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Nightmares - Real Memories, or My Mind Playing Tricks?

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cherryblossom

MyPTSD Pro
I just feel totally exhausted.
Yesterday I worked for 13 hours, I was so tired. I was in bed at 10 and fell asleep. By 12.30 am I was wide awake after a nightmare. Only this was different. Usually I have nightmares about the stuff I know happened. But this was stuff I didn't know about. Is this "new" memories, or my brain playing tricks on me? So then I didn't want to sleep. I don't want to sleep. I might remember more stuff, and the parts I know are bad enough for me to deal with.
Now I'm really confused. I worked another 13 hours today. And that's not good on no sleep. It felt like the longest day ever.
And now I'm so tired - but terrified of sleep.

I often have nightmares and flashbacks about when I was raped. I hate them so much and they don't seem to get any easier to deal with after all this time. I thought I had pieced together exactly what happened that night, despite spending most of the last 14 years trying to forget. But last night it was different (other things he made me do........ - that's the only way I can describe it at the moment). I feel awful just thinking about it.....

I don't know whether these are real memories or what they are. But I don't want them. I don't want to know any more. I can't deal with what I do know.


Can anyone relate to this. Have I lost the plot, or opened a can of worms??
 
Hm. Hard question. I'm sorry, but I don't have the answer because nightmares for those with PTSD can be flashbacks. But nightmares in their very nature can also be just that... our worst nightmare. So to find the truth, I think you may need to investigate while awake.

What I CAN identify with is nightmares though. And, real or not, regardless, I know how they feel. i have in fact, been told by my therapist that my nightmares traumatise me further... even though a lot of them are not truth in reality. I don't know about yours, so I can't comment and wont. This is something only you can know and find out.

But one thing is for sure... there will be something in those nightmares that is part of the can of worms... whether it be the emotion, or an aspect of what happened, or the truth of what happened.

Unfortunately it all comes down to the same old thing. Deal with your trauma, and the nightmares will go away. How much these specific nightmares play a part in your trauma, I don't know... but they will most likely play a part in some way at least, if not more.

Do you have a therapist? I can't remember if you told me if you did or not? Because talking to a therapist about this would definitely be a good place to start.

In the meantime... you do need to sleep. Not sleeping can cause huge problems... if your mind is opening up things... it's because it is ready to. If it's not, then there is nothing to be afraid of (easier said than done, I know!!).

Try some relaxation to reduce the anxiety around your sleep... because one thing is for sure... you do need to sleep.

I'm sorry I don't have any magical answers... or even anything that really answers your questions. When it comes to something like this, it's not something I can really answer. More something you need to find your way through. I guess this is where PTSD really is a lonely battle.

But we're here to support you. Hard as it is... try to remember, as awful as nightmares are they are not 'reality' in that, however it feels, it isn't happening to you NOW. Whatever happened to you, and despite the feeling that it is happening over and over... it's not. Not in reality. You went through it once. You survived. And you survived because you're strong. You may be reliving parts of it, all of it, or whatever... but it's not happening again. The worst is over in one respect.

I know that REALLY doesn't help when you're feeling you're going through things, the emotions and everything else. But... sometimes it's helpful to remember the above... just to try to drive a wedge between what happened then, and the impact of now. Worth a go eh?

Either way... you're not entirely alone. We all understand how awful nightmares are.. and how they can deter us from ever wanting to sleep again. I can certainly empathise with you on that.
Take care.
 
My nightmares are all over the place in their content. Doesn't make any sense to me other than as a measure of my stress levels. When they kick back up, so has my stress and it's time to do something to get it back down.

Like Lisa said, there are no magic solutions. What works for one doesn't work for another. When I have a nightmare I change the place where I'm sleeping (bedroom to livingroom). For whatever reason that works about 95% of the time and I'm able to get more sleep. Turning a light on to 'change the scene' helps, too. Anything to break the nightmares hold on me.

Another thing might be to write down what your nightmares are about. Looking at them away from the intensity of emotion they generate might help you to understand what's going on.

Lisa
 
Just treat them all like flashbacks, in my opinion, the truth usually surfaces eventually. Maybe start a journal, and label a page "fear", write all that you fear in that section along with writing about the dreams, and flashbacks. We all have some answers that lie within our minds, its just the tricky part is it does not happen when we want it to, or when we need it to. Writing is very beneficial, but rereading what was written should be done with this in mind, do you need to reread it yet, can you wait, are you far enough away from those thoughts that to reread will be a help, or a haunting.

There will be times you don't wish to write a thing, so be it. You are the judge of your mind, we can only suggest ways we cope with ourselves. Hope this helps, and hope the days start coming where you can be abit calmer.

Donna-Lynne
 
Thanks for your replies.

Lisa, I know you are absolutely right. This is something I have to find my way through.

I hate nightmares. And as much as I try to tell myself, that it is only a dream, that it is not really happening, I still get that horrible anxiety that is hard to shake off. I have some things I do which help calm me down. Music is good, but even that doesn't always help. Alot of the time I'm tired enough to get to sleep, but wake again an hour or two later. The more tired I am, the more irrational things become and the cycle gets harder to break.

My nightmares generally consist of re-living the rape. Sometimes I'm me, but other times I am watching it happen. These 'new' nighmares are similar, but with new aspects (ok -just write it - different sexual acts, other than the vaginal rape that I remember. This upsets me alot.....)
I think somewhere in my head, I know the 'new' nightmares are probably true aspects of the trauma. But they have been burried deep away. However, a big part of me doesn't want to believe that to be the case.
if your mind is opening up things... it's because it is ready to

My conscious mind feels far from ready. I have yet to 'deal' with the parts that I do remember, without my brain throwing more stuff into the equation.

Do you have a therapist? I can't remember if you told me if you did or not? Because talking to a therapist about this would definitely be a good place to start.
No, I don't have a therapist (I probably should have, but that's another story), so this is my "lonely battle"


Marlene, I think you are right about the stress issues. I'm finding work really stressful at the moment. Add that to all the PTSD crap, and it's all a bit too much. But then I suppose that's the cycle. Stress - nightmares - no sleep - anxiety - more stress. I think sleep is the key to breaking the cycle. Magic wand, anyone?

Whitewolf, from everything I've read on the forum, writing (and re reading) and talking will all be beneficial. I struggle with all of that (it's taken me over an hour just to write this reply lol!) But I'm trying, is all I can say.

Thanks all, for your input - it's always helpful.

I often sleep better in the day (when it's light). I don't have to work today, so hopefully I can get some sleep.

Take care.
 
My Sarge would not let me off the phone until at the end of the conversation, I would say, yes these things happened. I would try to end it with, Sarge, now can I pretend it was just a really bad movie, again, until he was convinced, I had to repeat it was all too real.
(Then I did chalk it up to being a bad movie,,,,,,,,,,,,,just for my own sanity)
Donna-Lynne
 
This is exactly how I feel and what my therapist keeps telling me that I did already survive it BUT it's so hard to remember that when the emotions are so raw and the terror is so real. and it feels like i'm reliving it all over AGAIN. the nightmare I had....I just want to die....crawl under my covers and shrivel into nothingness...

I can't live with what I remember it's just too painful....and i don't feel like i will survive it. no matter how many times he says that i will. I went out to dinner tonight and had two drinks. I never drink. I think I'm going to remain drunk for the next few days so I don't have to deal with this crap -- now I know why people turn to alcohol or drugs to --numb the pain. My therapist asked me how come you don't have a drug/alcohol problem? That may change. I can't handle this. The pain is too much. I don't want to do this anymore. I ranted and raved how I couldn't/wouldn't live the rest of my life until I knew what happened to me.....I TAKE IT BACK. All I do is cry. I can barely take care of my daughter. and I feel like complete and utter shit. This really hurts.
 
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