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No positive outcome

Discussion in 'Depression & Suicidality' started by Iyllsa, Dec 3, 2017.

  1. Iyllsa

    Iyllsa Active Member

    So for a while I was feeling better because I got a change in my medication, I finally managed to get a job, and I was doing pretty good. A new, good friend, who is now my love interest and things are good.

    But things are slowly going downhill again. I couldn't continue my job because it was affecting my health. I can't do much due to my physical ailments which means I have very few options for work unless I have a college degree which I don't because I found it too difficult to continue due to my health.

    My parents and doctors doubt my physical ailments because so far they can't find any obvious causes behind my pain.

    I lost my pills about six days ago, though I found them yesterday. I haven't taken them because I think my mindset has changed back to the depressive thinking. I'm not sure if this is just my depression talking or this is realistic.

    It feels like my medications just give me a false hope. To think things can get better when in reality I can't. I can't get a job that won't kill me therefore I won't be successful. Doctors have no idea what's wrong with me and it really affects me when my parents openly express their doubt and think I quit my job just so I can fool around.

    I'm still trying to find another job so it doesn't make sense to me that I quit just to fool around. I wanted to quit after I had another job lined up, but I couldn't continue any longer.

    I fell a lot at work and a few times I ended up not being able to walk for a good amount of time. I ended up having to call in sick because I couldn't get out of bed for a few days. Sometimes that's just how my health is and I hate it.

    It just seems like there's no way i'll be able to continue in life. Sometimes I want to die, but right now I don't even want to, yet it seems like I have no choice. I can either kill myself or let myself slowly get worse.

    I can choose how I die or leave it up to the world where I might end up slowly dying in pain. I'd rather die now than slowly.

    My health seems to be slowly getting worse. The pain slowly rises up my body and gets worse over the years and my depression has already hit the lowest of it all I believe.

    The pills definitely helped, but I'm feeling it decline. At first I was scared of it getting worse, but now I kind of want to so it'll make suicide easier for me.
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  3. Muted

    Muted Well-Known Member Premium Member

    Are you in therapy?

    I think anti-depressants can be helpful in making things more tolerable to work through, because it changes your mood not your circumstances.
  4. saraemerald

    saraemerald Well-Known Member

    I am sorry you are going through this. That's a lot. And that is so unsupportive of your parents to doubt you. :(
    There are a lot of people with health problems that doctors don't believe or don't have a diagnosis for. That is so invalidating and frustrating. Also, PTSD can cause a lot of stress in the body that can manifest as physical ailments. Our minds and bodies can only handle so much.
    Have you ever been checked for chronic fatigue syndrome? Stress hurts our adrenal glands and when they stop functioning right, we stop functioning. Or it could be your thyroid. There are a variety of things that could be causing what you're experiencing. It doesn't make it any easier when family isn't supportive.
    I hope you figure out what it is. Take good care of yourself. Hugs
    JadesJewel, Scarlet13, ladee and 2 others like this.
  5. Friday

    Friday Raise Hell Moderator

    So which one is real?
    - The times you were getting your life back, feeling good, and working towards where you want to be?
    - Or the times when your life was falling apart, feeling bad, and struggling to see any kind of a life?

    BOTH. Both are real.

    Even without PTSD, life just does that. For everyone. We seem to react harder to those changes, though, with PTSD. Probably in part due to stress. In part due to black and white thinking, where some of us get an idea in our heads that only 1 can be true. In part due to the whole sense of foreshortened future thing, & survival mode thing, that has us thinking now = forever, when that's never true. Nothing stays the same forever. Everything is temporary. Probably in part due to many other things. But at the end of the day? Things get better & things get worse. Both are real. Both happen. Both can be planned for.
    JadesJewel, PURUSHA, AnD and 5 others like this.
  6. ShodokanJenn

    ShodokanJenn Well-Known Member

    If the pills helped you, and then you abruptly stopped taking them when you lost them, it makes perfect sense that you're feeling this way. I would say to start taking them again.

    I too have intense physical issues (though I have diagnoses for them, finally) that when combined with the PTSD render me entirely ineffective at work and school.

    But @Friday is right - things will continue to get better and worse, back and forth. Because that's life. For EVERYONE.

    Are you in therapy in addition to the meds? If so, I'd urge you to let him/her know how you are feeling. If not, it's something to consider.

    Hang in there. The upswing is coming.
    JadesJewel and Muted like this.
  7. Iyllsa

    Iyllsa Active Member

    Yes I am in therapy. I'm back on my medication and I'm feeling a little better. I can feel myself slowly declining though. It's what happens at night.
    JadesJewel likes this.
  8. Scarlet13

    Scarlet13 Well-Known Member

    So if you are on meds and then do not take them that is an abrupt withdrawal and can cause all kinds of effects like pain and depression.
    I do not know what you have been prescribed, but this can happen with many psych meds like SSRIs and benzos.
    It can take some time to stabilize.
    When I think of that feeling of everything falling apart and going down hill I think of how DBT can be helpful.
    I really like DBT Peer Connections.
    She has a whole series of videos that she made and all the worksheets. She mentions in one of them how she was homeless before DBT. This could be a starting point, but finding a DBT group and/or an individual T is key.
    I think you are pitying yourself. A DBT skill you could try is validating yourself by saying to yourself,
    "It is understandable that you feel depressed when things seemed to be going down hill."
    "It is hard to live with chronic illness."
    I also like ACT as this therapy helps you to tolerate and accept health symptoms until they get better.
    I have been struggling with severe insomnia since having a baby 5 years ago. I cannot take drugs and the drugs I did take caused severe withdrawal. I could not take any supplement for awhile because my nervous system was so dysregulated.
    Now, I am trying to heal through food. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist who teaches me skills. I can get down and feel hopeless, but also I like to do research. There are so many people out there with chronic issues doctors can't help, but there is help. I like Chris Kresser's blog because he healed his chronic illness then became a doctor.
    I am trying all sorts of things because I have just enough stability to do it like making home made kefir and getting tested for adrenal fatigue.
    Hang in there. The world can be hard, but the world is also full of resources and you can be a healer to yourself.
    joeylittle likes this.
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