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Undiagnosed Not Sure If I Have Ptsd?

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Joo

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Hi,
im a college freshman and i want to get a professional diagnosis but am to scared to verbally talk about my trauma face to face. im okay with writing it out but the thought of actually telling someone verbally causes me too much anxiety and i dont wish to do so but i really want to know if i actually do have ptsd or if this is all in my head.

while i was still in elementary school, i was raped at my neighborhood park. i remember everything about that day, except how old i was or how he looked like. it didnt really affect me then, mostly because i dont think i understood what had happened to me.

but in middle school we had to watch this educational video on child abuse and sexually assault in health class and i remember being physically scared watching it because everything finally made sense. i felt like i was going pass out and was really nauseous.

ive been having really bad anger outbursts and i think everything just escalated after that point. whenever i got anger i wouldnt just yell, i would throw things randomly. one time i took a chair and threw it down the stairs so hard it smashed the wall. other times i would try and physically harm myself, like hitting my head or slamming my head against the wall repetitively.

ive also had these periods where id randomly start crying or would randomly be scared for no apparent reason whatsoever. like this one time in summer camp where i woke up the entire site because i was so scared i screamed for a good minute.

towards the end of middle school, my mom took me to see a therapist because i wouldnt talk in class. it was mostly to increase my confidence. but then during one session i had to take a quiz and the very last question asked if i was ever sexually assaulted and i cried and told them yes.

i thought after i admitted that, that theyll start and treat my trauma but they just continued on with only the confidence building therapy. i remember being so confused and ultimately stopped attending.

then during high school id randomly hear this imaginary girl in my head, crying or screaming. the first time i heard it, i was in class and was scared out of my mind. but no one around me was reacting so i knew that it was an hallucination and tried to hide my reaction.

during first semester of college, there would be periods where id lock myself in my dorm and try and starve myself. i went three days without food. i would also purposely avoid sleep and pulled multiple all nighters. all because i thought i didnt deserve to eat or sleep.

two of my professors apparently thought there was something wrong with me and privately asked me if i wanted to schedule an appointment with the campus therapist.

the thing is that from what i read online, people with actual ptsd are constantly on edge but that isnt the case for me. most of the time i think i feel normal and fine. just the very rare occasion where id get triggered. im not triggered very often. ive also realized that i only get bad episodes only when im already under a lot of stress.

(ex. if i was triggered during a busy school week, id most likely react. but if i was triggered during a lazy school week, i wouldnt physically react.)

also, ever since i started college, i havent had any issues with my anger. i just felt constantly happy and blissful. (except for the very few times i was triggered and would randomly shut down and cry and/or deprive myself of food/sleep)

so i was wondering since that was the case, if im just over reacting. and that this is all in my head.

thanks! i know this is long and isnt the best introduction lol.
 
I don't think you are overreacting, you are obviously in distress. If you are afraid to talk, print out what you just wrote and hand it to the therapist.

I am very wary of diagnoses...but finally accepting PTSD helped me reframe everything I had been told was wrong with me in terms of diagnoses, so it was very helpful.
 
You have made the first step coming here, I did the same thing and cried writing my thread as it was to painful to talk about, I know it's hard but talking to someone that is trained to help you is the only way to learn to live with this memory.
Make an appointment and you can just sit there and cry if you want, but just going there is the start of trying to deal with your memories.
 
hi,
I urge you to seek out professional help. I think that perhaps you have a black and white view of this disorder. Yes, there IS indeed a line in the sand as to what is PTSD and what is not, however, if your symptoms fall short of a full diagnosis, that does not in any way, shape or form mean that you are just overreacting or that its all in your head. Many people have symptoms of depression but aren't diagnosed with major depressive disorder. Many people have symptoms of OCD but aren't diagnosed with the full disorder. (I'm one of them, and yes, it is pure hell to deal with the symptoms, but I am missing key time constraint criteria.) So my point is that it doesn't matter if you don't have all of the symptoms, it sounds like you could still use some help. Good luck!
 
Glad you are here! :)

It was so brave of you to disclose your trauma to the counselor; it was their failure that they didn't help you talk about it. No wonder, you heard the crying girl-you!

Sometimes self-injury, through various means (not eating, temper flares, being frozen, etc.) comes after someone failed to help you-because their passive behavior implies that you were at fault. You were not. The perpetrator was. The counselor should've had your back, to put the blame one the other person, and support your terrific voice.

Defintely, you are not over reacting. Certainly, i coped by crying and isolating. I think most people with a history of trauma, have harder times when under stress.

For the longest time I thought I could 'think' my way to a solution, but it only helped so much. Getting the courage and skill to go to a therapist took time. You are on your way!

Take your time. (I had to practice-meaning it took me 3 attempts, to be able to talk about my experience in front of someone. I walked out of my first and second therapists-I was too sensitive, and got too anxious and angry, to sit still). Experienced therapists should be able to give you whatever kind of space and respect you want. Just speak up.:)

Stay in touch.
 
@Joo,

Welcome to the forum! Glad you are here. None of us can diagnose or say you have PTSD or not - it would be unwise for anyone to try to do so online. That being said, I don't think you are overreacting at all. If anything, you are seriously under-reacting. I'm so sorry for what you have been through and that no one took your pain and trauma more seriously when you were younger. Don't repeat the mistakes of others who invalidated your pain and invalidate your own pain now too. They were wrong to drop the ball like they did.
Hi,
im a college freshman and i want to get a professional diagnosis but am to scared to verbally talk about my trauma face to face. im okay with writing it out but the thought of actually telling someone verbally causes me too much Link Removed and i dont wish to do so but i really want to know if i actually do have Link Removed or if this is all in my head.
As others have said, it's not really such an either or situation. It's not as black an white as you have PTSD or it's all in your head. Your pain is real. Your struggle is real. Your symptoms are very real and potentially life threatening. You have been through significant trauma at a young age. Even if you don't have PTSD, none of what you are going through is your fault, and you still deserve help.

The good thing about therapy is that they don't really expect or want people to divulge all their worst events in life at the first session. Or even the second or third session. Good therapists understand how that act alone can be very triggering.
the thing is that from what i read online, people with actual ptsd are constantly on edge but that isnt the case for me. most of the time i think i feel normal and fine. just the very rare occasion where id get triggered. im not triggered very often. ive also realized that i only get bad episodes only when im already under a lot of stress.
This is another very black and white way to look at it. Ironically, such black and white thinking can actually be a sign of PTSD or a number of other very real mental health conditions.

When I first went to therapy, I didn't think I had many symptoms either, and that I was ok most of the time. I really wasn't. Pain and trauma tends to lead to the development of defense mechanisms. Denial is one common defense mechanism. My own denial clouded my ability to even see how much I was struggling. When someone has childhood trauma, it's also the case that it's been so long since you knew life before the trauma, that your opinion about what is "normal" is not really 100% accurate. Therapy could restore you to a kind of "normal" that is better than you even think is possible right now. In your case, you have professors who are pulling you aside and asking if you want help. Professors don't do that when someone is only rarely triggered. When you are triggered, you are having pretty strong symptoms, ones that completely affect your functioning and life.

Even if you are rarely triggered, and only have occasional days of distress, it doesn't sound like this is how you want to live. You have been through a lot. The aspect of therapy is naturally scary. You have had some admittedly less-than-helpful experiences with it. This time, it can be different. The school counseling center is a good option. You can call them and tell them you have trauma in your past, and anxiety now, and they can set you up with an appointment where you just go in and ask them questions. You don't have to tell them ANYTHING before you are ready, and not even then. It is your choice. But I hope you do share with them as much as you can, so that they can help as much as they can.

If you keep doing what you are doing now, you will keep getting the same results. If you don't give therapy a try, you will probably keep wondering, and won't really ever know for sure if therapy could have helped or not. Take the leap, even a small one, and call the counseling center. You deserve the support. Period. PTSD or not, your pain and struggle is very real. None of it is your fault. None of it makes you a bad person. You are actually quite brave to have the courage you have had throughout your life to endure for as long as you have.
 
Hi @Joo, and welcome. In a whole lot of ways, it doesn't matter exactly what your diagnosis might be at the moment. You had a really horrible thing happen to you, and you are feeling troublesome things because of it. You should get yourself into a meeting with a therapist, even a school one, and figure out where to go from there.
if im just over reacting. and that this is all in my head.
It is all in your head - but that doesn't mean its imaginary. Trauma affects the mind, and our minds are incredibly, incredibly adaptable to all sorts of situations, but sometimes we need help to get the mind to heal. I'm glad you're here, and hope you keep posting.
 
@Joo Welcome to the forum!

The members here have given you a lot of good advice and I really do not have anything to add other than to encourage you to read and learn what you can and to know that you are not alone. I hope you find the information and support here helpful as you take the steps to help yourself.
 
thank you guys so much for your replies and support. i honestly did not expect this amount of replies. i cried reading this all. thank you so much. your replies meant so much to me. haha i honestly dont know what to say.

im still to scared to contact a therapist but i feel like now there is a definite chance that i will see them before the end of my spring semester. i promise that i will seek professional help.

thank you all so much
 
Can I just say try and do it soon, I have been holding my trauma for 30 years, once you start a career it's even harder to do something about it, Stress is a part of everyday life and stress on top of trauma is not a good place to be.
 
Welcome Joo.

Sometimes the easy solution escapes me when I'm too close to the problem; if you can't talk about it, but can write about it... Print off what you've written here, and take it to a therapist. Learning how to talk about it is one of those things therapy does.
 
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