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Not Feeling Well

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woundedsoul

Confident
I am extremely stressed out, anxious, fearful, dreading the near future every single day.

My therapist told me I am living "in trauma" every day last week.

I don't know how to soothe, comfort, console, take care of me right now. My home is a trigger - potential foreclosure pending if Bankruptcy not approved. Husband cannot afford house and living expenses but refuses to sell,despite my begging and pleading for years.

I can't work too traumatized and therapist concurs, so I can't help financially out of this financial monstrosity --- disaster pending.

My son has a mood disorder NOS or bipolar, they don't know which, and the days where there are no severe emotional outbursts are few and far between, rare in fact.

My husband is a major trigger. He caused financial ruin and abused me severely causing PTSD. I can't afford trauma of divorce and I have not one red cent to get one if I could. I try to avoid him all of the time so he doesn't cause intrusive memories and further verbally abuse me, put me down, tell me I'm crazy.

I can't go anywhere or do anything, no money, and a horrible fear/phobia of spending one cent, even if I could spare one. I do go to the library and for walks when I have the energy which is rare, under this constant duress.

My therapist wants me to go to day hospital. I don't want to, but if there was a nice place specifically addressing trauma victims needs, similar to rehab for drug and alcohol abuse, I would go there. Why aren't there places specifically for trauma victims/survivors to recover???

My son is 18 but requires constant supervision because of his anger issues. I am afraid he will verbally abuse his girlfriend and she is here every day after school until 9 pm. Husband allows this...he's at work. he allowed her back into the home after I'd insisted they cannot hang out here. He thought nothing of putting me in this position. I babysit my 18 year old... I'm 52 years old, tired and powerless to change anything that they have each caused. I have had it.

Anyone suggest any ways I can comfort and take care of myself? I know Divorce is the ultimate answer, but my therapist wants me to stay where I am right now. So, any comments, suggestions other than Divorce would be appreciated. Thanks. I'm lost at sea without a lifeboat right now and sinking fast.
 
Hi, woundedsoul, I am so sorry that you are in such a dark place. The poem below is by Jane Kenyon. I read it every day for several years - it became a life raft for me, and ultimately a comfort. I hope that it provides you with some peace. I hope you feel better.
Love,
Wordgirl

Happiness

There's just no accounting for happiness,
or the way it turns up like a prodigal
who comes back to the dust at your feet
having squandered a fortune far away.

And how can you not forgive?
You make a feast in honor of what
was lost, and take from its place the finest
garment, which you saved for an occasion
you could not imagine, and you weep night and day
to know that you were not abandoned,
that happiness saved its most extreme form
for you alone.

No, happiness is the uncle you never
knew about, who flies a single-engine plane
onto the grassy landing strip, hitchhikes
into town, and inquires at every door
until he finds you asleep midafternoon
as you so often are during the unmerciful
hours of your despair.

It comes to the monk in his cell.
It comes to the woman sweeping the street
with a birch broom, to the child
whose mother has passed out from drink.
It comes to the lover, to the dog chewing
a sock, to the pusher, to the basket maker,
and to the clerk stacking cans of carrots
in the night.
It even comes to the boulder
in the perpetual shade of pine barrens,
to rain falling on the open sea,
to the wineglass, weary of holding wine.
Jane Kenyon
 
I get that you are don't want to do the day hospital but perhaps by going it would get out of the triggering home environment in the meantime and you might be able to make some contacts that could help you find what you are looking for, if nothing else someone else to talk to. When I was first diagnosed I went inpatient (saved my life) and then did outpatient, I met not only ally but a very informed person that helped me in so many ways since.

I'm sorry you are so over-whelmed at this time, it can be such a spiral but personal contact can be amazingly helpful.

Keep posting and take care of yourself.
Rain
 
Thank you Rain, your advice is very good...I may tell therapist today I need the day program... This will take tremendous courage for me to do because I will not be able to give my son the ride he needs to and from the GED program he is enrolled in. I don't want to cause his failing/having to drop out of it. I'll ask my therapist what to tell the program in the meantime without causing my own personal private health issue's to become public knowledge and how to get him a ride to enable him to continue in it. I'm scared. I'm so terribly frightened right now.

Despite several pleas of desperation to my husband, he completely ignores my pleas for help. I am at the point where I feel my life lies in the balance. I am not suicidal, but constantly thoughts come into my mind, out of the blue, that I wish I was dead. I cannot take this intense suffering any longer.
 
(((hugs)))) Good thinking, that's a great place to start - asking the questions - there might be someone in your son's class he could catch a ride with if your husband is unwilling to participate. Your getting help will also help your son, I find that the more I get into the practice of asking the more answers I receive, people out there have answers and there are willing to supply the answers if we ask long enough.

Please hang in there!
Rain
 
Update:

My therapist who is a "trauma specialist" just told me she wants me to take a mood stabilizer as I cannot take anti-depressants because I had an extremely adverse reaction to withdrawal of AD's several years ago.

Problem is this: Taking psychotropic medications traumatized me in withdrawal. Never want to go near the stuff ever again. She also thinks, "He (husband) is going to drive me insane if I stay here (living in the same house) and believes if I move to the hospital she is affiliated with I will be afforded more services/programs to assist me in leaving. I don't believe her --- what services/programs? What should I say that will not offend her to get information to ensure I will be getting the help she is proposing prior to making this move?

I am upset that I go to a "trauma specialist" and she suddenly tells me she can't help me! I invested time and energy in this therapist telling her everything that happened to me and it is her liability she is concerned with in solo practice and not me at all, well, perhaps both, but it was sudden and she flooded me with information last week after I decided not to go to the day hospital.

She said something about my husband claiming I was "all over the place", which is completely untrue, he completely denies saying any such thing to her. I am not "all over the place" as she implies, but I am emotional and crying because I am in crisis. I do not know where she got this from, but from her own characterization, which she did not admit to and is untrue.

Again, I am in crisis...on the cusp of homelessness due to my stupid, in complete denial husband refusing to sell a home he can no longer afford, and we would have gotten 120K if we'd sold.

Is it abnormal for me to be anxious and feeling overwhelmed dealing with this crisis? Should I not be crying to my therapist? Should I be calm, relaxed, and acting like none of this is bothering me? Seems like that is what she expects. I am very upset and extremely disappointed in this therapist.

I will never ever take another psychotropic drug for the rest of my life after what I experienced during Effexor withdrawal. Why doesn't she, as a trauma specialist, understand this? I told her what happened to me. She said to give me an anti-depressant would be medical malpractice and that is why she wants me to take a mood stabilizer instead. I do not trust psychiatrists or psychiatric medication after what I endured. Nobody told me what I endured was possible before, during or after. Why would I ever trust another psychiatrist for the rest of my life?

Why did I stupidly believe she could/would help me and now she is transferring me with promises that the hospital will help me move out of this home and start over on my own? I find that very very hard to believe.

I really needed to vent all of this. Thanks for letting me get it off of my shoulders. Gosh, Too Much Info. at the therapy session last week for a traumatize person to process!
 
Hi, woundedsoul, I think you are very wise to be distrustful of your therapist; it doesn't seem like she has your best interests at heart - but don't write off all therapists because of her. (My grandmother used to say that somebody has to graduate at the bottom of their class - that was probably your T :confused: ).

From all you have described, feeling as you do seems like a normal reaction. If I were in your shoes, I would also be feeling grief over the loss of the trust and effort you spent in seeing this particular person. Also, if you are in the US, she has absolutely no right to discuss your medical condition with anyone other than a third party payer (insurance) or another healthcare professional directly involved with your care. It's called the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act or HIPAA. Failure to adhere to the guidelines is illegal. If you are elsewhere, I am not sure of the protocols, but she should NOT have implied she discussed your care with your husband (if she did... it sounds like she's not being truthful, though.)

I can't give you any advice on what to do next, but I want you to know that I care and am in your corner. (((HUG)))
 
(((Wordgirl))) Thank you for your care and support.

I have been giving this a lot of thought and I'm going to be assertive and ask a lot of questions on Thursday's therapy appt. and directly ask alot of questions regarding everything/anything she said that day that was worrisome and then make a decision whether or not to continue with her as my therapist.

Mo's ago, the very first time I called her outside of a therapy session and about 3 weeks into therapy i said, "I'm overwhelmed and very sad", she instantly asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital day program. I said nothing more than what I wrote above. I did not feel I needed to go to the hospital that time either. I was just looking for support.

She seems to hit the panic button frequently as she did the same thing on 3 occassions total since I started therapy 2 1/2 months ago. I am definintely having PTSD symptoms of very severe anxiety, more than I like, but is that definitively a reason to go to the hospital??? I think she overreacts and panics.

I certainly understand the therapist's concern....but I'm also concerned about the therapist!

Thank you very much Wordgirl, I'm very appreciative of your support and kindness.
 
I understand completely what you are saying about Effexor withdrawl. I was on for a year, and though my doc prescribed more than the "trial dose"... I stayed on the lower dose the whole year. When I went to step off... I am not inclined to want to repeat what I was thinking or feeling ever again... though my Internal Medicine doc brings it up almost every visit.

I sympathise too with you having a ringside seat with a spouse that is making poor decisions involving finances.... my own spouse went through that and it was the cause for my last traumatic break.

Can you approach you T with a frank discussion of concerns? I had a psychotherapist (after an eval process who put me in a group) who said after hearing me say the word "anxiety" several times during sharing tell me in front of the group that I needed an anti depressant. I didn't handle it too well, retorting quickly, "If I said blue tea pot, instead of anxiety would you be telling me I was fixated on tea pots or say that "blue" meant depression?"

It was a take away experience for me. I never contacted my T's outside of therapy and I am guarded with the words I use to what I am experiencing. I make clear I want skill sets, and coping tools.

I hope you get relief and solutions to the difficulties you've been experiencing soon. I know what it's like to go through what you've been going through.
 
(((Albatross)))

I completely understand why you don't want to talk about Effexor withdrawal. It was a very traumatizing experience for me and it sounds like it was for you too. What I learned about anti-depressant withdrawal is that if one decides to stop taking those med's they must withdraw extremely slowly, tapering the meds down, extremely slowly and gradually with a doctor's supervision. Then what happened to me, would not happen to anyone else. Ever hear the expression, wish I knew then what I know now? Sure wish I'd known.

I'm am very sorry to hear you've had a similar experience. Mine was horrific and could have been prevented if anyone had told me the above. I was traumatized and no one in the medical community helped me they further traumatized me.

Thank you for your advice and comments, I too wanted skill sets and coping tools and stress management assistance. I thought if I weren't 100% honest about my concerns and feelings I wouldn't get the help I needed. I appreciate your advice that one needs to choose words and expressions carefully, even in therapy, who knew?

I am stronger today than I was immediately proceeding last week's therapy meeting and I have prepared myself for asking her many questions this week.

Thank you again for writing Albatross.
 
Albatross,

Would you consider asking your internist to please stop bringing the topic up at every visit? That would be very triggering to me and I would dread and then try to avoid seeing such a person...not good when it's a doc you need to see. I can't help wondering why your internist finds it necessary to mention it at every appt.
 
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