Hi all, it's been a long time since I posted on this forum, probably a year? It was very helpful, but I largely "moved on" as my progress in therapy lead me to become more and more specific about the root of my problems, which turns out to be (big surprise, eh?) the abuse I suffered in childhood at the hands of my father.
So, I've been seeing a trauma therapist for 3 years. It's all kind of coming to the point where it explodes, and something new and better emerges from the wreckage of the past. Along the way, though, I have been discovering a lot of repressed anger, but also this feel of "Why save me? I'm not worth saving." Then, extrapolating on that thought, I being to see myself as less-than human. I have made statements to my therapist and some other people such as "I am defective on a genetic level, it can't be fixed, and I should be culled like a rabid dog, for the good of others" OR "I have no rights, because I am not human, but inferior, defective, an abomination in the eyes of God. Therefore, I do not deserve to live, no resources should be wasted on me,, and I should be cast out like the garbage that I am" I also kind of summed it up by telling T and other people, "I have no soul. I believe there is good in Universe, but I cannot connect to it, I should not be allowed around good people, I am like a contagion or contaminant."
I texted my T yesterday, something I virtually never do even though he actually says I should much more often, and I told him today, we need to dive into this issue and see what's behind it. I think the roots of it may lie in the feeling in childhood that there should have been an escape from the abuse, but it was a domestic violence situation as well, he was extremely jealous, controlling, and my mother said, probably very accurately, if she tried to take us and leave, he would hunt us down and kill all of us - and I believe that was very possible. But, I also wanted to "leave" in another sense - my only respite from this was school, I was a great student, and I was bored and unhappy with my regular, public schools and what they could do. I really desperately wanted a better education and foundation in life, but it was totally ignored. It would have easily been in their power financially - the problem again was the control issue. I wasn't allowed to do anything normal, have friends, do sports or other extracurricular activities, have a job, go to church, drive, etc. Pretty much, that house was our Gulag or concentration camp.
So, that feeling of "not worth the effort" is probably at the root of this. I kind of think that "going there" by taking it to such an extreme is my way of exploring the "worst case" scenario, and after "living": in that space for a while, I will come to a place where I realize that my reality isn't nearly that bad, that I'm an ok guy, and that I deserve to consider myself equal, not somehow "defective, inhuman, other, or less-than".
Thoughts? Anyone else have similar feelings/thoughts/beliefs???
TIA,
Johnny
So, I've been seeing a trauma therapist for 3 years. It's all kind of coming to the point where it explodes, and something new and better emerges from the wreckage of the past. Along the way, though, I have been discovering a lot of repressed anger, but also this feel of "Why save me? I'm not worth saving." Then, extrapolating on that thought, I being to see myself as less-than human. I have made statements to my therapist and some other people such as "I am defective on a genetic level, it can't be fixed, and I should be culled like a rabid dog, for the good of others" OR "I have no rights, because I am not human, but inferior, defective, an abomination in the eyes of God. Therefore, I do not deserve to live, no resources should be wasted on me,, and I should be cast out like the garbage that I am" I also kind of summed it up by telling T and other people, "I have no soul. I believe there is good in Universe, but I cannot connect to it, I should not be allowed around good people, I am like a contagion or contaminant."
I texted my T yesterday, something I virtually never do even though he actually says I should much more often, and I told him today, we need to dive into this issue and see what's behind it. I think the roots of it may lie in the feeling in childhood that there should have been an escape from the abuse, but it was a domestic violence situation as well, he was extremely jealous, controlling, and my mother said, probably very accurately, if she tried to take us and leave, he would hunt us down and kill all of us - and I believe that was very possible. But, I also wanted to "leave" in another sense - my only respite from this was school, I was a great student, and I was bored and unhappy with my regular, public schools and what they could do. I really desperately wanted a better education and foundation in life, but it was totally ignored. It would have easily been in their power financially - the problem again was the control issue. I wasn't allowed to do anything normal, have friends, do sports or other extracurricular activities, have a job, go to church, drive, etc. Pretty much, that house was our Gulag or concentration camp.
So, that feeling of "not worth the effort" is probably at the root of this. I kind of think that "going there" by taking it to such an extreme is my way of exploring the "worst case" scenario, and after "living": in that space for a while, I will come to a place where I realize that my reality isn't nearly that bad, that I'm an ok guy, and that I deserve to consider myself equal, not somehow "defective, inhuman, other, or less-than".
Thoughts? Anyone else have similar feelings/thoughts/beliefs???
TIA,
Johnny