So for a while I was feeling better because I got a change in my medication, I finally managed to get a job, and I was doing pretty good. A new, good friend, who is now my love interest and things are good. But things are slowly going downhill again. I couldn't continue my job because it was affecting my health. I can't do much due to my physical ailments which means I have very few options for work unless I have a college degree which I don't because I found it too difficult to continue due to my health. My parents and doctors doubt my physical ailments because so far they can't find any obvious causes behind my pain. I lost my pills about six days ago, though I found them yesterday. I haven't taken them because I think my mindset has changed back to the depressive thinking. I'm not sure if this is just my depression talking or this is realistic. It feels like my medications just give me a false hope. To think things can get better when in reality I can't. I can't get a job that won't kill me therefore I won't be successful. Doctors have no idea what's wrong with me and it really affects me when my parents openly express their doubt and think I quit my job just so I can fool around. I'm still trying to find another job so it doesn't make sense to me that I quit just to fool around. I wanted to quit after I had another job lined up, but I couldn't continue any longer. I fell a lot at work and a few times I ended up not being able to walk for a good amount of time. I ended up having to call in sick because I couldn't get out of bed for a few days. Sometimes that's just how my health is and I hate it. It just seems like there's no way i'll be able to continue in life. Sometimes I want to die, but right now I don't even want to, yet it seems like I have no choice. I can either kill myself or let myself slowly get worse. I can choose how I die or leave it up to the world where I might end up slowly dying in pain. I'd rather die now than slowly. My health seems to be slowly getting worse. The pain slowly rises up my body and gets worse over the years and my depression has already hit the lowest of it all I believe. The pills definitely helped, but I'm feeling it decline. At first I was scared of it getting worse, but now I kind of want to so it'll make suicide easier for me.