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No More Money For Therapy

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bitterfight_

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Well, it's official. I have ran out of money (both insurance and cash) to see my T. In the beginning, she had said that if I needed to, she would do a few pro bono sessions with me. In between then and now, she has started to work less hours, so she can't do pro bono anymore.

I got a referral to the mental health team where I live, and I told her about it, but she said (word for word) "they won't do anything for you, they have too many schizophrenics in the system, they might check your meds every once in awhile, but other than that..." and it got me really upset. I'm failing in school, so all of my money is going towards trying to stay afloat in school. On top of that, now I have nobody to talk to. I could talk to a free counsellor at my school, but they only have 2 free sessions per semester, so the max I could get is 2 because I haven't used any. They don't have anyone trained in trauma (big surprise there), so I would have to just rant and rant to someone who will go "that's too bad" or "I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you" (which only makes me angry because saying sorry won't fix anything). Anyways, the mental health team will tae 3-4 months to find me a free psychologist, if they think I need one. I also got a referral to a psychiatrist, who can hopefully help me sort out the meds situation.

In addition to all of this, my anger is still extremely explosive. I'm still anxious enough that I can't go to certain classes (one of which I'm failing), and I still have to get off the bus if I'm having a panic attack to throw up. I still get the really depressive episodes, and basically there's still a lot of fixing that needs to be done, which won't happen.

I'm just so tired of this. I finally find an amazing T, and now that I've run out of money, she can't do pro bono with me, and I can't find anyone else to talk to. I feel like I'm going to implode. I don't know if there was a question in here somewhere, but I just needed to get that all out.
 
Have you written a Trauma Diary here on this forum? I found that to be very helpful. Mostly this is for you, to let it ALL out, but folks will read it and probably say something, or maybe nothing. It is the letting it all out that heals you, from my experience.

There are also two self help books that folks are doing here in private communication, one is called "The Six Pillars of Self Esteem" and the other is called "The Happiness Advantage". These groups do the exercises in the book each day, report in on them and share life experiences with one another. Get in touch with "Whitney's Story" if you want to join either group. Read the books first, especially if one of the titles grabs you. I've been a member of each of these groups since their inception here and both have helped me so much! Whitney does not come on here every day, so if she does not reply to you right away, be patient. But really, the books are helpful, even if you don't join the group.
 
I'm so sorry for your situation, bitterfight. I had to stop therapy for some time because of lack of money. I didn't have the money because I was struggling so badly I couldn't work. It seems that often a situation that makes therapy unaffordable is a situation that makes us really need therapy.

I hope you can at least get a free psychologist before too long, and get help with your meds from a psychiatrist. I know that isn't the same as your existing therapist who you already have a relationship with. But I really hope you get someone you can talk to.

Sending much sympathy.
 
I don't know which province you're in, but if you're in Canada, I think you should be able to access free counseling and psychiatric services through outpatient mental services at your nearest hospital.

Is the mental health team via the Canadian Mental Health Association? If so, apply. Maybe your current T is correct and they can't do anything for you (which seems like a radically discouraging thing to say to a patient, frankly) but maybe they can. The CMHA does normally work predominantly with people who have schizophrenia and bipolar disorders because those are considered more severe, but depending on your situation, they may be able to make an exception for you (they did for me). If the team isn't through the CMHA, I would suggest contacting them anyway.
 
Thank you, both of you. @SheilaKathy no I haven't written a trauma diary, for many reasons. One being that the information might be triggering to others, and the other is a bit harder to explain (just a personal reason). I'll take both of those ideas into consideration, as they will (most likely) be particularly helpful while I don't have a therapist to talk to.

@Hashi, thank you. I'm sorry to hear about your situation - that really sucks. Yeah, I'm trying to find someone to talk to, especially in light of the fact that I might have to stay here in my house alone during the months of June/July (not a good thing for my current situation). I definitely just... I feel like everything is falling apart. Thank you for the wishes.

@ill, I didn't know that at all - do you know how I'd go about doing that? In my province, it seems that you need to be suicidal and bring yourself to the emerg to get those services... No, the mental health team is via the community mental health team, it doesn't seem to be associated with the CMHA at all, although I don't know if they are or aren't. I don't know, she said "they have too many schizophrenics, they probably won't even look at your situation" and she was basically like "I can't do pro bono" and that was that. I don't know what to do, I'm too scared to call them (the mental health team) because that's who I'm supposed to call and then I don't know what will happen. I don't know if I should do that, or ask my professor what to do now. My brain is so jumbled considering this mess I'm having mentally, and the mess I'm having with school and failing most of my classes. My life is in jumbles.
 
I don't know where you live but I found help through my local universities Department for Traumatic Stress Research who scheduled and performed my mental health evaluations and then referred me to a therapist at the local university hospital for a minimal/reduced price. I then applied for disability benefits and was accepted and have not had to pay out of pocket since then. Perhaps these are avenues you could consider.

At any rate I hope you get the help you need soon and I wish you all the best,
Sincerely,
Lion
 
@bitterfight_ I got counselling through a local transition house. There is group and individual counselling for physical and sexual abuse. I had some great counsellors there and met some great woman with whom I am still friends.
 
@bitterfight_, if you feel comfortable sharing your province in a post or conversation, I *might* be able to help you track down more specific help.

You can either call or email your local CMHA (http://www.cmha.ca/) and arrange an intake appointment. They'll do an assessment/review of your case/situation that I think takes an hour or longer. You do have to have an official diagnosis and depending on where you are and the need there will be a waiting list, but if you qualify for services, you'll be given a case manager and go from there.

For Mental Health Services through the hospital - you can either be referred by your general practitioner or you can walk in/call to make an appointment. You do an intake appointment, again for about an hour, and I forget exactly how it works, but somehow they hook you up with a psychiatrist appointment and/or counselor. I assume most hospitals have this service, but it may depend on the size of the hospital and you may have to travel to the next town over. If you need transportation, there may be options there too.

Another option I forgot about is your local/nearest community health centre. If you are low-income and qualify for services, it can provide you with access to a family doctor, counseling (I am actually doing EMDR through my local CHC right now), nurse practitioners, etc. There will likely be a waiting list depending on your locale's need, but you can fill out an application at the CHC.

I availed myself of all three, and that is what I would recommend that you do. Contact them all and get put on any waiting lists you can and ask about other services available to you when you call.

As for the school stuff - do they really limit your counseling sessions to just 2 a term? That seems ridiculous and I'm not sure how they can do that, but I would make myself an appointment either way. They may be able to make an exception for you but even if they can't, it's good to have some kind of paper trail, especially when it comes to failing classes. You don't have to go into all the details, but explain that you have PTSD, that you can no longer afford the therapy you were receiving, that you're trying to access therapy now and see if they can help you come up with a plan/strategy with coursework and/or resources to other options we don't know about. I'd also contact your academic advisor at the same time and explain what's up. As far as I understand it, especially in Canada, there are certain accommodations you should be entitled to and it's also in the school's best interest to make sure you have the support you need to successfully graduate.

I'd like to reiterate that I really feel your therapist failed you here - saying she would be able to provide you with pro bono therapy and then not doing so and also actually almost discouraging you from reaching out to the community health team but also not providing you with any other resources or service information seems like a supremely shitty thing to do to a patient. I really think that's inappropriate and I'm sorry that you have to go through this.

I know how painful and overwhelming it can be to try to access help when you need it so badly. My suggestion is to start by emailing the CMHA - they will usually respond within 2 days, you don't have to talk on the phone, and it gets the ball rolling. And then just do what you can when you can. Also, depending on your particular traumas, there may be other ways to access free counseling services, even if it's only in the interim (my local anti-domestic violence organization provides counseling for sexual assault and domestic violence, if there's a police report you might be able to receive counseling and transportation to and from via Victim's Services, Sexual Assault Centers provide sexual assault counseling, etc).

I'm not sure what the rules are regarding school, but if you're not working and your health issues are disabling, you may also want to consider applying for your provincial disability support program.

ETA: Holy crap, sorry about all the words.
 
@ill - Basically, I set up an appointment with the CHC, and they set up an appointment for me, and then we'll go from there.

I'm quite discouraged as of lately though, because my current T has mentioned/said at least twice "they won't do anything for you" and on tuesday she even said "you're too high functioning, they won't do anything" and it felt like a slap in the face. Here I am trying to get help and move forward with my life, and I'm making little steps here and there, and yet when I try to see someone who can actually help me out for free, she says that I'm too high functioning? Personally, I wouldn't care what level of "functioning" a person is if they're looking for help. They could be so anxious they're afraid to go outside, or they could be afraid in a few situations. It doesn't matter. A person who wants help should be able to get it, you know? I'm so frustrated. Sorry if that offends anyone, but that's just how I see it.

Okay, wow, thank you SO much for that link. I've been looking everywhere, and I didn't know if I was looking for the wrong place or what! That makes sense, I had an intake before, and I have one coming up on April 30th. Should I still email them (CMHA)? (I still have that intake with CHC).

As for Mental Health Services through the hospital, I didn't know they had that option. So how would I go about that? I hate talking on the phone, so I would be terrified to call.

The option I had recently done before I saw your response was with the CHC. My GP told me they would refer me to a psychiatrist/psychologist, and it would be approx a 2-3 month wait.

As for the school stuff - it turns out it's 4 per semester, and those are mainly the walk-in ones. It's really ridiculous, and I don't know how comfortable I'd feel with knowing that someone on campus knows my personal PTSD stuff, y'know? (Bad experiences with a past school counselor). Also, they don't have any experience/training with trauma, most of their profiles have to do with just basic stressors and whatnot, so I doubt any of them have any real-life experiences with patients with trauma. When it comes to my academic advisors, they're all so very nice, and I am enrolled in the disabilities services at the school, and they're very helpful with accomodations.

Honestly, in regards to this mess of mid-processing/trying to find someone new, I just feel let down. She said at first that she would be able to do "a few" pro bono sessions with me, and then withdrew that option at the last moment possible. This Tuesday in particular made me extremely irritated, as she practically laughed in my face and said that I was "too high functioning" to be taken on by the CHC. Then, she basically encouraged me to continue with yoga and hardly any therapy sessions (both at her office). It's frustrating on a number of levels because I understand she needs clients, and I understand she needs the money, but it's wrong to do that. It's just, really frustrating because now I feel like I'm asking too much of people. It also feels like she assumes I'm over this, when I feel like I am 1/4 of the way there (sometimes 1/10th). Thank you so much for being so kind about all of this, and I feel so relieved that at least someone agrees with me on this.

It's definitely overwhelming, especially while juggling school and whatnot. I'm going to email the CMHA tomorrow, and that's awesome that I don't have to call. In my particular case, none of my trauma involve sexual assault/abuse. I was severely bullied for ~ 2-3 years (and by severely, I mean threatened to be severely injured, physical assaults, etc).

I don't think my health issues are too disabling (ie: not able to work or go to school), so I don't think I require to apply with my provincial disability support program, but who knows. I will leave that as a last resort option.

Honestly, it's fine, don't worry about all the words. Your response REALLY helped me, and I have an actual concrete plan now, thanks to you! Xx thank you SOOOO much.
 
@bittersweet, to be honest, after reading your post, I'm thinking your current T has some boundary issues. Imagine you were leaving any other relationship because your partner had told you they couldn't provide you with what you need/could no longer honour the commitment that they made - and then they start talking about how you'll never find someone as good as them, etc. She's acting out her own stuff, wholly inappropriately. And it would be very hard for me not to internalize that because of my own triggers but this is all on her. You handled a very stressful situation maturely, calmly and rationally, which can be so hard for someone with PTSD to do. Seriously, you're doing great. Your T, not so much.

I'm not sure where your T got the idea that your CHC determines clients on the basis of functioning. As far as I understand it, CHCs only stipulate that you meet certain economic thresholds because they exist to provide care for low or no income people and everyone in Canada deserves and is entitled to care. (Like, she doesn't think you'll be able to receive access to a doctor or nurse practitioner because you're functioning decently right now? She either doesn't understand or she's being irrational.) The CMHA does discriminate on the basis of functioning but even that might be changing as they move into a recovery model.

When I suggest you consult the counseling services at your school, it's not to get into any kind of PTSD counseling or to disclose the particulars of your trauma, but mostly so that you have a paper trail and/or for help on dealing with your transition as it impacts your schoolwork. Personally, I would just say I have PTSD/a diagnosed mental health condition, I'm transitioning from one service provider, I'm on the waiting list to see another, how can you and the school system help me cope with this transition and do you know of any resources to get help that I haven't accessed yet? I'm not sure whether or not it would be helpful to you, but having a paper trail can be very useful if it turns out you have to retroactively withdraw from a course (that way you can have it swiped from your academic record entirely), to prove that you've utilized all the resources at your disposal, and even if you ever do need the disability support program. It's possible you won't ever need any of those things, but even if you go for one session, a record will exist showing that you availed yourself of the services available to you. I'm not sure it could hurt, though I know it's almost always uncomfortable and unpleasant to talk about one's mental health at all with a new person.

In my case, my CHC would've referred me to mental health services at the hospital and/or I could call. I did call, and I mentioned that it was suggested to me but, honestly, it's probably as simple as "I have some (diagnosed) mental health issues and would like to set up an intake appointment so that I can be referred to therapy." At the actual intake appointment, you'll have to discuss symptoms and also particular preferences for therapy (at that time, I asked for a female and someone who had experience with trauma), and then you might be referred to a psych and/or counselor and/or group therapy. I hate the phone too, so I wrote out what I wanted to say, called at a time that worked best for me, and then rewarded myself with something after.

Since you have your diagnosis, I would recommend emailing the CMHA whenever you're comfortable/ready. You want to get the care you need, but without overwhelming yourself and only you know what your threshold is. But one way that they can be helpful to you is by providing you with a case manager (who is also a counselor) who can accompany you to psych and other appointments if you want, and who can advocate for and with you if you need/want it. My CMHA also offers different kinds of activities, groups and workshops (i.e. cooking classes, anger management workshops, yoga). But when you talk to them, I would recommend that you talk about your worst kind of days - because people don't need help with the good days usually, bad days do happen, and those are the days that you will need them most. They should also have a 24/7 crisis line and a mobile crisis unit which I'm pretty sure are available to clients and non-clients.

Thanks for not minding all the words, and I'm glad that they could be useful to you. I'm sorry that it's a stressful time for you, but I also commend you for the way that you're handling it. Trying to access the care you need and deserve is hard enough, but doing so when a trusted T is actively discouraging you is even harder.
 
@ill, you have been so helpful to me, and I am SO grateful for your experience with this, and your knowledge.

In reference to my T's behavior, yeah... that doesn't surprise me. I seem to choose those, and care most for those who tend to cross the boundaries with me without realizing it because of my trauma - mostly due to the previous counselor I had in junior high crossing far too many physical and emotional boundaries. When you put it in the context of a relationship and commitment, it's scary how I don't recognize these things. This type of thing makes me very nervous in trusting others because I have a very hard time assessing boundaries and when people are crossing them, as well as standing up for myself when it happens. I doubt I would consider it calmly and rationally, considering I came home and relapsed after this session, but I'm fighting the flood of emotions that are threatening to literally overpower me right now.

I'm not sure where my T got the idea that CHC determines clients based on functioning either, as the clinical psychologist and head/director of the CHC in my province was my professor at college this semester, who referred me after he found out about my PTSD. I figured that CHC would provide services to anyone who couldn't afford to be spending out of pocket (like I'm doing now), and could refer me to someone who I would be able to see for pro bono or extremely reduced rate. It just surprised me how she referred to my level of functioning being a factor, considering my suicidal thoughts as of lately, and the fact that I have been eating poorly and barely attending school (it's over now for the summer though, thank god). It surprised me a lot, because to me, I would say I am functioning "decently" and not really "high". I don't know - we'll see what all of this brings.

I actually (today) made an appointment to see someone through email at my school, and I've figured that I would just let them know I have PTSD and make them aware not to mention certain things for fear of triggers, and I think I will just use them (right now) to talk about school and my home life, as well as my recent issue with my current T (possibly). That's actually a really concrete idea on how to approach things with them, and I'm going to try and memorize that before my appointment, as I often dissociate and lose my words easily around new professionals. I also think the paper trail is an amazing idea, and I'll keep it in mind while I go through with this new route while I'm waiting for my appointment with the CHC.

I don't know what the CHC will do, but at this point, I just need someone to be flexible to trying all types of therapy with me. I'd be okay with wherever it is, whether that be at a treatment center, or in hospital, it doesn't matter anymore. I tried trauma-focused CBT (or CPT), and I tried EMDR (hated it - had a lot of really weird flashbacks and side effects after only a couple of sessions), and I recently thought of trying exposure therapy. The last one is a lot more frightening to me, as that might mean returning to the actual site, and I don't know how I feel about that sort of thing yet. I actually got a referral from my GP to the CHC, and then they called to set up my intake appointment with them. From there, I guess I'm going to meet someone, or more than one people (she said "them"), and then be referred to a psychologist and a psychiatrist (because I'm also questioning if I have BPD). I really, really, really hate the phone too haha, and that's awesome, thank you so much. I think that's a really good idea. I'm fine with discussing symptoms, it's actually talking about the trauma or thinking about it that I have issues with.

I'm definitely going to email the CMHA and just ask a few questions, but I'm nervous about anyone asking for my diagnosis because I am afraid of what my therapist (current one) might do.. I know legally she has to provide any documentation of my condition, but what if she puts that I'm stable or something and then I'm refused treatment? It's just surprisingly scary to think about. I went undiagnosed for 7 years, and got stuck in my ways, and finally found someone to diagnose it and help me, but now I feel trapped. I'm so terrified, because I feel like she will be like "she's fine, don't see her" to the CHC/CMHA, and then I'll be stuck like I am for the rest of my life, just as I was (kind-of) getting somewhere. She was so.. I don't even know the words for it. I was diagnosed with Chronic/Delayed Onset PTSD with dissociative features, but the Delayed Onset isn't really true, because I experienced PTSD symptoms immediately after everything began, and have lived with it for 7 years. I feel like she's trying to trap me.

I really like the case manager idea, although I am pretty independent when it comes to going to appointments. It just takes me longer than most patients to "open up" (it took me ~4 months to finally start telling my current T about my traumas). I really would think that the groups and workshops would be nice, although I'd be worried about an increase in my anxiety as I have a bit of social anxiety due to my type of trauma. I definitely need the yoga (I've been doing it at my current T's building and it's been amazing). I definitely agree with you although the hard days I can hardly talk about - I haven't even fully talked about them with my current T, just brushed about them here and there. I've called the crisis line before, trust me - they're very helpful indeed, and I am indeed a non-client right now.

No problem at all, and thank you, seriously. This has been so so so helpful. It's alright - I've learned to deal with this kind of stuff for most of my life, and at least 7 of the 20 have been with PTSD ongoing, so it's kind of like that "it's fine, I'm used to it" phrase. Most would commend me for the way I am handling it (ie: talking to people, reaching out) but it's only because if I don't, I know what I will try, and I don't want to go down that road again. I relapsed, but I guess it's better than doing something even worse.
 
I was just thinking... talking about how "high functioning" someone who's dissociating is, to me shows that these people don't really understand how dissociation can operate. I can be totally numb and be smiling and acting normal in all sorts of regular situations -- people can learn to do all sorts of things if they feel at some level like their survival depends upon it. The parts that need help won't come out until you feel safe enough; quality of life can be terrible while we're acting normal...

There is a thread here somewhere about how a bunch of us feel we should get Oscars for our acting ability. :ninja:
 
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