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Not Being Able To Appreciate Others The Way I Used To?

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Philippa

MyPTSD Pro
I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this and if it is normal for people living with PTSD or CPTSD to experience this? I feel like I used to be able to really appreciate everyone around me, and then suddenly I wasn't. It really disturbed me, and other people picked up on it as well and harassed me about it in living situations. I was aware of it, but didn't seem to be able to appreciate anyone anymore. I was in survival mode at the time (I'm thinking of when I first moved to Melbourne and was new to town here and very symptomatic).

I'm pretty high functioning at the moment, and that has a lot to do with the fact that I have my own place finally, and a stable foundation, as well as regular work that pays well and has a lot of perks. Still though, I feel like my ability to really appreciate the people around me is somewhat stunted, if not delayed...in that I feel that appreciation comes later, when I'm not with them and it's not as pronounced as it once was. I'm not sure if this is normal and how things change in life, or if I am really stunted from this condition?

Does anyone else feel the same way, or have any insight into why this may be? Maybe I need an attitude adjustment or something? I've had that feedback from some people, but they were highly social people, who were younger and wrapped up in being "cool". I've known I'm not that social since I was 21 and I was 32 when I was living with those people. I'm trying to get an accurate gage on whether this aspect has improved or not over the last few years, and specifically in the last 2 since I've been living here?

Any help would be appreciated here?
 
I can relate to what you are saying.

I guess for me it stems from some aspects of my symptoms. Since my trauma occurred in childhood (and many thereafter), I find it extremely difficult (if not impossible) to bond with people. I think this is a protective mechanism and I'm finding it very difficult to change. I guess you'd call it an 'attachment disorder.'

I too appreciate people, but it seems I have to do it from a distance. It is very hard for me to acknowledge that others can be good. My mind wants to interpret everyone as having some sort of negative agenda. Or if it isn't negative from the beginning, it'll certainly end up that way. It is distorted thinking due to the repeated traumas and it is very closely related to trust issues.

I'm not sure how to change it, except I do know that awareness of it is the beginning. Right now I'm trying to set an intention to change, but there seems to be so much risk. As you know, with ptsd when we get hurt or disappointed again, it flares our symptoms again, sometimes making them even worse. So it seems a huge risk.

I've got a very kind and supportive neighbor right now. The first person in my life who seems somewhat safe (50 years) and it's very difficult to show my appreciation. But I find it easier to express it in emails or in writing. Perhaps you can try that. It's sort of like safely testing the waters without exposing your delicate emotions directly........it helps me to have some distance on my emotions.

Hope this helps.
 
I too can relate to not being as close to people like I used to. But I think it is more about taking my time to get to know people better and I am really being cautious.

I have outgrown people and we had to separate. I am busy trying to move on with my life now and I am changed since the death of my husband almost a year ago.

I was in total isolation for three years as I was his only care giver twenty four seven. I am still burnt out and exhausted from the ordeal of dealing with my husbands severe dementia. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

I am a really private person now and I am cautious about what I say to others.

I think I am starting to heal and to grow and to build me a new life.

I can so relate and I am so sorry that people are telling you the things they are. I think mabe you are simply growing and healing and understand so much.

Getting healthier is a good thing and of course we will act accordingly.

I think what you are doing is normal for where you are at. When we change our relationships are forced to change too, I believe.

Hope this helps.
 
It comes in waves for me and some times I just burn out. I try to stay open and engaging as long as I can... the duration has lengthened but it get's used up. I'm in a bit of a dry spell right now. I do appreciate them, but recognize that I have withdrawn for a while. That is okay too... as I am able to tolerate more, I know I do more.
 
I have never really connected to people except through that dysfunctional people pleasing, self sacrificing, dissociated way. I am hoping to change.

I have found that this week that I have got to the end of wanting to be with some people.

When I was doing 5-6-7-8 hours a day at B's place and cooking/preparing 2-3 meals per day I really needed zone out time after we finished eating. Often I helped B with the cleaning up but the times he did the cleaning up on his own I really appreciate the time out.
 
Since staring a bad therapy 6mths ago and everything going downhill since then I have definitely lost my appreciation and patience for other people. Most of my energy is going to managing myself (and limiting the negative impact on my family) that I just don't have any spare for others right now. I'm hoping that as I dig myself out of my current hole, that I will get past this phase.
 
Thankyou everyone for your replies.

I think I relate most to ghotiff, for the reasons why I became this way. I'm hoping I can be more open to appreciating people more now that I am a bit more functional than I was back then. It was just as you said. I had to conserve all my energy just to survive and get through the day. I didn't have any for anyone else. I was also not that fond of people back then, so naturally didn't want to give too much of my time and energy...but it was also mostly a part of recovery I think.

Everyone around me at the time were highly social, and not in the same place as me, which made it very uncomfortable and awkward, and they all thought I was some anti-social idiot loser. Eventually they all just left me alone, but actually started actively excluding me from things, as they felt I didn't like them. It was nothing personal to any of them at the time...they just didn't understand. We were literally worlds apart.

Thankyou for your kinds words Gizmo. It was a very difficult time for me, yes. One woman actually said to me one day "There's something not quite right about you." and then proceeded to ignore me from then on...in my own house. She was GUEST there!!

I'm glad you have your life back to heal and grow some more now. It's been a long road for you, and it must have been exhausting to look after your husband that whole time.

She didn't even pay rent or bills and she took 2 rooms, whilst I got the shitty small room. She was immensely popular with the other people in the house, and they all let her have a certain amount of power in the house...even though her name wasn't on the lease at all!

She actually came and told me that she intended to withdraw from me and then she did. Wouldn't even say hello if she walked past me. It was the worst time when I first moved to melbourne.

That woman was very damaging at the time to me. I was having trouble not banging my head against the wall at times, and was hearing things, having auditory hallucinations...seeing things out of the corner of my eyes. I was not well and they didn't give a shit about me. I was the weird one who never left her room and socialized.
 
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I'm glad I could give you an experience to relate to :)

If I can further provide my own experience. I was sexually abused as a child, so I always have had issues (but come across as very high functioning). Throughout my life I've struggle with friendships. I have discovered that the only people that I successfully achieve friendships with are those who eventually (after years) end up disclosing to me that they also were abused in some way as children (eg alcoholic parent etc).

The beauty of my friendships is that while they don't really understand my issues, they understand enough to never mock my limitations, they don't push me to do things I can't, and help by doing things for me. I know this sounds ridiculous, but one of my limitations is that I can become unable to talk in the most trivial situations. For example if we are at a cafe and I start to draw inward, they will just take over and order for me. This makes my life so much easier.

Additionally, my best friends know that I recently had bad therapy and am currently crawling my way out of a dark place, and while they occasionally call...they know I won't answer the phone and they know not to take it personally. They understand that I currently don't have any spare energy for them, but when I can come back to them I will. Their patience and understanding is so valuable to me.

So, from this, my suggestion is, push yourself a little (when you are able) to have friendships, but if they aren't working let them go quickly (because in my experience they aren't ever going to work) and wait for the right friend to come.
 
Thanks. I do have some pretty good friendships at the moment...and I use the word 'friend' very cautiously. I don't think of most people as friends just because I've met them...like so many people I know in my town. It takes me a lot of time to get to know someone and consider them a real friend.

At the moment most of my true friends have had a history of abuse as well, and are understanding if I present symptoms of ptsd, which is awesome. I don't feel judged and they have had a lot of patience with me...so I'm very grateful for that. I realized last night that I feel really cared about...and I haven't felt that way in so long...I can't even remember how long it's been.

I do have one male friend I've gotten to know over the last 2 years. He wasn't abused, but he is very sensitive, and perceptive, and he is considerate and kind, so I'm having fun with him at the moment. I'm kinda surprised at how much I've changed, and now I have some really good friends, online, but never met them in real life.

Thanks for the encouragement. :)
 
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