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Not Doing Ok

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I don't know what to do. I can't find any help that is free or cheap. I can't afford to spend half our weekly income on seeing a therapist when we can't even pay our electricity bill.

I've called lifeline and beyond blue multiple times, spoken to every other service they knew of, and basically after my online chat to beyond blue today they basically said I've exhausted every single resource they know of. I live in a major capital city (the capital of the whole stupid country actually) and there simply is no free services outside of community mental health who say they can't help me unless I'm on welfare benefits (which I'm not because I have a working husband. He has a pretty low income but just enough for me not to get any welfare assistance which also means I am paying a few hundred a week on medications and doctors - and that's the gap payments after government rebates for everything we can get rebates on).

I'm supposed to see a psychiatrist, but even after government rebates that's $240 a visit. I'm supposed to go see a trauma therapist but I can't access a government rebate for psychologists this year (because I already tried one and it hasn't worked out but can't access the government rebate even though I didn't use the ten visits the government gives a rebate towards because it's a different psychologist). Not that I have $75 to pay the gap after the rebate next year, and I certainly don't have the $190 per visit without the rebate this year. I can't afford the $200 a month for the third psych med I'm supposed to take (no government subsidy on it) when I'm already $60 a month for my two existing psych meds plus far more than that on all the medications I take for physical health problems.

I'm so alone, I keep having thoughts of self harm and suicide which I'm finding it so hard to fight every day, but going to hospital is not an option because 1. that's where I work and I'll lose my job, and we'd lose our home and going into winter I don't want to be living in a car with a baby and my teenage child and husband - we barely cope in the space of our tiny two bedroom townhouse. and 2. because I have PTSD now because I was hospitalised several times a decade ago because I had post natal and PTSD from the birth of my older child and in hospital I was psychologically tortured by a sick psychiatrist (made fun of me, made up lies to child protective services that we were bashing our baby because according to him "young women with thoughts of self harm don't deserve to have kids and I'll say whatever it takes to get her taken away", and what he did to my first husband was worse), I was sexually assaulted by another patient on one hospital, and on another I was physically assaulted by a nurse so badly I've had two operations to fix the damage and they have failed and just been told a week ago I need a knee replacement - I'm in my early 30s! I have knees worse than the old people I spent years looking after in aged care before moving into working in mental health. (second knee is stuffed from a decade of limping).

I thought I'd broken free of the depression and PTSD until I fell pregnant last year. My baby was very much planned, I was excited. I'd been depression and PTSD symptom free for over five years (Except for a brief period of about a month when I went through something tough two years ago), but being pregnant again and battling the hospital district where I was abused to get my obstetric records of my older child's birth so I could safely deliver my younger child has brought back all the horrific depression and PTSD symptoms.

I can't afford to lose my job - I've been out of aged care too long to be qualified to go back to it, and with all the mental health services here heavily linked, if I lose my job, I lose my career that I've worked so hard for. I'll be unemployable and we then lose our home. Also my abusive first husband would get custody of our daughter and he is a violent pervert who likes looking at kiddy porn. I found kiddy porn on our computer and before I could confront him about it (as he was out on a two day drug bender with his dealer) he came home and bashed our daughter which is why we separated. Unfortunately the family court here is messed up and even though he was convicted for bashing her, he wasn't convicted for the kiddy porn, and even convicted paedophiles here get shared custody. He's stopped seeing her, but if he finds out I've lost my job (especially if I lose my home), he'll try to get back into her life.

But yeah, I have enough trouble with panic attacks when I work in the acute mental health ward. There is no way I can handle being a patient. I would seriously flip out and I've seen what happens to people who do that. That would just traumatise me more and make me decide to actually go ahead and kill myself. So hospital isn't an option.

I don't know what to do. I'm not ok.and have nowhere to turn to. It's pretty sad when lifeline and beyond blue have no resources to help at all. Why does our state government assume everyone living here is either rich enough to pay the massive cost of private treatment here, or that everyone else is on welfare and can access free services.
 
I don't know what to say that might help you other than your in my prayers. I hope it gets better for you soon.

If you have truly used all that you can and your needs still aren't being met you might try the following. I'm not encouraging, or condoning this, BUT... There are a few people I have known over the years who have "gamed" the system. They were doing everything right, above board, but could not afford NEEDED medial or psychiatric care. They made too much for gov assistance, and not enough for insurance and out of pocket expenses. Life or death kinda stuff.

One partner would file for separation at the courthouse, not divorce, just separation (incl legal interests), and create at least a paper trail of residing elsewhere than the spouse. If you own a home, it's better for the person needing the care to leave so the property isn't used against you. They would use family or a friends house. Some would at least stay there physically a couple times a week for appearances, and to (hopefully) avoid breaking the law (it can be a matter of interpretation of the true residency). If the mail is going to the friend or family's house it makes the case stronger.

Once the new residency is established, the legal separation is established, the person files for medical benefits. It is never easy, but at least some more of the medical or psych needs were met. the person(s) lived longer. Most are still alive, a few were probably terminal anyway, but they lived longer and healthier till the end.

I strongly encourage you (and anybody reading this) not to game the system unless it is TRULY needed for dire medical or psych reasons, and if you do, to stop as soon as you can. The taxpayers are already supporting too many who don't deserve it.
 
I got a lot of help from books:

8 Keys to Safe Trauma Recovery by Babette Rothschild

Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine

Coping With Trauma Related Dissociation by Boon et al

Mindful meditation you can learn on line.

The key for me has been working within. I went to a shrink for 25 years and talking gave me understanding but no release.

I go to a Somatic Therapist and energy healers when I can afford it. In Somatic Experiencing I am learning new ways to feel the dysregulation of my system - crazy fight or flight - and then finding a safe place to pull back into or release it. Peter Levine's book is like the bible for this since he sort of discovered it.

It is easier to have someone teach you maybe, but you can learn to do this.

Insurance is Big Business. So is the government. It's hard to get help from them when profit is the bottom line. We have to work with what we have. You can do it!
 
@Barberian I tried that once a decade ago. The abuse I mentioned above ... the assault occurred in the context of I couldn't cope with the psychological torture (including being told to "just **** off and die" when seeking help for being suicidal) and being told that I was the only service I could access due to where I lived. So I gave a friend's address and said I had moved there and for three weeks I got excellent help. I got the exact treatment I needed, I got treated with respect, my birth trauma PTSD was fading. A week in hospital to keep me safe and two weeks of community support after I was discharged. And then I got found out. The verbal abuse from the local service pushed me back into being suicidal, so I went into their hospital and that's where I got bashed. The staff had been livid that I had given my friend's address to get help elsewhere, even giving my maiden name so that they wouldn't make the link I was the same person etc. It blew up in my face and that's what led to me being bashed badly and a lot of things, some were even worse than being bashed. I was worse then than now because for now, the trauma is in the past, a decade ago I was still being traumatised by the ongoing abuse.

It's a little different now - different state, different rules. Where I came from everyone, even billionaires could access public health services - the problem was they can also believe in denying treatment to anyone labelled borderline and because I had self harmed a handful of times due to the birth trauma PTSD and major depressive episode, I was then refused all treatment other than fortnightly appointments with the pig who was abusing me. My GP tried to stand up for me - he actually told my psych that the psych was killing me and he wouldn't allow it (that time specifically in regards to the psych giving me a medication that was literally physically killing me and refusing to allow me to stop it and change to another) but that just enraged the psych and intensified the abuse.

But now where I live, income matters. We are dirt poor but my husband earns $10 a week too much for me to get a disability pension. His work said he can cut back to working four days a week (instead of five) but losing 20% of his income is equal to what we'd save with me having a pension card and it means he's ineligible to go for a promotion which he wants to do next year (a promotion would mean 40% more pay for him). So I've gone back to work two weeks ago (after 6 months off) which means (as long as I keep working) we'll be caught up on the overdue bills within 3 months, and then hopefully start paying of the $20,000 credit card debt. But even with me working, there is no way we can afford the crazy price of private health care here.

I've waited more than 18 months just for a lousy back injection I was getting every 4 months where I used to live because it's taken me 10 months to get into the specialist who does it, 6 months to get the MRI he insisted I have first, and another 2 months later I'm waiting for another appointment (it's in 1 month) and then I'll get put on the waiting list to get the injection. I could have had that donei in about 6 months if I was willing to pay $400 per visit (and only God knows how much for the injection) to see the doctor who runs the clinic in his private practice The public health system will see anyone (regardless of income) for physical health problems, just there is a huge wait. I've waited 3 years for semi-urgent surgery before (semi-urgent is classified as needs doing by 3 months maximum). But mental health is different.

We live in the second most expensive city in Australia. They assume everyone here is either a rich public servant/politician, or are on very low incomes (you can get healthcare assistance if you work but on a very low income), because our income is low (not very low) we can't afford crazy prices for private healthcare professionals but not allowed to access public ones.

And what's worse? we actually have top private health insurance. If a psychiatrist decided I needed hospital, I can go to the private hospital - but only private psychiatrists have admitting rights, and I can't afford a private psychiatrist. Health insurance in Australia only covers inpatient stuff and makes small payments to things like dental, physio etc (none of which I can access either because I can't afford the gap like I need heaps of dental work done but can't even afford the $600 to get the urgent stuff done. it would be $2000 without insurance though). Basically because the government pays a rebate to see doctors, health funds won't pay a cent. They will pay a small amount to psychologists BUT it's such a small amount and if you can access the government rebate, the health funds won't pay a cent towards that visit. So either way (whether government pays or health fund pays) the cheapest one I've found is $75 and the rest are over $100 per visit.

I keep my private health insurance because I need a few operations sometime in the next 5 years and it's good backup for emergencies and covers things like needing an ambulance and they paid to have a tooth removed when I couldn't afford the $3500 they wanted to fix it (it would have been $300 to have removed without insurance), but it's useless for psych care.

Anyway, I'm not a liar by nature. I hated saying I lived with a friend a decade ago. I couldn't do it again. It wouldn't work anyway because how do you get psych help while claiming you're no longer with your partner? They'd ask all these questions about why we split etc, who was looking after the kids, did I want help with sorting out separation, and because it's a service I have to work at, I don't think it would even be possible. Plus I've only been living here 18 months. Neither my husband or I have family or close friends here we could say I lived with.

I couldn't organise it and I couldn't manage being deceitful. I've never been a deceitful person and don't have it in me. I despise liars and while I don't condemn others who lie to get help they genuinely need because that's not the same as normal lying, it's just not something I could myself.
 
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@franciemarnie I've ordered some trauma books the psychiatrist I saw once told me. I think at least one of them is in your list. Mindfulness won't be one of them. I know heaps about mindfulness - I teach it to my patients to help them. But I find it irritates me and makes me feel worse.

Insurance isn't the problem here in Australia. Insurance providers are so limited in what they can and can't do so while it's a business it's not a big one. Hospitals and doctors are all heavily regulated by the government and it's the government fault the mess the system is in.

I'm just exhausted of self research and reading. Nothing seems to help. I'm not giving up but I'm losing hope. And it seems online forums and books is all I have.
 
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In all fairness, I did say I don't encourage or condone what I wrote above. I also said to actually stay at the new residence at least several days a week.

Each person would need to take a serious look at their needs and any laws that might apply to them (including residency laws). Actually staying at the friend or family's home, if done properly establishes residency at the new home. This does not rule out visiting their spouse for "overnighters" for the much needed emotional and physical bonding human nature often needs. It also does not rule out visiting all day, and going to the new home at night to sleep. It's not something to take lightly because if done improperly, it could result in serious fines and possibly jail time with the included probation period.

The people I've known who have done this were up against the wall so to speak, and it was a matter of life or death for them. Some were short term emergencies, some were chronic. None of them were living "high on the hog", but instead were barely making it as it was and falling further and further into massive debt with the medical bills or simply not being able to afford needed care or medications. Most of them did it in a legal fashion.

I'm sorry the system is failing you Butterflywings. I'm sorry for everybody who is falling through the cracks in the system which are long and wide in just about every country..
 
When I tried a decade ago, there was no risk of anything like fines or jail time. Because I wasn't claiming money or rebates or anything related to that, I just wanted an honest second opinion and treatment for what I had. I take comfort in that what I did wasn't illegal at all. In fact I know many other people who have been seen out of area when there reasons for requesting it were acknowledged (eg working in their local hospital or having a close family member or friend working there). What I sought was legal and should have been offered to me by the health department - it is what they did by not letting me do it with their permission that was illegal and a violation of human rights - that's what frustrates me the most. It was a matter of life and death for me and it very nearly cost me my life the way I was treated. But yeah, I didn't get anywhere in the end.

I am in debt up to my eyeballs, being broken by interest - a big chunk of it was debts my exhusband ran up in my name, but the rest is due to medical costs. And I've spent the last 12 years going without many physical health treatments and medications I've needed. So many people think the Australian system is free but only some things for free and yeah, there are huge cracks in the system that consume people whole.
 
(((((((Butterflywings)))))) I am so sad to read what you are going through.

I am paying seven hundred and thirty four dollars for my medical care and it is breaking me. I feel so sad for you.

All I can offer is that for three years as a care giver to my husband with severe dementia, I had no support. I only had this forum and they got me through some really rough times.

It is far better than nothing.

I am so sorry you are having these problems with medical help. You do really need it. Getting the right help and being able to afford it is putting you in dire straits.

I am praying for you and yours and hope this is ok with you.

You are in my heart. I am sorry I am not of much help. But you can pm me anytime and I will support you. Hugs.
 
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