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No Memory Of Trauma Itself?

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Hi guys!

This is my first thread and I'm slight nervous so bear with me :-)

Right now I'm working with a really good therapist who I like a lot and both he and I really want to progress to the point of me talking about the "event" that started it all but I guess I'm just really scared at the same time. I think a large part of it is that I'm afraid he won't believe me. The thing is that I remember what happened before and some of what happened after but the actual event itself I cant remember. I know how I felt during it, I know what triggers it, I know what kind of event it was I just can't remember the thing itself and it's incredibly scary and frustrating. I'll have what I guess you could call nightmares where I'm lost somewhere and just feel overwhelmed by panic and fear-feelings almost identical to the feelings I associate with what happened but I won't see any real life images like a lot of people do when having nightmares after trauma. The things that trigger my panic and that kind of thing are obvious indicators of the type of trauma it was I just wish I knew exactly what happened. I guess I'm just afraid of opening up and having him not believe me because I feel like not remembering this kind of thing just doesn't happen.
 
I have the exact same experience with one memory. Right before and way after and then a total gap for who knows how long. That is the beginning of realizing that I was a very bad person and felt so alone and ashamed. i was so dissociative afterwards as well. It has always puzzled me and I so wanted to remember but I think it is burned out of my consciousness forever. Nothing I tried could retrieve what really happened. I empathize with you greatly. Many hugs.
 
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