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Sufferer Newly diagnosed, seeking advice from peers - dv & still in love with my abuser.

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ElizaKat

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Hi there. I was diagnosed with PTSD in early July, & have been attending weekly talk therapy sessions for about 4 months now.

I sought therapy following the arrest of my fiancé for domestic assault. He had been abusing me for about 2 years prior to his arrest; however the abuse was starting to get worse & worse. Earlier this year, he broke one of my ribs, & another time he gave me a concussion... but I never received medical care. I always believed the abuse was my fault, that I deserved it, that I argued too much or should have known my place. He told me if I sought medical care, that he would get arrested & lose his job, & it would be all my fault.

I was completely financially dependent on my fiancé, & we have two children. He made it very clear time & again that I would be homeless & he would take the children if I went to the hospital or the police.

Well, I ultimately had to call police for help in June, after he threatened to kill me & attempted to destroy my phone. He fled our home before police arrived, but stole my purse & both sets of my car keys in a last ditch attempt to isolate me & force me into further dependency.

Long story short, I spent the whole summer engaged in a tough legal situation until he just finally took a plea deal with the courts last week. I was a very reluctant "witness" for the courts, while my fiancé fought the charges tooth & nail. He still adamantly denies ever having abused me. His position is that I'm "crazy," & that I was the aggressor. Which is ridiculous, when you compare us... I'm 5'7" & 125 lbs... he's 6'3" & easily 225 lbs. I don't stand a chance against him, even if I tried.

Following his arrest, I couldn't feel safe. Hypervigilance took over. I changed my locks, installed chain locks & window alarms, & would routinely walk the perimeter of my home to make sure no "threat" was hiding, waiting to strike. I felt like I was in a bad movie about war, or something like that. It's hard to explain.

I spent the whole summer grappling with intrusive thoughts, racing heart, insomnia, mood swings, sheer panic, & sometimes crippling sadness. Of course, now that this court related stuff is over, the symptoms I worked so hard to "manage" are coming back full-force.

My issue is this: I STILL LOVE MY ABUSER DEEPLY. I don't understand it!!! He refuses to see me, & we arranged a visitation schedule for the kids... & I'm just as in love with him as before, & I feel myself slipping back to a place where I minimize my own abuse... like I deserved it, or it wasn't "that bad," etc etc. I have sent him text messages professing my undying love for him. His only response is that we'll "talk about that stuff sometime later." He's obviously trying to take control of the situation again... he always loved my sensitivities & gentle nature, & he would manipulate my best intentions to get me under his thumb... & I'm letting it happen again.

So my reason for writing today... is to ask any fellow sufferers if they too have dealt with lasting love for their abusers? How did you "fall out of love," & how do you keep yourself from falling back to the same patterns? I feel such a deep sadness, & I am forlorn much of the time... I am SO LONELY. I honestly feel like a character from a Shakespeare play, longing & hurting for my star-crossed lover. One half of me would give ANYTHING to have my fiancé back, & heal my family. The other half of me is terrified, securing my home, using sleep aids, & afraid of the man that I love.

Any advice?

Thank you in advance for your responses.
 
I need to say... that it took a lot of courage for me to post here... I had the "create thread" page open for weeks before I finally found the strength to reach out on this forum.

That being said, I'm hopeful for a reply. I'm struggling immensely & feeling so alone. Can anyone offer input? ☹️ I see how everyone replies on here & I was so hopeful for a welcome & encouragement
 
Hi there! Congratulations on reaching out. It is a big step.

Your situation is not uncommon. It's one of the (many) reasons why abused women don't "just leave him". It's also seen in abused children who run away from foster homes to return to their abusive parent. Google trauma bonding. It is not a healthy bond, but it is a powerful bond. Hoepfully you can work with your therapist to reduce and eventually break that bond.

Hugs if you accept them.
 
i think that therapy can help. But something that could keep you strong are your children, you heve to be strong for them. your fiance his never going to get better.
My ex partner is a victim of child abuse, his mother was also trauma bonded and never left him. Now all her grown up kids are mentally screwed up. My partner his doing ok in his job,but is personal life is a messed . He has a son somewhere that he never met or told anyone about it. He was with me for 20 years and i don't know if he was pretending or what but overnight he has changed and everyday he is a step closer to get a reastraining order..t
also the other kids are messed up.
And now they are all blaming their mom for not leaving. Broken ribs are not acceptable...it doesn't matter what you did abuse is never the answer do it for your kids.If you want to go back with your hubby. put the kids up for adoption don't take them back to him. Also try to see a therapist that can also work with your kids to try to repair the trauma they have experienced.
 
Hi there. I was diagnosed with PTSD in early July, & have been attending weekly talk therapy sessions...
U so hope you find your answers prayers...my advice don t go back...bc your kids need stability not a deceased mother...i applaud your courage for reaching out....
 
I understand your concern. I want you to know that it is completely normal to still love your abuser and to minimize his actions.

Let me put it this way, would you rather live in a world where sometimes people were abusive to those who don’t deserve it, or in a world where you have control over your life and that you can stop abuse through simple actions?

Well, the human brain commonly would rather believe that it has control over its surroundings. No one ever wants to admit that their lives are out of their control. That’s super scary.

Your brain is actually trying to keep you sane on some level by making you hold on to the belief that this was your fault, because that means that you have full control to stop it, and that makes your brain feel safer in this world.

So, it’s okay that you feel this way, but your feelings are not fact. The fact is that none of this was your fault, and that’s scary. The fact is that you still love someone who should never have hurt you, and that’s scary. The fact is, you are a normal human being who is as strong as you possible can be and it’s okay if that means you’re stuck in a bad situation.

I really hope you the treatment you deserve and that you can tell yourself that this wasn’t your fault. It’s okay to have days where you feel bad about yourself, but overall I want you to know that you are amazing and you deserve better.
 
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