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Nothing says isolation more than spending your birthday alone

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FindingMyself88

MyPTSD Pro
This is probably one of my worst birthdays ever, and thats hard to top. I am spending it sitting alone outside on my porch watching a tv show on my laptop. The only highlight to this birthday was my one friend surprising me on thursday and taking me out for dinner. I feel so very alone and crushed. I keep trying to tell myself its because everyone is busy, but is it really? My roommates haven't even said anything… Have I isolated myself so much that no one cares? I went to church and maybe 3 people wished me happy birthday because they saw it on FB.

I can't get the thoughts of everything that has happened this week out of my head.. having to see my dad…another relative that I am not comfortable with messaging me. it just really sucks! Right now I honestly just want to fall asleep and imagine this day never happened...
 
Sorry to hear you are having such a hard day. It sounds crazy in some ways to wish you a happy birthday when you obviously feel far from happy, but I am wishing you peace and blessings for the rest of your day and a real strength and determination that you really can get through this and that you are not alone and do deserve so much more.

God bless
Helen
 
Happy Birthday. Nothing is stopping you from claiming your day. This is the day for you even if noone else wants to be apart of it. I went through this myself and you know it became a relief to not play into other expectations of what happens on my day. It gave me a chance to rediscover what I really wanted to do to reclaim my day and make it special. Now I have fun on my day with or without others. Yeah, sometimes it's lonely, but Im ok with it. Going on a horseback ride and seeing nature has it's own gifts for me. Alot better then something that will get used up in a year or lost. Also you will find that when you create your own path in life others will start to follow or they get out of the way. The goal is living your life. Hope this helps. Try to be good to yourself tonight and do something outrageous for YOU.
 
Next year I am going to leave town by myself for my birthday. Being with people on my birthday has only gone well for four or five birthdays out of my whole life. I have decided that being alone will be an awesome change so I don't feel as disappointed.

Which is to say: I'm sorry you feel hurt by being alone. There is some small upside in that no one can be a total douche and ruin your birthday. :)

Happy birthday. I'm glad you are still here.
 
Thanks everyone, y'all are very kind. I wish I could be like you winterose, a horseback ride does sound nice but unfortunately I have not found a place to ride where I live now for college.

But you see I am very much a people person…well kind of. I don't like spending my birthdays with parents because they always ruin it or are the reason for my PTSD. But normally in the past I have spent my birthdays with church members and it has helped. I just really did not need to spend my birthday alone yesterday dwelling on everything, especially after seeing my dad this week. I was in a VERY bad place yesterday and not much better today. Thankfully I had counseling today and my therapist talked with me about getting involved in some things again. But then we talked about my dad and I lost it….to the point that she kept me over by 20 minutes and worked on breathing exercises until I calmed down enough that she felt safe to send me on my way.

I don't like being isolated, but yet I feel awkward around people and have a hard time trusting...
 
It is no surprise you have a hard time trusting, and from what I have read you have had a hard week with seeing your dad and finding the strength to deal with all of it, and have done so well.

Trust will take time to build up and I can relate so well to feeling awkward, but true friends really will accept you for who you are and do understand when you are going through a hard time, and I really hope that you do have some true friends who you can accept and understand that and support you in where you are at.

I know for myself that I find it very hard when I am going through a hard time, as I do not feel as if I should put it onto anyone else and feel crap and like I am just being rubbish, but I know I have to bear in mind myself that I really do not believe we were designed to live in isolation, and that actually we were designed to have needs and have those needs met by others. When that all falls apart and the people we were supposed to be able to trust cannot be trusted, it makes it all so hard, but it does not take away from the fact that we do still have those needs, and though it is hard to learn, it is not everyone who will treat us so badly, and there are people who really care, and we do deserve and also need that so much.

I am glad that your therapist was able to help you feel more safe again today, and again I feel as if you have done so well with all the things you have been facing this week and really hope you are able to find more peace now in the middle of it all.

God bless
Helen
 
I'm sorry that you had a bad birthday. I personally like birthdays where no one makes a big deal out of it. But I suppose, I do like at least a little deal. I'm not big on groups or parties. I think it would be nice if you took charge of your day, next year, if it looks like it will be anything like this year. Then you could grab a few more people from church, or your friends, and make it a bigger deal. Of course, I understand how that was hard to do this year after the visit with your father. But, even there, you should be proud of yourself because you took care of yourself and cut your day short.

So, I will wish you a happy birthday and a better year to come!
 
FindingMyself, I wasn't this way the start of the year at all. It's a process. I am a people person too but risking all the pains all over again isn't worth it for me now. I finally got to where I can do some stuff for myself without completely going into zombie mode for days on end. The rest is falling into place.

I am glad you have your therapist. And I am sorry the day didn't get any better for you. I was hoping it would just for some relief from the earlier stuff for you. Noone can tell you the when or how it will happen for you. It just clicks. Believe it or not I think you are very strong. As messy as it was yesterday, you are still here and fighting it seems to me. :)
 
I can understand I have always had a bad birthday. I had friends that were close but never had a "party". I never really had a GF until I was 26. I am now 35 today married with 2 children. My wife had a very hard day at school and called me crying. She than went and rented a room (we live about 1.25 hours away) to sleep. She is now spending the night there. I was told happy birthday when we were on the way out the door. I ave no card, my older child who is 6 does not know its my Bday because my wife never set anything up. I sit here with a dirty house that I have to clean and no one to talk with. I just don't know, its takes me to such a dark place and it makes me think who is she with? why would she not at least come home to talk to me about her problems. Whatever happens I have felt that since my Bday is always so bad I am done with them. I no longer want to acknowledge it again, it seems I always hope it will turn out to be okay, never does. Even when my wife tried to give me a surprise party a few years ago only two people showed up, one being my mother. So now I sit questing my marriage and feeling non supportive to my wife at the same time. God I hate how my mind works. I just want to clean until Im too tired so I do not have to cry myself to sleep. No point to this post, no help for others, only my crappy birthday, and the last one I will give any acknowledgment to.
 
To "missing my wife"

I'm sorry you felt crappy on your birthday. I am spending my first birthday alone tomorrow (I moved away from all family and friends) and I'm feeling pretty down about it. I randomly stumbled on this post and read yours and it made me sad. I understand where you are coming from. I hope that your birthday turned out to be much better. I've been trying to come up with ways that I could enjoy my birthday, such as driving to a nice scenic area and just breathing in fresh air and being thankful, but a winter storm is coming and so I will be snowed in. Since I can't make it out of the house, I've been trying to think of ways to make the day the best I can. So you know what I did? I went and bought myself a nice meal to make tomorrow, some cookies and even a slice of cake and cheesecake (why not? It's my day!). The more I think about it, it's better to be celebrated with genuine love than fake love. Sometimes the most genuine love you can get is from yourself. So whether it's you reminding yourself that it's YOUR day and you matter, or telling your children that it's Daddy's birthday and you guys are going to do something fun....I say celebrate yourself! Do what makes you happy and don't wait on anyone else to celebrate you. You know why? Because you deserve the best and if that starts with showering yourself with birthday love, then so be it. I hope you had a really good birthday and I hope that next year you plan the BEST birthday ever for yourself! Happy belated Birthday!
 
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