brandonsmom777
New Here
Hi everyone, my names Ashley and I've posted once before and already think this site to be wonderful and supportive and thank you to anyone who takes the time to respond to me. I won't get into the details of any trauma I've had, I will save that for the intro section at another time. The current therapist I'm seeing I specifically sought out because she's a trauma specialist. Strangely, it's been hard to find someone living in the San Francisco Bay Area. Anyways, I've seen quite a few different therapists and have been diagnosed with everything from BPD to PTSD and DDNOS. Some of my therapists just weren't a good fit so that's why I decided to see a specialist who is quite expensive each week as my insurance won't cover her yet because she's not yet licensed. I have chronic depersonalization-I mean, every waking moment of every day since I can remember. I have a lot of other symptoms but this one seems to bother me the most. I've shared quite a bit with my therapist but certainly not everything (I've seen her a total of maybe 6 times) and it seems to me that she's thinking my depersonalization is caused from general anxiety. I don't know why but when she says this I feel like jumping out of my skin or punching her in the face. I just have these overwhelming, overactive feelings of not being heard!!! I know what anxiety feels like and it bothers me that it seems she's trying to make it sound so simple when I've been dealing with this crap since childhood (I'm 29 now) I try to tell her I don't FEEL anxious. I don't feel anything!!! I'm out of my body, my mind is empty, I hardly recognize my loved ones and my memories feel like Swiss cheese. That's just the surface of it. She canceled our last session due to being sick and asked me if I'd like a video session instead. I told her I'd rather an in person session and that I'd wait. I was planning on asking her exactly what she thought was my diagnosis or if she thought I just had an anxiety disorder and that it will bother me another week. I figured if she was well enough for a video session that maybe she could send me a quick response to my question to hold me over til next week. That was Tuesday.
Now we meet Wednesday and she hasn't even sent a "I understand your concerns of your diagnosis/treatment and I'd be happy to discuss in detail in our next session" she just ignored it or forgot so
On top of it I feel unimportant. There was also one time that I was having a mini crisis and after her telling me before it was ok to reach out between sessions, I did reach out, which is unlike me because I don't like burdening people. She did respond that time by email and said shed follow it with a call but never called. I mean I began feeling better but if you tell someone in crisis you'll follow with a call-you call!! Am I right? I'm just starting to question my therapeutic relationship with her. I do like her but she's a new mom, unlicensed (maybe inexperienced?) seems kind of flaky and distracted with responsibilities and I don't need that right now but I'm SICK of trying to find the right person to help me! I question whether I'm running away from them or if I'm truly not finding qualified help. How do I know the difference? Thanks for reading, hope everyone is well :)
Now we meet Wednesday and she hasn't even sent a "I understand your concerns of your diagnosis/treatment and I'd be happy to discuss in detail in our next session" she just ignored it or forgot so
On top of it I feel unimportant. There was also one time that I was having a mini crisis and after her telling me before it was ok to reach out between sessions, I did reach out, which is unlike me because I don't like burdening people. She did respond that time by email and said shed follow it with a call but never called. I mean I began feeling better but if you tell someone in crisis you'll follow with a call-you call!! Am I right? I'm just starting to question my therapeutic relationship with her. I do like her but she's a new mom, unlicensed (maybe inexperienced?) seems kind of flaky and distracted with responsibilities and I don't need that right now but I'm SICK of trying to find the right person to help me! I question whether I'm running away from them or if I'm truly not finding qualified help. How do I know the difference? Thanks for reading, hope everyone is well :)