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Sufferer Nothing But Blank Nightmares

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LilSam

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Hi, I'm Sam, short for Samuli. I'm 14, from the UK, specifically England. I have a mix of mental illnesses, including PTSD, OCD and Autism. I have this compulsion to feel as if whatever I say, I'll get in trouble. My Autism means I have no clue how people will react to what I say and whenever I say painful or dark things, it's because my feelings are a lot number than others and I don't find it as distressing to think about. Personally I think that should in theory contradict triggers for my PTSD but there are still triggers in a lot of places or thoughts, even if I don't consider them to be as severe as they are to others.

I got PTSD from 6 months of being in a verbally abusive relationship and bullying by my peers, both in school. A month after that, I was raped by a girl who seemed nice and I thought I could trust. After that I just became empty and ignored the world. I did no homework, when my dad shouted at me every day after school I'd ignore him, I wouldn't work in class, I'd have my head on the desk as if I were dead and the bullying kept going. Every day at school I'd see both the girl who raped me and the girl who abused me. I had to go on the same bus as the girl who abused me every day for weeks, I'd sit at the front self harming as I'd hear her at the back laughing about me with the guy she cheated on me with, and dumped me for.

Everything changed when I moved school, I had a girlfriend who was good to me and understood when I went slowly with the relationship, I had a close friend who was there for me always, my education kick started and got better and I was sad less often. Of course though, the nightmares started to kick in and every day I'd drive past the bus I used to go on and I'd sit in a state of shock for about 10 minutes. My friends don't understand it, my parents can't do much about it and my girlfriend has her own problems to overcome.

This is where I am now, in a safe place but paranoid as hell. I'm in France right now on holiday and I'm still scared that my ex will be out there when I'm travelling. I'm triggered by something at least 4 times daily, but it's getting better. I just felt the need to connect with people who know how I feel. Most people laugh at me and say I haven't been to war and got PTSD and that I should shut up and have some respect for veterans. I have a deep respect for veterans, my uncle and great granddad were both military.

Not sure if I typed to much here, but at least there'll be something to read for a while. Sorry if it's too long, sorry if it's too personal and sorry if it's breaking a rule that I misunderstood.

I am seeing a psychologist.

Hello, I'm Sam. Nice to meet you.
 
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Hi Sam, thank you for sharing your story. That was very brave of you. It is good that you are seeing a psychologist for this, hopefully one that also specializes in treatment. If he/she doesn't I would see out a therapist as well. I am sorry for the reasons that brought you here, but glad you found us. It's a good place with some great people and posts to help you on your path to healing. Take Care x
 
Hi, I'm Sam, short for Samuli. I'm 14, from the UK, specifically England. I have a mix of mental illness...
Hey sam read your story. I have to say it must be the mental stuff you face everyday causing this stress. I do wish you better soon. I am sorry you get triggered in public but think that being your strong enough to post and go out in public then in a short time allot of the fear will go away. Way proud of you for trusting others to share your story. The raped part I guess I have no help on that area for when I was 14 I would have thrown a party to be taken by a girl. Just me i guess was a horn dog. Everyone is different and I am not trying to down play your situation. I am thinking out loud that the bullying and the picked on did not help your young life and when a trusted person as in the girl and you were not ready for this experience I agree she should have not pushed. PTSD is not just military. Mine comes from being a beat to shit kid as in mom and broken bones. I had no idea what it was so I was just angry as hell as a kid. The army saved me by giving me a home with allot of working out and no time to really think about to much. I really liked it even though the ugly out there is way ugly. So do not be disparaged by not being military. You never know I know a couple of people who are autistic who are in the armed forces in the intelligence and communications fields. I would say not to worry about being challenged in public by girl for what happened to you is one in a million. I hope later on in life when adults you do not look back at this and not allow yourself to get close to a female partner. Nothing is better than being held. Sex is sex and when with a loved one is making love yet nothing is better than just going to sleep and waking up in someones arms. Total trust is very hard to acquire but once there it is amazing.
 
Hey sam read your story. I have to say it must be the mental stuff you face everyday causing this st...

Since I was about 6 it became my dream to join the army and fight for England, but now I'm quite older I've narrowed it down to wanting to become a scout/sniper and fighting for my girlfriend's safety rather than just my country. She wouldn't do that to me and we have pretty much maximum trust, we know each other's secrets, she knows what it's like to be abused, she knows how I feel. I'm happy with her ^·^. Thanks for the input
 
Since I was about 6 it became my dream to join the army and fight for England, but now I'm quite older I...
finish school. get the best grades you can. never allow trouble in your life and being you are young once you apply for such a job they cannot know you went to therapy for anything. It fine to go now for what your dealing with but they are very strict in selection here and in the UK for the scout positions. Absolutely nothing can scare you for your salience and non movement ability will save your life and the lives of others. This can be achieved with hard work, if not with your mental skills applied there is always openings in Intel. My son was a code creator and reader because he could not do the in the field stressful stuff yet he saved many people by deciphering others. A great help to the peaceful people of the world.
 
Welcome!

I am going to disagree with another poster. Just because someone is a "horndog" doesn't mean they are going to want every sexual encounter. Even a male with an insatiable sex drive can still be raped. I do feel that the underlying tone of the previous post is why so many males have difficulty reporting rape.

No, what happened to you was not one in a million, it is far more common than talked about, and you are not alone in your situation. Sex is not just sex when it is an unwanted encounter, it is a violation of the mind body and soul.
 
finish school. get the best grades you can. never allow trouble in your life and being you are young...

I can pick a lock with a Bobby pin, hold my breath for 24 seconds, my best shot was a 5mm wide target from 50m with an air rifle and I have favourite guns and calibres...I'm strange
 
Welcome!

I am going to disagree with another poster. Just because someone is a "horndog" doesn't mean...

I didn't want it, I didn't have a choice, I couldn't speak out, I couldn't unsee things she made me see. By the way, it wasn't a basic rape, I was tied down and forced to watch things, and she did things. I'm saying no more, goodnight.
 
Welcome!

I am going to disagree with another poster. Just because someone is a "horndog" doesn't mean...
I no way meant to down play anyone's situation I assure you. I can only relate to my own feelings about that. if I did not make that clear then I am sorry for not doing so. I meant sex is sex when adults and is consensual not referring to his situation. The point was I did not want to him to be afraid of companionship when older and that is more important than just sex. I meant no harm.
 
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