Hi there. I was diagnosed with PTSD in early July, & have been attending weekly talk therapy sessions for about 4 months now.
I sought therapy following the arrest of my fiancé for domestic assault. He had been abusing me for about 2 years prior to his arrest; however the abuse was starting to get worse & worse. Earlier this year, he broke one of my ribs, & another time he gave me a concussion... but I never received medical care. I always believed the abuse was my fault, that I deserved it, that I argued too much or should have known my place. He told me if I sought medical care, that he would get arrested & lose his job, & it would be all my fault.
I was completely financially dependent on my fiancé, & we have two children. He made it very clear time & again that I would be homeless & he would take the children if I went to the hospital or the police.
Well, I ultimately had to call police for help in June, after he threatened to kill me & attempted to destroy my phone. He fled our home before police arrived, but stole my purse & both sets of my car keys in a last ditch attempt to isolate me & force me into further dependency.
Long story short, I spent the whole summer engaged in a tough legal situation until he just finally took a plea deal with the courts last week. I was a very reluctant "witness" for the courts, while my fiancé fought the charges tooth & nail. He still adamantly denies ever having abused me. His position is that I'm "crazy," & that I was the aggressor. Which is ridiculous, when you compare us... I'm 5'7" & 125 lbs... he's 6'3" & easily 225 lbs. I don't stand a chance against him, even if I tried.
Following his arrest, I couldn't feel safe. Hypervigilance took over. I changed my locks, installed chain locks & window alarms, & would routinely walk the perimeter of my home to make sure no "threat" was hiding, waiting to strike. I felt like I was in a bad movie about war, or something like that. It's hard to explain.
I spent the whole summer grappling with intrusive thoughts, racing heart, insomnia, mood swings, sheer panic, & sometimes crippling sadness. Of course, now that this court related stuff is over, the symptoms I worked so hard to "manage" are coming back full-force.
My issue is this: I STILL LOVE MY ABUSER DEEPLY. I don't understand it!!! He refuses to see me, & we arranged a visitation schedule for the kids... & I'm just as in love with him as before, & I feel myself slipping back to a place where I minimize my own abuse... like I deserved it, or it wasn't "that bad," etc etc. I have sent him text messages professing my undying love for him. His only response is that we'll "talk about that stuff sometime later." He's obviously trying to take control of the situation again... he always loved my sensitivities & gentle nature, & he would manipulate my best intentions to get me under his thumb... & I'm letting it happen again.
So my reason for writing today... is to ask any fellow sufferers if they too have dealt with lasting love for their abusers? How did you "fall out of love," & how do you keep yourself from falling back to the same patterns? I feel such a deep sadness, & I am forlorn much of the time... I am SO LONELY. I honestly feel like a character from a Shakespeare play, longing & hurting for my star-crossed lover. One half of me would give ANYTHING to have my fiancé back, & heal my family. The other half of me is terrified, securing my home, using sleep aids, & afraid of the man that I love.
Any advice?
Thank you in advance for your responses.
I sought therapy following the arrest of my fiancé for domestic assault. He had been abusing me for about 2 years prior to his arrest; however the abuse was starting to get worse & worse. Earlier this year, he broke one of my ribs, & another time he gave me a concussion... but I never received medical care. I always believed the abuse was my fault, that I deserved it, that I argued too much or should have known my place. He told me if I sought medical care, that he would get arrested & lose his job, & it would be all my fault.
I was completely financially dependent on my fiancé, & we have two children. He made it very clear time & again that I would be homeless & he would take the children if I went to the hospital or the police.
Well, I ultimately had to call police for help in June, after he threatened to kill me & attempted to destroy my phone. He fled our home before police arrived, but stole my purse & both sets of my car keys in a last ditch attempt to isolate me & force me into further dependency.
Long story short, I spent the whole summer engaged in a tough legal situation until he just finally took a plea deal with the courts last week. I was a very reluctant "witness" for the courts, while my fiancé fought the charges tooth & nail. He still adamantly denies ever having abused me. His position is that I'm "crazy," & that I was the aggressor. Which is ridiculous, when you compare us... I'm 5'7" & 125 lbs... he's 6'3" & easily 225 lbs. I don't stand a chance against him, even if I tried.
Following his arrest, I couldn't feel safe. Hypervigilance took over. I changed my locks, installed chain locks & window alarms, & would routinely walk the perimeter of my home to make sure no "threat" was hiding, waiting to strike. I felt like I was in a bad movie about war, or something like that. It's hard to explain.
I spent the whole summer grappling with intrusive thoughts, racing heart, insomnia, mood swings, sheer panic, & sometimes crippling sadness. Of course, now that this court related stuff is over, the symptoms I worked so hard to "manage" are coming back full-force.
My issue is this: I STILL LOVE MY ABUSER DEEPLY. I don't understand it!!! He refuses to see me, & we arranged a visitation schedule for the kids... & I'm just as in love with him as before, & I feel myself slipping back to a place where I minimize my own abuse... like I deserved it, or it wasn't "that bad," etc etc. I have sent him text messages professing my undying love for him. His only response is that we'll "talk about that stuff sometime later." He's obviously trying to take control of the situation again... he always loved my sensitivities & gentle nature, & he would manipulate my best intentions to get me under his thumb... & I'm letting it happen again.
So my reason for writing today... is to ask any fellow sufferers if they too have dealt with lasting love for their abusers? How did you "fall out of love," & how do you keep yourself from falling back to the same patterns? I feel such a deep sadness, & I am forlorn much of the time... I am SO LONELY. I honestly feel like a character from a Shakespeare play, longing & hurting for my star-crossed lover. One half of me would give ANYTHING to have my fiancé back, & heal my family. The other half of me is terrified, securing my home, using sleep aids, & afraid of the man that I love.
Any advice?
Thank you in advance for your responses.