc directed to you on his part are personal when you realize they are not. Perhaps, knowing that, you can choose to respond differently- such as trusting him when he tells you the content of your conversations etc, and for yourself to remember that he loves you, he's just frustrated with the dynamic.

Try to remember how much you love him, and be grateful for him; you are both just trying to manage and are likely more frustrated with the 'disease' than each other.
Perhaps you could ask him what he would like to do, for a break? (With or without you there- again it's not personal).

I hope you find much support, helpful information and healing here, and good for you for reaching out here constructively. Much can grow and improve.

Peace and best wishes to you.
 
My wife has CPTSD and DID and it is brutally difficult to be the spouse. I think that the only way to manage it while preserving the marriage is for him to get a therapist himself, preferably one who is experienced in PTSD and dissociative disorders. Otherwise, it will be extremely difficult for him to make any sense of what's going on. My wife has some alters (and these are not like The United States of Tara - they are not physically visible) who strongly dislike me, so you can imagine what our relationship is like. The only way to navigate this while her therapy plays out is for him to see someone himself. It's all completely bizarre and non-intuitive, and he will likely draw the wrong conclusions from your behavior unless he has a guide.
 
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