Hi,
im a college freshman and i want to get a professional diagnosis but am to scared to verbally talk about my trauma face to face. im okay with writing it out but the thought of actually telling someone verbally causes me too much anxiety and i dont wish to do so but i really want to know if i actually do have ptsd or if this is all in my head.
while i was still in elementary school, i was raped at my neighborhood park. i remember everything about that day, except how old i was or how he looked like. it didnt really affect me then, mostly because i dont think i understood what had happened to me.
but in middle school we had to watch this educational video on child abuse and sexually assault in health class and i remember being physically scared watching it because everything finally made sense. i felt like i was going pass out and was really nauseous.
ive been having really bad anger outbursts and i think everything just escalated after that point. whenever i got anger i wouldnt just yell, i would throw things randomly. one time i took a chair and threw it down the stairs so hard it smashed the wall. other times i would try and physically harm myself, like hitting my head or slamming my head against the wall repetitively.
ive also had these periods where id randomly start crying or would randomly be scared for no apparent reason whatsoever. like this one time in summer camp where i woke up the entire site because i was so scared i screamed for a good minute.
towards the end of middle school, my mom took me to see a therapist because i wouldnt talk in class. it was mostly to increase my confidence. but then during one session i had to take a quiz and the very last question asked if i was ever sexually assaulted and i cried and told them yes.
i thought after i admitted that, that theyll start and treat my trauma but they just continued on with only the confidence building therapy. i remember being so confused and ultimately stopped attending.
then during high school id randomly hear this imaginary girl in my head, crying or screaming. the first time i heard it, i was in class and was scared out of my mind. but no one around me was reacting so i knew that it was an hallucination and tried to hide my reaction.
during first semester of college, there would be periods where id lock myself in my dorm and try and starve myself. i went three days without food. i would also purposely avoid sleep and pulled multiple all nighters. all because i thought i didnt deserve to eat or sleep.
two of my professors apparently thought there was something wrong with me and privately asked me if i wanted to schedule an appointment with the campus therapist.
the thing is that from what i read online, people with actual ptsd are constantly on edge but that isnt the case for me. most of the time i think i feel normal and fine. just the very rare occasion where id get triggered. im not triggered very often. ive also realized that i only get bad episodes only when im already under a lot of stress.
(ex. if i was triggered during a busy school week, id most likely react. but if i was triggered during a lazy school week, i wouldnt physically react.)
also, ever since i started college, i havent had any issues with my anger. i just felt constantly happy and blissful. (except for the very few times i was triggered and would randomly shut down and cry and/or deprive myself of food/sleep)
so i was wondering since that was the case, if im just over reacting. and that this is all in my head.
thanks! i know this is long and isnt the best introduction lol.
im a college freshman and i want to get a professional diagnosis but am to scared to verbally talk about my trauma face to face. im okay with writing it out but the thought of actually telling someone verbally causes me too much anxiety and i dont wish to do so but i really want to know if i actually do have ptsd or if this is all in my head.
while i was still in elementary school, i was raped at my neighborhood park. i remember everything about that day, except how old i was or how he looked like. it didnt really affect me then, mostly because i dont think i understood what had happened to me.
but in middle school we had to watch this educational video on child abuse and sexually assault in health class and i remember being physically scared watching it because everything finally made sense. i felt like i was going pass out and was really nauseous.
ive been having really bad anger outbursts and i think everything just escalated after that point. whenever i got anger i wouldnt just yell, i would throw things randomly. one time i took a chair and threw it down the stairs so hard it smashed the wall. other times i would try and physically harm myself, like hitting my head or slamming my head against the wall repetitively.
ive also had these periods where id randomly start crying or would randomly be scared for no apparent reason whatsoever. like this one time in summer camp where i woke up the entire site because i was so scared i screamed for a good minute.
towards the end of middle school, my mom took me to see a therapist because i wouldnt talk in class. it was mostly to increase my confidence. but then during one session i had to take a quiz and the very last question asked if i was ever sexually assaulted and i cried and told them yes.
i thought after i admitted that, that theyll start and treat my trauma but they just continued on with only the confidence building therapy. i remember being so confused and ultimately stopped attending.
then during high school id randomly hear this imaginary girl in my head, crying or screaming. the first time i heard it, i was in class and was scared out of my mind. but no one around me was reacting so i knew that it was an hallucination and tried to hide my reaction.
during first semester of college, there would be periods where id lock myself in my dorm and try and starve myself. i went three days without food. i would also purposely avoid sleep and pulled multiple all nighters. all because i thought i didnt deserve to eat or sleep.
two of my professors apparently thought there was something wrong with me and privately asked me if i wanted to schedule an appointment with the campus therapist.
the thing is that from what i read online, people with actual ptsd are constantly on edge but that isnt the case for me. most of the time i think i feel normal and fine. just the very rare occasion where id get triggered. im not triggered very often. ive also realized that i only get bad episodes only when im already under a lot of stress.
(ex. if i was triggered during a busy school week, id most likely react. but if i was triggered during a lazy school week, i wouldnt physically react.)
also, ever since i started college, i havent had any issues with my anger. i just felt constantly happy and blissful. (except for the very few times i was triggered and would randomly shut down and cry and/or deprive myself of food/sleep)
so i was wondering since that was the case, if im just over reacting. and that this is all in my head.
thanks! i know this is long and isnt the best introduction lol.